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“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Tuesday, April 30, 2013

Why when women young, dem so fool fool!

Now is is these kind of conversation with women that frustrates the hell out of me but i am not too mad still cuz i remember say a so me did young and fool fool too. I DO NOT NORMALLY SHARE MY COUNSELLING SESSIONS WITH THE WORLD BUT THIS ONE WAS AN EXCEPTION. Sarah: hello how are you? [3:09:18 PM] crystal evans : HI [3:09:34 PM] crystal evans : how you doing? [3:09:41 PM] crystal evans : I am great [3:09:41 PM] Sarah: im fine thanks. how are you? [3:09:46 PM] crystal evans : How may i help you [3:09:57 PM] Sarah: i was wondering if i could talk to you about my ex boyfriend. im kind of confused [3:09:57 PM] crystal evans : indeed [3:10:06 PM] crystal evans : ok o ahead [3:10:12 PM] crystal evans : go* [3:10:41 PM] Sarah: we've been broken up since june. but that longest we stopped talking was a month and a half. in november he told me he doesnt want to lose [3:10:59 PM] Sarah: me and in january he said he misses me and would be lying if he said he didnt look at pictures [3:11:03 PM] Sarah: we started talking again in mid march [3:11:08 PM] crystal evans : k [3:11:42 PM] Sarah: he has said he loves me but i didnt at that point say it back cause it took me off guard. i did say it a couple weeks later. he told me that [3:12:03 PM] : Sarah: he does love me but doesnt think its the same way and wants us to be friends who still care for each other and he doesnt want a relationship [3:12:05 PM] : Sarah: but [3:12:28 PM] Sarah: when we are together it seems like he wants us to be together and he has sent me texts calling me sweetheart and love and with kissy faces [3:12:39 PM] Sarah: and he still has my stuff around his room that he never took down from the breakup [3:13:04 PM] Sarah: basically his actions dont match his he doesnt want a relationship words but they match some of his other words [3:13:25 PM] Sarah: i can see he loves me and cares for me thats why im so confused. and he cant explain why he doesnt or what happened [3:13:26 PM] crystal evans : well why would u want to be away from someone you claim that you love dearly. The way that you feel about him, he does not love you with that intensity. He is leaving you to find his ideal partner then when he is disappointed he comes back to you because he knows that you love him. He cares for yoyu? yes/ maybe ...he is not confused... [3:14:32 PM] Sarah: how did he know i still loved him when we were not talking...and my stuff around his room mean absolutely nothing? [3:14:43 PM] : Sarah: and his actions are just fake? [3:14:48 PM] crystal evans : you see men love sex and they try to make breaking up with a woman as easy and less heartbreaking as possible if they would like to keep you around for future reference. I dont mean to be harsh but you love him more than he does [3:14:52 PM] crystal evans : not fake [3:15:15 PM] crystal evans : he cares about you [3:15:29 PM] crystal evans : but not enought to settle down with you [3:15:45 PM] Sarah: just not enough to be with me?? then what could have happened. 2 weeks before we broke up he told me i meant the world to him and the break [3:15:58 PM] : Sarah: up was out of the blue. not just to me and he was hesitant to even end it [3:16:08 PM] crystal evans : He cannot give you what you want out of a relationship [3:16:19 PM] Wizpert: Sarah: how did he know i still loved him unless i voiced it when hes the one trying to keep contact [3:16:41 PM] crystal evans : Sarah someone can care about but not want a relationship with you right now [3:17:11 PM] Wizpert: Sarah: if he wanted to be just friends why does he act the way he does or call me love and stuff like that? [3:17:20 PM] crystal evans : Sarah ...look at how much you care for him, he shoud be trying to figure what went wrong as much as you do [3:17:30 PM] crystal evans : Honey men will lie to us [3:17:43 PM] crystal evans : and he might not want to hurt your feelings [3:18:09 PM] Sarah: how would actually just being friends hurt my feelings tho. [3:18:13 PM] : Sarah: its everything else thats confusing me [3:18:21 PM] : Sarah: he says one things and acts another [3:18:36 PM] Sarah: it was like that when we broke up too and thats why i cut contact [3:18:40 PM] crystal evans : Men will send you mix messages without even knowing it and you are confused because you read a lot into his behaviour because you love him [3:19:02 PM] Sarah: what am i suppose to believe tho [3:19:20 PM] : Sarah: yeah to me the breakup seems like a mistake and always has [3:19:23 PM] crystal evans : Sarah the truth is as far as your eyes is from your ear [3:19:44 PM] Sarah: i dont know what that means [3:19:49 PM] crystal evans : it does not matter what a man tells you with his mouth (hear with your ear). [3:20:03 PM] crystal evans : your eyes always sees the truth [3:20:18 PM] crystal evans : so if he tells you he loves you and is not acting like it [3:20:24 PM] Sarah: okay i can understand that but my eyes are what is telling me he still loves me and all that [3:20:26 PM] crystal evans : he probably doesnt love you [3:20:50 PM] crystal evans : sometimes we see what we want to see...let me ask you this [3:21:30 PM] crystal evans : Why would any woman want to be in a relationship with someone who is not sure of where he wants to be [3:21:39 PM] crystal evans : he keeps playing with your emotionns [3:21:41 PM] crystal evans : yoyo [3:21:50 PM] crystal evans : up and down with your adrenaline [3:21:57 PM] crystal evans : isnt it tiring? [3:22:02 PM] crystal evans : it would be to me] [3:22:11 PM]Sarah: im not making what i see up i promise you. i dont have any expectations right now but i also know what i want [3:22:16 PM] : Sarah: but thats not what is affecting what i see [3:22:29 PM] crystal evans : i couldnt manage another round of this yo-yo relationship [3:22:33 PM] Wizpert: Sarah: i cant explain it [3:22:38 PM] crystal evans : love sarah [3:22:43 PM] crystal evans : you love him [3:22:52 PM] crystal evans : hence why they say love is blind [3:23:18 PM] Wizpert: Sarah: yeah i know but seeing how he acts isnt me making it up. [3:23:46 PM] crystal evans : i have an ex who would view my profile evryday, call me, bbm me and then he would just disappear [3:24:04 PM] crystal evans : and resurface again telling me sweet innuendos in my ear [3:24:12 PM] crystal evans : it took me three years to get over him [3:24:19 PM] Sarah: thats not what im dealing with now tho [3:24:32 PM] Sarah: hes not disappearing [3:24:33 PM] crystal evans : i kept asking myself that if he did not love me he wouldnt keep coming back [3:25:20 PM] crystal evans : but it is similar, theres a reason why people break up. The ugly truth is that people do not want to be away from someone they love [3:26:02 PM] : Sarah: then how do you explain him never really going away. yeah we broke up i got that. but couldnt there be an actual reason. people get back [3:26:05 PM] Sarah: together all the time [3:26:22 PM] crystal evans : So if someone wants to take a time out on a relationship then.. it leaves a lot to think about...have you spoke to him about this sarah [3:26:26 PM] Sarah: we stopped talking because i stopped tlaking [3:26:27 PM]Sarah: talking* [3:26:46 PM] crystal evans : These are just my opinions because i am not there, i have to go off what you tell ,e [3:27:00 PM] Sarah: yeah and he cant explain it to me. its like he doesnt have a reason [3:27:16 PM] crystal evans : theres your answer [3:27:22 PM] Sarah: i have that question everyday, how could you love someone but not be with them. but yet he shows me that we should be together but says he [3:27:26 PM] : Sarah: doesnt want a relationship [3:27:36 PM] Sarah: that doesnt make sense to me tho [3:27:54 PM] Sarah: whats the answer [3:28:15 PM] crystal evans : yes sarah as i said its quite confusing and thats because relationship are complex [3:28:18 PM] crystal evans : intricate [3:28:31 PM] crystal evans : someone will love you and not want to be with you [3:28:38 PM] Sarah: why [3:28:56 PM] Sarah: how could everything seem so perfect yet it fell apart out of nowhere [3:29:05 PM] crystal evans : You might have great chemistry with someone and they dont want a relationship. people have different goals [3:29:15 PM] : Sarah: im not the only one who thought our breakup was dumb [3:29:20 PM] crystal evans : and soemtimes i dont fit into that perons future [3:29:46 PM] crystal evans : well if he does not see anything wrong with you being apart then he wont come back [3:30:59 PM] Sarah: his actions dont match his words. he does keep coming back just we dont commit. he keeps in contact. he acts the way he does i dont force [3:31:04 PM]: Sarah: anything i dont alter anything [3:31:23 PM] Sarah: he's the one that cozys up to me and grabs for my hand not the other way around [3:31:29 PM] Sarah: its always been like that [3:31:34 PM] crystal evans : yes [3:31:55 PM] Sarah: hes the one who was hesitant to end it and then not let me leave until i calmed down and hes the one who contacted me the next day [3:32:04 PM] crystal evans : if i knew more about him i could disgnose but he sunds like an emotionally unavailable man [3:32:10 PM] crystal evans : diagnose* [3:32:19 PM]Sarah: what makes a man like that [3:32:33 PM] crystal evans : socialisation [3:32:55 PM] crystal evans : past break ups [3:33:03 PM] crystal evans : if he is still not over his ex [3:33:09 PM] crystal evans : not ready to settile down] [3:33:30 PM] Sarah: he hasnt talked to the ex before me way before we met. [3:33:41 PM]: Sarah: whats the reasoning behind my stuff? anything or no [3:33:53 PM] Sarah: he gave back everything to his last ex but wouldnt exchange with me [3:34:00 PM] : Sarah: i tried leaving his necklace he wouldnt let me leave without it [3:34:19 PM] Sarah: i also found out he gets notified on facebook when i post things [3:34:27 PM] crystal evans : maybe trophy.. he loves you [3:34:36 PM] Sarah: what do you mean by trophy? [3:34:41 PM] crystal evans : likes intimacy hates commitment [3:34:46 PM] crystal evans : so he can remember you [3:34:56 PM] crystal evans : some people like loving someone from a distance [3:35:19 PM]: Sarah: thats so stupid tho....it makes no sense to me [3:36:06 PM] crystal evans : well love rarely does [3:36:08 PM] Sarah: it sucks because ive tried moving on...nothing felt right. i want him [3:36:23 PM] crystal evans : i understand [3:36:43 PM] Sarah: i care about him more than ive ever cared about anyone and i dont know why [3:37:28 PM] crystal evans : it ok to feel that way sarah [3:37:48 PM] crystal evans : but it means nothing if he doesnt want to create a setting where you can share your feelings [3:38:16 PM] Sarah: but i can tell him that, i just dont anymore [3:38:43 PM] crystal evans : ok [3:39:16 PM] Sarah: its like it seems like hes afraid but idk what hes afraid of [3:39:31 PM] crystal evans : commitment [3:40:09 PM] Sarah: it sucks... [3:40:22 PM] Sarah: esp since i cant really change that if thats what it is [3:40:26 PM] : Sarah: i cant help with that [3:40:27 PM] crystal evans : i am sorry [3:40:35 PM] crystal evans : exaclty [3:40:39 PM] crystal evans : exactly [3:41:02 PM] Sarah: so im just stuck... [3:41:12 PM] Sarah: what am i suppose to do [3:41:20 PM] crystal evans : no you can try to move on with your life [3:41:28 PM] crystal evans : if he loves youhe will find you [3:41:36 PM] crystal evans : dont pause your life until he grows up [3:41:58 PM] Sarah: im not pausing my life but i dont want anyone else....thats where im stuck. [3:42:12 PM] Sarah: i cant even not have him in my life. i was miserable not talking to him. i hated it. [3:42:21 PM] Sarah: it was the hardest thing i had to do [3:42:35 PM] Sarah: hes like my best friend [3:42:39 PM] crystal evans : i understand [3:42:45 PM] crystal evans : hwo old are you sarah? [3:42:55 PM]: Sarah: im 22 [3:43:04 PM] crystal evans : ok [3:43:06 PM] crystal evans : he? [3:43:39 PM]: Sarah: he's 24 [3:44:04 PM] Sarah: the only real difference between us is that im in school but he never finished but hes talked about always going back [3:44:28 PM] crystal evans : ok [3:44:43 PM] crystal evans : Sarah Concentrate on school [3:44:50 PM] crystal evans : he is still young [3:45:01 PM] crystal evans : be the woman he cannot afford to loose] [3:45:01 PM] Sarah: one time last year he told me that im the only girl who really knows him....i dont know if its because he's broken down in front of me or if [3:45:04 PM] crystal evans : lose [3:45:06 PM] Sarah: that was just words [3:45:15 PM] crystal evans : and he will come back to you [3:45:19 PM] Sarah: what do you mean by cannot afford to lose [3:46:13 PM] crystal evans : u see men [3:46:35 PM] crystal evans : rate women who are on top of their game [3:46:50 PM] crystal evans : be on top of your game [3:47:10 PM]Sarah: okk [3:47:11 PM] crystal evans : get your degree, get a good job and buy a house and a car and he will never wanna give you up [3:47:21 PM] crystal evans : because you are the pinnacle [3:47:32 PM]Sarah: isnt there like a men pride/ego tho [3:47:35 PM] crystal evans : best girl any man is gonna wanna [3:47:37 PM] crystal evans : yes [3:47:50 PM] crystal evans : men cant resist a woman who is sexy attractive [3:47:53 PM] crystal evans : educated [3:47:57 PM] crystal evans : holds her own [3:48:05 PM] crystal evans : dont matter how big his ego be [3:48:13 PM] crystal evans : he is gonna wanna own you [3:48:16 PM] Sarah: cause at the end of our relationship i was paying if we went out because he was in between jobs. and i know he didnt like that.....now he [3:48:23 PM] Sarah: pays and wont let me even when i offer and stuff [3:49:16 PM] crystal evans : ok [3:49:21 PM] crystal evans : that is great [3:49:27 PM] Sarah: why [3:50:11 PM] crystal evans : well at least he shows signs that if he is in a position to help he will take care of you [3:50:58 PM] Sarah: could that be a part of what happened before? he didn't feel like he could take care of me? [3:51:24 PM] crystal evans : maybe [3:51:37 PM] crystal evans : men can feel bruised by financial embarrassing [3:51:38 PM] Sarah: alright... [3:51:55 PM]Sarah: well thanks for talking to me. [3:53:04 PM] crystal evans : you are welcome i JUST HAD TO PUBLISHED AN ARTICLE AFTER THIS MESSED UP CONVO THAT LEFT ME SO ANGRY! i AM NOT BEING INSENSITIVE TO HER FEELINGS BUT SOME WOMEN ARE IN DEEPER THAN I OR ANY PSYCHOLOGIST CAN HELP THEM. you can get over him, it will not be easy and it may not happen right away but you will feel better as time passes by. It will not happen in a day and you wont move pass your obsession if you continue to re expose yourself to the same venom, over and over again. He is not going to come back to your melodrama, be the woman he cannot afford to lose. Let him fall in love with your strength of character, not a whiny, crying, grovelling nutcase. Educate yourself, work out, get a job and be on top of your game, then and only then will your man not be able to look elsewhere. I get frustrated when women ask me to break down every word he said or what he did. If you know that you love the man, don’t ask me to validate that love because i will tell you the truth and nothing but the truth. Don’t ask for my advice and then tell me you do not think he does not love you. If you think he is coming back to you, do not waste my time asking what i think. You already have that figured out. Women do not understand that men for the most part do not see relationships the way we do. He does not wonder if you are his soul mate and the million other wistful romantic notions that women entertain. For most men it is how he feels when he is around you and it does not matter how much he cares for you, if he doesn’t not feel right. He is going to dump you in a jippy. Read more: http://socyberty.com/relationships/his-behavior-says-he-loves-me-why-are-we-breaking-up/#ixzz2Rz2svOW2