“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Saturday, February 13, 2010
People are far more stressed in the modern society than they were during the colonial era, industrial revolution and twenty years ago. Today’s world and its doldrums have caused widespread disillusion for those that cannot satisfy or conform to its ideal of success. People are constantly being beaten down by life, preyed up on by rogues and unscrupulous individuals.
Corporate society preys on the individual’s weakness and need for validation and social approval. They tell us that if we purchase this product then we will be sexy, confident, loving, attractive, and desirable. Amoral and unethical corporations subscribe to our vulnerabilities and need for financial success and economical independence by providing us with easier, nonexistent answers, offers, opportunities and avenues for advancement. In the end it is a scam and the only persons who have achieved any economical gains from it are the profiteers. The hard working investors are left with nothing but disenchantment, drained bank accounts and depleted resources.
We continue to be tricked by a deluge of home business scams, dating scams, fraudulent investment schemes, nonexistent lottery scams and fallacious sweepstakes. The connoisseur of these illegal business activities preys on our desires and vulnerabilities. They know we want to get rich quickly with little or no effort. They sell us what they know we want, which is quick wealth with small effort or industrious investment. If that is our aspiration then we will continue to be duped and our credit card debts will be high.
Everyone on this planet wants to be successful in whatever variant or realm their society and culture deems as a measure of ultimate success. In primeval society, success was measured by the amount of animals or vast agrarian land that the individual possessed. In today’s world success is measured by our jobs, academical achievements, financial status and our overall contributions and conformity to the advancement of the human race within our relevant societies.
But the criterion for being called a success has changed over the years. There was a time in Jamaica when a man’s success was calculated based on the amount of lands he possessed and cattle. Once up on a time, a Jamaican’s idea of the ultimate Jamaican dream was to possess a car and a house with a nice piece of land for his progeny to inherit.
Today the decisive factor for success is the same but for more compounded. A man wants to have several lands disperse over the island, several cars and several Swiss bank accounts. It is this standard of living that is fomenting the criminal activities and scams that many Jamaican young people are getting involved in. The situation is further magnified by this new wave of obsession with youth, where everyone wants to be successful before they are old. Young people in Jamaica want to have several expensive vehicles, penthouses and millions in the bank before they are twenty five years old.
The need for wealth and high regard is also being propounded by parents who are constantly using the success of other peers of their children to measure the material ascendancy of their own. For instance, I have class mates that I went to school with, who are below the age of twenty two years old and have accomplished several cars and immense wealth. I know nineteen year old who are becoming millionaires over night. When my parents see their success compared to the rate that I am climbing the ladder of success, they assume that I am slacking off and not doing sufficient work to reach the top. . My parents do not know the full details of the success of my few compatriots and the means by which they attained their overnight wealth. They do not care about that because we live in a society where money is the order of the day, by whatever means possible. People will know that you achieve your wealth by illegal means and instead of being subjected to pillory and social dissidence; you are lauded and easily recruit camaraderie who want to get in on the game.
My ex boss once said that Jamaican parents are responsible for the continuation and expansion of the drug trade and the various scams the youths are involved in. In his analysis, when a child tells his parents that he wants to become a farmer. They censure and denigrate him for choosing a career field that within a black Jamaican mindset will not bring about wealth and improvement of social status. They inculcate their children to believe that success is measured by the attainment of money. They socialized children to believe that certain professions bring along with it great opulence while other are relegated for those without ambition.
Few Jamaicans aspire to hard work and dedication. Many youths simply want a “Buss” in the drugs trade or the music business and then they will be able to buy Range Rovers and drink five hundred US dollar champagnes. This life view is hyped by want is propounded in the media. Many youths from the inner-city want to live the life that they see on the American and Jamaican music stations.
Many people in Jamaica know that many individuals at the top got their wealth through mingling in dirty business but do not have the gumption to speak about it publicly. Poor people are continually being exploited by the politicians and the upper class because they know that we want what they have.
When Carlos Hill came to Jamaica with his infamous Cash Plus investment opportunity where Jamaicans were told that they could invest a mere 60,000 dollars Jamaican and will get rewards up to two million dollars: Jamaicans took out a mortgage on their home, loan on their car and drew money from their bank account to invest in Cash Plus venture that appeared to be god sent avenue for success for poor people. Invest a dollar and you will be rewarded with four dollars. It was the investment opportunity of a lifetime.
I remember when I heard my brothers talking about it and I told them that it is impossible to get that kind of returns in such a short span of time. They laughed at me but in the end I was the one laughing when Cash Plus turned out to be another Pyramid Scheme. A scheme that crumbled and Jamaicans learnt for the first time that “not all that glitters is gold”. As my grandmother would say “some gold jewelry a simply wash over, you wash it one time and it change color”
The credit card is another factor in young Jamaicans life as many young people are applying for several credit cards because they want to live beyond their means. They want everything that constitutes the western dream. When the bills arrive, they are unable to pay the bills because they do not have that kind of money nor do their jobs pay sufficient money to cover their debts. A debt brought on by the allure of lavish lifestyle.
We are responsible for getting conned by these fraudulent schemes and investors. We allow ourselves to be baited by consumerism and materialism. We want a better life and nothing is wrong with wanting the best. But sometimes some things are just too good to be true.
My grandmother says that everyone cannot be at the top. Some people will always have some more than others. what is of utmost concern is that those at the bottom may not be living the lavish life like those at the top but yet they are having a wholesome life devoid of hunger and gloom. We want to be considered “somebody”. To be considered somebody in today’s world, means that you have to possess or have a semblance of great materialism to show before you are given the sparkly label.
Before I opted to write about this issue I thought instead of giving a journalistic, scholastic standpoint to the issue. I would attack it from the heart of this phenomenon. I have decided to show the acts of deceit and fraud from the viewpoint of the perpetrator.
I will show the motivation behind the lottery scam involving Jamaicans and United States citizen which has increase the national revenue obtained from remittances but has fomented a rise in violence and murders within the city of Montego Bay and given birth to a new, young vain elites, whose mantra is “get rich or die trying”.
Some people look at the young people in Jamaica that are perpetrating these acts of debauchery, criminality and fraudulence as indolent, depraved youths, lacking ambition, morality and sense of accountability. But few people have ever seen the gully sides of Jamaica. Few individuals know that sixty percent of Jamaican males live on less than sixty dollars a day that is less than a United States dollar. A great number of Jamaican males are illiterate, unskilled and unemployed.
Few persons could survive the living conditions that many Jamaicans survive within daily. The rich have always wondered how the poor live the way they do and continued to survive and generate some sense of happiness, fulfillment and satisfaction. It is because they have learned to be content with their plight. They have to accept their quandary before it destroys them.
Apparently the current youth generation does not have that level of patience, tolerance or acceptance. Youngsters will not accept that they should be poor because their parents are not wealthy. They have become disillusioned with the decrepit state of the economy, the exploitation, corruption and governmental maladministration of politicians and the abuse and incompetence of the police force. The young men have decided that they need to find a viable alternative that will give them the desirable lifestyle that they see on television and hear about. The youths concocted the international lottery and sweepstakes scam.
A scam that would lead to a rise of youthful millionaires living like the biblical prodigal with hefty bank accounts and mansions: a new cadre of elites with a ghetto swagger and the arrogance and net worth of fortune five hundred CEOs. Youths as young as sixteen years old are becoming millionaires overnight, driving Chryslers, Range Rovers and Jaguars. Young adults from the inner-city are becoming the new elites. They have earned the right to be called the best in society. A society that they know very well honors and grade individuals based on their socio-economic status. They know that being poor is far more socially repulsive than being a criminal or a drug lord.
In fact the illegal characters in the society are lauded more than the law abiding citizens. Poverty in itself is a crime and the youths from the ghettos know that. A criminal is granted more respect than a poor man. A poor man is disrespected, stared up on with social derision and contempt by those who are often only a few notches above them on the social ladder.
The lottery scam and sweepstakes scheme provided a venue for social upliftment at the expense of innocent Americans. According to some fraudsters, what they have taken from the Americans is peanuts compared to the great way in which their lives have been improved. In the fraudsters mind, scams are necessarily evils. According to one scammer “it is the greedy individuals who are jeopardizing the business by bilking people…we do not bilk we just take a little for sustenance and we move on”. According to this scammer, people cannot be satisfied with the little that they procure. He says that this is the stimulus behind the crime and violence stemming from the lottery scam. “Some individuals need to be taught that they cannot try to outwit the system and steal from us” Now that is what I call a twisted, warped sense of justice and morals.
Poverty is made to be situation that youngsters should be ashamed of. When you tell a man that you are poor, he assumes based on the notions of our capitalistic society that your destitution is due to your lassitude, lack of ambition and vision. Few bystanders consider that the plight of the have not is far more sociologically and economically strategic than what meets the eye.
On the other hand, there are individuals who possess aptitudes, resources and opportunities for advancement and have chosen to allow torpor and negative factors to stymie their progress. Even so the poor and their progeny will live in poverty because they cannot afford to send their children to school because education is very expensive and above the financing of many Jamaican parents. They cannot afford to buy medicines to aid their family members because medication is unaffordable.
This is what the young scammers see before they choose a life of crime and decadence. It is very debilitating and pitiful to know that your mother will die because you cannot afford to send her to the doctor or that you are looked down on as inferior because your parents cannot afford to send you to college. Imagine being disrespected and despised by others because you were born in a particular community or your parents are impecunious. Scammers simply want to beat the system to a better life for their family and friends with minimal effort.
They do not want to take the legitimate road because it is long and hard. They want an easy way out. Some have become very disenchanted by the Jamaican economical system and society and resign that they will never be able to make it to the top by means of the straight road. The church offers little or no solace for the economical times. The people have lost interest in god and religion because praying does not alleviate their quandary. In fact the pastors are more concerned with building their congregation than with the traditional duties of the churches within the Jamaican communities. My dad once said that I should stop going to church because for a brilliant scholar, my church have never offered me any form of assistance. In fact at the end of a sermon, I often feel worst than I did when I came in due to the religious interrogation my conscience was subjected to and feelings of disillusion due to being made to feel substandard on my quest for eternal life in God’s celestial home by my pastor.
Jamaicans have come to realized that politicians are far more interested in power and wealth accumulation though increase taxations and exploitation of the labour force than they are in the welfare of the public. The elite distance themselves from the poor and pretend as if the suffering of the lower classes is happening on another planet and not on the outskirts of their salubrious communities. A morose ambience clouds the Jamaican demography.
This issue was not meant to excuse the behavior of scammers nor do I advocate fraud and financial crimes. I do no moralize or support acts of deceit, fraud and extortion. The issue was geared at exposing the socio-economical and psychological factors behind perpetrators of scams.
The pride and assurance bordering on arrogance when you hear a woman utter “I am an independent woman” is music to the ears of some men but others squirm or cringe in her presence. Independent women can be anyone from the store clerk to the fortune five hundred executive. For most, an independent woman is as Neyo puts it in his song “She has her own. She doesn’t need mine, there is nothing that is more sexy, than a woman that wants but does not need me”. Independent women are basically women who have their own and paved their lives exclusive of the influence of a male or others. According to Neyo “she don’t look at me like captain save them…she looks at me (her man) like inspiration… she wanna be complimenting my swag”. Even though I love Neyo, I believe that an independent woman is far more profound than the economical concept of being financially equal to the men in her life.
What is an independent woman?
I would define an independent woman as a female who does not conform exclusively to the archaic notions of femininity. This means that an independent woman’s social role is not confined to the domestic sphere but extends outside of being a wife and a child bearer. This woman lives by her own rules and is financially secure and economically independent. She asserts that her brain and morale are sufficient to grant social and financially ascendancy without resorting to the utilization of sensuous or primal tactics. She does not pander to the desires of men and see her male counterpart as an equal and not superior or a rival. There is not a need for her gratify, worship or compete with her partner.
Independent women have high levels of emotional intelligence which will designate that even though she does not subscribe to the former notions of femininity, she understands the sensibilities of men and will from time to time remove her armor of gladiator to pander to his masculine ego.
Many men complain that so-called independent women are very confrontational and less ideal for a partner if you need a deep fulfilling wholesome relationship devoid of competition and constant negation of gender identity.
Could this be the reason why many independent women are single?
Why are alpha females spinsters?
A male friend of mine said to me the other day that the concept of women being independent is overrated since in his estimation many independent women are lonely, depressed and grown into bitter old women living at home with pets and making everyone’s lives miserable. He claimed that our armor of independence is mainly a shield to hide our vulnerabilities and the subtle, natural control that men have over us. It is easy for the independent woman to throw her armor off, if she meets the right man. Some independent women fall in love and have fulfilling lives and realize that it is normally to have sexual desires and want to be with a man.
It is simply mortal and feminine to want to share your life with someone. Many women think that being an independent woman means that you cease be a woman entirely. It simply means (in my estimation) that I have a strong sense of self. I do not think I am an extension of my partner. It means that I have my own ideals and philosophy. It means that I refuse to treat less because I have a vagina and not a phallus. I will not be insulted or offended because of my gender. I can do anything that a man can do. I do not rely on men for survival and use my body as a means of achieving any social or economical mobility.
But then there are variations to the term independent woman. Not everyone will share my viewpoint. A prostitute might consider herself and independent woman because she does not rely on men directly but have sexual intercourse to meet her economical needs. At the end of the day, she is not obligated to any male and may well maintain her single status.
Independence for women is reliant on the perception of what an autonomous female is within the society. Women should not use the independent woman mantra as a guide for feminism. A woman’s independence is one strain of feminism. Additionally, feminism is different from misandry.
Religion shapes the ideals and values of our society. If your religious and cultural indices advocate human sacrifices like the indigenous Americans, then you will not be hesitant to kill a man and offer him as a sacrifice.
I was listening to Mutabaruka’s Television Show called Simply Muta when he said that religion was created by insecure men to oppress women. According to the cultural intellect and black Pan African advocate, Christianity, Islam, and Judaism were fashion to subdue, oppress and devalue the feminine gender.
I do not have personal experiences with Judaism and Islam but from accounts I got when we did religious studies in school, I discern that women were not considered equal in the Islamic society. I read reports that suggested that husbands could maim their wives if she showed her face in public. I remember my female classmates and I staring at each other in disbelief and awfully glad that we were born in the western hemisphere when our religious education teacher told us that if we lived in the certain parts of the world we would have been married with children. We looked at each other incredulously and with a sigh of relief.
Women were taught to cover their bodies and subdue to the will of her man in an intensely patriarchal society. If a young girl was suspected of having pre marital sex, her arranged fiancé could kill her without a trial. Infidel women would be thrown in jail or murdered by their husbands. Girls are denied an education because they are considered second class citizens made solely for masculine sexual gratification and child bearers. The woman’s importance is confined to the domestic sphere; her movements and actions intensely monitored and kept in checked.
Some books went on to state that girls were treated like properties by fathers who sold them to the highest male bidder and the family received money in return. A wife who did not produce a male son would be considered less of a woman. A woman who was not married by the time she was in her mid twenties would be considered a social outcast and a disgrace to her family. What I found most barbaric about these societies govern by deep religious practices was the gender bias regarding girl babies. It is as if women are deemed inferior from the fetal stage.
I read a magazine once that said in a certain religion, if the mother discovers that the fetus is a girl, she would abort the pregnancy. When I was doing Caribbean cultural studies, I read that in a certain Caribbean country with a major eastern religious influence, a wife is scorned, disrespected and deplored if she is unable to produce a male child even though science have proven that the male chromosomes determines the sex of the child and not the female.
Christianity has shed a bad light on the female role models. I remembered when I came of age and had a boyfriend. I found the idea of intercourse unclean and immoral. I was socialized by the church to believe that sex was immoral and primal. I was conditioned to subdue my sexuality and to resist the yearnings of the flesh because it would void my quest for eternal life.
According to my pastor, it was created to be enjoyed with baptismal cleansing. I was taught that I should obey my husband because the bible says he is the head of the house and I should subject myself to him. I found that rather ironic since the same bible says that a woman should not open her mouth in the church and my pastor was a female. I conceded that everything she said was deemed nullified because she was a woman and the deity did not approve of her teachings in the temple.
How could we forget mother eve, who introduced sin into the world smirched the spiritual character and capability of the woman. From Eve betrayed God and Adam by eating the forbidden fruit, men have become distrustful of women and have sought to subdue the females to ensure that women do not mess up the second chance that men received at a shot at eternal life. I believe women were oppressed to ensure that they could not interfere with man’s quest to achieve immortality. Women have always been blamed for the sins of the world. I guess men did not trust us after that. My mother says that we were made to feel pain and men were made to suffer. According to religion, dysmenorrhea and pain during child birth is a constant reminder of the punishment god place on the sex for introducing sin into the world, betraying the male deity and his male servants.
Delilah and Jezebel we feared the most. They epitomize the disgrace of the gender and we strive to ensure that we were not like them. Delilah is responsible for weakening the strongest man that ever lived and women turned wise man Solomon into a fool. Men had to control women by conditioning the society to accept feminine inferiority.
But what if this was not case? What if men are weak to women? It is universally accepted that a man’s weakness lies in his loins! What if the documents and archives of religion reflected the opinions of patriarchal society govern by men? Why was the gospel of Mary not included in the King James Version of the bible when Constantine collated the Bible during the Roman era?
The few women the bible advocates such a Mary, the mother of Jesus, today’s women could not emulate her. Chances of a virgin birth (artificial insemination) is a slim chance for today’s women who are under the misguided notion that they still need to give atonement for the sins of Eve and Delilah.
Do you believe that religion was created by insecure men to oppress women?
And if that is the case…
How has religion reassure men?
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Support involves reaching out to others and seeking assistance in returning your emotions and life to a balance albeit no one who has endured narcissism and other forms of abuse will ever be the same. Support can be in the form of help groups, online forums and therapy. Family and friends can be support groups by reestablishing a pattern of familiarity within your life. Reconnecting with what brought you peace and happiness before the narcissist can be rejuvenating and ecstatic.
Seek out the companionship of individuals who will understand your plights. You will discover in your quest for recovery and support that some individuals might become judgmental, impatient and quite often re-traumatize and victimize you instead of championing your efforts towards recovery. These individuals opinion may cause you to relapse instead of buoying you forward. Please avoid such individuals and if you must communicate with them, ensure that your communication is not based on your personal life and problems.
Some people are not equipped to deal with the problems of others and may have other problems of their own. Think about the situations of your receiver before you unload your problems to that person. If this person is having some kind of crisis, it is best to muster the courage to lend support. Choose your support group wisely and you will get the best results. Psychologizing and understanding the disintegration of the relationship may offer a level of closure but you need support for emotional repair.
Consistent and unswerving support improves your capacity to achieve durable and positive change tenfold. Have a friend that you can count on for positive reinforcement and reassurance. Your friend should be able to help you get back up when you fall midstride your progress. Your friend will be able to nudge you along when you feel bout of resignation. Someone who is willing to see you through, by applauding your advances and being the crotch for your strides when you feel broken or weak on your way to recovery from abuse.
He seemed to have moved on very easily. He pretends I do not exist while I am withering away in to my fantasies of me and him. I keep dreaming, desperate for a reconnection I know will not materialized and even if it transpires the experience will not be less harrowing.
What can I do? I carry one with hope that one day the pain will go away. I pray that I will feel whole again, alive and in tune with who I am. I salvage what’s left of my self esteem and I drag on. My joy has been taken away. I cannot have fun. I am in a crowd and I feel starkly alone. I am surrounded by love still I only feel hatred and revulsion. I want to run to a corner in my room and lick my wounds. But I get up. I dance, laugh and return gestures.
If you could stare into my eyes, you would see that there was not one sparkle there. If you stared closely, you would have noticed my tight, forced smile. If you pried deeper you would have seen that my joy is merely skin deep. Nothing on the surface has reached my soul. But I cannot force my problems on you. You empathy and sympathy might reinforce the dullness and pain I am feeling. Some may re-traumatized me and others simply will not understand. My wounds are not palpable and tactile, they are soulful and emotional. You wouldn’t understand. Therefore I drag on…
Yes I drag since my feet refused to lift of the ground. I am too lethargic. Some days I am too weak but still I carry on for fear I may vegetate and then the narcissist would have won. He would have laughed at me and his ego inflated taking comfort and joy in my despair. I must go on. I must pick up the pieces and find a way to mend them back together. I must find my soul. Soul where are you? I must go on!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
I can just imagine that you probably started reading this issue with your tongue sharpened to objurgate me for making such a statement. But let me share a personal experience with you before I delved into the central focus of my article.
There was a time when I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a narcissistic man who found great pleasure in ranting obscenities and profane invectives at me effusively. He would launch a tirade at me completely unprovoked. His bout of anger made me very apprehensive about calling his phone or even talking to him because of his labile rampages and tantrums. It was as if he had problems and he was using me as a valve to vent his frustrations. A psychologist friend of mine was very amused when he learned that we were only seeing each other for a week and he was behaving or rather our relationship sounded like we were together for years. It did not stop there. The more I got close to him and demonstrated my feelings for him. The more obnoxious he became.
I remembered his first attack. It was our second time conversing on the phone. I found his petulant response to my opinion of his professed single status as unbelievable and he had excoriated and shut me down for insinuating that I was a liar. Everything about the man was incredible. He was almost too good to be true and I fell in love with him, with most men I could decipher what their intentions were towards me but my ex narcissist was unreadable.
The signs were very clear I just kept overlooking and falling for his kind words, saccharine tone and the romantic text messages he sent. I saw his obnoxious behavior as a desperate attempt by him to act humble. I posit the first subtle obnoxious statement he made was just an overreaction to my questions or he had a bad day. I did not think that it was the real side of the man, slowly but surely emerging. I imagined his possessive attitude and portrayed insecurities as profession of his softer side. It felt good that a man of his caliber could be jealous of a woman he barely knew. I presupposed his jealous responses to my outings and dates with friends were proof that he was smitten, oh how naïve and paltry my masculine assessment skills were.
I thought he had feelings for me. I believe that he was truly lovesick when he was hasting to consummate our relationship even though I wanted to wait based on the fact that I thought our relationship was moving too fast and I wanted to get to know him more. But I gave in under the misconception that he wanted intimacy to reassure his place in my life and to cement his right to ask me questions about my life, whereabouts and companions. I found the idea intriguing, amused and sometimes frightening. A small voice in my head kept telling me there was something wrong with this handsome, successful man with a bad temper.
His paroxysms got worst and I could not placate him. I tried talking to him in a less confrontational attitude and attempted a docile approach to his advances. It was not sufficient. It was as if he had a wanton desire to insult and depreciate me. He excoriated me gushingly and it seemed the more abusive he was, the more I endeavored to emend my behavior to be the best possible spouse.
I validated his opinions to the point where I began to believe that I was annoying him. I began to embrace his confounded yet fragmented notions of my self worth. I began to think he was unhappy with my appearance or was it my financial status or level of education. I decided to cease from using technical jargons and erudite terms in his presence. I perceived that he saw my intelligence as a threat to his ego as I was considerably more trenchant than he was. I kept modifying my behavior and expressions but it was futile.
My narcissist ended the relationship and I was devastated because I had invested immensely in the relationship. I cried for months and I flung myself into a chasm of depression. I was slowly becoming a Limerant. I spent hours recollecting our moments together and analyzing every detail of our private moments to see if there were areas that could have been improved. I felt as if I had did him wrong in spite of the verbal abuse and insults that I was subjected to by this handsome, successful yet grandiose man.
It was six months later when i got my epiphany when the narcissist began to seek out my companionship again. I quickly realized that I liked him for what he represented and not for who he was. I realized that I was in love with a shell and how good it felt parading him in front of my friends and siblings as my partner. I realized that I liked the idea of the man and not the man himself. I saw in him the characters that I needed to develop and I assume that he saw in me what he is not and will never be. He was arrogant whilst I was unassuming. His self confidence was luminous and he had a commanding air about him that made me want to cower in his presence and do his every bidding. He was my match, the only man that intimidated me. I conceded that if he was perceivably poor and unattractive I would have dumped him at the first sign of trouble.
My point basically is that I am not a self righteous female who is here to accuse you of digging your own grave. I am not here to retraumatised you or lambaste you for remaining in an abusive relationship when all signs say that you should leave. I did not stay with him because he was not hurting; it is not that I did not care about myself. You will discover that ironically women stay in hurting relationships because they do care about themselves. They sometimes become an extension of their partner especially if he is a narcissist with the attendant wealth, power and clout. They do not leave because their image and social experience would be damaged. They do not leave because we live in a society that merits people based on aesthetics and financial standing. People who are considered wealthy and attractive are subjected to far more lenient social judgment and highly enhanced social experiences.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
This was the supplementary analysis that he sent to me via email...
Thanks for sharing the article with me about One Night Stands.
It’s a powerfully written article by you and seemingly well balanced. You are undoubtedly very gifted in writing skills without a doubt.
However, I do not necessarily agree with all the arguments that you put forward to support this type of behavior.
First someone can have a one night stand because they are having difficulty relating to a partner in their current relationship who is not forthcoming emotionally to put it mildly.
Second you can have one a night stand when the current relationship that one is in has gone somewhat cold or sour and to use an expression and some spice needs to be added.
Third there are one night stands because the first sexual interaction was neither pleasing nor satisfactory to either partner.
Fourth cultural factors such as male dominated societies contribute to this type of behavior.
If I recall correctly this was the first sin that humans fell victim to and May well explain why the void has been filled by having Registered Prostitutes in countries like Germany and Holland as well as others.
I take it your article was being specific to Jamaican society where a degradation in morals over the last 40 yrs has fuelled this type of behavior and the wretched poverty of women in Jamaica has been an added vehicle to drive this phenomena. To be factually correct this type of behavior was alien to Jamaica say 100 yrs ago.
Which begs the question for its origin and continued occurrence.So I would conclude that socio-economic elements and a loosening of the moral code coupled by degraded Christian beliefs must be fully taken into account.
One night stands are central and familiar in the realm of dating and relationships. Men will love em and leave em. Men like to have sex with no strings attached. One night stand generates some sense of sexual confidence for men and to blow off sexual steam without the attachment and emotional demands of a relationship.
Not every man a woman meets will be her soul mate or every man that she copulates with will want to stay with her. It is a road that ninety percent of women have travelled and about sixty percent voyage down that road over and over again: these are the women who never have a boyfriend only succession of one night stand. Men engage in causal encounters for respite and adventurous reasons while women do it with the hopes of snatching a partner. This is supported by the fact that women are more likely to have a cursory intercourse with an attractive loaded stranger than with an unattractive poor one by comparison.
Men lower their standards when they are seeking a one night stand. They will pick up just about any girl in the night and then does not want to see her in the morning. Men love sex without emotional strings attached. It’s primal and a harsh reality for women but it is the truth. Men want sex, at the lowest cost to themself possible and if a man thinks you are giving it, he will take it. No strings attached and no remorse.
For some women getting over a one night stand is easy, especially if she is conversant with that kind of dating and relationship ritual. For others like myself, a one night stand seems like the worst dating scenario and the ramifications may handicapped or exacerbate our dating experiences for the rest of our short existence.
One night stands are popular in western cultures and initiating relationships. Women love the spontaneity of the sexual experience and men relish the idea of their inflated egos ballooning on copping the pussy crown so early.
Men relayed positive feelings of confidence, release of tension and satisfaction in the morning while women felt pejorative, depreciated and deplored especially if the brief encounter does not result in a return call or any other form of relation. It is not that women expect a man to marry her after sex but the female feels that she may have given the male the wrong impression, and men inherently have low regard for women who they have one night stands with…
For men one night stands represent the very devaluation of the feminine imperatives. Women cherish and validate sexual experiences than men. Ninety percent of men will have sex with a woman that he has no feelings for while thirty percent of women will have sex with a man she has feelings for and have no remorse if the relationship ends after the first night of intercourse.
I understand that people are free spirited and not everyone esteems coitus but we should consider the emotional and psychological impact of one night stand. People who engage in one night stands successively are ill developed at relationships. Men who perpetuate one night stand may be just exhibiting primitive responses to the modern ideals of sexuality which denounces promiscuity and embraces copular relationships and exclusivity.
women often complain that the resquestor of one night stands are deceptive since they give the illusion that something profound may be spun from the relationship only to have her hopes dash when he does not resurface after the drop off. But who are they fooling?
Men pretend that they want a relationship and give an ounce of commitment to get sex, women on the other hand give sex in hope of getting a relationship and commitment. Dating is a confusing process since men do not want to wait very long for sex and yet are less likely to take a woman who has sex with them hastily for a wife. Additionally, if the woman should show any sense of value and direction by withholding sex, she is sidelined for the next Whore.
Personally, i would rather be sidelined...lol...
But on the other hand, there are people who do not want the barriers and restrictions that comes along with commitment.
One night stand is a way of getting your sexual needs fulfilled without the added baggage of having a long standing committed relationship with all its throes and woes!
No one needs the drama that comes along with relationship.
This stance on relationship maybe great for those with maverick precepts about love, life and dating but for traditional individuals who validate kindred relationships, intimacy and closeness:
Women(like myself) with archaic notions of relationships, who have not evolved into todays customary casual sex ideology,
Be careful one night stands may not be the best way to go about relationships.
Do not engage in a perceived one nightstand with the hope that the tides will turn and he will want a relationship. The repercussions will tear you apart. Many women have sex with men with hopes that he will have a relationship, only to discover that he was only interested in momentary estactsy. Take your time and get to know your partner.
It should be noted that, making a man wait for intercourse does not guarantee a permanent relationship. But it does add an element of dignity, self value and esteem to your perceived character. If a man decides that you are not the woman for him, if you give in to him tonight or the next ten years, he will use you and leave you. You cannot force a man to love you nor should you wait around for an emotionally unavailable man to change...
Additionally if you are not the free, wild, untamed ‘meet em and leave em’ take it slow and concentrate on you. Be careful and do not make mistakes. People who engage in one night stands often think about themselves than the person that they are with. For them it’s like visiting a restaurant. They will forget your face and your name. So it makes no sense to subject yourself to such casual relations, if you cannot deal with the aftermath feelings that may engulf you which will range from guilt to self flagellation.
If it’s already happened, do not worry…it makes no sense to beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake. Believe me we all do. The only reasons you should be feeling stressed out over a one night stand is if you got pregnant or you caught a sexually transmitted disease. Other than that there is absolutely no reason to be hanged up on it, since the person you did it with has probably forgotten about you already. For a serial one nighter each conquest is remembered with no originality. He only sees himself in the action; he rarely remembers who he did it with.
So don’t waste time maudlin over your conqueror. Just ensure that it does not happen again.
No one can Validate you...You are responsible for setting your own values...
and yes he might find someone esle to do it...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Yeah the relationship is over and you pray to god that you never ever see his hideous face again. Or you pray that you run into him later at the party and he realizes that you are still the hottest girl on the planet and you get back together. Or you hope that you walk out the street just in time to see him hit by a moving trailer! That one would definitely ease you pain! Here are three easy tips on how to handle the situation if you ever stumble into your ex …unexpectedly!
1. If he dumped you…
It’s very difficult to see the man that you spent many a steamy days with ( sometimes one steamy night) out and about partying and having a good time and behaving as if you don’t even exist or as if he has just been acquitted from prison! You may be tempted to break down in tears, yell at him or grab a bat and bludgeon the heartless fiend to death. But before you pounce on him, pull yourself together regain your composure and put on your stellar smile. Do not bombard him, acting enraged and violent towards him will only confirm that he was right to get away from you when he did and as fast as he did. Do not for a second believe that when you cry, wail or call him all manner of evil that he will have some amount of guilt trip and take you back. In most cases you inadvertently push him a million miles further.
If you make eye contact its best to smile and look away… In case he says something… be cordial and concise then excuse yourself to do something far less heart aching. Tell him that you are feeling superb and then leave him standing there. Be sure not to entertain him, do not stroke that oversized ego of his as humoring his conversations denotes that you are not over him. Save the tirade for when you are with your girlfriends they will understand and sympathize with your lost. Your ex might just think you are crazy.
Additionally do not allow you girlfriends to get involved by making snide comments or overtures at your ex…it is immature and irrelevant. I understand that your friends may feel the need to defend your honor but they will defend it far better by being nonchalant and stoic. Please do not give him all that attention…we do not want him to feel as if he is important or that he has done something worthy of our attention.
Imagine how you would feel if a guy that you dumped saw you at a party, charged over to you like a raging bull and started crying and yelling at you. I surmised that your night would be ruined and you would be wishing that you had never met or even slept with that deranged bastard! Exactly! Do not get mad at your ex in public! He broke your heart yes it hurts but it is not fatal! My mom says that what does not cost my life really has not cost me anything!
2. If you did the dumping…
The same concept applies…just be brief when conversing… in fact it is best if you do not speak at all. If he attempts to speak with you be brief, congenial and leave his presences. Avoid being disrespectful or irritable that may just annoy him and exacerbate an already awkward situation. Do not engage in laughter or ridicule him with your friends. Karma is a bitch and she will bite you in the ass!
Additionally do not expect him to be as friendly with you as you would have been if he had dealt the blow. Men will typically be resentful and incensed when they bump into the woman that shredded their hearts, worst if you are with another man.
Treat your dumpee the very same way that you would want your ex to treat you if he did the dumping. This is with respect, tolerance and empathy for his feelings, treat him just as you would want to be treated when your heart is broken.
3. When you still have feelings for him…
If you are still in love with him regardless of who ended the relationship, avoiding contact may be very difficult but may still be in your best interest. Do not encourage conversation as old hurts may come up that may ruin your night. It is best to keep the conversation noncommittal and directed at any issue other than your current situation. You do not want to stir up old wounds when you may both be healing. Instead direct your attention to some other eligible bachelors and singulerettes in the consortium. Try comparing him with other men around you. If he is still outstanding then I guess you are in for some serious heartache worst if he did the dumping.
Trying to get him back may seem like the best thing but do not worry because if it is meant to be he will crawl back to you. Additionally try looking your best and being on your best behavior. He will admire your maturity and may just ask you back for your body in bed! The saying goes that a cow never knows the usage of its tail until he has lost it.
Now you know what you can do to make a gauche situation more comfiture. Do not get upset when you meet your ex. Get respect…get even… get over that!
You long for the love that you once had before. The moments that you had with your EX that you probably took for granted then are now more precious than gold. You relive experiences in your mind. You romanticize about your ex-lover and the day that he will be back in your arms. And then you wake up the next morning and the harsh reality of your situation hits you!
Your heart rent from your chest and your partner gnaws it right before your eyes. You faint into obscurity and an abyss of infinite pain and misery. A pool of emotions so overwhelming that even the greatest swimmer is liable to drown in it. A chasm that only the arms of your love can extract you from its depth of anguish and eternal torment, granting you life, verve and vim like you had experience from.
For whatever reasons your relationship ended it should be noted that your partner found something about you that he was attracted to and it is liable that he stills love those qualities. It is just that at the moment your demerits are overshadowing those qualities or he has found someone else who exhibits those qualities at a better dimension.
It is never too late and true love never dies. I am not going to stand here and tell you to get over him and move on with your life nor will I support you pursuing a relationship that is probably unhealthy and will only engender more pain in the long run.
What I will advice is for you to follow your head. Yes I said your head and not your heart. Our hearts have a knack for misleading us as women as our intuitive natures tend to override our intelligence when it comes to men, rendering us stupefied. We rationalize that it is futile pursuing this man but our traitorous hearts will not let go of the growl in his voice and our bodies betray us by yearning for the feel of his hard angular, masculine body. We know that nothing good will come out of reconnecting with this man but yet our heart keeps telling us “just this once…just one more chance to make it alright” …one more night, give me just one more night…and then our hearts get broken and he leaves again.
The truth is that you cannot force someone to love you and regardless of what you assume about your Ex-lovers feelings towards you, it should not cloud the reality of the situation. Calling him and trying to convince him to reconnect with you will only backfire. You may end up pushing him further away and subjecting yourself to disrespect (if he is abusive) and more pain than you could possibly feel, if you had accepted the situation as it is.
The worst thing that you could do is try and persuade a grown man about his decisions or try to reason with him. If he is not a mature and intelligent man who understands the dynamics of human emotions; your pleas for reconciliation may prove only as comic relief for him and his friends. He will also lose respect for you and may see you as being needy, desperate and lacking emotional strength.
Calling him will do more harm than good and begging him to take you back may subject you to exploitation if he is an unscrupulous individual. A deceitful and immoral man will not be hesitant in destroying a woman that wears her heart on her sleeves! If you are a successful woman and financially wealth off, a less financially stable man that you are pining over may well reconnect with you to siphon your money and then dump you when your wallet runs dry!
Buying him expensive accoutrement and being ‘loving poetic’ won’t get you anywhere. Men do not respond to gifts and endearments the way we do. That’s the reason why poetry and words works better on us than it does on them. Now you know why pouring out your heart to a man does not make him cry but make him look at you with than disgusted smirk on his face. But if he should pour his heart out. You will need a boat to get out of the house, the way you’ll rain in the emotions!
Additionally pining and romancing over him won’t help. It only makes you feel worst when you leave the utopic world and realize that it was all in your head. While you are there dying over this man he is probably out having the time of his life and having little or no thought of you. Get yourself back together. Join the gym or go jogging, you can log on online and try some great exercise program or jog around your house. You will be amazed at what exercise can do to your mood and in the long run, you may get the physique that will make your Ex want to crawl back to you!
Take a course somewhere, delve into your career, join a support group or get involve in volunteer work. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself? Do things that highlight your assets and allow you to use your aptitudes. You will be surprise and how much you forget the pain when you are busy. Your Ex may not come back into your life but by keeping yourself busy. You will get over the hurt and the pain will get easier as the days go by! You learn something new about yourself and ma well magnified some inherent skills that lay dormant because you were being distracted. You may attract the kind of man that will cause your heart to flutter again and this time for real!
And cry when you want to cry! Feel the pain, accept the hurt and take the time to reevaluate your life and what it is that you want. This would be the best time for you to decide whether or not you need this man back into your life. Don’t be afraid to be alone, when you have passed this phase you won’t even notice your solitary situation! I would rather be alone than be with a man that is hurting me!
I believe in destiny and my mother always says ‘if he is the one …don’t worry he is coming right back!” if he loves you with all his heart and realizes that he feels inadequate without you. He will be coming back. But think carefully before you take your ex-lover back. You need to do some serious discussions and make hard decisions about your roles in the relationship so as to ensure that what happened before does not happen again. If you doubt your Ex-boyfriend’s renewed commitment to you then it is best to leave the relationship in its broken shape! Being in a relationship with high levels of insecurity may cause you more harm than happiness.
Get over it! It’s his lost not yours! He has just given you a chance to find someone better!
Every courting situation should be taken seriously as the outcomes of human association especially where sex is involved is highly complex and varied.
The naïve dater is new on the dating scene. She is normally in her late teens and early twenties (however she may be older).
Inexperienced daters make decisions about relationships from a unilateral and ingénue viewpoint not taking into consideration the intentions and feelings of the men we are dating. A young woman on the dating scene is narrow sighted to the gact that she only possess an internal locus of control over the outcome of any liason.
Therefore she posit that men feel the way she does, respond to the same relational and sexual stimulus only to have our faulty assumptions demolished with the unrealization of a relationship with the man that we date. We beat ourselves up and often stagger on the brink of insanity wondering why a date that appeared to have gone well does not materialize into a relationship. We become freaked out and let our incomprehension of the situations overthrow our rationality and we behave in unhealthy ways.
For the less naïve dater, a feeling of déjà vu and a compelling intuitive knowledge that this relationship will be like the previous liaisons, she foresees a harrowing disaster waiting to happen. Our dating reservations are further cemented by years or even months of bad experiences with men and harrowing dating encounters. This perception is often founded on the basis of the same ecstatic feelings that were evident in relationships before it precipitated in to heart break.
It the feeling that is generated by the fear that all women feel when they date or meet a man for the first time. A fear that this relationships might not work out. It is the fear of lost! Fear of rejection, abandonment, humiliation and unrequited love! Break ups are the most devastating phenomena and one of the harsh realities of dating and relationships. It is the epiphany that you had made the colossal mistake of entangling your self whether momentarily or long term with the wrong person!
At the dinner, he listened attentively and held her hands from across the table. He whispered endearments in her ear. He had a saccharine sense of humor. When He had kissed her hands lightly, her heart fluttered and she knew that this time, there would be no mistakes. They even held hands on the way to her apartment. He was the perfect gentle man. Trina jumped into bed and romanticized about her new found love.
Three weeks later …
Trina sat at her desk glancing at the phone. Every fiber in her body yearned to call Ken but she could not allow herself to. He said he would call and it was almost a month since their date and she had not heard from him.
Trina is fighting to grasp what went wrong. She was sure that they had a connection. She replayed over the indices and nuances of the day they met until the night that they went out on the date and tried to fathom what went wrong! She was confused and calling Ken was the only clarity to her addled mine.
She dialed Ken’s number and it rang without an answer. She hanged up and tried three times with her number ID hidden. Ken picked up on the fourth ring!
Trina says “ hello Ken, what happened…I was waiting to hear from you…I thought something had happened to you…I miss you so much!”
There is a deafening silence on the other end and Trina had to look at the phone screen to reassure herself that he was still there listening.
Ken replies in a stern, annoyed voice “who is this?”
Trina felt a huge lump in her windpipe as she swallowed hard and her eyes brimmed with tears. She answered with a cheerful voice that belied the hurt that was slowly enveloping her body “it’s me Trina”
Ken sighed in annoyance “from where?”
Trina croaked “from Hendon…we went out on a date three weeks ago”
Ken laughs “hey Trina…what’s up long time don’t hear from you…what happen! Why you could not call me? I lost your number because I changed my phone!”
Ken said in a crisped voice “it was nice hearing from you and I hope that all is well with you. I have a meeting so I have to run. We will talk sometime. Have a nice day!”
And he hanged up. Leaving Trina hanging there in midsentence as she replied to his statements.
Trina felt like marching down to the bastard’s house and demand that he make amends for the pain that he was causing her.
She cried. Thinking how much she wasted her time on him. For days she had fantasized that he would call and that they would have a relationship. She was angry. It was a good date. They had fun and it felt good to be with him and he felt it too. She thought that he was genuine.
But he was just like those other scoundrels. He had misled her and hurt her. Oh how she hated men!
What had she done wrong?
How could a seemingly nice man, treat her so cold?
How could a date that had gone well turn out to be this sour?
There is no novelty to this story. I have seen it happened perennially and to be frank I have had firsthand experience. Most women can attest to being in this situation at least once in their lifetime. The man seems handsome and eligible. You have great social time together. He promised to call but never does. In cases like these the Dumper normally allows the Dumpee to figure out that there won’t be a relationship. While the Dumpee waits days on end for a call that she eventually will have to make. The male has decided that there won’t be a relationships and has not relayed that information to the female. He assumes that by ignoring her and not calling her that she will get the message. Often times the message is not decoded and the female calls only to have her worst fears come to pass. He doesn’t want a relationship.
First Date Break Up is the most perplexing form of break up because in most cases the Dumpee(Trina) is unaware of what lead to the disintegration of a association that showed signs of growth and substance. She is left with a feeling of emptiness as she is constantly analyses every aspect of the date so as to pinpoint what went wrong.
This type of Break Up is a huge blow to the Dumpee’s Ego as sexual intercourse did not take place. The Dumped feels as if she has suffered a great lost as she has not had a fulfilling experience with her object of affection. She feels cheated. She feels indignant, angry that she was denied the right to get closer to her date. She missed an intimacy that she never had. She missed the life with him that she had conjured in her head. His statement and indifference echoing the truth that nothing would happen between them and that she was just a mere acquaintance. One that is soon forgotten. Break Ups of this nature normally generates resentment of the male because the female feels as if she was victimized unnecessarily. The aversion is intensified by the male’s apparent stoic response to her situation, his lack of forwardness and disregard for her feelings.
What makes First Date Break Ups so intriguing is that by the end of the night or the next date both parties have made up their minds about the status of the association. The female has made up her mind that he is the one and the male has made up his mind that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. This is evident because he does not call after the date. If he calls and then his calls begin to decline during the next few weeks that’s and entirely different situation. When he doesn’t. It means what it appears to mean. It means that he is not interested in you. He may like you, he probably wants to have sex with you but at this moment he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s a harsh reality that women have to face every day and it’s the reality of a man’s rejecting you especially when you know that you haven’t violated him in anyway. You haven’t done him any wrong and he has decided to call it quits!
There are always warning signs and it should be noted that even before some women make the call, they already sense that something is wrong. The female knows the man doesn’t want a relationships and there is no use holding because it’s not going to happen. This should be evident if he has not tried to contact you at most a week after your date.
However, it’s difficult to let go because she does not know what lead him to change his mind. In order for the female to let go she needs closure, hence the final attempt to contact him and hear what he has to say. Females like Trina feels a wave of anguished. It is very difficult to forget Break Ups of this nature as the association ends without any apparent reasons other than one party deciding not to continue acquaintance by aborting communication.
It takes a strong, experienced and willed minded woman to resist the urge to call her date after he has not called for day. A woman who is knowledgeable of the dynamics surrounding male thought process and mating selection patterns will not be aggrieved by a man who takes you out and then doesn’t call to follow up on plans to initiate a relationship.
In parts II and III, I am going to give you the reasons why he hasn’t called and what to do when he doesn’t. Additionally I am going to suggest ways of improving your dating experiences so as to mitigate the possibility of the First Date Break Ups. Parts II and III are displayed on the page below as related articles.
It’s a phenomenon that we are both intrigued yet repelled by and it is the idea of a successful, intelligent, good natured and ‘should know better woman’ that remains committed to a man that disrespects, abuses and ill treat her mercilessly and unrepentantly. We wonder what could compel a woman to want to remain with a man that only cost her pain and discomfort, yes I mean cost her and not cause her! A man that only seems to sap her energy, undermine her self worth and under rate her dexterities and competencies. A man that limits her physical and psychological freedom publicly humiliates her and beats her occasioning grievous injuries. We are appalled when a successful woman admits that she has been abused by her husband. We are outraged when a woman is murdered by the hands of her lover. We are incensed when a woman attempts to leave an abusive relationship but finds her self right back with the abusive lover because she feels that she can’t live without him or that he will hurt her if she leaves. We wonder why a man could do something to a woman that he claims that he loves.
The truth be told, an abusive man does not love anyone but himself. Abusers are frequently narcissistic. They are self absorbed, ego centric and egotistic. He is weak and lacks human compassion, feelings or even emotions. The only time he feels any iota of emotions is when he feels as if his being is somehow threatened. These emotions ranged from anger, guilt, self pity and ferocity. It is at the ferocious point that most women will get their asses slapped or neck slashed by an abusive man. I know it sounds grisly heinous but it is the truth. We have seen many headlines, many Dr Phil’s and Oprah Winfrey and even CNN headline. Abusive husband, jealous boyfriend, estranged lover murders his woman.
Women have a nurturing nature that is a characteristic of our evolutionary psychological development. Just as how a mother loves a delinquent son, it is the same analogy for a woman with a tyrant, inconsiderate irreverent husband. A woman feels love for her man even though pummels her every night. In spite of his abusive nature, he often has other great characteristics that overshadow his sadomasochist behavior. The wife believes that if she loved him more, harder over and over again, he will become a better man. She posits that she has sufficient love within her being to serve for both of them. Enough love to fill the void that his lack of expressive love has made. She loves for both of them, suffers for both of them and lives for them both. It’s a level of sacrifice that is unfounded and leaves the woman exhausted, an overwhelming emotional fatigue. It’s the same altruistic and self less, incessant, irrevocably love that a mother has for her disaffected child. She loves him no matter how bad he is.
But does she always love him. Sometimes we women believe that we love a man but what we are really enamored with is often what the man represents, the power that he has or his money. We are in love with a shell. You realize that you love the way he looks, the way he commands attention at a seminar, the fact that you feel proud to have a husband who is a corporative executive, drives a Pontiac and lives in Beverly Hills. The same husband that broke two of your ribs disrespects your mother and almost shot your daddy in the ass when he came for thanksgiving.
You love how he looks and what he represents and not necessarily the substance of the man. It’s like loving a bottle of crystal champagne. You like how it looks, you like showing it to everyone (yes I can buy an expensive drink and yes I have taste!) but you hate the damn contents, you never drank a sip from that bottle that you boast of every day.
She feels that she probably will never meet another man like him. He becomes indispensably to her. She needs to keep this man because she feels nullified without him. Her identity has become intersperse with his and she feels as if she will become no body or nothing without this man. Her sense of self has been eroded by his constant abuse and denigration. She has no autonomy, no singular personality or definition of self outside of her husband and his life. This woman is normally the one who is married to the governor or a very powerful man. This woman is afraid of losing her status in society and divorcing from her abusive man may well be the ramification.
Then there are the women who are trapped in their relationship with abusive men for personal reasons. The females remain with abusive men because they want to protect their children because she fears that the man might abuse the child or children. Most men that abuse women tend ill treat children because abusive men like to pound on people that are weak or perceived debilitating.
An abusive man suffers from malignant narcissism. He feels that he is above moral authority. He rarely feels any form of reproach. He sees no wrong in his violent actions and is incorrigible. He accepts violence and sees it as his only form of expression, be it verbal or demonstrative. He sees foul behavior as norm and expects everyone to accept it. It is quite normative that he was taught violence as a means of communication as a child. He has suffered abuse and therefore is only acting out what he was taught.
But this gives no man the right to bludgeon a woman to death or to loath her in any form. No woman deserves to be abused. No woman deserves to be disrespected. No woman deserves to be marginalized and isolated from her friends and family by an abusive husband. No woman deserves to be abused. No woman should remain in an abusive relationship. There is no reason to hang around saying that it will get better. The man can be encouraged to seek counseling but how many narcissistic men will be willing to admit that he needs counseling? How many sadistic men will see the vile and anomie in their actions. The best advice is to get out while you still can! Get out now!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Why alpha men do not like intelligent women?
I was reading stories on the website Baggagereclaim.com about how successful, intelligent women are having difficulties finding a spouse who are on their level. Women are complaining that if a man perceives that a woman makes more money than him, then he is less likely to pursue a relationship with her. Men are very intimidated by a woman who is far more trenchant and smarter than he is. Women are saying that men are more likely to be obnoxious and distance while having a conversation with a woman who is “too deep”. Women asserted that if a female demonstrates that she knows topics beyond latest magazine gossips, shoes, clothing and other superficial conversation topical, a man easily becomes bored.
I want to share some tidbits of encounters I have had with an alpha males or so-called alpha males and his dispositions. I would love for my readers to make an assessment of the situation. I will share my input and you may share yours if you choose to at the bottom of the page.
My latest encounter was with a well known executive who I will call Tony. Tony is the type of man who is intelligent in his natural sense. He is an avid reader, experience and has an ego the size of Jupiter. Tony falls into a category of men who initially find a woman’s intelligence intriguing but as soon as he realized that it will stymie his ability to get her in bed, her intellect becomes insufferable to him. He will attempt to insult her by way of degrading her physique or downplaying the importance of her trenchancy by insinuating that she is overcompensating or below standard. The woman will more likely than not be offended by his comments, shuts up for the rest of the date or simply give him lib and leave his arrogant ass.
He will resort to character assassination to wear down her chastity defenses. He will attempt to destroy her self concepts and ideologies by rendering them immaterial and vacuous. The idea is to reduce her self awareness so that he can have his way with his date. He wants to tear down a woman’s defenses to the point where she will comply with his advances and he wins by getting her to change her morals. It is simply an ego struggle between an alpha male and an alpha female that he perceives to be a threat to his masculine inflated ego.
Tony told me that I was using erudite terms to overcompensate for my nonexistent self esteem and as a means of impressing men. I stared at him tongue in cheek as my psychology skills honed into high gear. This man was accusing me of trying to impress him when he changed his car on each date we went out on. I did not accuse him of being pompous when he told me about his cruises and travels. He apparently liked hearing the sound of his voice and not the sound of mine. He was complaining about my grandiloquence, when the entire conversation from his end was riddled with complexities, self satisfying philosophies and profundity. What a double standard? It was OK for him to be erudite but for me it meant that I was a cerebral narcissist with a labile self worth.
Tony told me that he did not believe Oprah Winfrey was a successful woman. In his mind, her money did not make her successful. He said that she did not have children and was afraid of committing to Stedman. From his perspective, a woman cannot be successful without playing the traditional roles which included, child bearing, rearing and domestication. He was vicariously telling me what he thought of women like me, who were aspiring to become Oprah Winfrey or a variant of her. It was becoming more palpable that my date was a chauvinist. He said that being an intelligent woman was a good thing but it would not hurt to use my vagina other than my intellect as a means of ascendancy in life (to add insult to injury). He asserted that I was young, naïve and dumb girl with the notion that the world is going to pause to accommodate ‘my naive, archaic ideas of love, marriage and relationships’.
He contended that I needed a sex life because he knows that I am pining away for a man and it was affecting my ability to reason. He claims that I should try being feminine, using guile and sexiness to ensnare men and maybe then I would be able to keep a man. He said instead of concentrating on success, I should try to figure out how to get and keep man. He declared that I was terminally naïve, theoretically intelligent but lacking street knowledge. It became clear to me that this man was not interested in me but rather how I made him feel and whether or not he would be able to have sex with me. He said “try using you p*@#$%, it will take you places and sometimes faster than your brain”. What an insult!!!!
I was naïve and dumb because I refuse to be treated like an object of sexual gratification by a married man. I was “terminally naïve” because I refused to behave like most young adult females who see intercourse as a meal ticket or an escape into a paroxysm of pleasure. I had an imaginary self esteem fueled by my unwavering desire for intellectual superiority, cognition and academical success and that was a sin than a virtue. The man had known me for an hour. He concluded that I was naïve, brilliant yet lacking street knowledge, utopic and possesses low self regard. Why do I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men with gigantic egos and a desire to assassinate my character?
The funny thing about this conversation is that I did not tell Mr. Tony that I was interested in him as a potential partner. Mr. Tony happens to be happily married with a family and is interested in dating young women for sexual gratifications. I quickly conclude that a man of his character would have had absolutely nothing virtuous to say to me. Why did I go on a date with him was beyond me.
Men of Tony’s character enjoy seeing women in domestic and traditional positions. He contended that he was a moral man and yet he was adulterous, cheating on his beta wife at home. Tony realized that I was adamant with my relational precepts and sought to wear me down my insinuating that I was unattractive. Tony declared that I am probably responsibly for my past relationships. He was convinced that my ex boyfriends had deserted me. He did not ask me about my life, instead he was telling me what he gleaned from our brief encounter. Tony was attempting to impel a change in my perspectives by using the old narcissistic tactic called character assassination.
The man stated that I should change my worldview before it is too late and I should cease pursuing success and act like a regular twenty one year old. Regular twenty one year olds are ecstatic to have sex with older married men in exchange for money and pleasure. A cursory relationship with no strings attached was what Mr. Tony was offering me. He was offering me (in his mind) a life because I had none based on his analysis.
I sat back and peered at him from across the table, feeling amused and incensed by his diatribe. I was halfway between bursting into loud guffaws, grabbing my bag and stomping out of the restaurant like a raging bull. He kept ranting oblivious of the fumes emanating from my body. It took him a while to realize that I had stop contributing and he was listening to his own voice. I muttered reactionary sentences to reassure him that I was interested in his relationship dogmas and what he thought of me. It is always wise to agree with a verbal attacker or remain silence. Defending oneself will encourage and embolden the attacker, to bombard with more insults, lower blows and harsher statements. Do not add gasoline to a fire, doused it with water. Remembering my grandmother’s philosophy for dealing with men of this nature, I relaxed and allow Mr. Tony to voice his opinions about my sexuality and how he thought I could effectively improve my existence through sexual transmission.
Women will attest that men rarely need to hear about your sapient notions and deep rhetoric while on a date. Most men are interested in getting sensual and carnal. The reality of the situation is that men do not want to know what your IQ score is but are more interested in the diameter of one’s vagina.
There has been a recent rise in heterosexual males desiring anal intercourse with their female spouse as oppose to vaginal penetration. Many women have deemed the ordeal unsavory, painful and repulsive but comply because their spouse liked the idea of it. Most women flinched at the idea of anal sex and others find the idea inconceivable and ad nauseum.
For some women, anal sex is a new and exciting way of pleasing their spouse and offering the ultimate pleasure.
Psychologists claim that the rise in hetero-anal sex may be due to many young men growing up with problems regarding their sexualities. The proliferation of pornographic material on the internet has been epiphenomena of this as many young men have altering sexual orientations and increase sexual expectations due to the premature and over-exposure to sex.
Sexual expectation has been elevated due to the availability of porn. It is the same influence of pornography which leads the world wide emergence and eventual acceptance of oral sex. The dissemination of homosexual pornography sensitized and also gave certitude to homosexuals and clandestine Gays to be liberal about their sexual orientation.
Many young men assume that because a couple has hetero-anal sex in porn and the female seems to be enjoying it, it means that women will enjoy the ordeal in real life. Persons do not understand the difference between paid actors on a screen as oppose to the reality of the situation. Many boys are being sexually oriented by online pornography
It may appear that we have encountered another sexual orientation with the advent and permeation of hetero-anal sex. Some religious assertions contend that men who are having anal sex with women possess homosexual tendency and are using hetero-anal sex as a means of bridging their emotions. Some claim that it allow men to channel their homosexual desires while maintaining a heterosexual front. It allows the male to engage his sexual needs without stirring up or disturbing his perceived sexuality and social experience.
Then there is the gratification side to the debate as men attests that anal penetration is far more gratifying that vaginal intercourse. Some males contend that vaginal sex is becoming normative and mundane. Anal sex adds another dimension to sexual intercourse and it makes intercourse more wholesome and diverse. Males declare that the rectum is tighter than the vagina and that vagina sometimes loses elasticity due to child birth.
Women are increasingly being opened to the idea of exploring anal sex with their partners. Some women claim that anal sex is very stimulating as your male partner is able to ignite the very sensitive nerve endings in that region bringing you undeniable pleasure during climax. Other females say that it is different from homosexual intercourse as partners tend to be just as passionate and caring as traditional copulation. Women declare that if your mate is sensitive and caring then it would be a painless, loving and beautiful experience. Others state that women should consider it an honor that a man would be willing to insert his organ in that area.
On the other hand, women feel insulted by the idea that a man would rather have sex with her anally that vaginally, considering the proximity. Many women may think that their sense of sexuality is being traded for something else and maybe offended by such an advance. One male friend told me that it is not about competition, anal sex is just an extension and women should not be affronted by the idea. Some women claim that men who do that are selfish since only the male experience stimulation and the female experience pain. otherr women claim that the bleeding is very uncomfortable, repugnant and that it is a good way to catch a venereal disease. For many women, anal sex is simply a sexual taboo.
At the end of the day, a person’s sexual orientation and what they do in the privacy of their bedroom is an individual and their spouses business. Some people will not cross the line on certain sexual activities and others are opened to new experiences. It is quite evident that hetero-anal sex is here to stay and it is not going anywhere. Human sexuality is constantly evolving. There was a time when interracial relationships, oral sex, homosexuality was a taboo and we have move past those social repulsions. My best advice is to use a condom every time and be caring with your partner. Additionally I have read that using a lubricant and being patient, enhances the experiences. And if your spouse should accidentally slip to the rectum, just holler “wrong hole!”
What do you think?
He outlines five principles that one should apply when seeking a partner:
1. Legally Allowable
It is best to have a relationship that supports the legal and ethical frameworks of your society. This means that you should not strive to have relations with underage individuals that will result in statutory rape and societal sanctioning. Do not have a relationship that may cause you to have a fall out with your family, creed or tribe. It also means that if your choice of relationship is not supported by the laws of your geographical location then one should find a place where that type of relationship is sanctioned and protected by the laws; these include Bigamy and Homosexual marriages.
2. Physically Possible
Physical possibility involves proximity regarding age and location. It is noted that individuals who live in propinquity are more likely to have fulfilling relationships than those that reside distances away from each other. Close proximity is necessary for a relationship to grow and for couples to get to know each other and from a bond. Physical Proximity also refers to age. You want a relationship with a person who will not live out your lifespan or who will be able to live out your lifespan. This is what my friend refers to as the shell life of the relationship. He asserted that some individuals might find this statement harsh but he does not think that couples should have relationships that will compromise their time together. He claims that it places added stress on the relationship like when an insecure older guy constantly stalks his much junior girlfriend for fear that she will cheat on him with a younger guy or when you are having sleepless nights because your mate is residing in another country and you are wondering if he is cheating .
3. Financially Feasible
Financially Feasible rule is simple. Do not have relations with someone that is outside of your budget. Work within the confines of your financial status. This includes having relationships with individuals that are of the same class. According to my friend, it adds balance to the relationship and there is less likelihood of one partner manipulating and overpowering the other because of financial upper hand. If you are starting a business, like a relationship ensure that your partner does not have more investment in the business. If this is the case then it would not be a business for both of you, it would be his enterprise since he has majority control of shares in the company. He asserted that one should ensure that they are not investing too much in a relationship that is bound to fail. Additionally one should spend wisely whilst in a union. Many individuals go out of their way to ensnare a partner by selling their homes or cars, taking out loans or embezzling from their jobs. It should be noted one should not have to go to this length to secure a relationship. This is another aspect of legally allowable, do not have a relationship that will compromise your societal freedom and may have you incarcerated.
4. Maximally Productive
At all times ensure that the person you are with is making the same amount of effort you are making to ensure the durability and longevity of the relationship. It may not matter to you now that you are investing seventy percent while your partner is investing thirty. However you will become frustrated and resentful when the profits have to be shared fifty fifty. The same goes for a relationship, a partner who is investing more will become resentful of the partner who is investing less and may demand more. The demand may fuel the partner to withdraw from the enterprise. The idea is simply, do not have a partnership with someone who is indolent and unproductive. You will be doing the work for two people and only receiving rewards for one. You cannot continue to give without receiving returns or aids.
Are you dating a man who exudes behavioral characteristics that have you questioning whether or not you should continue the relationship? Chances are your rationale for disconnection far outweighs the reasons to maintain the relations. I have compiled a list of reasons that you should not promote this individual to the next level in your life.
1. He is possessive. You do not need a man who treats you like a property. A man who relates to you like he would an object. It should telegraph to a woman that the man will never regard her as a human being or understand your feelings. To be short, your man will never afford freedom. You will be a prisoner, one of your own making if you decided to pursue this relationship. Most traits that are exhibited during the dating stages do not mitigate once the relationship has been established. In many cases, unfavorable dispositions are magnified because the man has won his prize and does not feel that he needs to pretend anymore.
2. He is rude. Obnoxious behavior is a sign of insecurity where an individual masks his weakness by being boorish and abusive. Men suffering from narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders are very uncouth. It is first recognized as a minor slip up until it mutates in a hurls of obscenities. This is one man; you do not want to pursue a relationship with.
If he makes snide remarks about your appearance beneath the guise of humor, do not be naïve, he means every word. You do not need a man of this rude nature in your life. Verbal and ambient abuse can be far more traumatizing than physical abuse as the victims is emotionally and psychologically battered. Such injuries are the hardest to heal and forget as the scars remain forever.
3. He asks you for money. Be aware of the man who makes pecuniary demands on you. Rest assure that this is the beginning of a scheme to milk your finances. If you are dating a man that is requiring that you always pay for dinner, movie and you are bearing the finances of the companionship. It may be that you are paying a man to spend time with you. You have an inherent value that deems you worthy of a relationship without having to bail your bank account. It should be noted that a gold digger cannot be bought. They are opportunistic and the minute they find someone who is in a better financial position than you, they will leave you. In the end you will have double lost, you will lose a partner and your funds. He will move on with a new loaded partner and they both drive off into the sunset leaving you with your broken life pieces to pick up.
4. You make all the calls. If you are having a relationship with a man where you make all the calls then you need to step back and make an analysis. I am not saying that if he calls once in a while, I mean he never calls. It communicates to me that you are the one who is investing in the relationship. It also conveys that he is not that into you. He is not as interested in the relationship as you are. You are forcing water up a hill that will eventually turn over on you and drown you.
5. He does not keep his promises. If you are dating a man who tells you that he is going to do something but does not follow up, it is a major red flag for a potential relationship. A man who tells you that you will meet up at seven but does not show and does not call to apologize is a sure sign that you need to end relations. If he is not consistent with his claims then you are bound to have problems with your relationship (if it moves into the relationship phase). This person does not like you and does not care about your feelings. If you associate this person regardless of their dido then you need to do this from a position of control. If you are having fun, then go ahead but if you are seeking something serious, then Mr. Inconsistency is a big No. Men will continue to commit an offence if they think that they can get away with it. They will do this as long as they can, until you put a stopping to it. Do you want a man who will make promises, he will not keep and refuse to acknowledge his infractions and apologize?
6. You do not trust him because he is a liar. If you suspect that the man you are dating is not being absolutely honest with you then it’s a major call for a halt on your relationship. It is not advisable to have a relationship with a man you suspect of dishonesty. If you are questioning his values then it means that you need to reevaluate your position and what you need from this union. My advice will be to end that relationship. A dishonest person cannot be trusted and a fraud has something treacherous to hide. If he cannot be honest about his identity and his intentions then he will never be sincere with you.
7. He is self centered. If you are dating a man who you perceives is a narcissist or an egoist, then you will have a problem with this individual. A man, who thinks the world is centered on him, will not have any time to pander your needs because he is very busy with himself. A person whose ideals revolved around their own existence will rarely if ever have time to concentrate on anyone outside of the self. You will be fighting for his attention with himself.
8. He has a bad track record. A notorious womanizer and abuser are not the most admirable history when dating a man. If you are dating a man and you are privy of his past where he beats his ex partner then you need to put your feet in your hands and run. Abusers are very predictable and if a man abuses his ex spouse, chances he are he will abuse you when the relationship matures. You do not need a relationship with an abuser who will tear down yourself concept and self esteem. He will leave you feeling drained traumatized and depleted. Do a research on victims of abuse (if you have never been subjected to it) and you will discover that once the honey moon stage is passed then the abuser unveils his true nefarious nature. You may not see him as an abuser but he will reveal his true nature when the time is right and fright.
9. He has made it clear that he is only interested in a casual relationship. If you are looking for a husband and yet the man that you are dating has made it clear that he is only interested in sex, then you need to change your values or you need end the relationship. Do not continue the relationship on the premise that he will wise up and pursue a profound relationship with you. I am not saying that people do not change their intentions. I am asking if you are willing to wait for a man to want a serious relationship. Are you willing to suffer the consequences? This guy may decide to settle down eventually and chose not to do so with you. How will you cope? You might think that he used you and feel indignant for wasting your time, energy and interest on a man. Are you willing to put yourself to the test?
10. He is always busy. A man who is a workaholic or claims that he is busy with his career for u may not be the mate that you need in your life. This is the first stage of the relationship where a person is suppose to be giving their best and you are dating a man who does not have time for you. Can you imagine the relationship that you will have when you get serious and he feels as if he does not need to try hard to woo you anymore?
It should be noted that some men used the overly occupied claim as a shroud because they do not want to tell you that they do not want to spend time with you and that they are not interested in you. Some men pray that you will get the message and realized that they are not superbly busy but too busy for you.
There are many hard and fast in relationships. An individual has to ultimately know what he or she wants. Be prepared to deal with the results of the relationship you are pursuing if it goes sour. Remember you have been warned.