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“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Thursday, October 2, 2014

Equal opportunity Dater and the Fairy Tale Complex

I have always considered myself an equal opportunity dater in that i allow most men i find fairly attractive an opportunity to talk to me with scant regard for his
status in life and financial position. But i have noticed a trend in my observation of relationships and recent discussions with women have unearthed a possible stigmatization attached to women who date men outside of their social class.

Some men ( not all) assume that because you are in a relationship with a poor man that it means you are (1) Insecure (2) unable to find a better man (3) Vulnerable (4) has low self esteem and self confidence (5) have low relationship standards.

My first boyfriend when i was around eighteen was a construction worker and most if not everyone near and far, related and unrelated in my life thought this young man was not good enough to associate it. They claim that someone of my status and smarts should not settle for somebody who was poor and from the Ghetto.
Men who were financially well off tried to bribe me into a relationship with them by offering me gifts which they knew that my partner would be unable to afford. One gentleman went as far as calling me "Poor and Boasy" for choosing to remain in a relationship with a man who still lived with his mother instead of being lured into arms of a drugs man. It is funny that he thought himself in a position to discredit my partner when if it was not for his illegal business he would have been a struggling young man like him. It is funny how people think possessing money regardless of how one came by it automatically made them superior.
That was basically the icing on the cake. The men i met automatically assumed that if i remained with a man who could afford me nothing, then it meant that i was giving him all my money and therefore they could get some too. One flagrantly demanded that i give him half of the money that i was working and give the other half to my man. I was not seen as a woman of virtue but a fool to remain in a relationship with a man that was grossly financially embarrassed.

Then i heard these same men complaining that women only wanted money and yet when a a girl remains with a man who does not have money to pimp, pamper and spoil her then she is an idiot. A woman to choosing to stay with a man who wants her instead of chasing men who were not sincerely interested in her was branded a fool. A fool for not competing with other women for scarce resources. Why was i even surprised that these men assumed something was wrong with women who slept with men without compensation in the morning, It was evident that more than half of the women they dated were only with them for money. They could not understand the concept of mutual attraction and i had placed more confidence in their reasoning capability than i aught to. I have a penchant for giving others benefit of the doubt, often judging their action based on my convictions. I am having a hard time deprogramming my mind from doing that.

What did this little boy do that made him more qualified than all the money this drug dealer had? He had no reservations about hanging out my panties on the line. I could send him to the supermarket to purchase my sanitary pads and he would not be offended. He had no hang ups about cooking my dinner and he allowed me to go wherever i wanted to. He never tried to control me or abuse me. He only lacked one thing a decent job and financial stability. He valued my opinions and he was always making decisions, taking into consideration my reactions and feelings. He was not the perfect man but he was good enough.

Now I know a lot of women who leave their eighty percent man to have this man who looks like a hundred because he treats her nice in the beginning and he has money. Only to find out that he was only pretending to get her into bed and that the only thing really nice about him was that he could afford to spend lavishly on her. It is a known fact that the narcissistic tendencies of wealthy men makes them abusive partners and give rise to toxic relationships. I am not saying that all men with money are bad partners. In truth the way a man makes his money says a lot about his character.
I am not encouraging women to date men who cannot satisfy the financial needs of their families. You can have a relationship with a man who is not rich if he shows sign of luxuriance. If he appears to be someone who is a working progress, who evinces signs of growth and has expressed attainable futuristic goals, then a woman can give that person a chance. You must also know `if you will can suffer the fall out if this man never comes to fruition. If he is unable to achieve his goals, will you be wiling to stay with him regardless. It said that not all that glitters is gold. Some women date financially ruined men because they offer an alternative kind of security than men with money.

N.B Ladies do you realize that when a man complains about your choice of mate. If you look at it closely if you should raise your standards as they insist you do then that would also eliminate them from even being eligible to be your partner. Just think about people saying whom a successful blogger should be dating as oppose to who she should not and half the men complaining do not even qualify...


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