“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Thursday, October 22, 2015
Woman Dont Cry : The Bunna Man, the book for any woman who dated a jamaican man that only wanted her money...
I held on to the grills that barred my bedroom window from the inside, peeking out at the sunny day. The chirping of newly hatched chickens and the commanding cluck of the mother hen drowned in the background as the powerful sound of large trucks racing on the nearby main route dulled it.
I was a mad woman. I threw a sidelong glance at my wardrobe mirror to stare into the face of me. To see me, I believe, as others have seen me. Sometimes I didn't like what I see. It's a tragedy that I could not move in this body that I was born into without unease. The woman I believe myself to be and the one staring at me in the mirror were inalienable. Dre only saw the one in the mirror.
A twittering of birds lulled me back to the present. My eyes scanned the trees for the beautiful plumage of the fowl of the air from my backdoor that led into the concave of a hill.
I glanced at the manuscript- two hundred thousand words and counting. I've excluded so many chapters and unfinished parts when I was so steeped in despair that trying to write my way out of this heartache didn't provide the catharsis I needed.
This book is big. I thought about putting it into series, changing the font, utilising a smaller font size as well, in order that, this tale that signalled another turning point in my life could be available in one dusk jacket stack of bonded papers.
I smile at rows of banana trees, coconut trees with finger like leaves in colours of yellow, brown and green. The flesh beside my nose twitched, my eyes squinted and my dark brown lips pursed into a thin line. I rocked as if I was in a music video and oozing the confidence of video vixen. I was a mad woman. Dre's name felt like sawdust in my mouth.
I pulled a star shaped pair of ash-gold coloured earrings from my chest of drawers and put them on. Playing ‘dressed up’ worked wonders for my self-esteem. I added make up, a smearing of the cherry red lipstick, a most figure flattering under wear and then I slipped into my little black dress and sat before my laptop.
Love, literatures… most enduring muse.
When I started this story, it was about love and then it became about Dre, then about me and now, it's about women, relationships and self-esteem.
Saf was my literature magpie. I had collected parts of her while I milled around in my sorrow and my pregnancy hormones wreaked havoc on my personality. When some days, I walked around like a Jamaican ‘madda woman’ with two pencils stuck in my wrapped head wear, popularly known as a "tie head", ideas racing in my mind as fast as Usain Bolt.
Those were the days when Saf, my alter ego, and I felt like walking up Cerasee Road- butt naked, chattering gibberish and hollering out Dre's name. I'd sit and imagined it with my wanton imagination, the pot holes in the road filled with water, the women sprawling out on their verandas the faces of the Dre's legions of fans, the laughter of the young boys and Dre chasing me away in anger and embarrassment. I'd laugh to myself and begin to write again. Dre would never live long enough to see that happen.
I didn't love Dre. I hadn't loved him for a long time. The honeymoon wore off around the second month after he all but dried up with me when I didn't buy him a new pair of Clarkes. I, the literature major, missed the symbolism. He already had a perfectly good pair, yet he made me buy him a new one then he sold the old pair.
It was the beginning of our relationship and the grandest metaphor yet. Dre would turn away a good woman for the prospect of a new one. The metaphor expands for just as I had never seen Dre in that shoe, not once, so too I would do things for him that I will never reap nor benefit of it in the future. So it was in the beginning. So it shall be in the end.
I wept bitterly, my fingers trembled and I sat before my laptop to complete this story, blinking away tears, humming a soft tune and shaking my head in despair. I wished I’d never met him. He had scarred my life in a way that I had to rethink my entire modus operandi.
I scoffed; Dre said if I thought he would settle for me, Dre! I would have settled for him. I made a mirthless laugh.
This was my orchestra of life - my red lips, my dark curly hair on my shoulders, my round bottom on a stool like Alicia Keys at a concert... This is my story. I was mad like Jojo in Marvin's Room.
Sass tongue made a clucking sound in her mouth.
"Oh so that's what attracted you to him?"
I grinned. I knew sarcasm when I heard it.
Sass cackled. "My dear, silent river runs deeps"
"The quieter the person the bigger the freak. The greater the anger issues. There is such a thing as too quiet"
"The quiet facade is the outer layer. It lulls us on the outside into a false sense of security. Entraps us. For some the quiet front isn't directly intentional though!"
"Think of Dre as an onion the more layers you peel away the more tears you will shed"
"Every time you take him back, he reveals another layer of himself and things get worse!"
"You keep peeling...Until there is nothing left and all you did was waste your time"
"Don't even look for any closure from him, he won't give you none!"
"You think he's terrible?"
"Wait until he gets that money!!"
I let out a strong exhale and gasped. "I know!!!"
"You don't need to be a psychologist to know something was wrong with this boy!"
"Most people if you don't like them, the kinder they are to you, you warm up to them and even in conflicts, you resolve situations easily because you remember their kindness"
"Is Dre like that to you?"
I shook my head.
"You could have given Dre the world and it would never have been enough for him!"
"His behavior is that of a child"
"Think about your four year old, you gave her a lollipop and the one time you don't give her, she throws a tantrum and acts as if you are the worst mother in the world"
"That's Dre right there"
I sucked my teeth. I was still hollow but I felt wiser. The talk session with Sass opened my mind, didn't heal my heart.
I asked. "Why does Dre hate my child's father or any man that is nice to me? Or any man him think have sex me? Or has had sex with me??"
Sass snaps her finger. "Jealousy is real"
"He feels like you are his. Any man that has been with or is with you is trespassing on what he believes is his"
"Also he is afraid that the man may prevent you from going back to him"
"Men in your life are a threat to him and the control he believes he has over you."
"He is jealous of these other men. He knows the treatment he got so he is jealous!
"He doesnt want anyone to have the same treatment. To feel the way you make him feel"
"His jealousy is real and the men in your life need to be careful"
"Dre is very unstable!"
"He's a liar" I said as if in a trance.
She paced the floor and opened her hands.
"Lies, fake world and fantasy!"
"He's convince himself that some of these things are true!"
"It's one of the reasons why he cannot stay around you long enough, you are not apart of his fantasy!"
"You don't encourage it?"
"He needs to be around women who worship him, friends who lord him and not around you whom he knows deep down he doesn't deserve"
"His mother who tells him, he's good even though he's bad!"
"You show him up too much"
I folded my lips before I spoke.
"You know when me and him deh, he had about three incidents of erectile dysfunction!"
"I always wondered about it and it wasn't until Shelly told me that Dre told her his dick couldn't stand up for me that I realized that Dre purposely did it to validate what he told her!"
"I confronted him about it and he laughed and say me gwaan like me know everything!"
Sass opened her mouth. "Jesus Christ!"
"Hes a psychologist dream"
"He's one twisted fuck!"
" Can you imagine the things and the lies he's perpetrating on you now to make himself look better, to justify hurting you!"
"I know his mom told me sometimes she wonders about me!" I spat.
She waggled her fingers like a mother rebuking a child.
"The difference between you and him is that the Saf he will paint to people is the only Saf he knows"
"The Dre you know is the one every woman knows!"
"His mother wonders about you and your state of mind, she should be wondering what kind of person attacks pregnant women and old people, or is ungrateful to the point of repulsion!"
"She's in denial"
"But Dre will unleash his monster on her too, very soon!"
Sass paced the floor in her office.
I chuckled and shuffled in my seat.
"I worry a lot about whether he's making some woman happy!"
"If he's being nice to them and not nice to me!"
Sass waved her hand dismissively.
"Dre doesn't want a relationship with you!"
"You are like one of his clients it's just that he has sex with you"
"He entered this relationship with one aim!"
"To get money to realize his dreams and everyone was in on this game including his other women!"
"Dre is unreasonable to the point where he thinks he has every right to hurt you and get away with it because the egomaniacal part of him sees you as beneath him!"
Sass flash me a wicked grin.
"Here's how the new women come In now!"
"You are now a yardstick for them!"
"He will judge them based on you, worse if you become greater than where you are now!"
"You will be the ghost in his life and every woman will know about you!"
"He will tell them about you to under value and manipulate them!"
"He sees you as adding to his overall value and getting a woman like you means he's indeed a "top man!"
"These women might laugh at you now, they might think, they have won, but they will come to respect you and many will hate you for Dre will throw you in their faces whenever they fall short!"
"You've damaged him for these other women, let's just hope he hasn't done the same thing to you too"
"Dre wants to forget you but he won't, he's coming back!"
"When I say he's coming back that's no consolation to you, it's to your detriment!"
"Please don't take him back"
The Bunna Man
Crystal A. Evans
Copyright © 2015
"I dreamt him last night again!"
"I dreamt it was my birthday and I called him and he promised to buy me a birthday day cake for ten grand"
"I kept a party at a big White House in the woods, he sent the cake, he didn't come to the party and there was a large crowd there, and I left and went to another section of the property, there was a black caldina parked there... It was empty!"
"I was alone"
I relaxed into the reclining chair. When I spoke, my voice broke.
"My granny say it's not a good dream!"
"She say the caldina a hearse!"
"The house a grave and the crowd a me funeral"
"She ask me if me nyam the cake, me say no!"
"She say me overcome him"
Sass burst into loud guffaws.
"You granny too damn superstitious!!!"
She sat on one of the edges of get rectangular desk.
"Well its obvious your mind is on dre. I must say I hold different beliefs in the area of dreams. In my experience they reflect the state of mind of the individual. It shows your expectations of him-buying you a cake symbolizes the responsibilities he should take up and this is making you happy."
" The ten grand symbolizes that he must take special care and interest in you, meet your worth, your self worth. A ten grand cake is indeed a extravagant and wonderful cake. You have a great self worth."
"The other part of your dream shows your disappointment. He is a no show. He doesnt meet your expectations. Also that you are better off in the world without him"
"The shade black usually symbolizes depression. Obviously you are going through a hard time. You are traveling suggesting that you will arrive at the party. The party may symbolize healing. The crowd your friends and family. The cake can represent your joy. You paid dearly for your freedom from him. The least you can do is enjoy it. "
"The dream may also symbolize the shame he brought on you. Everything was his doing in that arena. And him leaving you to face everything alone. The wretch. You alone have to face the disgrace while nobody notices him. In that case the cake represents the disgrace he has brought. And the crowds are the literal crowds that are viewing your grief while you alone bear it in the vehicle of depression"
I grinned. "Sound plausible!"
Sass folder her hands across her chest.
"Has his mother showed any concerns about your well being?"
My eyebrows rose and my eyes widened.
"No, if I don't call her, she doesn't call me not even to ask how me doing!"
Sass shook her head.
"Same reason why the boy has never been concerned about you in your time of distress!"
"Don't you see the connection between mother and son"
"The mother lies, the boy lies and the mother covers for him"
"The mother talks about her past relationships, the son does too"
"The mother concentrated on your weight above all else, the boy did too"
"Them spend hours a talk about you and strip you down like mother and daughter!"
I chuckled. "I always said he wasn't like his dad more like her"
Sass grinned. "Ahhhhh"
"He's a combination of both"
"Eunice is just trying to blame everybody except her and Dre for Dre's dirty behavior!"
I laughed. "You know the bwoy tell people how me theif him fifty million and someone said the mom said a one hundred and fifty"
Sass bowed her head, held her belly and burst into a donkey bray like laughter.
"A so much money?"
"No wonder him want kill you"
I sucked my teeth. "Not a damn thing like that"
Sass angled her head. "You see you have to pity the family members!"
"It's uncanny, they don't realize that if they weren't related to Dre, they would not qualify to associate with him"
"He would see his brothers as fools for being non violent"
"He would not even look at someone who looks like his mother"
"If he snubs you, imagine what he would do to them if they weren't related to him
Aaahhh!" I said clucking my tongue.
"Him always say why me can't make him happy!"
Sass chuckled. "A that ago be him downfall, he is blaming everyone for what went wrong in his life except himself?"
"That means he will never change!"
"He doesn't see himself as being part of the problem!"
She leaned forward.
"I don't care about them anymore, I only care about you and helping you get past this!"
"Mind me, there will be days and then there will be dayzzzzzzz"
She pointed her finger at my chest.
"I want you to change your thinking!"
"Relationship with others? Be honest. Be considerate. Listen. Forgive. Friendships are gifts, treasure them if you are the only one fighting then stop and move on. It doesn't mean you stop being friends it just means that you know the level that relationship is on!"
"I don't want this thing here with this boy and his skewed thinking to become the main event of your life"
"I want you to love you, all of you and I want you to stop dating gangsters!"
"I see that you are attracted to them!"
"They will never be what you want them to be. You are a beautiful woman but you aren't ghetto fabolous, you aren't bleached in horse hair so they won't value you!"
"You are way above their level!"
She pulled me up out of the chair by placing her small hands underneath my arms. She began to pinch my arms, slap my legs and fondle my boobs.
"This is all you, embrace it"
She glanced down on her self.
"I am skinny as raas. And alot of men found fault with that. You would not believe how they termed me. But I grew to love myself. I have an ex who helped me alot to overcome my issues we are great friends now. He is married and his wife knows me. Thats the type of exes to aim for. The type that even if you break up you can still have a great relationship based on the same factors that brought you together. Breakups mean moving on to better and greater. Not becoming worse. Aim for relationships that build you up even after they are done. People that are forward thinking. Open minded and true to themselves and you."
"Last but not least..."
"Don't go back to who hurt you so that they can heal you!"
"It's like putting a bandaid on gangrenous arm"
"The arm will still rot underneath the bandage"
"Love yourself, see everyone else is looking out for themselves with scant regard for you, love yourself and put yourself first!"
The Bunna Man
Copyright © 2015
Crystal A. Evans
I heard Sass in my head. I only listened to her now, I willed myself not to remember negativity only positivity...
"You see his choice of words towards you...they are derogatory. He wanted to keep you down so that when he did show you some measure of kindness it would mean the world to you and it would give you hope."
I told her I wanted to write a book.
"Its your world saf. No one can make the decisions. Only you. Now the type of writing you will undertake...cleanse yourself with every word you write. Smile with every page you complete. Who knows...this book could be more than what you ever dreamed. It can help change the lives of women going through the same thing. Help others find closure. Fight."
All I felt these days was fear and nothing else.
She reassured me.
"In the face of fear you have two choices. Fight or flight. Will you run away Saf? Will you run away from those deep seated emotions Dre has put inside you or will you face them? Will you face them and fight them? Can you channel them into positivity? Or will you run and hide behind a wall of pretence?"
"Don't be like Dre!!!"
"Dre a the real pussy!"
She cackled like a witch
"Pussy cat liddung under a chair. He choose flight to counteract his fear"
She scoffed... "You lost but it's your time to gain!"
"He asks for food, money and clothes. At no point did he mention spending time with you. At no point did he mention anything of mutual benefit. Everything was "Dre centered"
"He's never good for you!"
"Typical egocentric child"
"Every damn word out of his mouth was aimed at manipulating you to get what he wanted. You are a real fairy godmother Saf!"
I thought about that statement and my hatred for Dre boiled to new heights.
Sass emphasized. "Him fi put pan ward 21. No mind right next a window so him can guh chuck off and swim pan pavement and stop ruin good women"
"That man is like an idol. You don't realize it yet, and you bring him into your home. You worship him. Then the idol shows its demonic powers. You are so blinded by thinking its a valuable item that you deny its demonic influence. Then it gets worse and finally ruins you, laughing at you as it makes its way to another person to destroy them as well. The demon possessed idol has a chain of followers who are self blinded to the truth. You realize the truth but you also see the idol as it is. Faux. What you must seek to do now is accept that you made a mistake. You are afterall human. Do not dwell in misery and self pity. Pick yourself up and reveal him to the world with the book. The book is closure. You will reflect on your mistakes and learn from them. Build yourself a better person. I know its hard to think he will never accept what he has done. Take peace in knowing that you can move on, and he knew what he was doing but he isn't sorry and he will never be.
Exorcize your soul of the demon that is Deandre Myles. Pray. Fill your life with the things that make for peace love and joy. Even when you feel most alone look to your faith and hold on to your god; pray and cry out your pain. He will hear and understand and he will send an angel into your life when the time is right. That time isn't now. Now you must heal and grow.
Dre picked you up and ate your ripened flesh threw you a dry seed in the soil. You task now is to germinate. Set strong sturdy roots. And grow. Grow big and tall and tower over him like a giant. Oblivious to him. Making yourself into a meaningful citizen of society and in the lives of your friends and family."
I burst into tears. I guess I will be doing that for sometime.
Remembering and crying...
Not a life of condoms, a lifetime of tears.
Sass blue raspberries, she was still a child at heart. A different kind from Dre.
"Dre saw a delicate golden flower and decided he must have it."
"But he made sure the flower never knew she was golden"
"Made her out to be worthless"
She shook her head like a grandmother telling takes of a life filled with remorse. It was cinematic.
"you took alot of degradation from that wretch"
"But sad to say. I understand. Its not simply explained. The intricacies are many. And its not well thought out either."
"Good night Saf. I have the people dem work in the morning...cant wait to hang up my PHD and tell government a piece a my mind...think only good things before bed dearie. Drink some water. Watch a comedy."
The Bunna Man
Crystal A. Evans
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
I doubled up in the corner of my room, sometimes i paced the floor. My broken heart would not give way in my chest. I have been down this road before. It's a strange yet familiar terrain, didn't make it less gruelling.
I had nightmares.
I tossed and turn in my sleep. I've contemplated suicide. The jokes are all on me.
People said that I deserved the disgrace that Dre brought upon my head. I shouldn't have left Jerr for Dre. Dre is a slithering serpent.
While I locked myself inside, dying of heartache and humiliation, I was told that Dre was up and about, happy and sociable. He moved on with his life as if nothing had happened. I was left to pick up the broken pieces. I am a mess.
My mother rebuked me with scorn. She chastised me for being a weak woman, a foolish woman.
She was the mother whom I witnessed at age of three year old, when the father of my younger siblings chopped her in the palm of her hand. There was blood everywhere. I was a baby and the room was redolent with the scent of fresh blood. It's a sight that stained my memory just as it had done my maternal grandmother's floor.
My mother groped her palm, her boyfriend fled the scene. Less than a year later, my mother had a daughter with him and then she had another child with the man that chopped her hand before her pre school daughter. She had two children with a man who tried to dismember her.
My mother forgave him, just as she'd forgiven my father for saying that I was a jacket. Two years later, she had another baby for the my dad who didn't own her first child until after a Paternity test. Two children for the man who deemed get a whore and her child a bastard. Me a bastard.
My mother despised me for allowing Dre to treat me like shit. What did she expect? I am after all my mother's child. Taking bullshit from men is in my genes.
Like my grandmother whom I witnessed being repeatedly beaten and cheated on by her husband.
Mama would go out of her way to cook the best dinner for him. One plate with ground provisions, the best yams, dumpling and banana and a rare dish packed with large chunks of meat. The tallest glasses of soursop juice. Some nights he didn't turn up. Some nights he came home and didn't touch his food and mama cried, and read psalms twenty three facing the rising and setting of the sun.
Mama would cook the best dinner after an evening of beatings, crowds gathering, police car siren deafening and my father holding a bloody clothe at the side of his head after he defended my grandmother from the tyranny of her husband.
I the perspicacious, introverted five year old, seethed with anger and promised myself that no man would ever do this to me.
Until I met Jerr and I met Dre...
Taking bull shit from men is in my gene.