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Crystal Evans Books

“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie



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Monday, November 28, 2011

Why Jamaican Men dont Date Anymore

The average Jamaican begins a relationship often by meeting an individual on the street and they make arrangements for an assignation at later date often at the males house at his whim. I often tell my girlfriends "dont you people date anymore". For most Jamaican man, the idea of a date is standing on the street, underneath a piazza or on the street corner trying to convince a female to sleep with them.

Most women are mesmerised when they meet a man who wants to take her to dinner and spend some time getting to know her first before hitting the sacks! This is evident by the time span that most women take to get pregnant after they begin seeing a man.

Relationships jump from one to five, skipping phases two,three and four. Men claim that they are "gangstas and that they dont have time to date women since that will take up too much time and a lot of their meagre salaries. They prefer a straight kill and Knowing that they will barter their money for sex. They do not have any time to wine and dine a woman.

Who should be blamed for this? Is it the women whose feminine values have dwindled to nothing, who readily accomodate the mediocre relational output that men bequeath simply because they are desperate and need the money to fulfill economical needs?

An Upper middleclass friend of mine once said that women were either tricks or strumpets. Is this a universal view of women why men think that it is futile and

Ten THINGS Jamaican Men wish women knew

I sat on the veranda during the recent torrential downpour listening to my spouse and his friends discussing women and why they thought that Jamaican women do not understand "themselves". I ask them what were some of the issues they wished women understood that would make their relationships more cohesive and fulfilling.Here are their perspectives....

1. They love their male friends and their companionship. It is important to them to spend time with their male friends. They bond more with their brethren since they understand them more and can empathize with their situations and experiences than their spouse can. They also feel more comfortable sharing certain information with their male friends.

2. If you are the wife, you should not be concerned with the assorted women he sleeps with on the side since, you are the one that he comes home to every night. Women should turn a blind eye to their liaisons and infidelities. You should not question his loyalty to you if you are living with him and your needs are being met.

3. Do not answer his phone or search his phone. Men hate when women invade their private space and they do not want to answer for their indiscretion. They do not want to put the woman in a position for her to witness messages in his phone that may hurt her. You lose your right to question him about anything dis satisfactory you found in his phone since you are by law not suppose to search phone. "anything you get, you must take, you went looking for something and you got what you were searching for"

4.Men want to have fun!Do not think that when your Jamaican man starts having sex with you, its a license for you to go ahead and get pregnant and tie him down. Your Jamaican man wants to enjoy you and he wants to have fun with youbefore you decide to get big and bloated. The onus is on you to protect yourself and maintain the "Fun" in the relationship. Why would you want to complicate a situation with a man you met a month ago by getting pregnant and then by your second trimester, you realise you weren't getting what you wanted from the relationship.

5. Babies cant hold man. Do not think that you can trap a Jamaican man into a long term relationship by getting pregnant. You will end up with the wrong end of the stick. Most men (in reality) will withdraw their affection than indulge a woman when he discovers that she is pregnant after he has hinted that he doesn't want a child or the relationship is still in its embrionic stage. Additionally men do not think that having babies is a synonymous with ambition and progress. An ambitious, progressive woman is less inclined to get pregnant in Jamaica's brittle adverse financial climate.

6. Good Sex will keep any man around but it a wholesome woman that will get a man to marry her. Men are no longer "looking inna face" when it comes to relationships. They want a partner that can bring some money to the table. One hand cannot clap! They don't need a parasitic partner but a symbiosis in their relationship. They want a partner who is leading her separate independent financial life and is not entirely dependent on him for subsistence.

7. Men don't want women who act like men. According to these young men, they want a woman who is female in the traditional sense of the word. She doesn't question his whereabouts when he doesn't come home! She does not call his phone and demand to know where he is! She does not see him with other women and make a scene instead she turns a blind eye! He doesn't want a drama queen or a woman that is assertive and opinionated. He prefers docility and invisibility! A Woman who "keeps in" and takes care of his home while he traipsing across the island, having the time of his life.

8. Do not insult him in front of his friends or in public. You can even pretend to support his stance in front of his friends but do not damage his social image or reduce his peers respect for him by constantly asserting your opinions and emasculating him. This is the reason why he may be forced to insult and humiliate you so that he can retrieve his masculinity and peer validation. It is best to acquiesce and make him look good in front of friends.

9. Do not treat your man like a child even if he is being juvenile. Do not see him with his friends and beckon him to come to your in a maternal voice like his mother. Men do not like to be made to feel like boys in public. They like to appear as if they are in control of their relationship, even if they are not. Stroke his ego and tell him how much of a big man he is and you will have a relationship devoid of conflict and quarrels.

10. He prefers to go to the club with his friends than with you. It is not as fun when you are there because they have to be censoring their arguments and frolicking since they do not want to compromise your relationship. Clubbing is their time to unwind and have fun. It does not mean (according to them) it is an opportunity to cheat or find a prospective cheating partner. They are not hunting in packs but simply unwinding with friends while gawking ogling and wining women who are not their partners. They claim that they are just partying and that it doesn't mean anything and women should not be tight strung about men going clubbing with their male friends.

What do you think? Is There anything you would like to add or subs-tract?

The pregnancy scam

I spent the last three years observing, documenting and commenting on the dynamics of relationships among lower socio-economical classes in Jamaica. A constant, popular element of these relationships is pregnancy and how women use procreation to control, manipulate and disintegrate a relationship.

I watched a young man pursue a relationship that i had advised him not to pursue based on the disqualities of the object of his attraction.

Like most dickheads, my counsel went through one ear and came through the other. The more people advised him, the further he catapults himself into the relationship.

I remembered saying to my spouse that i know exactly what is going to happen in that relationship and that our naive, testostorone driven relative would end up with the fiery end of the stick. I said to him that the woman will very soon claim that she is pregnant, and then she will insist on getting money to abort the pregnancy from him. Two she might tell him that she is pregnant to see how he would react to the idea of it when she is in fact not pregnant. She will then get pregnant after the fact to absolve her deception, Baby is born a month or so overdue! Third, she will get pregnant simply to control and manipulate him.

Why do women use the pregnancy scam?

I for one think it is inapplicable and does not yield the results that most women want since there are many young women out there with children whose fathers refuse to take care of the child.

Some women use the pregnancy lie or scam when the relationship is plateauing. When you reach that stage in the relationship where things are going absolutely perfect and your insecurities begin to arise because your fear (and know) that things can only get worst from here. In order to inject some semblance of security back into your relationship, you lie about being pregnant with the intention to get pregnant or you ensure that you are pregnant this time around. Many women can attest (apparent by the many single parent families) that the pregnancy scam or trick does not work in solidifying a relationship.

But this Pregnancy scam does work on some men depending on his education and social status. A naive, besotted man would go along with your ploy. If he uses a condom frequently then he cease using it because if you are already pregnant then you can’t pregnant again not knowing that he is actually going to get you pregnant since currently you arent! The woman gets the security she needs from the relationship and a lifetime guarantee that she will always have a connection with this poor man and take away some of his salary for her child.

If the man insists on an abortion then he would have to find approximately ten thousand Jamaican dollars to give her to do it. Most men would take their time and back out of the relationship, completely leaving her on her own with her child.

Some women use the abortion technique to scam money out of men. It is one of the easiest ways to get a ten grand from a man by telling a man you know does not want a child that you are pregnant and want to throw it away (abort). The man will find the money in earnest to get rid of the problem and you in the same stride.

Men with money, middle and upper class men do not fall easy to this scam. If a woman tells them that she is pregnant, they do a mental computation. They need to know how far along the pregnancy is? When did you last see your period? Are you sure? I thought you were on the pill, when did you get off? What are you planning to do about it? Upper class men know that women especially poor and desperate females will do anything to latch on to a meal ticket and many women are still under the misconception that a baby with a wealthier man of higher status is the key to upward mobility. It does work but eighty percent of the time, the woman finds herself barefoot and pregnant while the man moves on to another young woman!

These are the questions that smart men with a lot to lose ask themselves when a girl they have recently began dating comes along and claims she is pregnant. Most men of this caliber understand that poverty and needs make women deceiving and calculative and are wary of their female counterparts. In this event, the upper class male will take the female to the doctor to confirm pregnancy, more likely than not, insist that she does an abortion. If she insists that she wants to carry the child then she will most likely be on her own or the man will take care of the financial needs of the child but refuse to be involved with her because he thinks that she is trying to trap him. He resents her for getting herself pregnant albeit most men do not think that if they don’t want a baby they should simply use a condom.

What does a woman gain from the pregnancy con/scam?

If the relationship progresses as she wishes then she gets the security that she needs with the man she is involved with. If the man dumps her then she gets money from him by pretending she is pregnant to get conciliation money to buffer her hurt at being disposed off. If the man does not want anything to do with her, thinks she is tricking him or disbeliefs her then she is left with a father less child, a brand as a liar and manipulator and a narrow escape from a poisonous relationship!

is Vybz Kartel a criminal or murderer?

Vybz Kartel Incarcerated and the questions on everybody lips is-is Vybz Kartel a criminal or murderer?

The consensus beneath the Mango Tree among "the world boss's" fans was that Vybz Kartel was never a badman DJ. One young man likened him to Beenie Man, he is just a Girl's DJ but the emotive and sexual content of his music does not preclude him from carrying out the heinous crimes that the Jamaica Justice system alleged he committed.

I was listening to Kartel's "Real "badman" song and albeit there are several people who i would personally use that song on , the inflection of his voice and lyrical content of the song emoted more amusement that firing my imagination with images of myself horrendous annihilating my enemies and naysayers. Making a few garrulous and mischievous denizens of my community "live up a the station". Vybz kartel's music is simply a reflection of his experiences, stories from the inner city, philosophy and Providences.

Dance hall Music is a medium of expression for many Artiste. It is an art form but art can be played out in real life or is Vybz Kartel's Art a reflection or play out of his life. Women have often contended that the intense sexual content of Kartel's Music and the sexual culture that he exposes in is videos makes one ponder if he is really capable of his utterances or is he simply an ingenious lyricist.

What about street credibility? Many DJs and rappers need the admiration and approval of gangsters in the streets for protection or social validations. It is slated that you cannot proclaim to be a Badman and you have never engaged in "badness" quote and unquote. Vybz Kartel may gain street credibility as a gangster among his inner city fanatics but how will this new label affect his profession.

Many claim that Dance hall music as an economical tool and industry has suffered since Kartel's incarceration and the dismantling of the Gaza Empire. There are few if any hit songs out now and the last time i went clubbing, the entire lat three hours of the party was Gaza after Gaza tune with a few movado's sprinkled here and there. People are waiting with bated breath for the World Boss to bust the case and write riveting, graphic lyrics about his time in prison and the allegations against him. Some people muse that Vybz Kartel will be sunk and Popcaan is the new big thing. It is a common rhetoric among the youth that Kartel could not manage what he had become. He is ingenious but lacks the corporate skills and profundity to take his genuity and opportunities to the next level.

He projects to be of an unplumbed mind yet allegedly beats his disciples and employees if they disobey or defy his authority and the maxims of the Gaza Empire. A doctor friend of mine claims that Kartels proclamation of Intellect is as much a social tool as the many Jamaicans who use college as a form as brand name like wearing Clark's because it makes them more socially gratifying and improves their social status in the shallow superficial minds of the not so intellectually brilliant majority. Few if any certified and qualified Jamaicans have any depth or profundity to their conversation that is un par with philosophy!

Vybz Kartel is clever and other that Bob Marley, he is the only Jamaican artiste who has fully embraced music as an industry. His street Vybz rum, shoe line and clothing line created raves and waves among the youth generation and culture. But is he capable of murder? We will examine this in part two!!!

Jamaican Men homophobic yet spend a lot of time bonding with men

This is a conversation that i have had aplenty with my spouse and male friends about the unlimited amount of time they feel inclined to spend with male friends instead of with their partners. I am not saying that they should commit themselves exclusively to their wives but many men will spend the entire day at work with friends then spend another four hours after work with male brethren at the bar and their entire weekend with other men. My spouse replied that sometimes they are not at bars with men but with other women( often promiscuous, loose, tartly women) that is they are basically hunting in packs.

When my spouse comes home sometimes after 12 midnight or one am, he claims he walked out the road to be with his boys and when i would tag along oftentimes, i am the sole female among a bag of men often gossiping about people's business, potential and achieved sexual conquest. I am no longer invited to these extended male bonding sessions since i consistently rain on their parade and trounced their frivolous, prurient, superficial conversations.

I have had countless discussion with men and women about the fact that even though Jamaican men are homophobic, they spend an awful amount of time bonding with men. It appears that the only thing they don't do with men is have sex with them but they would rather spend their entire day with male friends and come home when they want to have sex, eat thier dinner, sleep or take a shower. If his male friends cook food then rest assure that you are not going to see your man anytime soon.

If they have a friend who spends a lot of time with his woman than with them (male friends) they begin to "bun" out the woman and bring strife to disintegrate the relationship. Some men begin to call their male friends who spend time with their women defamatory terms such as implying that they are with their women all the time because he is watching her. He will be ashamed of such a pronouncement and other this particular male to spend more time with them. They will often taunt a man who is on lockdown. Women are basically only good for sex, show and procreation. While male opinion and company is valued and dogmas are only considered correct if it is seen from a man and his male friend├Ęs perspectives.

They are content spending time with other men, interacting, sharing thoughts and experiences yet they think it is unmanly and taboo to do the same with their female spouses. Very few men have genuine female friends who they are not intimately involved with. It appears that a relationship with any woman that is acoitus is seen as foolish and unreasonable. How can you be just a friend with a woman without "looking" her under the cover or pretending to get in her pantie. women are made for intercourse and nothing more, how can you befriend a woman simply for her personality and reasoning ability. How Chauvinistic!

Men do need their "Guy" time but once you are in a relationship, you can no longer live like a bachelor. Most Jamaican men don't mind living like they are college boys in their twenties living the sweet bachelor life while their wives pine away at home for their love and companionship. In many cases the woman grows to resent the man and end up cheating on him. I know of situations where women are pregnant and near labour due dates and their partners are out clubbing with his friends. I know men who their women have to fight them to get them to ge them to spend an evening with her and it is often boring or the atmosphere tinged with simmering anger since he would rather be at the bar or out chatting with his bachelor wanna-be-friends. The female often resents letting him stay since nothing changes.

Even though some men may claim that they are too busy to spend time with their wives. They always seem to find time to bond with male friends and sleep around with other women. Some women seldom see their partners in daylight and others can count on their hands, the last time they sat and "reasoned"with their man. Most men will come home, eat his dinner, take a bath and go back on the road only to return when he is sleepy which is often around 1 or 2 am the next morning. And that is what most men call spending time together. When a man says he is going to chill with you, watch and see how quickly he falls asleep or make an excuse to go back on the road.