“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Monday, September 29, 2014
The Standards other women sets for us...
Those who like me, raise your hand and for those who don't, raise your standards.
I remember standing one night years ago waiting on an male admirer. He told me that he would be there by Eight Pm and he did not show up until an hour later by then i had headed back home. I called him several times before the 15 minute window i will give a man for showing up late and he did not respond and by then i knew he was either not showing up or he will be fashionably late. My female friend came on the scene and demanded to know why i was upset with the man for being late.
She asked me if i really think i was powerful or that important to insist that a man be tardy. I was taken aback by her response and our friendship has never been the same since that day. I asked her in furious tone.
"Only women who are celebrities should insist that a man be honest and tardy?"
" Only popular and very attractive women should be treated with respect and have men return their calls?"
" Only 'important' people should insist on higher dating standards?"
I was forced to question whether she was insinuating that i was not in a position to insist that this young man be early and if he cannot be early at least be honest. Or perhaps she somehow thought that because i was not in the same social bracket as the aforementioned young man that he was entitled to some kind of special treatment. Now i know why women like her are perennially in predicaments with men because as soon as a man is of a certain calibre, as in appears financially secure, attractive and displays social gratification, the average Jamaican girl bends over back ways to get his attention. They will reduce if not eliminate their relationship needs and dating standards to accommodate this man because they are convinced that if they make this process easy and convenient for him then he will chose them over the females who are giving him a hard time.
Yes he might be inclined to choose her but he will not stay with her. This is not a concept founded on malignance and bashing. It is a fact. It happens everyday. The proof of the pudding is not in the looking but in the tasting.
I wrote to one young lady living in the British Virgin Islands after she read one of my books.
"I feel terrible for those women who gave men the impression that these are the standards you treat a lady by..I feel sad for them, more so i feel sad for me...for every male i meet i have to teach him to respond to me differently from the way he is accustom to, guide him from the stereotypes other women encouraged. The lies women told these men and the lies they now expect from me. Women are other women's worst Enemies"
Every Man Deserves A Good Jacket...
I receive emails from American women complaining about how frustrating their relationship with their Jamaican men can be. It is at that very moment that i understood where they were coming from. Women like my friend are the reasons why men think it is okay to do anything and act anyhow because even if you or i insist on higher standards for every one of us he can find ten of them. We cannot compete with the stereotypes they encouraged because they are too many of them and too little of us.
My friend went on to create a checklist of the things she supposed was wrong with me and i assume was to hint that probably that was the reason why my date was late. I was not wearing waist length weaves, my face was dark and i had on my glasses for i was in the middle of writing when he called me. She assumed that the key to getting a man to commit was looking the best you can so that he will want to own you as one of his gaudy possessions. I could see the rationale in what she was saying but i do not know one girl who has managed to get any well adjusted, intellectual and ambitious man to stick around by virtue of looking like a fake black barbie. Well you get them to look and you might get them to sleep with you but how many will date you or commit seriously to you. The proof of the pudding is in the eating and those who manage to get a man to commit are the exception to the rule and not the rule.
There is a huge misconception among young Jamaican woman that the prerequisite to a committed relationship is to bring your best face forward. It is not working and it is evident in the many baby mothers at the public clinic without a supporting partner and babyfather. It is discernible in the numerous single parent homes headed by women. It is cognizant in the number of older women who are bitter, misandric and encourage anti-male sentiments in their narratives with younger women. The tactics that we have been using to get men is not working. Too many generations have tried these techniques only to end up poor with babies that have no father. Clearly these misconceptions need to be debunked as soon as possible.