“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Getting over Your Man Crushes and the Fairy Tale Complex
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.People are consistent with who they want to be consistent with. It’s as simple as that...
People sometimes complain that my books are a little bit too melodramatic, that females cry too much and i often create basic male characters with little development. I told a lady recently that i wrote books for the woman who some man caused emotional distress by telling her she was not good enough. I wanted to build real life heroines who've been through it all and still came out stronger that before who refused to be broken by love's sting. I want women to go back to a place of empowerment instead of enduring long term emotional burn from the men who turn their heads away from their advances.
I once had a crush on a younger man, i believe i liked the idea of him and not necessarily who he was because i did not know him. It was more of a fantasy. He represented something more deeper and sinister than i was ever inclined to admit. Sometimes i look at him and i would think he is ugly or his wardrobe is unattractive, i loathed the way he carried himself like a thug but he was a doppelgänger for my dead cousin. I had always admired him from a distance until i got a friend suggestion from Facebook and recognized him. I added him in pique curiosity as to associating with this human being who reminded me so much of a loss loved one.
He was courteous at first and when i told him the reason why i added him, he was polite and said he heard that several times. He like most young men within a working class setting with a little money harboured these warped sense of entitlement and a distorted notion of irresistibility. The more i entertained him, the more he surfaced aspects of his personality that i noted were serious deterrents. He was very much still a child and we were polar opposites.
I was not looking for a relationship, i saw no future in our association. He was not the kind of person that i could take places with me and yet my interest in him somehow translated along the lines of something bigger than himself. I made a pact with myself several years ago not to date men from my "Ghetto" community not because i think i am superior to them but because i have been frustrated too many times by trying to educate, impress and validate them. These men complain that intellectual women are arrogant and dismissive and yet they often chase them away with their indecorous behavior.
But did he chase me away or was i all along mispercieving his courtesy as interest. How can you say someone is interested in you when he never calls, he has never offered his number, he has visited your backyard ten times per week and has never once requested a date with you and if you do not text him then he doesn't text you. He might think i am probably stupid but i am not, these teenage battles that women grapple with in their understanding of male behaviour does not go away with age and they become even more intense when you really like or you are infatuated with someone. I am a date doctor, i do not miss hints. These are the same pointers i pontificate on my sites daily. Why would a disinterest by a fairly attractive, average intelligent and well adjusted teenage boy miss me. I wanted to wring the situation for what it worth and see how long it would take before his unsavory side emerged and it did not take long.
I tell a woman that when she is not getting the attention she seeks from a man it is never primarily because he wants to hurt her feelings but he is basically doing what he knows best. His response is intuitive, involuntary without intent, he is not interested and men do not have time to play and pretend. Their range of interest is very limited so if he is not interested he cannot afford to invest even a one second text to say hi to you. That is the kinda of currency you judge a man by. What he is willing to do to get to you. If he is not doing anything then he is not worth your stock.
I made this story apart of my new book on Relationships dubbed " The Fairy Tale Complex" to emphasize the meaning of having your feelings grounded in reality than on some fantasy. In hindsight there was nothing in this young man's behavior that signalled an interest in me. I was mainly frustrated, angry and resentful of him for treating me with blatant disregard. I realized that he didn't do anything to me. I did it to myself by seeing a tree and thinking it is a forest.
Grown women do mess up for love and emotions are turbulent feelings that we sometimes have fragile influence over. We will in our impassioned state forget that we have limited control over other people's feelings, we can only direct our own.Do not feel bad about it. It is a testament to our humanity and not something to be ashamed of. Even your love interest at some point in their lives, have loved people who did not return their affection. Your feelings my be unique to you but it happens everyday. Do not sweat it.
"I don't want you if you only want me for yourself. Sometimes you think you like someone but what you really like is the idea of them, what they represent , a figment of a fantasy. To find out if your affections are grounded in reality. Take a step back and allow destiny to take its course."
I went through a Fairly Tale Complex moment, one i have not done for a long time in my life. A male friend responded when i asked for his input that " Young men like to chase, not being chased". I could not understand these games.If you like someone and you cannot be honest and vulnerable with that person then who are you suppose to show your softer side to. I concluded that if you someone rebuffs your affections then that person was not meant for you. You cannot want someone who does not want you. You cannot force someone to like you.
I won't deny that a snide rejection, blatant or underhand by a man even the ones we think are beneath us will not rattle our confidence. You are human and it is perfectly okay to grieve for what could have been. A recipe for being bitter and anti-interactive around other men is to hold on to the resentful feelings you endured by the your admirer's recant. Weeep, lock your self inside your house for a few days and lick your wounds. When you feeling better, get out there and get back into the game. Boss Chicks do not react, they simply replace.
Buy This Book for only 2.99 and read
Available on Kobo, Inook, Itunes, Google, Kindle and Ibook
Ten Things Your Mother Should Have Told You About Dating (Jamaica Date Doctor Series Book 2)