“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Thursday, January 28, 2010
BREAK UPS 101: First Date Break Ups Part 1
At the dinner, he listened attentively and held her hands from across the table. He whispered endearments in her ear. He had a saccharine sense of humor. When He had kissed her hands lightly, her heart fluttered and she knew that this time, there would be no mistakes. They even held hands on the way to her apartment. He was the perfect gentle man. Trina jumped into bed and romanticized about her new found love.
Three weeks later …
Trina sat at her desk glancing at the phone. Every fiber in her body yearned to call Ken but she could not allow herself to. He said he would call and it was almost a month since their date and she had not heard from him.
Trina is fighting to grasp what went wrong. She was sure that they had a connection. She replayed over the indices and nuances of the day they met until the night that they went out on the date and tried to fathom what went wrong! She was confused and calling Ken was the only clarity to her addled mine.
She dialed Ken’s number and it rang without an answer. She hanged up and tried three times with her number ID hidden. Ken picked up on the fourth ring!
Trina says “ hello Ken, what happened…I was waiting to hear from you…I thought something had happened to you…I miss you so much!”
There is a deafening silence on the other end and Trina had to look at the phone screen to reassure herself that he was still there listening.
Ken replies in a stern, annoyed voice “who is this?”
Trina felt a huge lump in her windpipe as she swallowed hard and her eyes brimmed with tears. She answered with a cheerful voice that belied the hurt that was slowly enveloping her body “it’s me Trina”
Ken sighed in annoyance “from where?”
Trina croaked “from Hendon…we went out on a date three weeks ago”
Ken laughs “hey Trina…what’s up long time don’t hear from you…what happen! Why you could not call me? I lost your number because I changed my phone!”
Ken said in a crisped voice “it was nice hearing from you and I hope that all is well with you. I have a meeting so I have to run. We will talk sometime. Have a nice day!”
And he hanged up. Leaving Trina hanging there in midsentence as she replied to his statements.
Trina felt like marching down to the bastard’s house and demand that he make amends for the pain that he was causing her.
She cried. Thinking how much she wasted her time on him. For days she had fantasized that he would call and that they would have a relationship. She was angry. It was a good date. They had fun and it felt good to be with him and he felt it too. She thought that he was genuine.
But he was just like those other scoundrels. He had misled her and hurt her. Oh how she hated men!
What had she done wrong?
How could a seemingly nice man, treat her so cold?
How could a date that had gone well turn out to be this sour?
There is no novelty to this story. I have seen it happened perennially and to be frank I have had firsthand experience. Most women can attest to being in this situation at least once in their lifetime. The man seems handsome and eligible. You have great social time together. He promised to call but never does. In cases like these the Dumper normally allows the Dumpee to figure out that there won’t be a relationship. While the Dumpee waits days on end for a call that she eventually will have to make. The male has decided that there won’t be a relationships and has not relayed that information to the female. He assumes that by ignoring her and not calling her that she will get the message. Often times the message is not decoded and the female calls only to have her worst fears come to pass. He doesn’t want a relationship.
First Date Break Up is the most perplexing form of break up because in most cases the Dumpee(Trina) is unaware of what lead to the disintegration of a association that showed signs of growth and substance. She is left with a feeling of emptiness as she is constantly analyses every aspect of the date so as to pinpoint what went wrong.
This type of Break Up is a huge blow to the Dumpee’s Ego as sexual intercourse did not take place. The Dumped feels as if she has suffered a great lost as she has not had a fulfilling experience with her object of affection. She feels cheated. She feels indignant, angry that she was denied the right to get closer to her date. She missed an intimacy that she never had. She missed the life with him that she had conjured in her head. His statement and indifference echoing the truth that nothing would happen between them and that she was just a mere acquaintance. One that is soon forgotten. Break Ups of this nature normally generates resentment of the male because the female feels as if she was victimized unnecessarily. The aversion is intensified by the male’s apparent stoic response to her situation, his lack of forwardness and disregard for her feelings.
What makes First Date Break Ups so intriguing is that by the end of the night or the next date both parties have made up their minds about the status of the association. The female has made up her mind that he is the one and the male has made up his mind that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. This is evident because he does not call after the date. If he calls and then his calls begin to decline during the next few weeks that’s and entirely different situation. When he doesn’t. It means what it appears to mean. It means that he is not interested in you. He may like you, he probably wants to have sex with you but at this moment he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s a harsh reality that women have to face every day and it’s the reality of a man’s rejecting you especially when you know that you haven’t violated him in anyway. You haven’t done him any wrong and he has decided to call it quits!
There are always warning signs and it should be noted that even before some women make the call, they already sense that something is wrong. The female knows the man doesn’t want a relationships and there is no use holding because it’s not going to happen. This should be evident if he has not tried to contact you at most a week after your date.
However, it’s difficult to let go because she does not know what lead him to change his mind. In order for the female to let go she needs closure, hence the final attempt to contact him and hear what he has to say. Females like Trina feels a wave of anguished. It is very difficult to forget Break Ups of this nature as the association ends without any apparent reasons other than one party deciding not to continue acquaintance by aborting communication.
It takes a strong, experienced and willed minded woman to resist the urge to call her date after he has not called for day. A woman who is knowledgeable of the dynamics surrounding male thought process and mating selection patterns will not be aggrieved by a man who takes you out and then doesn’t call to follow up on plans to initiate a relationship.
In parts II and III, I am going to give you the reasons why he hasn’t called and what to do when he doesn’t. Additionally I am going to suggest ways of improving your dating experiences so as to mitigate the possibility of the First Date Break Ups. Parts II and III are displayed on the page below as related articles.