“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
So that guy who left you may just be exactly what you need to encourage an upgrade. Get a new boyfriend. A better man who will treat you exactly as you deserve. Someone more educated. Someone who understands the finer details of who you are. Who understands your fears, ambitions desire and who is willing to support you and see you through? I have learnt that in this life I will have to sleep with a few Draculas, kiss a few frogs and tackle jealous stepmothers before I kiss my prince. Additionally, sometimes the one that we are looking for may not be a prince but may well be an ogre like Shrek. But do not let the love stumble, fall or leg break stymie your goals, dreams and desires. Do not allow yourself to be hurt more than what is neccessary. Do not over punish yourself. Let this be your moment of acceptance. You may never get over it but you can learn to live with it.
When I fell in love with a narcissist and he did not love me back I could have easily assumed that this was the end of my life. I was hurt; I do remember what he did to me from time to time. I understand that I may never get over the pain and humiliations that I was subjected to but I have learned to live with it and that is what is important. I accept that I am responsible for my well being and that I cannot prevent people from hurting me and even men from exploiting me as long as I allow them to do it. Even though my heart smashed into a billion pieces, I have learnt to love again and his diabolical deeds did not transform me into a misandric. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. I do not hold a grudge against him nor do I wish him any ill will.
You may be hurting, god forbid you may feel as if you just wasted the last nine months of your life pandering to his every need, offering your bodily pleasures to him willingly and putting some of your selfish needs aside to please him and then he gets up and leaves you without warning and sometimes with every presage. You feel completely ripped apart to the point that you cannot completely understand how a human being could have been that nefarious, unfeeling and downright exploitative towards your feelings. I prolonged my suffering by punishing myself more that what was warranted. I scolded my sister for telling me to join that web dating service. I admonished my mother for encouraging me to give him a chance even when better judgment kept telling me that there was sometime mentally and emotionally wrong with this man. I distance myself from my family. I made my relatives and friends feel guilty because i was in so much pain and they felt helpless. They wanted to help but every statement they made only made the low feeling in my tummy sink lower.
I dugged myself into a hole and I hated my job. I could not wait to get home from my job and i wanted to be alone. I spent nights gazing into space, regurgitating my love life to anyone who was available and crying until I was numb or had fallen asleep. I was in a ditch. I was depressed. I stopped loving the things I loved doing such as reading and reading some more. My mind was preoccupied with a million quizzes on what did I do to encourage the wrath of my narcissistic ex.
The worst part of my relational fall was that I felt stupid. I am like most people who pride themselves on being sapient above average and felt a wave of reality slammed at me when someone that I perceived to be far less wise than I am outwits me. I felt that my acuity should have alerted me to the fact that I was dating faux.
Truth be told, we cannot help who we fall in love with. We are surprised at times, the man we are willing to give our hearts to. Just like a serial killer who is a loving father and caring husband. We often cannot choose who we love. But I can choose how to protect my well being. I was not to be blamed I fell for a role. I feel in love with an act. He was not real and he would never be. I needed to be true to myself.
its hard being true to oneself and letting go of the narcissist when one begins to think there is no alternative to him.
but there is go on out and live life
for more on why women stay with narcissist and abusive men
click on link
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
I have always heard my girlfriends talking about Wolverine; dark, handsome and infectious are his epithets. Well to me he is not drop dead gorgeous but he had this attractiveness about him that made him irresistible or is it the Lexus Alteeza that he drove that had women drooling over him. He is 5feet 8inches tall and has Saudi Arabian phenotype. He is an accountant at Bank of Nova Scotia Limited and his mother is from a prominent family in the Grange District.
I often wonder what it would be like to have wolverine stare at me in a propositioning way but apparently that was never going to happen since every time I see him or look at him he looked right through me. It is as if where he is concerned I am invisible or non-existent. Eventually, I accept the notion that I would never get near a guy like wolverine since I was obviously not his type. I am 5feet 4inches tall, voluptuous and averagely attractive. I am no femme fatale and I mostly see him with skinny girls and I was nowhere near a silhouette physique.
I remember seeing him one Sunday morning in his mechanical chariot and as I stare at the car expecting him to see the desperado in my eyes and wave at me, take my number and later on ask me to marry him. He rolled passed me without even a horn blow. Last week I went to a party and while I was enjoying the reverie, I saw the Alteeza strolling up the avenue. He alighted from the vehicle like a Greek god staring me dead in the eye and then he averted his gaze. I was transfixed and vowed to cherish that moment that he had looked at me. Moments after his entrance, an African semblance chick alight from the car and proceeded in the direction that he went. Looking at girl, I realized that I was not so bad after all and that if I lost a few pounds he may see me as a desirable woman.
Three years later…
I hate taking the taxi in the afternoon after a long day at work, filing accounts and auditing transactions. This driver was not bad since he played music and I love a taxi that plays contemporary music. As I shift over more in the car to allow another passenger inside, my prince sped pass in his chariot. I felt love welling up into my heart. Right there and then I decided that I was going to find a way to call him and express my eternal, undying love for him.
The next morning I decided to call wolverine’s workplace and use a pretext to get his number and then call him as a mystery woman. I got the number and I called him expressing the desire for a contract agreement with his company. When I rang his phone I hang up due to nervosa complexity and told my assistant to answer the phone, if he called back and he did. This guy was going to put me in what Rhianna called a Rehab.
My assistant spoke with him while I giggled like a lovesick teenager. She ended the conversation and she said “he sounds sober”. I laughed and decided that I was going to send him a web text. I send the text and he replied by texting my phone. We text each other until he called and we spoke on the phone. I deduced from our verbal exchange that he was hilarious, sweet and companiable. He talked to me as if we were old friends catching up on old times. He told me that he was living in Grange which I found perplexing since I had assumed that he left the area. Since he was not being forward with his data I decided not to be probity either. We decided to meet later in the afternoon and I was ecstatic for the rest of the evening.
I stood at my door waiting for wolverine to pick me up in his Alteeza. I was very nervous and anxious about meeting him. As I stood I saw the Alteeza pulled up at my feet and I walked in front of the car. I sat in the car and he turns the lights on to get a good look at my face. I felt sheepish and feverish under his probing eyes and that’s when I realized that he is not that good looking from close range. He had beamy eyes and his hair lining was receding. I discovered that he was older that I had assumed and that he had a beer belly that his clothes hid. Most disturbing was that he had a fetish that I could not comply with and he was a pervert. He did not like women of my size even though he never said it directly but he implied that conviction in his reactions to my preference of food and his catalogue reputation. Wolverine was a braggart and lack propositioning skills
On the other hand he had a delectable sense of humour. He is charming and has this innocent look on his face that broke my heart every time I stare at him. He exudes this cool confidence, air of humility and appears to have a sense of purpose in his life. He was not perfect.
He brought me home with him and there I encountered another disappointment. His house was basically a bachelor’s pub. There was minimal furniture in the apartment even though the basic conveniences were available. Wolverine’s clothing was strewn over the floor, in boxes and barrels in one corner. He had a dusty dresser set that did not have any figures, crochet accoutrement only hygienic assortments. The TV was placed on a box in his room marked HCG cassettes (I asked him what he was doing with a box of pregnancy tests and he laughed and said that he had recently moved in the apartment and the boxes had clothing in them) and the bedspread was rumpled and dirty.
I proceeded to change the bedspread and linen since he had left to go to the town and will be back in five minutes. He told me that I could take anything from the fridge and that I should make myself at home. After I emended the bed I walked over to the fridge which was stacked with Red Bull, Milo Energy Drink, Hypnotic and a half bottle of tequila and other non-perishable edibles. There were fruits and vegetables in the tray and lobsters, shrimp and chicken back in the freezer. The stove in the kitchen was spotless probably due to lack of usage. The counters were clean and the kitchen floor was spotless a stark contrast to the living and bed room. The bathroom was also clean and sparkly.
He returned with a dazzling smile on his face and said “oh my I see you have made yourself at home”
I laughed beaming with pride “oh it’s nothing” I replied staring into his beautiful hazel eyes. I could lose myself into those cocoa butter pools.
He smiled while removing his pants and asked “are you nervous?”
I was feeling edgy but it is the last thing I wanted to admit “No! Just a little disoriented. I have not dated in a while”
He laughed and came to stand over me at the same time removing his shirt. I felt cowered and just stared at the TV, a safe digression from what was unfolding before my eyes. He took his shirt off and was now only in underwear. I jumped when he placed his hand on my chest and coaxed “are you nervous? Why is your heart beating so fast?” I rolled my eyes and pretended to be coy while removing his hand that was placed flat against my breast “what?” I said smiling “take your hands off my breast!”
He placed his hand firmer on my chest and crowed “why? I love to feel them” staring at me with heated intensity he continued his articulation “am going to take a bath, do you want to wash my back?”
My mouth dropped open in shock at his endearment “no! Sorry I don’t want my hands to get wet”. He walked away and countered “you sure it’s your hands that you are afraid of wetting up”. I laughed and told him to go hell. He laughed and sauntered into the bathroom butt naked. I tried to act furtive towards his nakedness but the truth be told I had gotten an eyeful.
I watched TV while he took his bath. I was tempted to go inside and peek at him for fun sake but my grandmother had always warned me not to pour gasoline on a fire when I am trying to oust it. I restrained my wild side and opt to watch the TV instead. His tummy did not look that big in the nude. He had a mat of hair on his chest and sexy bow-legs. His butt was pert and he had tone arms. He was not endowed in his area of proficiency but he argued that such malady could be compensated by other means…
A spectacle walked across the room and interrupted my chain of thoughts. Wolverine was standing in front of the mirror drying himself with a towel stark naked completely oblivious to or rather nonchalant of my gape. He turned towards me and places his leg up on the bed trapping me between his crotches while his unabashed appendage danced from leg to leg before my very eyes. I felt afraid as there was that sardonic yet victors look on his face as I tried sheepishly and timidly to convince him to remove his masculinity from before me.
He protests, grinning “Why you turning you head away...you shy…, look at me, please?”
“I do not want to look at you” I replied sternly while wrestling my face from his hand that was trying to pry my head from the direction of the television. I protest “please leave me alone”
He laughed and said “I am going to rape you” in a comical tone and walked away towards the living room. I watch him sashayed away whereas my jaw dropped open and I burst into loud guffaws. This man was insane. I kept on chuckling until he modeled back into the room, eyed me seriously and professed “are you going to let me rape you… you’re not afraid that I would do it…or would you prefer if I went on my knees and beg”
I chortled “whenever… if ever we reach that level it will be entirely consensual”
He cocked one brow and said “pretty please…please do me a beg you…pretty pleaaase….”
I rolled with laughter and chided “you are such a charmer”
He laughed and kept on with his charade by getting down on the floor on his precious knees. I walked over to him and to my astonishment; he pulled me down on the floor and began to kiss me savagely. The kiss was bittersweet as my bum hurt from the hard hit it got on the concrete. He started to caress my back and eventual my entire body in long compelling and riveting finger strokes. He took my hand and guided it to his pubis which was hard with desire. I felt as if my hands touch a torch and I tussled from his embrace and sat on the bed while he was looking at me with a ridiculous grin on his face. I felt angry, cheap and insignificant; what the hell was I doing. I had dreamt of this moment but not like this and definitely not on the first night.
He was to take me to a restaurant for us to have dinner and now he is trying to seduce me. I queried “aren’t you going to take me to dinner”. He became all austere and said “I have an errand that I have to run immediately that’s not going to happen tonight” I was pissed and replied coolly “I haven’t eaten all evening”.
He shrugged and supplied “I can take you to KFC”…
I felt demoted but I acquiesced. It’s better than not getting anything to eat. He has definitely lost points with me. I wonder why he no longer wanted to take me out. And it suddenly struck me as I looked at my reflection in the mirror in the KFC line and saw him outside speaking to an attractive female.
I had disappointed him and he decided that I was not good enough to take out.
At that moment I was glad that I did not give into his sexual overtures and after crushing on him for so long I have to agree that he does not deserve me. I am too good for the likes of him.
Women were outrage and downright fearful of the next man they encounter and fall in love with due to the Pepsi Cola /I phone application that suggested lines that men could use to ensnare females into their bedrooms. Women were classified into several stereotypes and supplementary pick up lines were attached with each female category that would ensure smoother transition from causal conversations into a steamy one night stand or relationship.
Women felt threatened by this new application because it is already difficult to develop a relationship with a prospective partner and avoid being exploited and now there is applications that will help the less noble males perpetuate their deceptions and fake relational interests. We are aware of the complexities involved in choosing a partner and forming a relationship with someone that possesses similar interest as one self. Women have searched for aids and enlisted the help of relationship gurus for decades to assist in the dating game as men continue to far outplay women on the relational frontier. This is evident in the number of heartbroken women as opposed to their male counterparts.
I spoke with a corporate lawyer, Mr. Tyrese Ferrari and he stated that “if men believe that they could use an application to get in bed with women; they had a next think coming” Mr. Ferrari went on to say that “ men have always known that there are ways and little lines that women will fall for…but to have an application made to guide us is downright an insult to men and more so women” he contend that “ you may get a woman…but the right type of woman will not fall for recited lines…she will deduce sooner or later that you are a fake ….you cannot trick a profound woman with lines”
On the other hand, Mr. Ferrari said that he did not understand why women were ranting about the application. “If you are smart woman…who knows exactly what you want…then you will not fall for rhymes and gimmicks…it goes to show that when it comes to relationships…we are all stupid!” Additionally he asserted that there is a billion dollar industry that is committed to helping women level with men on the dating field. There are books, websites, not to mention the female bibles (called magazines) and numerous relationship experts with forums and meetings designed to help women score with the man of their dreams. “men have always been slightly aware of the help programmes and literatures designed for women to score with men… but we have not complained or protest…every time people like Doctor John Gray, Bob Grant and Christian Carter publishes a book to help women score with men… men do not remonstrate…we find the idea frivolous…because it does not matter what a woman does, if she is not the one…there is no amount of books with guidelines that will help her to get my ring” I asked another male on the topic and he was very curt about how he felt “ women are always attempting to manipulate men…they reasons for doing everything that they do…and find other reasons for not doing what they are suppose to do!”
The big question is do women fall for certain utterances from men? Can a man influence a woman to sleep with him based on his arrant? Are there hidden words and phraseologies that will guarantee a man sexual acquaintance with a woman? How gullible are women and do we fall for these statements?
It does not matter what we use to formulate our relationships, whether it is magazines or phone applications. Genuine relationships are founded based on love and sincere interest not on manipulative and coy applications based on someone else’s opinion albeit the application was a brilliant idea and a confounded foray for Pepsi Cola into the social media marketing concepts.
The ongoing warfare between Vybz Kartel and Movado is contributing to the rise in the glorification of the gun, prostitution and illegal activities geared at supplementing the “get rich quick” culture that the music espouses. Many cerebrals, journalistic and scholastic pundits are hinting the violence endorsed by the music produced my Movado and Vybz Kartel is inculcating the young men in Jamaica to turn aggressive and lethal mediums to deal with their differences.
Music has an intense and fervent effect on the emotions and value system of the listener. Music have lead to revolutions due to philosophical and profundity of the lyrics spouted by the singer. There are many inspirational quotes that have been coined from the lyrics of music. Music is a form of therapy. It is soothing and generate levels of emotions and hormonal changes in the listener that improves his or hers mood. Music reinforces social identity. Music cements cultural ideologies and gives birth to new cultural indices. Music influences the changes in perception of values and morals of the emerging generation. Music changes precepts in any society. Artistes are the purvey ors of musical ideologies. Artistes have the greatest ingenious weapon to transform, improve and destroy the social fabric of any society.
This is a prime example how music impacts the psychology of young people and changes their world views and aspirations. When I was younger my dream car was a BMW. This dream was shared by most individuals within my age bracket. Fast forward today and one will realize that the dream car for most young Jamaicans is now the multimillion Jamaican dollars, Range Rovers. What brought about the new craze for Range Rover when previously most Jamaicans considered the vehicle an ugly, over priced commodity? Movado and Bounty Killa bought Range Rovers and Jamaican youngsters’ immediately decided that their ultimate mode of transport will have to be a Range Rover.
Movado talks about his Range Rover in his lyrics and has consequently magnified the validity of the vehicle as an artifact of social upliftment and financial optimality. Movado hints that the elites are envious of his success because he has bought a vehicle that many Jamaican aristocrats cannot (or rather will not) purchase. Young men are under the impression based on the expository of Movado’s lyrics that one needs to drive an expensive car, have flashy flamboyant spendthrift and promiscuous lifestyle to be worthy of recognition and importance.
Additionally the music reinforces notions of classism, contempt for the elites and politicians and cements the importance and right of the ghetto youth to ascendancy and grandiosity. Current dancehall music heckles the politicians for their exploitation of an illiterate and vulnerable Jamaican populace. The dancehall music portrays the dreams of the ghetto youth. Dreams of success, financial freedom and economical independence, ability to provide for family and social liberation are evince by the lyrics of artiste such as Chase Cross, Movado and Vybz Kartel. The ghetto youth aspiration is to amass sufficient wealth in order to improve his navigations and positions of the socio-economical frontier.
Sociologist and health care experts are citing that the misogynistic tunes and lyrics of the dance hall are contributing to the rise in promiscuity, unwanted pregnancies including teenage pregnancies and the transmission of venereal diseases such as HIV/AIDS. Dancehall Music encourages women to have sex indiscriminately, without hesitation and with whoever is available. The music disintegrates the concepts of femininity by implying or blatantly contending that women are mere objects of sexual gratification and orifices for male genitals. The lyrics of songs spouted by Vybz Kartel reduce the importance of women to mere sex objects citing that they should fulfill the sexual expectations of men and have children. Dancehall rarely validates and promotes the need for education of our women and for females to be liberated from archaic notions of femininity. Dancehall music pays little respect to women. This evident even among women who are dancehall artiste such as spouting lyrics that evince feminine beauty, desirability and significance are calculated based on how gymnastic they are in bed or how much of a socialite and fashionista she is.
The indices of Dancehall music have always been epiphenomenal of the Jamaican society. The artistes that are the conveyors of dancehall music are from the ghetto: young men who have not had a grandeur life and who are rebelling against system that represents the impecunious, derelict and depressive environment. The music is essentially gives the unfortunate a voice in society. The music grants them an avenue to vent their frustrations, intentions and aspirations. The music serves as a message. A message sent in a form that affords the sender some iota of freedom to vent his distress and disgust.
We know that there are various conducts, deeds, gestures and even utterances that are surefire ways to end a relationship and prevent the establishment of one. Jamaican men like most men also have their version of gestures, actions and verbalism that are completely off limits if you want to have a relationship with them.
Here are ten ways to turn a Jamaican Man off!
1. Call his phone incessantly
Men are not like women in that they do not have the centripetal level of emotions that we require. Whenever we meet a man we want to always talk to him because we interpret communication as a means of measuring the level of interaction and friendship that a man wants. However men may interpret frequent calling as a sign of insecurity and neediness. Eligible bachelors do not find women that are unsure of themselves attractive. Numerous calls may also indicate that you have a lot of time to waste and there are certain men that will not find that fact intriguing. Additionally, men like to chase women. Allow him to make the calls and chase you. You do not want to give him the idea that you are easy, ‘fryten fee him” or insane. Calling a guy often especially when intimacy has not been established may imply psychological disorders such as chronic obsession. A man will not feel comfortable knowing that you need to know his whereabouts every minute of the day.
2. Disrespect him while in public
Jamaican men and men overall are very keen on social perception by their male counterparts. A man will not take it lightly if you raise your voice at him in public as you would a child or pick a fight with him in front of his friends especially due to frivolity. A man may be forced to slap you to salvage his masculine ego and we do not want it to reach that far. Men are anthropologically, theologically and sociological the authority in the household. This means that he should be respected by his spouse. A woman dictating, quarrelling and reprimanding him in public sternly discord with those societal notions. That is a surefire way to insult a man, crush his ego and damage or reduce his love and appreciation of you.
3. Ask him to buy a phone card the first time you meet him
I do not know what it is with Jamaican men and phone calling cards but recently if you ask a Jamaican man to buy you a phone card, it will be equivalent to saying that you are a gold digger. Men associate phone card with phone calls. If a man buys you a phone card and do not get a call from you, then he assumes that you are just after the calling card and have no real interest in him.
4. Kiss and Tell
Jamaican men despise a woman that has sex with him and then tells her friends. This is further exacerbated if the man is sexually unsatisfactory or he has insecurities regarding his size. No doubt other men will engage you to hear about his ineptitude but they will also be wary of you for being a chatter box!
5. Disrespect his Mother
It is repulsive to disrespect his mother and family in any essence. The backlash and the damage to your relationship could be irreversible. His mother will always resent you for your obscene tongue and you will always been seen in the family as the girl who disrespected the matriarch. If he is a serious man then the minute that you make such foul utterances, you will be out the door.
6. When a woman is ‘too stush or too masculine’
A Jamaican man does not like a woman who behaves like a man. If he is an effeminate man then he will not be affected by a ‘mannish woman’. But most Jamaican men do not want a woman that behaves like a man. That is a surefire way to turn off a Jamaican man. Tom boys are absolutely off limit and on the other end of the spectrum so is the uppity, pompous and conceited. A woman who is arrogance will be perceived as desired conquest than as a potential partner.
7. A woman without ambition
A Jamaican man will be turned off by a woman does not possess any form of desire for success or purpose for the future. Jamaican men are not fond of a lady without a purpose. Additionally most men are seeking a partner to share the financial burdens of today’s modern family. Due to the devaluation of the Jamaican dollar and high cost of living due to inflation most males are seeking a woman that can bring ‘something to the table. Therefore both partners can share the cost and there will be more money in the household.
If you want a Jamaican man to dump you in a second, tell him that you cheated on him or that you have cheated on your last boyfriends. He will gladly assume that you are a cheater and that it is your relational trademark. Lack of trust in any relationship decreases its durability by fifty percent. A man will not trust a woman who is communally known as a serial cheater.
9. Give him a Jacket
Jacket is the Jamaican vernacular for a child who has a father that is not his biological father in the most cases, neither the child nor the father knows that they are not biologically related. The mother is the person who knows of this phenomenon. When a Jamaican man discovers that the woman that he lives with has given him another man’s child to father, it can greatly destroy the relationship. The man may decide to no longer support the child and may leave the relationship if the community is privy to the ‘Jacket Scenario’. A Jamaican man will think that you are taking him for an idiot by giving him a child that does not belong to him.
10. Search his phone
A Jamaican man’s phone is like his diary. If you want to have a huge argument with your spouse, take his phone and gloss through his messages. Call back every female number that you see in his phone and ‘trace them off’. You will certainly turn him off by doing that. He will be very angry with you and if you try that stupid stunt several times, you may well kiss your mate good bye!
Jamaican men do not tolerate invasions of their privacy. Men do not like women who search their gadgets or even private quarters. It communicates to him that you are insecure and possible emotionally unstable. A man will not want a relationship with a woman who does not understand or respects his personal space. He will not want a relationship with a woman who will be upset with his friends or mistrust his judgment.
For more insight on Jamaican Men click the following links