“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Monday, May 30, 2016
"What are your dreams like?" She asked.
"Your dreams tells me everything we need to know on a spiritual and psychological level!"
"I think you have been fixed!"
My eyes flew opened and i looked up at her.
"I am just having a bad day cause someone text me and ask me about my situation that dredged up bad feelings and bad memories!"
"I lost it for a moment!"
Sass shook her head.
"Even though we educated we cannot forget our roots"
"We will not deny the existence of good and evil"
"I have never thought your behaviour was normal!"
"I hope i am not the only one that shares that opinion!"
I chuckled. "Bones use to tell me all the time that them trick me!"
"It pulls me in like magnet to steel!"
"But it still is not getting me to do what they want me to do!"
"Couple other people in the community have implied it, not said it outright, more like hinted!"
Sass snickered. "Oh so i am not blind then!"
"Do you often feel confused!"
"Like you don't know what to do!"
I sighed. "In the past when we broke up, i often think that maybe if i give him what he wants then he would treat me better!"
"Then i tried to give him and it was never enough, it only bought me a good time for a week or less"
"I was confused because my mind was telling me to let this go and my other parts yearned for him!"
Sass nodded. "You don't feel confused now?"
I chuckled. "Nope, just anger and resentment!"
"I am more focused work wise!"
"I was closing this chapter long before the video fiasco!"
"Something just wasn't sticking anymore!"
"I tried to keep it open as long as i could!"
"Tell me about your dreams!" Sass said.
"Last night i dreamt that i was a child again!"
"Little girl in jeans skirt with my blouse tucked in!"
"I also dreamt i was in high school again!"
"There was a parade and a school march!"
"I saw Miss Wilson our lit teacher teaching out of a small wooded room!"
"In another section i dreamt that i was braiding my sister's hair and her hair scalp was greatfly disfigured!"
"I found that part rather disturbing!"
Sass smiled. "Sounds pretty normal!"
"I wake up in a calm most mornings!"
"Before this one, during a break up i would have nightmares and wake up restless and crying!"
"I haven't dreamt him once since we broke up!"
Sass grinned. "Your brain has been rewired!"
"It is because you are no longer trying subconciously to fix things!"
"Dreams are how we process what is happening in our daily lives!"
She pulled me into an embrace. "I am so proud of you!"
"Do not let them break you!"
"Everything that they are doing is to break you down!"
"Do not let this become the main focus of your life!"
"You have made so much progress!"
"Do not fall back now!"
She released me. "What did you say our Lit teacher taught out of?"
I shrugged. "A small wooden Box, the box was beside her and she was putting out clothes on the line beside it and somone said that is what she uses to decorate her classroom!"
Sass held her throat. "Miss Wilson represents a pastor!"
"The school uniforms, marching bands!"
"You just dreamt someone's funeral!"
I frowned. "Come to think of it!"
"That wooden box is shaped like an old time coffin!"
Crystal .A. Evans
If I Were A Bwoy
Friday, May 27, 2016
When there's a moment of gathering , there's a moment of departure.
When there's life, there's death.
Everything is bound to the law of impermanence.
Knowing yourself and knowing what the right thing to do for some is liken to putting a key in a lidless box halfway two centimeters from the inside bottom of the box.
They said the people we think about first thing in the morning are the ones we love. They lied. Each morning i woke up infuriated because i wanted to desperately hurt the ones i hate for the pain they put me through.
This hatred is consummate, it grows everyday like a lilly maturing from a stem to a bloom. It is as if every breath they take is an affront to me. Their mere existence boils my blood to a fiery broth.
But i know it is not my place to determine who lives and who dies. I understand the laws of nature and the cycle of life. It is what bars me from my worst self.
We are all just an angry outburst away from being a monster. Evil is in every one of us. Some wear it like a second skin, others like myself prefer to tuck it away in the far regions of our psyches. We keep our evil under control while some are controlled by the diabolic nature within them.
Circumstances made me what i am.
The Victim Card
People often remember what you did to them, but forgot what they did to you to push you to those limits. It is always easier to play victim than to fess up to being a contributor in the grand scheme of destruction. Nobody wants to be accountable, every one wants to point fingers until fingers start falling off. Then the truth comes out.
When lying can no longer justify hurting people. When the truth stinks so much, running away or manipulating others won't brook any sympathy. It doesn't matter how much one pretends, the true them always comes out eventually and those who sided with the liars' theatrics are put to shame.
So i learned to temper my anger. To quell this monster that grows inside me by rational thinking and cutting myself off from those who stir the inferno within me. I have relinquish my right to control everything that has happened to me, it is what fuels my current frustrations.
I likened my life to me being irritated that it is raining, where my dislike of precipitation means that i am unlikely ever to respond to one by screaming. My annoyance is tempered by what i understand i can expect from the climate. I have no control over it.
We aren’t overwhelmed by anger whenever we don’t get something we want; we do so only when we first believed ourselves fundamentally entitled to secure it – and then oddly did not. Our greatest furies spring from events which violate our sense of the ground-rules of existence.
I found serenity in a healthy dose of pessimism. A tranquility from embracing reality.
I have learnt to disappoint myself at leisure.
To wear my defenses down before the world slaps me with suprises that derails me from my purpose.
I start each day with a twenty minute deep breathing exercises, i train myself to be patient and understanding.
To be slow to judge and snail paced towards anger.
I pity the ones who hate me. The ones who placed a mark of death on me.
They might seem bullishly confident in their rage but i know deep inside they are hurting.
They rage in order to stop themselves from panicking and appearing weak.
They have no faith in their own capacity to survive frustration and recover equanimity despite some perhaps truly significant losses.
They lack a resilient sense of how – with sufficient patience, love and time – error and damage may be repaired, borne and overcome.
I feel sorry for them.
They see life as not growing, changing, evolving, maturing and overcoming.
They see life as merely win or lose.
I think of them with sympathy than scorn.
The Mad One
Crystal A. Evans
Wednesday, May 25, 2016
"Hey Saf why yuh crying"
I cradled the phone against my ear.
Sass sighed audibly. "Hey you are doing very well!"
"Do not regress!"
I shook my head. "Why does he hate me!"
"I haven't done him anything!"
"I worked hard for my money!"
"I've reached thus far without help from anyone!"
"I did my own research and created my own strategies for making my money!"
"He thinks he is entitled to it because we had sex!"
"The money isn't anything but how stupid am i to try and help someone that constantly humiliates and disrespects me"
"Now all he does is walk around and tell his hoodlums friends that i have money!"
"As if he is trying to set up my life!"
Sass let out another sigh. "I knew it would come to this!"
"Dre has lost a great deal!"
"He had a lot riding on this relationship!"
"He is furious!"
"He is using his friends to intimidate you!"
"Dre knows you might no longer value him but you value your life therefore he threatens like so many weak men do, what is most important to you"
"Do you know what i tell little girls in rural communities"
"I tell them don't settle in a relationship here before you go out and see the world"
"I tell them don't get pregnant, the minute you get pregnant you might end up settling for a man that five years from now, you will want nothing to do with him!"
"You see Ghetto men always a complain that we women from the ghetto with our education don't want them!"
"That we think we are better than them!"
"Dre is a fine example of why women should never date men from innercity communities"
"The minute you give one of those low lifes a chance in your life, they will only seek to destroy you!"
"Because they are weak men, they are insecure! them badmind women for showing them up!"
I stopped crying.
"I know about the settling part!"
"You either outgrow them mentally or you realize that you do not share the same life goals!"
"You start having regrets!"
"Realize that you just wasted the last few years of your life!"
"Because you had a baby and settled"
"Story of my life!"
Sass chuckled. "Ah sah!"
"So what grim rim tale is Dre and his cronies spinning now!"
"He has some serious issues!"
"He is the type that when he can't control you, he attempts to control how people think or feel about you!"
"He bemsirches your character!"
"He thinks he wins that way!"
"How me marked for death!"
"How me fe dash weh long time as if me anno nobody!"
"How when me diss the "dawg", me diss them!"
"Still can't figure out how that part works!"
"I didn't know i dissed anyone by leaving Dre after he has done so many horrible things to me!"
Sass let out a low peal of laughter.
"He is right!"
"You were marked for death from the day you let that bwoy put his dick in you!"
"He has done nothing but sorround himself with negativity and has invited his negativity into your life"
"You have to close this door permanently with scant regards for the outcome!"
"I know you sometimes feel afraid but remember things coulda always worst!"
"This person does nothing but try to foment or facilitate your demise!"
"Dre's way of getting back at you, He tries to corrupt his friends and family against you!"
"This has been his memo from day one!"
"Time will eventually show his true face to them!"
I scoffed. "They knew half the shit, i did, Them wudda nevah even par wid him!"
Sass burst into loud guffaws. "Well i always knew it!"
"I was not the least bit surprised"
"He fits the prototype with his anger issues!"
I sucked my teeth. "Why can't they see him for the monster he is!"
"I think his mom and his family knows, they are just in denial!"
"Like most families, they try to hide their black sheep until it turns on them!"
"They think you provoke his wrath as if at any given time Dre doesn't give any of them a tongue lashing!"
"Dre has succeeded in gaining a ban of loyal fans that are only loyal to a lie"
"I do not how i could support a person for killing his child's mother or beating her senseless"
"And still go to church!"
"Them people deh praying to a different god!"
"They are mad at you for the truth!"
"So you let them be!"
"You close those doors permanently and only then you will find peace!"
If I Were a Bwoy
Crystal A. Evans