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Crystal Evans Books

“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Sunday, April 28, 2013

Every Woman has the exact relationship she wants!

Andrea is angry because her boyfriend refuses to look a job or at least permanent employment. She claims she loves him but recently she no longer relish shouldering the bills and watching him gorge down her hard earn money like an obese gluttonous child. Her resentment is brimming over and she now finds herself snapping at him when he sleeps late in the mornings or if he drinks the entire jug of fruit juice in a day then calls to remind her that she needs to pick up one at the supermarket when she is coming home from work. She does not want to tell him to be economical with the consumption of their resources since her meager earnings can barely cover their expenses and bills. She does not want to hurt his feelings but lately she feels like she is going to explode any minute now. She contends that he is a good man but she cannot baby him anymore and is considering moving out of their shared apartment. She is worrying about how he is going to fare when she is gone and this consternation has prevented her from taking the necessary action to leave a relationship that is crippling her financially. She muses that she probably will spend the same amount when she is alone but she will have no one to blame but herself. What should Deandra do? She needs to have a talk with her partner: the fact that she has not said anything about his unemployment givers him the impression that she is ok with him not satisfying some of the financial needs of their relationship. Men easily get complacent if they think you are okay with whatever they are dishing out. Your man cannot read your mind. You need to make him know what you want out of a relationship and where he stops short. Asking your partner to find a job is not towing the line. You are not asking him to do the impossible. You are simply insisting that he becomes a responsible, contributing partner. If you leave one relationship without resolving the issues, you may end up with a new partner and settle for the same faux paus you did in your previous union. Some women with low self esteem insist on becoming the bread winner because they are afraid if their man goes out in the world that he will find someone else. They “baby the man” and when harsh economical times arrive or they realize that feeding an adult male is far more difficult than they may have anticipated. You might lose your partner if you insist that you need more from your relationship but it’s often for the best. It’s like cutting off a gangrenous arm before it spreads so that you can live forever.