“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Saturday, January 30, 2010
This was the supplementary analysis that he sent to me via email...
Thanks for sharing the article with me about One Night Stands.
It’s a powerfully written article by you and seemingly well balanced. You are undoubtedly very gifted in writing skills without a doubt.
However, I do not necessarily agree with all the arguments that you put forward to support this type of behavior.
First someone can have a one night stand because they are having difficulty relating to a partner in their current relationship who is not forthcoming emotionally to put it mildly.
Second you can have one a night stand when the current relationship that one is in has gone somewhat cold or sour and to use an expression and some spice needs to be added.
Third there are one night stands because the first sexual interaction was neither pleasing nor satisfactory to either partner.
Fourth cultural factors such as male dominated societies contribute to this type of behavior.
If I recall correctly this was the first sin that humans fell victim to and May well explain why the void has been filled by having Registered Prostitutes in countries like Germany and Holland as well as others.
I take it your article was being specific to Jamaican society where a degradation in morals over the last 40 yrs has fuelled this type of behavior and the wretched poverty of women in Jamaica has been an added vehicle to drive this phenomena. To be factually correct this type of behavior was alien to Jamaica say 100 yrs ago.
Which begs the question for its origin and continued occurrence.So I would conclude that socio-economic elements and a loosening of the moral code coupled by degraded Christian beliefs must be fully taken into account.
One night stands are central and familiar in the realm of dating and relationships. Men will love em and leave em. Men like to have sex with no strings attached. One night stand generates some sense of sexual confidence for men and to blow off sexual steam without the attachment and emotional demands of a relationship.
Not every man a woman meets will be her soul mate or every man that she copulates with will want to stay with her. It is a road that ninety percent of women have travelled and about sixty percent voyage down that road over and over again: these are the women who never have a boyfriend only succession of one night stand. Men engage in causal encounters for respite and adventurous reasons while women do it with the hopes of snatching a partner. This is supported by the fact that women are more likely to have a cursory intercourse with an attractive loaded stranger than with an unattractive poor one by comparison.
Men lower their standards when they are seeking a one night stand. They will pick up just about any girl in the night and then does not want to see her in the morning. Men love sex without emotional strings attached. It’s primal and a harsh reality for women but it is the truth. Men want sex, at the lowest cost to themself possible and if a man thinks you are giving it, he will take it. No strings attached and no remorse.
For some women getting over a one night stand is easy, especially if she is conversant with that kind of dating and relationship ritual. For others like myself, a one night stand seems like the worst dating scenario and the ramifications may handicapped or exacerbate our dating experiences for the rest of our short existence.
One night stands are popular in western cultures and initiating relationships. Women love the spontaneity of the sexual experience and men relish the idea of their inflated egos ballooning on copping the pussy crown so early.
Men relayed positive feelings of confidence, release of tension and satisfaction in the morning while women felt pejorative, depreciated and deplored especially if the brief encounter does not result in a return call or any other form of relation. It is not that women expect a man to marry her after sex but the female feels that she may have given the male the wrong impression, and men inherently have low regard for women who they have one night stands with…
For men one night stands represent the very devaluation of the feminine imperatives. Women cherish and validate sexual experiences than men. Ninety percent of men will have sex with a woman that he has no feelings for while thirty percent of women will have sex with a man she has feelings for and have no remorse if the relationship ends after the first night of intercourse.
I understand that people are free spirited and not everyone esteems coitus but we should consider the emotional and psychological impact of one night stand. People who engage in one night stands successively are ill developed at relationships. Men who perpetuate one night stand may be just exhibiting primitive responses to the modern ideals of sexuality which denounces promiscuity and embraces copular relationships and exclusivity.
women often complain that the resquestor of one night stands are deceptive since they give the illusion that something profound may be spun from the relationship only to have her hopes dash when he does not resurface after the drop off. But who are they fooling?
Men pretend that they want a relationship and give an ounce of commitment to get sex, women on the other hand give sex in hope of getting a relationship and commitment. Dating is a confusing process since men do not want to wait very long for sex and yet are less likely to take a woman who has sex with them hastily for a wife. Additionally, if the woman should show any sense of value and direction by withholding sex, she is sidelined for the next Whore.
Personally, i would rather be sidelined...lol...
But on the other hand, there are people who do not want the barriers and restrictions that comes along with commitment.
One night stand is a way of getting your sexual needs fulfilled without the added baggage of having a long standing committed relationship with all its throes and woes!
No one needs the drama that comes along with relationship.
This stance on relationship maybe great for those with maverick precepts about love, life and dating but for traditional individuals who validate kindred relationships, intimacy and closeness:
Women(like myself) with archaic notions of relationships, who have not evolved into todays customary casual sex ideology,
Be careful one night stands may not be the best way to go about relationships.
Do not engage in a perceived one nightstand with the hope that the tides will turn and he will want a relationship. The repercussions will tear you apart. Many women have sex with men with hopes that he will have a relationship, only to discover that he was only interested in momentary estactsy. Take your time and get to know your partner.
It should be noted that, making a man wait for intercourse does not guarantee a permanent relationship. But it does add an element of dignity, self value and esteem to your perceived character. If a man decides that you are not the woman for him, if you give in to him tonight or the next ten years, he will use you and leave you. You cannot force a man to love you nor should you wait around for an emotionally unavailable man to change...
Additionally if you are not the free, wild, untamed ‘meet em and leave em’ take it slow and concentrate on you. Be careful and do not make mistakes. People who engage in one night stands often think about themselves than the person that they are with. For them it’s like visiting a restaurant. They will forget your face and your name. So it makes no sense to subject yourself to such casual relations, if you cannot deal with the aftermath feelings that may engulf you which will range from guilt to self flagellation.
If it’s already happened, do not worry…it makes no sense to beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake. Believe me we all do. The only reasons you should be feeling stressed out over a one night stand is if you got pregnant or you caught a sexually transmitted disease. Other than that there is absolutely no reason to be hanged up on it, since the person you did it with has probably forgotten about you already. For a serial one nighter each conquest is remembered with no originality. He only sees himself in the action; he rarely remembers who he did it with.
So don’t waste time maudlin over your conqueror. Just ensure that it does not happen again.
No one can Validate you...You are responsible for setting your own values...
and yes he might find someone esle to do it...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Yeah the relationship is over and you pray to god that you never ever see his hideous face again. Or you pray that you run into him later at the party and he realizes that you are still the hottest girl on the planet and you get back together. Or you hope that you walk out the street just in time to see him hit by a moving trailer! That one would definitely ease you pain! Here are three easy tips on how to handle the situation if you ever stumble into your ex …unexpectedly!
1. If he dumped you…
It’s very difficult to see the man that you spent many a steamy days with ( sometimes one steamy night) out and about partying and having a good time and behaving as if you don’t even exist or as if he has just been acquitted from prison! You may be tempted to break down in tears, yell at him or grab a bat and bludgeon the heartless fiend to death. But before you pounce on him, pull yourself together regain your composure and put on your stellar smile. Do not bombard him, acting enraged and violent towards him will only confirm that he was right to get away from you when he did and as fast as he did. Do not for a second believe that when you cry, wail or call him all manner of evil that he will have some amount of guilt trip and take you back. In most cases you inadvertently push him a million miles further.
If you make eye contact its best to smile and look away… In case he says something… be cordial and concise then excuse yourself to do something far less heart aching. Tell him that you are feeling superb and then leave him standing there. Be sure not to entertain him, do not stroke that oversized ego of his as humoring his conversations denotes that you are not over him. Save the tirade for when you are with your girlfriends they will understand and sympathize with your lost. Your ex might just think you are crazy.
Additionally do not allow you girlfriends to get involved by making snide comments or overtures at your ex…it is immature and irrelevant. I understand that your friends may feel the need to defend your honor but they will defend it far better by being nonchalant and stoic. Please do not give him all that attention…we do not want him to feel as if he is important or that he has done something worthy of our attention.
Imagine how you would feel if a guy that you dumped saw you at a party, charged over to you like a raging bull and started crying and yelling at you. I surmised that your night would be ruined and you would be wishing that you had never met or even slept with that deranged bastard! Exactly! Do not get mad at your ex in public! He broke your heart yes it hurts but it is not fatal! My mom says that what does not cost my life really has not cost me anything!
2. If you did the dumping…
The same concept applies…just be brief when conversing… in fact it is best if you do not speak at all. If he attempts to speak with you be brief, congenial and leave his presences. Avoid being disrespectful or irritable that may just annoy him and exacerbate an already awkward situation. Do not engage in laughter or ridicule him with your friends. Karma is a bitch and she will bite you in the ass!
Additionally do not expect him to be as friendly with you as you would have been if he had dealt the blow. Men will typically be resentful and incensed when they bump into the woman that shredded their hearts, worst if you are with another man.
Treat your dumpee the very same way that you would want your ex to treat you if he did the dumping. This is with respect, tolerance and empathy for his feelings, treat him just as you would want to be treated when your heart is broken.
3. When you still have feelings for him…
If you are still in love with him regardless of who ended the relationship, avoiding contact may be very difficult but may still be in your best interest. Do not encourage conversation as old hurts may come up that may ruin your night. It is best to keep the conversation noncommittal and directed at any issue other than your current situation. You do not want to stir up old wounds when you may both be healing. Instead direct your attention to some other eligible bachelors and singulerettes in the consortium. Try comparing him with other men around you. If he is still outstanding then I guess you are in for some serious heartache worst if he did the dumping.
Trying to get him back may seem like the best thing but do not worry because if it is meant to be he will crawl back to you. Additionally try looking your best and being on your best behavior. He will admire your maturity and may just ask you back for your body in bed! The saying goes that a cow never knows the usage of its tail until he has lost it.
Now you know what you can do to make a gauche situation more comfiture. Do not get upset when you meet your ex. Get respect…get even… get over that!
You long for the love that you once had before. The moments that you had with your EX that you probably took for granted then are now more precious than gold. You relive experiences in your mind. You romanticize about your ex-lover and the day that he will be back in your arms. And then you wake up the next morning and the harsh reality of your situation hits you!
Your heart rent from your chest and your partner gnaws it right before your eyes. You faint into obscurity and an abyss of infinite pain and misery. A pool of emotions so overwhelming that even the greatest swimmer is liable to drown in it. A chasm that only the arms of your love can extract you from its depth of anguish and eternal torment, granting you life, verve and vim like you had experience from.
For whatever reasons your relationship ended it should be noted that your partner found something about you that he was attracted to and it is liable that he stills love those qualities. It is just that at the moment your demerits are overshadowing those qualities or he has found someone else who exhibits those qualities at a better dimension.
It is never too late and true love never dies. I am not going to stand here and tell you to get over him and move on with your life nor will I support you pursuing a relationship that is probably unhealthy and will only engender more pain in the long run.
What I will advice is for you to follow your head. Yes I said your head and not your heart. Our hearts have a knack for misleading us as women as our intuitive natures tend to override our intelligence when it comes to men, rendering us stupefied. We rationalize that it is futile pursuing this man but our traitorous hearts will not let go of the growl in his voice and our bodies betray us by yearning for the feel of his hard angular, masculine body. We know that nothing good will come out of reconnecting with this man but yet our heart keeps telling us “just this once…just one more chance to make it alright” …one more night, give me just one more night…and then our hearts get broken and he leaves again.
The truth is that you cannot force someone to love you and regardless of what you assume about your Ex-lovers feelings towards you, it should not cloud the reality of the situation. Calling him and trying to convince him to reconnect with you will only backfire. You may end up pushing him further away and subjecting yourself to disrespect (if he is abusive) and more pain than you could possibly feel, if you had accepted the situation as it is.
The worst thing that you could do is try and persuade a grown man about his decisions or try to reason with him. If he is not a mature and intelligent man who understands the dynamics of human emotions; your pleas for reconciliation may prove only as comic relief for him and his friends. He will also lose respect for you and may see you as being needy, desperate and lacking emotional strength.
Calling him will do more harm than good and begging him to take you back may subject you to exploitation if he is an unscrupulous individual. A deceitful and immoral man will not be hesitant in destroying a woman that wears her heart on her sleeves! If you are a successful woman and financially wealth off, a less financially stable man that you are pining over may well reconnect with you to siphon your money and then dump you when your wallet runs dry!
Buying him expensive accoutrement and being ‘loving poetic’ won’t get you anywhere. Men do not respond to gifts and endearments the way we do. That’s the reason why poetry and words works better on us than it does on them. Now you know why pouring out your heart to a man does not make him cry but make him look at you with than disgusted smirk on his face. But if he should pour his heart out. You will need a boat to get out of the house, the way you’ll rain in the emotions!
Additionally pining and romancing over him won’t help. It only makes you feel worst when you leave the utopic world and realize that it was all in your head. While you are there dying over this man he is probably out having the time of his life and having little or no thought of you. Get yourself back together. Join the gym or go jogging, you can log on online and try some great exercise program or jog around your house. You will be amazed at what exercise can do to your mood and in the long run, you may get the physique that will make your Ex want to crawl back to you!
Take a course somewhere, delve into your career, join a support group or get involve in volunteer work. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself? Do things that highlight your assets and allow you to use your aptitudes. You will be surprise and how much you forget the pain when you are busy. Your Ex may not come back into your life but by keeping yourself busy. You will get over the hurt and the pain will get easier as the days go by! You learn something new about yourself and ma well magnified some inherent skills that lay dormant because you were being distracted. You may attract the kind of man that will cause your heart to flutter again and this time for real!
And cry when you want to cry! Feel the pain, accept the hurt and take the time to reevaluate your life and what it is that you want. This would be the best time for you to decide whether or not you need this man back into your life. Don’t be afraid to be alone, when you have passed this phase you won’t even notice your solitary situation! I would rather be alone than be with a man that is hurting me!
I believe in destiny and my mother always says ‘if he is the one …don’t worry he is coming right back!” if he loves you with all his heart and realizes that he feels inadequate without you. He will be coming back. But think carefully before you take your ex-lover back. You need to do some serious discussions and make hard decisions about your roles in the relationship so as to ensure that what happened before does not happen again. If you doubt your Ex-boyfriend’s renewed commitment to you then it is best to leave the relationship in its broken shape! Being in a relationship with high levels of insecurity may cause you more harm than happiness.
Get over it! It’s his lost not yours! He has just given you a chance to find someone better!
Every courting situation should be taken seriously as the outcomes of human association especially where sex is involved is highly complex and varied.
The naïve dater is new on the dating scene. She is normally in her late teens and early twenties (however she may be older).
Inexperienced daters make decisions about relationships from a unilateral and ingénue viewpoint not taking into consideration the intentions and feelings of the men we are dating. A young woman on the dating scene is narrow sighted to the gact that she only possess an internal locus of control over the outcome of any liason.
Therefore she posit that men feel the way she does, respond to the same relational and sexual stimulus only to have our faulty assumptions demolished with the unrealization of a relationship with the man that we date. We beat ourselves up and often stagger on the brink of insanity wondering why a date that appeared to have gone well does not materialize into a relationship. We become freaked out and let our incomprehension of the situations overthrow our rationality and we behave in unhealthy ways.
For the less naïve dater, a feeling of déjà vu and a compelling intuitive knowledge that this relationship will be like the previous liaisons, she foresees a harrowing disaster waiting to happen. Our dating reservations are further cemented by years or even months of bad experiences with men and harrowing dating encounters. This perception is often founded on the basis of the same ecstatic feelings that were evident in relationships before it precipitated in to heart break.
It the feeling that is generated by the fear that all women feel when they date or meet a man for the first time. A fear that this relationships might not work out. It is the fear of lost! Fear of rejection, abandonment, humiliation and unrequited love! Break ups are the most devastating phenomena and one of the harsh realities of dating and relationships. It is the epiphany that you had made the colossal mistake of entangling your self whether momentarily or long term with the wrong person!
At the dinner, he listened attentively and held her hands from across the table. He whispered endearments in her ear. He had a saccharine sense of humor. When He had kissed her hands lightly, her heart fluttered and she knew that this time, there would be no mistakes. They even held hands on the way to her apartment. He was the perfect gentle man. Trina jumped into bed and romanticized about her new found love.
Three weeks later …
Trina sat at her desk glancing at the phone. Every fiber in her body yearned to call Ken but she could not allow herself to. He said he would call and it was almost a month since their date and she had not heard from him.
Trina is fighting to grasp what went wrong. She was sure that they had a connection. She replayed over the indices and nuances of the day they met until the night that they went out on the date and tried to fathom what went wrong! She was confused and calling Ken was the only clarity to her addled mine.
She dialed Ken’s number and it rang without an answer. She hanged up and tried three times with her number ID hidden. Ken picked up on the fourth ring!
Trina says “ hello Ken, what happened…I was waiting to hear from you…I thought something had happened to you…I miss you so much!”
There is a deafening silence on the other end and Trina had to look at the phone screen to reassure herself that he was still there listening.
Ken replies in a stern, annoyed voice “who is this?”
Trina felt a huge lump in her windpipe as she swallowed hard and her eyes brimmed with tears. She answered with a cheerful voice that belied the hurt that was slowly enveloping her body “it’s me Trina”
Ken sighed in annoyance “from where?”
Trina croaked “from Hendon…we went out on a date three weeks ago”
Ken laughs “hey Trina…what’s up long time don’t hear from you…what happen! Why you could not call me? I lost your number because I changed my phone!”
Ken said in a crisped voice “it was nice hearing from you and I hope that all is well with you. I have a meeting so I have to run. We will talk sometime. Have a nice day!”
And he hanged up. Leaving Trina hanging there in midsentence as she replied to his statements.
Trina felt like marching down to the bastard’s house and demand that he make amends for the pain that he was causing her.
She cried. Thinking how much she wasted her time on him. For days she had fantasized that he would call and that they would have a relationship. She was angry. It was a good date. They had fun and it felt good to be with him and he felt it too. She thought that he was genuine.
But he was just like those other scoundrels. He had misled her and hurt her. Oh how she hated men!
What had she done wrong?
How could a seemingly nice man, treat her so cold?
How could a date that had gone well turn out to be this sour?
There is no novelty to this story. I have seen it happened perennially and to be frank I have had firsthand experience. Most women can attest to being in this situation at least once in their lifetime. The man seems handsome and eligible. You have great social time together. He promised to call but never does. In cases like these the Dumper normally allows the Dumpee to figure out that there won’t be a relationship. While the Dumpee waits days on end for a call that she eventually will have to make. The male has decided that there won’t be a relationships and has not relayed that information to the female. He assumes that by ignoring her and not calling her that she will get the message. Often times the message is not decoded and the female calls only to have her worst fears come to pass. He doesn’t want a relationship.
First Date Break Up is the most perplexing form of break up because in most cases the Dumpee(Trina) is unaware of what lead to the disintegration of a association that showed signs of growth and substance. She is left with a feeling of emptiness as she is constantly analyses every aspect of the date so as to pinpoint what went wrong.
This type of Break Up is a huge blow to the Dumpee’s Ego as sexual intercourse did not take place. The Dumped feels as if she has suffered a great lost as she has not had a fulfilling experience with her object of affection. She feels cheated. She feels indignant, angry that she was denied the right to get closer to her date. She missed an intimacy that she never had. She missed the life with him that she had conjured in her head. His statement and indifference echoing the truth that nothing would happen between them and that she was just a mere acquaintance. One that is soon forgotten. Break Ups of this nature normally generates resentment of the male because the female feels as if she was victimized unnecessarily. The aversion is intensified by the male’s apparent stoic response to her situation, his lack of forwardness and disregard for her feelings.
What makes First Date Break Ups so intriguing is that by the end of the night or the next date both parties have made up their minds about the status of the association. The female has made up her mind that he is the one and the male has made up his mind that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. This is evident because he does not call after the date. If he calls and then his calls begin to decline during the next few weeks that’s and entirely different situation. When he doesn’t. It means what it appears to mean. It means that he is not interested in you. He may like you, he probably wants to have sex with you but at this moment he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s a harsh reality that women have to face every day and it’s the reality of a man’s rejecting you especially when you know that you haven’t violated him in anyway. You haven’t done him any wrong and he has decided to call it quits!
There are always warning signs and it should be noted that even before some women make the call, they already sense that something is wrong. The female knows the man doesn’t want a relationships and there is no use holding because it’s not going to happen. This should be evident if he has not tried to contact you at most a week after your date.
However, it’s difficult to let go because she does not know what lead him to change his mind. In order for the female to let go she needs closure, hence the final attempt to contact him and hear what he has to say. Females like Trina feels a wave of anguished. It is very difficult to forget Break Ups of this nature as the association ends without any apparent reasons other than one party deciding not to continue acquaintance by aborting communication.
It takes a strong, experienced and willed minded woman to resist the urge to call her date after he has not called for day. A woman who is knowledgeable of the dynamics surrounding male thought process and mating selection patterns will not be aggrieved by a man who takes you out and then doesn’t call to follow up on plans to initiate a relationship.
In parts II and III, I am going to give you the reasons why he hasn’t called and what to do when he doesn’t. Additionally I am going to suggest ways of improving your dating experiences so as to mitigate the possibility of the First Date Break Ups. Parts II and III are displayed on the page below as related articles.
It’s a phenomenon that we are both intrigued yet repelled by and it is the idea of a successful, intelligent, good natured and ‘should know better woman’ that remains committed to a man that disrespects, abuses and ill treat her mercilessly and unrepentantly. We wonder what could compel a woman to want to remain with a man that only cost her pain and discomfort, yes I mean cost her and not cause her! A man that only seems to sap her energy, undermine her self worth and under rate her dexterities and competencies. A man that limits her physical and psychological freedom publicly humiliates her and beats her occasioning grievous injuries. We are appalled when a successful woman admits that she has been abused by her husband. We are outraged when a woman is murdered by the hands of her lover. We are incensed when a woman attempts to leave an abusive relationship but finds her self right back with the abusive lover because she feels that she can’t live without him or that he will hurt her if she leaves. We wonder why a man could do something to a woman that he claims that he loves.
The truth be told, an abusive man does not love anyone but himself. Abusers are frequently narcissistic. They are self absorbed, ego centric and egotistic. He is weak and lacks human compassion, feelings or even emotions. The only time he feels any iota of emotions is when he feels as if his being is somehow threatened. These emotions ranged from anger, guilt, self pity and ferocity. It is at the ferocious point that most women will get their asses slapped or neck slashed by an abusive man. I know it sounds grisly heinous but it is the truth. We have seen many headlines, many Dr Phil’s and Oprah Winfrey and even CNN headline. Abusive husband, jealous boyfriend, estranged lover murders his woman.
Women have a nurturing nature that is a characteristic of our evolutionary psychological development. Just as how a mother loves a delinquent son, it is the same analogy for a woman with a tyrant, inconsiderate irreverent husband. A woman feels love for her man even though pummels her every night. In spite of his abusive nature, he often has other great characteristics that overshadow his sadomasochist behavior. The wife believes that if she loved him more, harder over and over again, he will become a better man. She posits that she has sufficient love within her being to serve for both of them. Enough love to fill the void that his lack of expressive love has made. She loves for both of them, suffers for both of them and lives for them both. It’s a level of sacrifice that is unfounded and leaves the woman exhausted, an overwhelming emotional fatigue. It’s the same altruistic and self less, incessant, irrevocably love that a mother has for her disaffected child. She loves him no matter how bad he is.
But does she always love him. Sometimes we women believe that we love a man but what we are really enamored with is often what the man represents, the power that he has or his money. We are in love with a shell. You realize that you love the way he looks, the way he commands attention at a seminar, the fact that you feel proud to have a husband who is a corporative executive, drives a Pontiac and lives in Beverly Hills. The same husband that broke two of your ribs disrespects your mother and almost shot your daddy in the ass when he came for thanksgiving.
You love how he looks and what he represents and not necessarily the substance of the man. It’s like loving a bottle of crystal champagne. You like how it looks, you like showing it to everyone (yes I can buy an expensive drink and yes I have taste!) but you hate the damn contents, you never drank a sip from that bottle that you boast of every day.
She feels that she probably will never meet another man like him. He becomes indispensably to her. She needs to keep this man because she feels nullified without him. Her identity has become intersperse with his and she feels as if she will become no body or nothing without this man. Her sense of self has been eroded by his constant abuse and denigration. She has no autonomy, no singular personality or definition of self outside of her husband and his life. This woman is normally the one who is married to the governor or a very powerful man. This woman is afraid of losing her status in society and divorcing from her abusive man may well be the ramification.
Then there are the women who are trapped in their relationship with abusive men for personal reasons. The females remain with abusive men because they want to protect their children because she fears that the man might abuse the child or children. Most men that abuse women tend ill treat children because abusive men like to pound on people that are weak or perceived debilitating.
An abusive man suffers from malignant narcissism. He feels that he is above moral authority. He rarely feels any form of reproach. He sees no wrong in his violent actions and is incorrigible. He accepts violence and sees it as his only form of expression, be it verbal or demonstrative. He sees foul behavior as norm and expects everyone to accept it. It is quite normative that he was taught violence as a means of communication as a child. He has suffered abuse and therefore is only acting out what he was taught.
But this gives no man the right to bludgeon a woman to death or to loath her in any form. No woman deserves to be abused. No woman deserves to be disrespected. No woman deserves to be marginalized and isolated from her friends and family by an abusive husband. No woman deserves to be abused. No woman should remain in an abusive relationship. There is no reason to hang around saying that it will get better. The man can be encouraged to seek counseling but how many narcissistic men will be willing to admit that he needs counseling? How many sadistic men will see the vile and anomie in their actions. The best advice is to get out while you still can! Get out now!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Why alpha men do not like intelligent women?
I was reading stories on the website Baggagereclaim.com about how successful, intelligent women are having difficulties finding a spouse who are on their level. Women are complaining that if a man perceives that a woman makes more money than him, then he is less likely to pursue a relationship with her. Men are very intimidated by a woman who is far more trenchant and smarter than he is. Women are saying that men are more likely to be obnoxious and distance while having a conversation with a woman who is “too deep”. Women asserted that if a female demonstrates that she knows topics beyond latest magazine gossips, shoes, clothing and other superficial conversation topical, a man easily becomes bored.
I want to share some tidbits of encounters I have had with an alpha males or so-called alpha males and his dispositions. I would love for my readers to make an assessment of the situation. I will share my input and you may share yours if you choose to at the bottom of the page.
My latest encounter was with a well known executive who I will call Tony. Tony is the type of man who is intelligent in his natural sense. He is an avid reader, experience and has an ego the size of Jupiter. Tony falls into a category of men who initially find a woman’s intelligence intriguing but as soon as he realized that it will stymie his ability to get her in bed, her intellect becomes insufferable to him. He will attempt to insult her by way of degrading her physique or downplaying the importance of her trenchancy by insinuating that she is overcompensating or below standard. The woman will more likely than not be offended by his comments, shuts up for the rest of the date or simply give him lib and leave his arrogant ass.
He will resort to character assassination to wear down her chastity defenses. He will attempt to destroy her self concepts and ideologies by rendering them immaterial and vacuous. The idea is to reduce her self awareness so that he can have his way with his date. He wants to tear down a woman’s defenses to the point where she will comply with his advances and he wins by getting her to change her morals. It is simply an ego struggle between an alpha male and an alpha female that he perceives to be a threat to his masculine inflated ego.
Tony told me that I was using erudite terms to overcompensate for my nonexistent self esteem and as a means of impressing men. I stared at him tongue in cheek as my psychology skills honed into high gear. This man was accusing me of trying to impress him when he changed his car on each date we went out on. I did not accuse him of being pompous when he told me about his cruises and travels. He apparently liked hearing the sound of his voice and not the sound of mine. He was complaining about my grandiloquence, when the entire conversation from his end was riddled with complexities, self satisfying philosophies and profundity. What a double standard? It was OK for him to be erudite but for me it meant that I was a cerebral narcissist with a labile self worth.
Tony told me that he did not believe Oprah Winfrey was a successful woman. In his mind, her money did not make her successful. He said that she did not have children and was afraid of committing to Stedman. From his perspective, a woman cannot be successful without playing the traditional roles which included, child bearing, rearing and domestication. He was vicariously telling me what he thought of women like me, who were aspiring to become Oprah Winfrey or a variant of her. It was becoming more palpable that my date was a chauvinist. He said that being an intelligent woman was a good thing but it would not hurt to use my vagina other than my intellect as a means of ascendancy in life (to add insult to injury). He asserted that I was young, naïve and dumb girl with the notion that the world is going to pause to accommodate ‘my naive, archaic ideas of love, marriage and relationships’.
He contended that I needed a sex life because he knows that I am pining away for a man and it was affecting my ability to reason. He claims that I should try being feminine, using guile and sexiness to ensnare men and maybe then I would be able to keep a man. He said instead of concentrating on success, I should try to figure out how to get and keep man. He declared that I was terminally naïve, theoretically intelligent but lacking street knowledge. It became clear to me that this man was not interested in me but rather how I made him feel and whether or not he would be able to have sex with me. He said “try using you p*@#$%, it will take you places and sometimes faster than your brain”. What an insult!!!!
I was naïve and dumb because I refuse to be treated like an object of sexual gratification by a married man. I was “terminally naïve” because I refused to behave like most young adult females who see intercourse as a meal ticket or an escape into a paroxysm of pleasure. I had an imaginary self esteem fueled by my unwavering desire for intellectual superiority, cognition and academical success and that was a sin than a virtue. The man had known me for an hour. He concluded that I was naïve, brilliant yet lacking street knowledge, utopic and possesses low self regard. Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men with gigantic egos and a desire to assassinate my character?
The funny thing about this conversation is that I did not tell Mr. Tony that I was interested in him as a potential partner. Mr. Tony happens to be happily married with a family and is interested in dating young women for sexual gratifications. I quickly conclude that a man of his character would have had absolutely nothing virtuous to say to me. Why did I go on a date with him was beyond me.
Men of Tony’s character enjoy seeing women in domestic and traditional positions. He contended that he was a moral man and yet he was adulterous, cheating on his beta wife at home. Tony realized that I was adamant with my relational precepts and sought to wear me down my insinuating that I was unattractive. Tony declared that I am probably responsibly for my past relationships. He was convinced that my ex boyfriends had deserted me. He did not ask me about my life, instead he was telling me what he gleaned from our brief encounter. Tony was attempting to impel a change in my perspectives by using the old narcissistic tactic called character assassination.
The man stated that I should change my worldview before it is too late and I should cease pursuing success and act like a regular twenty one year old. Regular twenty one year olds are ecstatic to have sex with older married men in exchange for money and pleasure. A cursory relationship with no strings attached was what Mr. Tony was offering me. He was offering me (in his mind) a life because I had none based on his analysis.
I sat back and peered at him from across the table, feeling amused and incensed by his diatribe. I was halfway between bursting into loud guffaws, grabbing my bag and stomping out of the restaurant like a raging bull. He kept ranting oblivious of the fumes emanating from my body. It took him a while to realize that I had stop contributing and he was listening to his own voice. I muttered reactionary sentences to reassure him that I was interested in his relationship dogmas and what he thought of me. It is always wise to agree with a verbal attacker or remain silence. Defending oneself will encourage and embolden the attacker, to bombard with more insults, lower blows and harsher statements. Do not add gasoline to a fire, doused it with water. Remembering my grandmother’s philosophy for dealing with men of this nature, I relaxed and allow Mr. Tony to voice his opinions about my sexuality and how he thought I could effectively improve my existence through sexual transmission.
Women will attest that men rarely need to hear about your sapient notions and deep rhetoric while on a date. Most men are interested in getting sensual and carnal. The reality of the situation is that men do not want to know what your IQ score is but are more interested in the diameter of one’s vagina.
There has been a recent rise in heterosexual males desiring anal intercourse with their female spouse as oppose to vaginal penetration. Many women have deemed the ordeal unsavory, painful and repulsive but comply because their spouse liked the idea of it. Most women flinched at the idea of anal sex and others find the idea inconceivable and ad nauseum.
For some women, anal sex is a new and exciting way of pleasing their spouse and offering the ultimate pleasure.
Psychologists claim that the rise in hetero-anal sex may be due to many young men growing up with problems regarding their sexualities. The proliferation of pornographic material on the internet has been epiphenomena of this as many young men have altering sexual orientations and increase sexual expectations due to the premature and over-exposure to sex.
Sexual expectation has been elevated due to the availability of porn. It is the same influence of pornography which leads the world wide emergence and eventual acceptance of oral sex. The dissemination of homosexual pornography sensitized and also gave certitude to homosexuals and clandestine Gays to be liberal about their sexual orientation.
Many young men assume that because a couple has hetero-anal sex in porn and the female seems to be enjoying it, it means that women will enjoy the ordeal in real life. Persons do not understand the difference between paid actors on a screen as oppose to the reality of the situation. Many boys are being sexually oriented by online pornography
It may appear that we have encountered another sexual orientation with the advent and permeation of hetero-anal sex. Some religious assertions contend that men who are having anal sex with women possess homosexual tendency and are using hetero-anal sex as a means of bridging their emotions. Some claim that it allow men to channel their homosexual desires while maintaining a heterosexual front. It allows the male to engage his sexual needs without stirring up or disturbing his perceived sexuality and social experience.
Then there is the gratification side to the debate as men attests that anal penetration is far more gratifying that vaginal intercourse. Some males contend that vaginal sex is becoming normative and mundane. Anal sex adds another dimension to sexual intercourse and it makes intercourse more wholesome and diverse. Males declare that the rectum is tighter than the vagina and that vagina sometimes loses elasticity due to child birth.
Women are increasingly being opened to the idea of exploring anal sex with their partners. Some women claim that anal sex is very stimulating as your male partner is able to ignite the very sensitive nerve endings in that region bringing you undeniable pleasure during climax. Other females say that it is different from homosexual intercourse as partners tend to be just as passionate and caring as traditional copulation. Women declare that if your mate is sensitive and caring then it would be a painless, loving and beautiful experience. Others state that women should consider it an honor that a man would be willing to insert his organ in that area.
On the other hand, women feel insulted by the idea that a man would rather have sex with her anally that vaginally, considering the proximity. Many women may think that their sense of sexuality is being traded for something else and maybe offended by such an advance. One male friend told me that it is not about competition, anal sex is just an extension and women should not be affronted by the idea. Some women claim that men who do that are selfish since only the male experience stimulation and the female experience pain. otherr women claim that the bleeding is very uncomfortable, repugnant and that it is a good way to catch a venereal disease. For many women, anal sex is simply a sexual taboo.
At the end of the day, a person’s sexual orientation and what they do in the privacy of their bedroom is an individual and their spouses business. Some people will not cross the line on certain sexual activities and others are opened to new experiences. It is quite evident that hetero-anal sex is here to stay and it is not going anywhere. Human sexuality is constantly evolving. There was a time when interracial relationships, oral sex, homosexuality was a taboo and we have move past those social repulsions. My best advice is to use a condom every time and be caring with your partner. Additionally I have read that using a lubricant and being patient, enhances the experiences. And if your spouse should accidentally slip to the rectum, just holler “wrong hole!”
What do you think?
He outlines five principles that one should apply when seeking a partner:
1. Legally Allowable
It is best to have a relationship that supports the legal and ethical frameworks of your society. This means that you should not strive to have relations with underage individuals that will result in statutory rape and societal sanctioning. Do not have a relationship that may cause you to have a fall out with your family, creed or tribe. It also means that if your choice of relationship is not supported by the laws of your geographical location then one should find a place where that type of relationship is sanctioned and protected by the laws; these include Bigamy and Homosexual marriages.
2. Physically Possible
Physical possibility involves proximity regarding age and location. It is noted that individuals who live in propinquity are more likely to have fulfilling relationships than those that reside distances away from each other. Close proximity is necessary for a relationship to grow and for couples to get to know each other and from a bond. Physical Proximity also refers to age. You want a relationship with a person who will not live out your lifespan or who will be able to live out your lifespan. This is what my friend refers to as the shell life of the relationship. He asserted that some individuals might find this statement harsh but he does not think that couples should have relationships that will compromise their time together. He claims that it places added stress on the relationship like when an insecure older guy constantly stalks his much junior girlfriend for fear that she will cheat on him with a younger guy or when you are having sleepless nights because your mate is residing in another country and you are wondering if he is cheating .
3. Financially Feasible
Financially Feasible rule is simple. Do not have relations with someone that is outside of your budget. Work within the confines of your financial status. This includes having relationships with individuals that are of the same class. According to my friend, it adds balance to the relationship and there is less likelihood of one partner manipulating and overpowering the other because of financial upper hand. If you are starting a business, like a relationship ensure that your partner does not have more investment in the business. If this is the case then it would not be a business for both of you, it would be his enterprise since he has majority control of shares in the company. He asserted that one should ensure that they are not investing too much in a relationship that is bound to fail. Additionally one should spend wisely whilst in a union. Many individuals go out of their way to ensnare a partner by selling their homes or cars, taking out loans or embezzling from their jobs. It should be noted one should not have to go to this length to secure a relationship. This is another aspect of legally allowable, do not have a relationship that will compromise your societal freedom and may have you incarcerated.
4. Maximally Productive
At all times ensure that the person you are with is making the same amount of effort you are making to ensure the durability and longevity of the relationship. It may not matter to you now that you are investing seventy percent while your partner is investing thirty. However you will become frustrated and resentful when the profits have to be shared fifty fifty. The same goes for a relationship, a partner who is investing more will become resentful of the partner who is investing less and may demand more. The demand may fuel the partner to withdraw from the enterprise. The idea is simply, do not have a partnership with someone who is indolent and unproductive. You will be doing the work for two people and only receiving rewards for one. You cannot continue to give without receiving returns or aids.
Are you dating a man who exudes behavioral characteristics that have you questioning whether or not you should continue the relationship? Chances are your rationale for disconnection far outweighs the reasons to maintain the relations. I have compiled a list of reasons that you should not promote this individual to the next level in your life.
1. He is possessive. You do not need a man who treats you like a property. A man who relates to you like he would an object. It should telegraph to a woman that the man will never regard her as a human being or understand your feelings. To be short, your man will never afford freedom. You will be a prisoner, one of your own making if you decided to pursue this relationship. Most traits that are exhibited during the dating stages do not mitigate once the relationship has been established. In many cases, unfavorable dispositions are magnified because the man has won his prize and does not feel that he needs to pretend anymore.
2. He is rude. Obnoxious behavior is a sign of insecurity where an individual masks his weakness by being boorish and abusive. Men suffering from narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders are very uncouth. It is first recognized as a minor slip up until it mutates in a hurls of obscenities. This is one man; you do not want to pursue a relationship with.
If he makes snide remarks about your appearance beneath the guise of humor, do not be naïve, he means every word. You do not need a man of this rude nature in your life. Verbal and ambient abuse can be far more traumatizing than physical abuse as the victims is emotionally and psychologically battered. Such injuries are the hardest to heal and forget as the scars remain forever.
3. He asks you for money. Be aware of the man who makes pecuniary demands on you. Rest assure that this is the beginning of a scheme to milk your finances. If you are dating a man that is requiring that you always pay for dinner, movie and you are bearing the finances of the companionship. It may be that you are paying a man to spend time with you. You have an inherent value that deems you worthy of a relationship without having to bail your bank account. It should be noted that a gold digger cannot be bought. They are opportunistic and the minute they find someone who is in a better financial position than you, they will leave you. In the end you will have double lost, you will lose a partner and your funds. He will move on with a new loaded partner and they both drive off into the sunset leaving you with your broken life pieces to pick up.
4. You make all the calls. If you are having a relationship with a man where you make all the calls then you need to step back and make an analysis. I am not saying that if he calls once in a while, I mean he never calls. It communicates to me that you are the one who is investing in the relationship. It also conveys that he is not that into you. He is not as interested in the relationship as you are. You are forcing water up a hill that will eventually turn over on you and drown you.
5. He does not keep his promises. If you are dating a man who tells you that he is going to do something but does not follow up, it is a major red flag for a potential relationship. A man who tells you that you will meet up at seven but does not show and does not call to apologize is a sure sign that you need to end relations. If he is not consistent with his claims then you are bound to have problems with your relationship (if it moves into the relationship phase). This person does not like you and does not care about your feelings. If you associate this person regardless of their dido then you need to do this from a position of control. If you are having fun, then go ahead but if you are seeking something serious, then Mr. Inconsistency is a big No. Men will continue to commit an offence if they think that they can get away with it. They will do this as long as they can, until you put a stopping to it. Do you want a man who will make promises, he will not keep and refuse to acknowledge his infractions and apologize?
6. You do not trust him because he is a liar. If you suspect that the man you are dating is not being absolutely honest with you then it’s a major call for a halt on your relationship. It is not advisable to have a relationship with a man you suspect of dishonesty. If you are questioning his values then it means that you need to reevaluate your position and what you need from this union. My advice will be to end that relationship. A dishonest person cannot be trusted and a fraud has something treacherous to hide. If he cannot be honest about his identity and his intentions then he will never be sincere with you.
7. He is self centered. If you are dating a man who you perceives is a narcissist or an egoist, then you will have a problem with this individual. A man, who thinks the world is centered on him, will not have any time to pander your needs because he is very busy with himself. A person whose ideals revolved around their own existence will rarely if ever have time to concentrate on anyone outside of the self. You will be fighting for his attention with himself.
8. He has a bad track record. A notorious womanizer and abuser are not the most admirable history when dating a man. If you are dating a man and you are privy of his past where he beats his ex partner then you need to put your feet in your hands and run. Abusers are very predictable and if a man abuses his ex spouse, chances he are he will abuse you when the relationship matures. You do not need a relationship with an abuser who will tear down yourself concept and self esteem. He will leave you feeling drained traumatized and depleted. Do a research on victims of abuse (if you have never been subjected to it) and you will discover that once the honey moon stage is passed then the abuser unveils his true nefarious nature. You may not see him as an abuser but he will reveal his true nature when the time is right and fright.
9. He has made it clear that he is only interested in a casual relationship. If you are looking for a husband and yet the man that you are dating has made it clear that he is only interested in sex, then you need to change your values or you need end the relationship. Do not continue the relationship on the premise that he will wise up and pursue a profound relationship with you. I am not saying that people do not change their intentions. I am asking if you are willing to wait for a man to want a serious relationship. Are you willing to suffer the consequences? This guy may decide to settle down eventually and chose not to do so with you. How will you cope? You might think that he used you and feel indignant for wasting your time, energy and interest on a man. Are you willing to put yourself to the test?
10. He is always busy. A man who is a workaholic or claims that he is busy with his career for u may not be the mate that you need in your life. This is the first stage of the relationship where a person is suppose to be giving their best and you are dating a man who does not have time for you. Can you imagine the relationship that you will have when you get serious and he feels as if he does not need to try hard to woo you anymore?
It should be noted that some men used the overly occupied claim as a shroud because they do not want to tell you that they do not want to spend time with you and that they are not interested in you. Some men pray that you will get the message and realized that they are not superbly busy but too busy for you.
There are many hard and fast in relationships. An individual has to ultimately know what he or she wants. Be prepared to deal with the results of the relationship you are pursuing if it goes sour. Remember you have been warned.
When I was enamored (fixated) with a narcissistic man, I did not look at the situation from futuristic and permanent standpoint. I did not visualize what life would be like cohabitating with a man that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I was given a glimpse of that life when I met a friend online who appears to be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or simply exude high levels of narcissistic traits interlaced with antisocial disorder.
This malevolent net mate was controlling, inflated and possessive. He had contrived a biography where he is a successful computer engineer with numerous clients. He was a chameleon, jack of all trades. There were days when he was a lecturer at a prestigious university. Some days he was a marine engineer and other days he was a savvy business man with numerous clients coming to his doorsteps at rude hours of the night. He had the most inflated ego I have ever had the misfortune to acquaint. His inflated self image was staggering and appalling. The narcissist misogynistic overture and sexual innuendos were distasteful.
He was a pathological liar and the most sanctimonious person I have ever dealt with. His self righteous personage was highlighted by his twisted sense of justice and morality. He would lambaste an individual for lying to him and yet he lied profusely. He was rather defensive when he thought he was being offended and yet expected others to tolerate his obnoxious behavior. He did not see anything wrong with his repugnant behavior. In fact he claimed that he does not care if people liked him because he liked him self and that’s all that mattered to him. Narcissism indeed!
I made the mistake of relating his narcissistic traits to that of a phantasm from my past and the malignant figure launched into tirade, defending my phantasm and laying the blame at my feet of course. I was amused then incensed at the narcissist inability to empathize. He perceived my anger at the experience I had with another narcissist as mere indication that I was still in love with him. The man was unable to dissect emotions further cementing his narrow sightedness and incapacity to distinct human reactionary feelings. When I vented my disgust and outrage at the behavior of narcissists, he challenged that I was being petulant because I could not manipulate the narcissist. I could not compel the narcissist to satisfy my needs and therefore I become angry and frustrated. Talk about projection! What the narcissist was saying to me was a deep mirroring of his attempt to control and manipulate me into complying with his demands and embracing his line of thought.
A narcissist lack emotional intelligence and is only responsive to two types of behavioral emotions and those are attacking and raging. The narcissist will bombard you with insults as a form of attack and then when you retaliate or threatened them in any essence they will launched into rampages aimed at cowering and reestablishing control. This narcissist did not hesitate to furnish my ideals and self concepts with his scathing perspectives and supercilious ideologies. He spoke as if he was the most trenchant individual alive. His opinions were spouted with erudite terms, mainly verbiage speeches with little or no sapient content aimed at subverting my self concept and undermining my intelligence.
If I did not know any better. I would have said my ex had sent a friend to finish the job off. The man’s conduct was similar to my ex boyfriend but ten times amplified. The thing about pathology is that it is predictable and the minute one who suffers personality syndrome arrives, he will be quickly pin point and categorize. In spite of my better judgment I decided to continue this charade with the narcissist online so as to get a real life glimpse into the pathology. I wanted to see narcissism from the outside. I wanted to look at it for the first time through the eyes of a social science researcher or a psychologist and not a lovelorn partner.
I got to witness narcissism from a detached and unemotional standpoint. I converse with the narcissist daily, observed and internalized his responses like an avid social scientist watching an interesting experimental phenomenon unfold. I realized based on our daily association that this was what I had to deal with, if I had pursued a relationship with a narcissist. This was the hell that I yearned for months ago. I felt a wave of pity and despondence for the women that lived with this malignance and have endured the constant battering that composed life with the narcissist.
The narcissist constantly devaluated and avidly conflicted my opinions to shut down my concepts and doctrines. The repressive natures of the interaction, the obscenities were geared at reducing my self concept by making my existence comparable to glucose ridden edibles and at other times, Human effluent erasers. He would idealize in one paragraph and devaluate in the very next. His excuse for being abusive and for the abuse of a narcissist from my past was simple to make me stronger. He contended that I was very weak to fall in love and that deities like himself were not amenable to such feeble expressions and feelings. He made a violation and I petitioned him to apologize. He hurled obscenities and at me and questioned why he needed to apologize to me. I broke into loud guffaws. This man was something else.
The most enthralling segments of our online interaction were the mirror effecting and projection. The man perceived simple and natural reactions to my intellectualization and psychologising of his behavior as an indication that I was mad. He kept diagnosing me. He said that I was a narcissist, another time I suffered from obsession and lately I had a split personality. This man was hilarious and had me laughing to the shock and amusement of my sister who was watching our conversations sometimes.
I mused for a while when the narcissist did the most conceivable disturbing thing. He pretended to be my ex boyfriend without any inference from me. He played the role of my ex boyfriend trying to reconnect with me for two weeks. He did not blatantly state that I am your ex boyfriend pretending to be someone else because I am afraid that you may reject me. He gradually unveiled himself. Dispersing modicums of my past relationships and patterns of the untamed rage. His conversations sounded similar to the person that he was or he was trying to imitate. I was for a single moment completely confused on where my analysis was with this character.
It was intriguing yet ominous. I considered for fleeting moments that this person could be my ex playing one of his mind game. I cogitate that I was being abused by proxy and that my ex had engineer this situation and had enlisted the aid of one of his avatars to do the heinous injury. I was becoming paranoid. I kept thinking what the avatar had to gain from this situation. Why is it tantamount that these men decompose my self concept and esteem? Am I a lunatic magnet? Do I attract mad men?
The most arcane yet fundamental aspect of my observation was that this Henry personality appeared more genuine when he was assumingly playing the role of my former narcissistic friend than when he was the PhD scholar in decision making and management science. I mused that the cast of the former friend may appear more genuine because the persona that he presented is indeed falsified or I may just be conversing with someone closer to home than I thought.
This narcissist gave me a glimpse at the constant verbal abuse and excoriation I would have been subjected to. He implied that I should be grateful that the narcissist had abandoned me and cease chasing a shadow. He did not understand (as I will explain in my issue on whom to go to for support when you are a victim of narcissism) or rather he refused to see my side of the story. He wanted to me to see an image that was tarnished by his lies and constant games.
He decided to revert back to his first personage and to shed the boyfriend character. It appeared that the game had lost its passion or he wanted to befuddle me some more. The damage had already been done. When he played that role, he had destroyed any ounce of credibility. His integrity was smear eternally in my eyes. I saw him as a compulsive, pathological liar. I regard him as an untrustworthy individual. A reckless disposition that should be kept at arm’s length.
Moreover he had made it clear to me that he was a master manipulator. The hoax confirmed that this individual did not have any regard for my feelings and that this person was capable of anything. This unalleviated spiteful attack on my emotions was rudely awakening as it was menacing. But I was thankful that he showed me this side of his personality. It has reaffirmed my relationship with him and what mettle of man he really is.
The narcissist claimed that I was weak because I felt love and emotions. He asserted that I was not strong and individuals who seek to find love in the world are weak people. He did not see affection as a virtue but rather a curse and a handicap. He regarded my repulsion of narcissism as hint that I was still hang up on my ex. He was unable to construe the difference between consumed love and intense revulsion.
The most frightening aspect of the relation with the online narcissist was the exhaustion. I felt depleted after our conversations. My sister and significant other could not understand why I sat around my computer at nights conversing with an apparent dangerous and deranged man. My sister spoke with him couple of times and conceded that he was the most depraved individual alive.
It seem the more I associated with him; pieces of my vivacity and vim were eaten away. It was evident that the conversations with this toxic individual were affecting me. I quickly conceded that this was exactly how I would feel if I was involved with a narcissist, emotionally drain and psychologically teetering on sanity. Thank god!
Thursday, January 21, 2010
I sat down on my verandah watching my baby sister play on the ground and wonder what the dating scene would be like for her in more than a decade from now. I pray that Jamaican men would change their hypocritical and double standard principles regarding relationships. Here are five instances of Jamaican male relational double standard and hypocrisy!
1. Have you ever listened to a hardcore sexual gratifying Jamaican song and noted that male deejays enjoy the idea of a woman granting oral sex but treats male conferring of the same said activity with disdain and repulsion? Jamaican men enjoy oral sex but do not want to give it back for fear that it will emasculate them. Even thought this maybe so, many men would prefer woman engaging in the ac but do not want to reciprocate the female.
2. Some Jamaican fathers enjoy having sexual relations with younger girls even the peers of their daughters but do not want to see other older men with their child. Jamaican men will have relations with a seventeen year old but do not want to see his seventeen year old in a relationship.
3. Jamaican men enjoy the idea of a woman on the street wearing revealing clothing but not the woman in his house. In some cases the man may have met the woman wearing revealing clothes on the street but now that she is his woman, she is not allowed to dress like that anymore. Additionally, when he goes out on the street, he is attracted to women in that attire.
4. Jamaican men contend that they want a woman with natural beauty and find the synthetic extensions and make up, superfluous and unattractive. Yet if a woman decides to be natural, she is less likely to attract the attention of a man on the street. I have walked down town with my natural unprocessed hair, unmade face and wearing Christian like clothing and not one male approached me. The next day I did my hair and dolled my face and went down town and it was an entirely different reaction from the men. Why Jamaican men claim that they want natural girl but a woman with natural looks especially a woman of Negro descent will not get any form of masculine attention on the road or in the dancehall.
5. Jamaican men will meet a girl in the dancehall and refused to allow her to go back to the party scene. Yet that is the very scene that he met her on. Just like the guys who pick women up from bars and marry her and then expect her to remain at home and never visit a bar again.
Lisa Hype became the most popular and controversial Jamaican dance hall female artiste after a picture of her was released on the internet featuring Lisa Hype performing oral sex on a male. The island and the Jamaican Diaspora held their breaths to see how the Portmore Empire and its collegiate would respond to the photograph and rumors claiming that the recipient was Portmore Empire leader, producer and mentor, Vybz Kartel.
I anticipated that Lisa Hype would lose her contract with the Portmore Empire and that was precisely what happened. According to the Portmore Empire, Lisa Hype’s overall behavior was not reflective of the dogmas decorum and dictum of the Portmore Empire and its members. Lisa Hype was released from her contract by Vybz Kartel and a unanimous agreement from the other members.
According to the dogma of the Portmore Empire and its litany of artiste, oral sex and anal sex are considered deviant and unacceptable. Lisa Hype and Vybz Kartel did a song that clearly denounced and deplored oral sex (even though I have always contended those artistes are hypocrites who do not practice what they preach) and this latest development with Lisa Hype would have confirmed what many had suspected all along. Which is that most Jamaican artiste deprecate oral sex yet they personally engaged in the activity and often time insist that their partners do it.
When I heard Lisa Hype was fired fro the Empire over the evening news it conceded the hypocrisy and double standard of Vybz Kartel and many Jamaican men regarding their sexuality and women. I sat and listened to several Vybz Kartel songs that propounded and implied oral sex. There are songs where the entertainer claims that he loves a freak in his bed. Vybz Kartel in one of his latest hits talks about whip cream and crushed ice and blatantly claims that he enjoys oral sex.
A clear example of hypocrisy and sexual chauvinism. Women should coffer oral sex while men should not. It is acceptable for a woman to do it but not a man. Men should receive but should not return the affection. This is the reason why men who engage in oral sex vehemently deny that they do it because of fear of social backlash and communal sanctioning.
My big question is what exactly do Jamaican men want in bed? Why are Jamaican men hypocrites when it comes to genuine desires and sexual dictums?
What do Jamaican men want in bed?
A woman will tell you that nine out of ten Jamaican men like the idea of oral sex but when a woman performs oral sex, fifty percent of Jamaican men mainly from the lower socio economical class lose respect for her. Some men use it to manipulate and control women by hinting that he will tell the John Public of her sexual deviance. Some men go as far as taking pictures of the female and circulating it in order to socially demean, humiliate and bash the female.
Little significance is granted to the sexual activity of oral sex if it is promulgated that a woman does it. Every man she meets expects her to do it to him. Men will chase her for the sheer pleasure of receiving sexual gratification and notoriety from being one more guy on her who knows what she did last night list.
If she refuses to engage for various reasons, she is bashed, disgrace and insulted by her prospective partner who thinks that he is entitled to the performance because it is already public knowledge that she is a “bowers” with little thought that she reserves such sensual provisions for a special individual and not just any random man.
The emotional and sensual connotation of the activity is lessened by other men who now see the woman as being less than ideal and a sexual object, an instrument for masculine gratification.
It has been suspected, speculated and corroborated by some women that artiste that deprecate revile oral sex, engage in the act. Many Jamaican men engage in oral sex but will not public claim that they are into the activity. It may appear that greater import is added to receiving the act without giving back the action. People are far more likely to admit that they have been a recipient than a grantor. Jamaican men are more than likely to admit that they have been a recipient of oral sex than being a giver of the foreplay.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Egoist (Part One)
Complex, obstinate and incomprehensible creatures locked into a world of testosterone driven pride, ego and sensibilities. It’s intriguing how men can charged at an enemy with herculean ferocity and yet hold a woman as tenderly as a baby. These beings are capable of triggering magnitudes of overwhelming emotions in females deeming their reflexes temporarily incapacitated. We love the sound of their baritones, whether it’s a growl or a snarl!
We are enamored with the way that they walk, comport themselves. Our defenses crumble when they stare at us with cocky posterity and ensnare our hearts with irresistible charm and finesses! We find them engaging, we fight for them and in extreme cases we may even kill for them!
We invest time, energy and resources, trying to please them.
Oh how we love them…
Until the trifling, lying, deceptive, conniving, no good bastards break our hearts!
If only I knew the scoundrel was not what he had appeared to be. If only we had a criterion board to identify the dissolution beneath the beguiling armor that we fall haplessly and stupidly in love with.
How many women have beaten themselves over relationship blunders? Wondering how we missed that snicker that we thought was a genuine smile and deluded ourselves into believing that he wanted the house, picket white fence and two kids.
The men that we love to hate come in many varieties. We fall in love easily with them because they epitomizes (externally that is) the very essences of what we are seeking in a man. But beware not all that a glitter is gold and men are excellent actors who will play a role with brilliant histrionics until he gets into your drawers.
Too often we see the warning posts and the red flags and ignore them on the premise that we can change him or maybe he will change because, I am different and he will see the distinctions and fall in love with me. only to have him call ( if he calls at all, men hate confrontations that brings their integrity into question and where they may be judged) and let you know that he is not thinking of marriage, the house in the country and Sunday afternoons on the verandah…if you know what I mean!
Unfortunately, these are men that we women can’t help falling in love with!
First and foremost you have the Egoist!
He is cocky, overbearing and exudes a self confidence that outshines a million cities. He is self assured, ambitious and drives a Mercedes. You admire his aggressive attitude, condescension and arrogance.
he walks into a room he commands authority. His dress code is that of a man who has exquisite taste in fashion and invest time in his wardrobe. He is the type of man you could brag to your friends about, the kind of man that you could move up the social and communal ladder through association. The variant of masculine specimen that will make your friends turn green with envy and your grandmother wishing she was young again. The type that causes you to cower in his presence as you rush like a spooked mouse to please the big feline when he meows!
This man is termed full of himself and rest assure he is highly self centered and care little for others. Realizing that he is at the hierarchy of feminine desires, women are of minimal importance to him because he knows that he can ‘pick, choose and refuse’. A man like this is liable to make you fall in love with him through his graceful charm, orientation and swagger. And then he will dump you with alacrity and ruthlessness!
Most Egoists are Narcissist and are normally verbally abusive and scathing of their partners. Men of this nature are single and their relationship status serving both as a trap for potential partners and a staunch indicator that there has to be a deficiency. There has to be an underlining problem or hidden agenda when a man is aesthetically endowed, ambitious and affluent without a woman by his side. (Don’t be deceived because either he is gay or he is a player, a eunuch or a frigid or he has some other hidden deficits)
These hidden deficiencies range from sexual impotence, sexual insecurity, promiscuity, tyranny, verbal abuse to low self esteem and confidence. A person may exude superiority and confidence on the outside but is very insecure and has a low opinion of their own worth!
Materialism, wealth accumulation and success are measures utilized to mask feelings of substandardness that the Egoist may be experiencing. The Egoist thrives on denigrating and demeaning other so as to highlight the insufficiency in others therefore accentuating his often times enviable and desirable traits.
The Egoist sees women as sub beings to his lordship and mere objects to supply his every sexual and in some cases procreative needs. The Egoist will not pursue a relationship with a woman of his disposition but prefers a female of extreme docility. The submissive, acquiesce female that thrives on giving and who nourishes the Egoist’s ego. Inflating it with her meek and catering character, feeding him until he is obese with egoism
In rare some cases the Egoist does pursue a woman of substance but with the intent of vanquishing her, overhauling her self concept and leaving her male poisoned and miserable. The woman of substance is seen as a challenge to an Egoist, a mountain that needs to be eroded and place flat beneath his footstool. The Egoist will pursue the woman of substance, break her and then discard her!
The Egoist is often a shell with no display of human emotions. He lacks remorse, commiseration and empathy.
The Egoist is unforgivable and unforgettable. He inscribes his face in the annexes of feminine memories with his dual personality. Women find him intrigued and yet trepidated by the Egoist because he can facilitate love and inflict pain. He leaves pain, heart ache and desire in his wake. Women are left befuddled by his behavior.
It is not advisable to continue a relationship with an Egoist. Rest assures that he will destroy you. He will annihilate your sensitivity, plunge you into a chasm of low self worth and pick one’s self continuity away with his noxious character forceps. The Egoist is an emotional opportunist and hurting others is done intentionally without rue.
It does not matter how superlative you are, you will never be sufficed for the Egoist. He cares nothing of others, only catering to himself and his egocentricities.
The Egoist does not give into pleasantries hence the abusive personality and you will never receive an apology from an Egoist. Women find the Egoist attractive because he exudes behavioral characteristics that are refined and enchanting only to discover later that such conducts are fallacies utilized to snatch a desperate and naïve heart
Have you ever been with a Jamaican man? Do you often wonder what a Jamaican man is looking for in a potential significant other? Have you ever wondered what turns a Jamaican man off on a date? I did a case study recently using men of all demographics and social status of the Jamaican populace. The research was centered on unearthing what exactly a Jamaican man wants in a woman. Here’s what I discovered!
A Jamaican man falls in love first with his eyes. His interest is piqued if the woman is soft on the eyes in other words she is attractive. He looks her from the legs upwards. A woman will be able to still attract a Jamaican man if she has a curvaceous body and a less than aesthetic face. “In other words Jamaican men no watch no face!” This is more prevalent among men of the lower socio economical status but if you are interested in engaging a guy from the salubrious upper St Andrew Communities then you definitely need to step your game up.
A plain face or curvaceous physique will not be sufficed to filch an executive or some old money hunk. If you want an elite man then you have to bring some education with it in the form of degree and over, prominent position in eminent company or have a household last name. Men from the upper side prefer if a woman brings some form of endorsement with her. Relationships are formed based on social status and the economical contribution that a partner can bring to the liaison. Women see men as development banks, financial institutions that enhance their economical standing and men regard women as great merchandise like his car or his house that he can promenade in front of his friends. Women are seen as trophy and commodities where the highest bidder can purchase. The likelihood of a woman snatching a man from uptown is thin and wide if you are born outside of that class. But do not worry education, five figure income and popularity on the social scene may get you there!
Other that appearances sex is of utmost importance to a Jamaican man. If you are boring in bed as in if you are not a gymnast then you will have a problem with keeping your man. Jamaican men love a woman who has a virgin like vagina. The tighter the passage, the sweeter the ride! No pun intended! But recently there are some men who claim that they would exchange a virgin for a freak any day so I guess the tight vagina is losing its credence. Men prefer if intercourse is interactive. He likes when you tell him what you find desirable in bed and whether or not he is pleasing you. A percentage of men hate it when you give him what he refers to as dead sex. Do not just lie beneath him and squirm, hold him, squeeze him and undulate on him like a snake. Yeah! Laugh out loud! LOL
Age is of some importance depending on the socioeconomical status. Middle class and upper class men prefer their mates to be younger than them and for some by even a decade. Men of the lower class and some lower middle class men had no problem with age as some young men copulate with older women under the premise of maturity and money. A thirty three year old man’s ideal age mate would be between the ages of eighteen and twenty five. This not always the case as not every man looks at age. For some men, age is as the neo relationship therapist would say “just a number! “
Intelligence is tantamount for men who have degrees and certain level of social importance. The ability to have a sound, coherent conversation and extrude cognition is important to people of cerebral importance. No executive wants a mate that he cannot bring to a conference meeting because she will probably want to discuss Vybz Kartel news album than the financial gleaner and Edward Seaga’s theory on the IMF, economies of scale and diminishing returns.
Men essentially need to feel important while women desire connection. At the end of the day most Jamaican men need a wholesome fulfilling relationship where all his needs are being satisfied and met by his spouse. That is the reason why your Jamaican man may cheat on you with a woman who is aesthetically sub standard, she may not be as good looking as you are but she fulfills his need and his desires.
Yesterday I sat with my girlfriends at lunch and listen as they mooned over the latest drama that developed in their relationships. I stood up and asked my girlfriends if they thought true love existed anymore. I knew that this topic would generate a plethora of idea. My conjectures were right as my girlfriends became frenzy with opinions. Their face etched with disdain and disgust as they spouted the notable irritable qualities and numerous character flaws that Jamaican men evince. Every commented ended with the fact that Jamaican men were irresponsible fathers, lousy companions and gaudy creatures. My girlfriends conceded that Jamaican men were not interested in family and relationship. My friends said that love was lost and that men only wanted to have sex. My friends said that “is why we no fraid fi nyam dem out”
Jamaican men have come a far way with regards to familial precepts and values. My grandmother told me that men during her time, men were more involved in the upbringing of children than today. My grandmother stated that irreverence for Jamaican men aroused when males lost their powers in the home by refusing to seek knowledge and choosing the prison over the university.
Ignorance is partially responsible for the frustrations and heartaches that are plaguing relationships with Jamaican men. Seventy percent of Jamaican men are semiliterate or illiterate. Females far outnumber their male counterparts in the universities and in corporate Jamaica. Successful Women are finding it increasingly frustrating to find a partner, who is on her financial and intellectual level. The few perceivably accomplished men are very unavailable when it comes to any form of meaningful relationships. Financially stable men are not quick to form a relationship with one woman since there are many women in the streets with similar good qualities and characteristics. Therefore there are many women around for the picking, why settle for one when you can have five.
Additionally women are discovering that men of every stratum in Jamaica exude the same values and embrace corresponding relational philosophies. Women realized that men were not interested in the formation of solid relational unions but more of a serial monogamy and polyandric relationships. Men visit women and have sexual relations with her in exchange for money. The woman and man are allowed to maintain their single status.
Many women have found this form of relationship satisfying as her economical needs are being satisfied and the relational strings are not attached, offering her freedom to copulate with as many men as possible. This is what I refer to as sanitized prostitution. This lifestyle has lead to a rise in promiscuity among Jamaican young women as they attempt to have sex with as many men as possible to cover the bills.
Men embraced this notion and have begun to regard every woman in the same light. Jamaican men believe that every woman that pursues a relationship with him wants some form of financial return for it. Jamaican women asserted that if you exude love for the man, he will not support you financially but if you pretend to be indifferent you will coerce financial support from him. The idea is that men do not respond to expressions of genuine love because most women do not want affection, they only want money. Women who sincerely want a meaningful relationship find it difficult to convince a man of sincerity. The man will naturally assume that she is pretending, and when she gets into his system, she will unveil her mercenary character. Many women have maintained the stance that most Jamaican men are only interested in sex. Women contended that men do not want affection and resort to using men as financial institution whose only purpose is to improve their economical standings.
I sat down and presented the same questions to an accomplished, financially stabled Mr. Callen. Mr Callen claimed that men have become protective of their hearts because women have been corrupted by other women and a good woman is hard to find. Mr. Callen states that “Women are some of the most, manipulative, selfish, and dangerous people I know”. Mr. Callen attributes women’s power over men due to the fact that women weaken men “it’s not just Jamaica...all over the world....men are stupid when it comes to women”. Mr Callen went on to state that the idea of being married or feeling wholesome with another person is losing its credence. “The danger is when people believe that they need someone to complete them...make them whole”. Another male asserted that Jamaican men need to be cognizant of their needs and wants instead of sexual intemperance. Mr Callen claimed that” very few are enlightened as I am”.
Some social scientists claim that the harsh economical condition of the Jamaican society has caused a shift in relational values. Women are seeking men who will be able to support their children; men are taking advantage of the plenitude of available accomplished women by being promiscuous and unattached. Anthropologically, when resources are scarce, in this case women, the most desirable traits that are portrayed by a woman will win her a partner with equivalent characteristics. There are many women in Jamaica with desirable characteristics, men can choose, play, mislead and refused because there are many more fishes in the sea. Women have to be fighting other women for men. The competitions between females have become intense because so-called good men are few in numbers.
Others have asserted that Jamaican men are anthropogically promiscuous and polygamic based on the ethos that was taught to them via their ancestral African lineage. Jamaican men are culturally inclined to have more than one woman in their life. The capacity to have a myriad of women and to be able to take care of them connotes that a man is financial stable, communally revered by his peers and emulated by younger males. Jamaican men are simply acting out an ancestral trait that is found among Africans and men of African descent.
Jamaican men claim women are only interested in procuring money and not in any form of meaningful, committed profound relationships. Men will force a relationship with a man who is not fervently interested in him by offering her money in return for relations. It is also a shared opinion that a Jamaican man will not spend his money on one woman while he has another woman draining his pocket. At the end of the day, it is not just Jamaican women that gave rise to the validation of money before copulation but equally Jamaican men. Men have contributed to the relational canon by offering women money for relationship. There are young men who are pursuing a car or any apparent artifact that communicates wealth in order to ensnare women into their bedrooms.
Conclusively, what role money plays in a relationship between a Jamaican man and woman? Recently there has been a rise in Jamaican men insisting that in order for them to establish any concrete relationship with any woman she has bring some form of money to the table. There are some men who refuse to have a relationship with a woman, who does not have a job. In other words, women are not the only ones who are saying “no dough, no looove”. There has been a rise in the demand for a woman to bring economical independence to the relationship. To be honest, I think that is an excellent idea for both partners to satisfy the financial needs of the relationship. But should this be the premier criterion for having a relationship? Should money determine what level of relational or sexual interaction, one has with a prospective partner? I would like you to answer that for me!
This is a question that many young Jamaican women who are on the dating scene are asking among themselves. The question is simple “are there any good men left in this world?” the question for some should fundamentally be what designates a good man. For most young women, the response would definitely be a tall, handsome, wealthy charming gentle man who is perceivably emotionally and psychologically stable. For many young women, aesthetics and affluence are premier criteria with other pivotal attributes such as values and ethics relegated to the backburner. This may well be the reason why good men are hard to find. The problem is not that good men are scarce but it is safe to assume that it is what young women perceived as good men. Good men designate the harlequin character with the attendant charm, wealth and power. The reality of the situation is that good men are available but women do not want good men, most young women want great men.
It may well be that women have their priorities mixed up. A psychological report claims that only ten percent of affluent, handsome and successful men are emotionally and psychologically healthy. Many alpha males are narcissistic, emotionally unavailable, anti social and suffer varying degrees of histrionic personality disorder and conterdependent disorder. The barrages of overlapping psychological disorder among alpha males make them the most frustrating men to have a relationship with. Few if any alpha males want to settle down with a female.
Young women are maturing in a time where a person’s worth is determined by their financial status. We live in an era where the pursuit of temporality and wealth is chief ambition even at the cost of our ecosystem, life, morals and value. We live in a society where survival is central and every activity including our choice of career, friends and ultimately our partner is geared at survival and material attainment. With that said we are choosing our partners based on how much they can enhance our chance of surviving a harsh economical situation and not on shared virtues and valued attributes.
On the other hand, most well off Jamaican men assert that due to their financial and economical superiority they are entitled to have intercourse and relationships with as many women as possible. Therefore many alpha males are calculating, deceitful, mendacious and promiscuous. They roam the social scenes for young women, copulating with as many as possible, leaving a trail of broken hearts, disenchanted women and post traumatic disorders behind them. Even if the man is married he is liable to have numerous paramour relations outside of his marriage. This makes fidelity another issue for women. If they are able to snatch the “so-called good man” there are no guarantees that he will remain with her solely since most affluent Jamaican men have several extramarital affairs.
It may be the case that women need to reevaluate what they want from a relationship and in a potential partner. I do understand that having a partner who can contribute, maintain and satisfy the economical and financial needs of the family is imperative as capitalism demands that our choices should be made on the basis of wealth attainment thus survival. A man, who does not work, cannot eat and should not have a wife and children because he will not be able to feed them. Based on this stance women are choosing partners based on his ability to provide for her needs and her offspring.
But it seems that Jamaican women are not choosing men based on his ability to provide for her needs. For many women the idea of a financially stable man is a male with several cars, a house in aspen, a cabin in Hawaii and several Swiss bank accounts. Women have redefined the term of a financially stable man. Financial stable meant catering for the necessities; wealth designates ability to provide excesses and the extras. Many Jamaican women want a wealthy man and not a financially stable male who is diligent ambitious and conscientious. Many women want a partner that is at the pinnacle of success with the consequent lifestyle and perquisites.
I am not saying that women should not desire to be with the most superlative partner but sometimes all that glitters may not be gold. Many Africans will say that if they knew what the gold on their continent would have done to their people and country they would have found a way to destroy it. Sometimes in life it is better to settle for a mere pearl that search for a diamond that may cost one, their life and sanity.
It is best to find someone who is driven by something far more profound than superficiality and materialism. My philosophy is that if I am dating a particular nucleus of men and it is not working out I change my objectives or ideal. Sometimes I need try other categories and maybe you will learn something new about your self and what you definitely need from a relationship. Other times we may need to evaluate our selves.
What kind of vibe are you giving off when you are around your alpha male? Are you scaring men off with your needy, desperate, disposition. Men state that what turns them off alpha females I s that they tend to have confrontational attitudes. Some males claim that they find the narcissism and bigot behavior of successful women nauseous. Others state that alpha females behave as relationship is an accomplishment like the plaques on her office wall. Remember women want connection, men do want connection but prefer relational importance. They like to feel as if they are males in the societal, relational traditional sense.