“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Break ups 101: It is too little too Late
You long for the love that you once had before. The moments that you had with your EX that you probably took for granted then are now more precious than gold. You relive experiences in your mind. You romanticize about your ex-lover and the day that he will be back in your arms. And then you wake up the next morning and the harsh reality of your situation hits you!
Your heart rent from your chest and your partner gnaws it right before your eyes. You faint into obscurity and an abyss of infinite pain and misery. A pool of emotions so overwhelming that even the greatest swimmer is liable to drown in it. A chasm that only the arms of your love can extract you from its depth of anguish and eternal torment, granting you life, verve and vim like you had experience from.
For whatever reasons your relationship ended it should be noted that your partner found something about you that he was attracted to and it is liable that he stills love those qualities. It is just that at the moment your demerits are overshadowing those qualities or he has found someone else who exhibits those qualities at a better dimension.
It is never too late and true love never dies. I am not going to stand here and tell you to get over him and move on with your life nor will I support you pursuing a relationship that is probably unhealthy and will only engender more pain in the long run.
What I will advice is for you to follow your head. Yes I said your head and not your heart. Our hearts have a knack for misleading us as women as our intuitive natures tend to override our intelligence when it comes to men, rendering us stupefied. We rationalize that it is futile pursuing this man but our traitorous hearts will not let go of the growl in his voice and our bodies betray us by yearning for the feel of his hard angular, masculine body. We know that nothing good will come out of reconnecting with this man but yet our heart keeps telling us “just this once…just one more chance to make it alright” …one more night, give me just one more night…and then our hearts get broken and he leaves again.
The truth is that you cannot force someone to love you and regardless of what you assume about your Ex-lovers feelings towards you, it should not cloud the reality of the situation. Calling him and trying to convince him to reconnect with you will only backfire. You may end up pushing him further away and subjecting yourself to disrespect (if he is abusive) and more pain than you could possibly feel, if you had accepted the situation as it is.
The worst thing that you could do is try and persuade a grown man about his decisions or try to reason with him. If he is not a mature and intelligent man who understands the dynamics of human emotions; your pleas for reconciliation may prove only as comic relief for him and his friends. He will also lose respect for you and may see you as being needy, desperate and lacking emotional strength.
Calling him will do more harm than good and begging him to take you back may subject you to exploitation if he is an unscrupulous individual. A deceitful and immoral man will not be hesitant in destroying a woman that wears her heart on her sleeves! If you are a successful woman and financially wealth off, a less financially stable man that you are pining over may well reconnect with you to siphon your money and then dump you when your wallet runs dry!
Buying him expensive accoutrement and being ‘loving poetic’ won’t get you anywhere. Men do not respond to gifts and endearments the way we do. That’s the reason why poetry and words works better on us than it does on them. Now you know why pouring out your heart to a man does not make him cry but make him look at you with than disgusted smirk on his face. But if he should pour his heart out. You will need a boat to get out of the house, the way you’ll rain in the emotions!
Additionally pining and romancing over him won’t help. It only makes you feel worst when you leave the utopic world and realize that it was all in your head. While you are there dying over this man he is probably out having the time of his life and having little or no thought of you. Get yourself back together. Join the gym or go jogging, you can log on online and try some great exercise program or jog around your house. You will be amazed at what exercise can do to your mood and in the long run, you may get the physique that will make your Ex want to crawl back to you!
Take a course somewhere, delve into your career, join a support group or get involve in volunteer work. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself? Do things that highlight your assets and allow you to use your aptitudes. You will be surprise and how much you forget the pain when you are busy. Your Ex may not come back into your life but by keeping yourself busy. You will get over the hurt and the pain will get easier as the days go by! You learn something new about yourself and ma well magnified some inherent skills that lay dormant because you were being distracted. You may attract the kind of man that will cause your heart to flutter again and this time for real!
And cry when you want to cry! Feel the pain, accept the hurt and take the time to reevaluate your life and what it is that you want. This would be the best time for you to decide whether or not you need this man back into your life. Don’t be afraid to be alone, when you have passed this phase you won’t even notice your solitary situation! I would rather be alone than be with a man that is hurting me!
I believe in destiny and my mother always says ‘if he is the one …don’t worry he is coming right back!” if he loves you with all his heart and realizes that he feels inadequate without you. He will be coming back. But think carefully before you take your ex-lover back. You need to do some serious discussions and make hard decisions about your roles in the relationship so as to ensure that what happened before does not happen again. If you doubt your Ex-boyfriend’s renewed commitment to you then it is best to leave the relationship in its broken shape! Being in a relationship with high levels of insecurity may cause you more harm than happiness.
Get over it! It’s his lost not yours! He has just given you a chance to find someone better!