“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
when the narcissist has hurt you
So that guy who left you may just be exactly what you need to encourage an upgrade. Get a new boyfriend. A better man who will treat you exactly as you deserve. Someone more educated. Someone who understands the finer details of who you are. Who understands your fears, ambitions desire and who is willing to support you and see you through? I have learnt that in this life I will have to sleep with a few Draculas, kiss a few frogs and tackle jealous stepmothers before I kiss my prince. Additionally, sometimes the one that we are looking for may not be a prince but may well be an ogre like Shrek. But do not let the love stumble, fall or leg break stymie your goals, dreams and desires. Do not allow yourself to be hurt more than what is neccessary. Do not over punish yourself. Let this be your moment of acceptance. You may never get over it but you can learn to live with it.
When I fell in love with a narcissist and he did not love me back I could have easily assumed that this was the end of my life. I was hurt; I do remember what he did to me from time to time. I understand that I may never get over the pain and humiliations that I was subjected to but I have learned to live with it and that is what is important. I accept that I am responsible for my well being and that I cannot prevent people from hurting me and even men from exploiting me as long as I allow them to do it. Even though my heart smashed into a billion pieces, I have learnt to love again and his diabolical deeds did not transform me into a misandric. I have forgiven him but I have not forgotten. I do not hold a grudge against him nor do I wish him any ill will.
You may be hurting, god forbid you may feel as if you just wasted the last nine months of your life pandering to his every need, offering your bodily pleasures to him willingly and putting some of your selfish needs aside to please him and then he gets up and leaves you without warning and sometimes with every presage. You feel completely ripped apart to the point that you cannot completely understand how a human being could have been that nefarious, unfeeling and downright exploitative towards your feelings. I prolonged my suffering by punishing myself more that what was warranted. I scolded my sister for telling me to join that web dating service. I admonished my mother for encouraging me to give him a chance even when better judgment kept telling me that there was sometime mentally and emotionally wrong with this man. I distance myself from my family. I made my relatives and friends feel guilty because i was in so much pain and they felt helpless. They wanted to help but every statement they made only made the low feeling in my tummy sink lower.
I dugged myself into a hole and I hated my job. I could not wait to get home from my job and i wanted to be alone. I spent nights gazing into space, regurgitating my love life to anyone who was available and crying until I was numb or had fallen asleep. I was in a ditch. I was depressed. I stopped loving the things I loved doing such as reading and reading some more. My mind was preoccupied with a million quizzes on what did I do to encourage the wrath of my narcissistic ex.
The worst part of my relational fall was that I felt stupid. I am like most people who pride themselves on being sapient above average and felt a wave of reality slammed at me when someone that I perceived to be far less wise than I am outwits me. I felt that my acuity should have alerted me to the fact that I was dating faux.
Truth be told, we cannot help who we fall in love with. We are surprised at times, the man we are willing to give our hearts to. Just like a serial killer who is a loving father and caring husband. We often cannot choose who we love. But I can choose how to protect my well being. I was not to be blamed I fell for a role. I feel in love with an act. He was not real and he would never be. I needed to be true to myself.
its hard being true to oneself and letting go of the narcissist when one begins to think there is no alternative to him.
but there is go on out and live life
for more on why women stay with narcissist and abusive men
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