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“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Saturday, January 23, 2010

Why Jamaican Men get offensive when a woman knows what she wants

Why men get offensive when a woman knows what she wants?

Why alpha men do not like intelligent women?

I was reading stories on the website Baggagereclaim.com about how successful, intelligent women are having difficulties finding a spouse who are on their level. Women are complaining that if a man perceives that a woman makes more money than him, then he is less likely to pursue a relationship with her. Men are very intimidated by a woman who is far more trenchant and smarter than he is. Women are saying that men are more likely to be obnoxious and distance while having a conversation with a woman who is “too deep”. Women asserted that if a female demonstrates that she knows topics beyond latest magazine gossips, shoes, clothing and other superficial conversation topical, a man easily becomes bored.

I want to share some tidbits of encounters I have had with an alpha males or so-called alpha males and his dispositions. I would love for my readers to make an assessment of the situation. I will share my input and you may share yours if you choose to at the bottom of the page.
My latest encounter was with a well known executive who I will call Tony. Tony is the type of man who is intelligent in his natural sense. He is an avid reader, experience and has an ego the size of Jupiter. Tony falls into a category of men who initially find a woman’s intelligence intriguing but as soon as he realized that it will stymie his ability to get her in bed, her intellect becomes insufferable to him. He will attempt to insult her by way of degrading her physique or downplaying the importance of her trenchancy by insinuating that she is overcompensating or below standard. The woman will more likely than not be offended by his comments, shuts up for the rest of the date or simply give him lib and leave his arrogant ass.


He will resort to character assassination to wear down her chastity defenses. He will attempt to destroy her self concepts and ideologies by rendering them immaterial and vacuous. The idea is to reduce her self awareness so that he can have his way with his date. He wants to tear down a woman’s defenses to the point where she will comply with his advances and he wins by getting her to change her morals. It is simply an ego struggle between an alpha male and an alpha female that he perceives to be a threat to his masculine inflated ego.



Tony told me that I was using erudite terms to overcompensate for my nonexistent self esteem and as a means of impressing men. I stared at him tongue in cheek as my psychology skills honed into high gear. This man was accusing me of trying to impress him when he changed his car on each date we went out on. I did not accuse him of being pompous when he told me about his cruises and travels. He apparently liked hearing the sound of his voice and not the sound of mine. He was complaining about my grandiloquence, when the entire conversation from his end was riddled with complexities, self satisfying philosophies and profundity. What a double standard? It was OK for him to be erudite but for me it meant that I was a cerebral narcissist with a labile self worth.


Tony told me that he did not believe Oprah Winfrey was a successful woman. In his mind, her money did not make her successful. He said that she did not have children and was afraid of committing to Stedman. From his perspective, a woman cannot be successful without playing the traditional roles which included, child bearing, rearing and domestication. He was vicariously telling me what he thought of women like me, who were aspiring to become Oprah Winfrey or a variant of her. It was becoming more palpable that my date was a chauvinist. He said that being an intelligent woman was a good thing but it would not hurt to use my vagina other than my intellect as a means of ascendancy in life (to add insult to injury). He asserted that I was young, naïve and dumb girl with the notion that the world is going to pause to accommodate ‘my naive, archaic ideas of love, marriage and relationships’.



He contended that I needed a sex life because he knows that I am pining away for a man and it was affecting my ability to reason. He claims that I should try being feminine, using guile and sexiness to ensnare men and maybe then I would be able to keep a man. He said instead of concentrating on success, I should try to figure out how to get and keep man. He declared that I was terminally naïve, theoretically intelligent but lacking street knowledge. It became clear to me that this man was not interested in me but rather how I made him feel and whether or not he would be able to have sex with me. He said “try using you p*@#$%, it will take you places and sometimes faster than your brain”. What an insult!!!!



I was naïve and dumb because I refuse to be treated like an object of sexual gratification by a married man. I was “terminally naïve” because I refused to behave like most young adult females who see intercourse as a meal ticket or an escape into a paroxysm of pleasure. I had an imaginary self esteem fueled by my unwavering desire for intellectual superiority, cognition and academical success and that was a sin than a virtue. The man had known me for an hour. He concluded that I was naïve, brilliant yet lacking street knowledge, utopic and possesses low self regard. Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men with gigantic egos and a desire to assassinate my character?



The funny thing about this conversation is that I did not tell Mr. Tony that I was interested in him as a potential partner. Mr. Tony happens to be happily married with a family and is interested in dating young women for sexual gratifications. I quickly conclude that a man of his character would have had absolutely nothing virtuous to say to me. Why did I go on a date with him was beyond me.


Men of Tony’s character enjoy seeing women in domestic and traditional positions. He contended that he was a moral man and yet he was adulterous, cheating on his beta wife at home. Tony realized that I was adamant with my relational precepts and sought to wear me down my insinuating that I was unattractive. Tony declared that I am probably responsibly for my past relationships. He was convinced that my ex boyfriends had deserted me. He did not ask me about my life, instead he was telling me what he gleaned from our brief encounter. Tony was attempting to impel a change in my perspectives by using the old narcissistic tactic called character assassination.



The man stated that I should change my worldview before it is too late and I should cease pursuing success and act like a regular twenty one year old. Regular twenty one year olds are ecstatic to have sex with older married men in exchange for money and pleasure. A cursory relationship with no strings attached was what Mr. Tony was offering me. He was offering me (in his mind) a life because I had none based on his analysis.



I sat back and peered at him from across the table, feeling amused and incensed by his diatribe. I was halfway between bursting into loud guffaws, grabbing my bag and stomping out of the restaurant like a raging bull. He kept ranting oblivious of the fumes emanating from my body. It took him a while to realize that I had stop contributing and he was listening to his own voice. I muttered reactionary sentences to reassure him that I was interested in his relationship dogmas and what he thought of me. It is always wise to agree with a verbal attacker or remain silence. Defending oneself will encourage and embolden the attacker, to bombard with more insults, lower blows and harsher statements. Do not add gasoline to a fire, doused it with water. Remembering my grandmother’s philosophy for dealing with men of this nature, I relaxed and allow Mr. Tony to voice his opinions about my sexuality and how he thought I could effectively improve my existence through sexual transmission.

Women will attest that men rarely need to hear about your sapient notions and deep rhetoric while on a date. Most men are interested in getting sensual and carnal. The reality of the situation is that men do not want to know what your IQ score is but are more interested in the diameter of one’s vagina.

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