Data Science and AI in the JCF

I wrote this post here because i know only people looking for my long time writing will find it. so i had this idea from recent kidnappings in my area. if a victim is kidnapped: If this guy has the latest iPhone, it still can track when it turn off or access his iCloud is needed I think. also the last set of people weh call him… see if their phones ping coordinates match his etc. If any of them phones ping in the same region as his from him disappeared, track that phone. Idk Data matching and cross referencing This is where AI is needed in the Jamaica Constabulary Force… plug it into the standard operating procedures, optimize it with sophisticated automation / api calls and AI logic. AI or AI logic could maths this long time… 🤣🤣🤣geolocation data of recent callers, identify callers weh might inna the same time frame or scope their calls to see who a call dem etc, analyse and find common coordinates/information… i asked chatgpt if my opinion was correct and see chatgpt responses.

Mama On a Sunday Evening

The midday light filters through the open doorway, casting a warm glow over the modest space. An elderly woman sits in a white plastic chair, her frail frame draped in a loose grey T-shirt and a flowing brown skirt adorned with faded floral patterns. Her hands, gnarled by time, move with deliberate precision as she picks apart the remnants of a meal—bones laid neatly on the pale blue plate resting on her lap, each fragment a quiet testament to a meal well relished. A soft blue satin bonnet, slightly askew, holds back the wiry silver strands of her hair. Her dark skin, lined with the deep etchings of experience, contrasts against the muted tones of her clothing. She leans forward, cradling a translucent plastic bowl in one hand while the other guides a morsel of food to her lips. There is no rush in her movement, only the patient reverence of someone who understands the value of each bite. Beyond her, the room hums with the quiet dignity of a life lived simply. A well-worn bed, draped in mismatched sheets, rests against the wall, while a deflated football lies abandoned on the tiled floor, a silent witness to the passing of time. A wooden shelf in the background holds everyday essentials—small echoes of a home shaped by necessity rather than indulgence. There is something poetic in her solitude, in the way she eats—not just for sustenance, but with a kind of unspoken gratitude, a silent communion between her and the meal before her. It is a moment unadorned yet profound, an intimate glimpse into a world where love is measured in simple rituals and life is lived without extravagance but with quiet grace.

Happy Birthday My Princess

I have a special love for Bronx.
Maybe when I said that her daddy interpreted it to mean I didn’t love our son.
He doesn’t understand.
I had Bronx at one of the lowest points in my life, emotionally and psychologically. 
When I had my first child 9 years ago, I thought I’d grow up, Bronx has made me mature in ways I had not when I had Paris.
Sometimes I’d sit and my mind wanders off, cause me is a thinker, my mind works differently.
My bronkkie will come and interrupt my train of thoughts.
“Mimmy a wah do u mimmy?”
Her voice lulls me back to reality.
First time she said it, i almost cried.
She wasn’t even two years old.
“Me good Bronx, a think me a think”
Bronx I’ve discovered has my heart, she is very loving, caring and compassionate and for that I am grateful.
Bronx doesn’t know or maybe she figure it out because I don’t know what’s on my face when I go on my mind’s journey.
That since she came into my life that I have been through hell and I’ve had to care for her the utmost way while going through my storms.
I have a different level of appreciation for single parents, jah know it ruff sometimes.
I remember days I couldn’t buy her diapers and her daddy lived up the road and I couldn’t call him.
I remember when my landlord gave us hell and I had to find a place for her to put her tiny head.
I remember when I had issues with the bank and had to feed her sugar and water to keep hungry out of her belly and I couldn’t call her father.
This year she said she wanted to be like Frozen princess.
Bronkkie if snow a something me could a buy and ship come here you would have snow for this day.
But no worry yourself my second princess, next year god’s willing, me a bring you to the snow.
Happy third Birthday baby
Mommy loves you.

80/20 Rule

I was telling a client that the 80/20 phenomena goes so much deeper than just switching black monkey for black puss. Like a female leaves one guy cause he's broke and end up with a next guy with similar characteristics plus money. Like this chick doesn't like lazy men absolutely abhors guys who hang out, lay in bed all day and watch TV types, bum life. Then she meets a new guy and discovers in a few years that he's also that type but she excuses his behavior because at least he ain't broke. Then he goes broke and she realizes all along she just didn't want a broke man. Now he ain't got no money, she don't want him. Mama doesn't want a broke man. He can be anything, he better be making some cheddar. Hmmm

A dog is a dog regardless of the owner

Women are other women’s worst enemies.
Even I am guilty of that.
Five years ago a guy I was with had two girlfriends, the other girl throw word on Facebook, said all sort of shit, till this day she still hates me.
One day she call me and tell me all sort of things.
The guy knew she was going to call me for he came to see me.
I remember I said to him, the girl so confident that you will remain with her after she tells me these things, wah yuh tell her so?
He went back to her house and him mussi beat her up then he came back to mine.
He slept there.
The next day, my mother said to me, you shudda neva mek him stay her, crystal you shud a send him home after him go beat up that girl.
When I told my female friends, Shanda, Charm and Sass, Shar told me the same thing, a slackness me keep up.
It bother me cause something told me sooner or later, this guy gone shame me for supporting his slackness.
It happened, as karma would have it, four years later, another woman calls me.
He didn’t chose me this time, he chose her and every little thing that little girl told me he texted her and tell her, him text me and tell me same things.
I knew it was coming cause one day him tell me that him left that girl for me, I knew he was rethinking, he was having regrets.
Karma took another turn, for I live to see or rather hear how him do the one after me.
A dog is a dog regardless of the owner.

People have relationships for different reasons

I get stories from women I meet everyday through mutual friends, online from my page. I use their experiences as muse for my stories.
A young lady from my BPO told me that her guy was cheating on her, she said she discovered that while she was at work, he had some teenager at home.
She told me last night that it’s not the cheating that bothers her so much than how she thought she was being a whole woman to him, why would he spend his days with this little gal.
I related a story from my own experience to her.
You see I fell completely out of love with a man when he chose another woman over me. (That for me is like a kryptonite, once you openly own someone else, it’s a wrap”)
I told her one day we (this ex and I) were talking and the guy told me, he knew what he was getting into, he knew how bar girls stay but him did control that one.
I told her I remembered that part of the conversation where he said “he controlled her”.
I told her just as how you are wondering what could he see in this adolescent over you, I wondered the same thing until he told me, “him did control so and so”
The next thing I thought.
“Him neva want control me”
“Me in all my glory and smarts and resourcefulness”
“Instead he sought to tear me down”
“He could not appreciate me”
“Or maybe I didn’t give him something to control”
“He had a good woman, opted to control bad gal”

I explained to her that maybe her guy sees something in the little girl he doesn’t see in you, people have relationship for different reason, some for sex, convenience, money, myriad of factors.

I also told her, one day I saw the man’s new woman in stocking and uniform.
I realized he didn’t accept her work life, he wanted something better and she opted to fit into that mold.

I think relationships are psychological warfares and a lot of people are suffering from post traumatic stress disorders.
We tie so much of our worth to the outcomes of our relationship.
It’s not just an internal battle. It’s external too, people judge you, attach labels to you based on how your personal life pans out.
So we see a failed relationship, even after you gave it your best as a sign of overall failure and make a transitioning situation, a life tragedy.

Women helping other women by listening

There is nothing more powerful than women guiding other women to access their power, purpose and joy.
Becoming accountable for my life choices, setting standards and ideals, getting much needed feedback from a standpoint of neutrality, surrounding myself with people who are not comfortable with seeing me self sabotage or playing small is my overall aspiration for this year and beyond.
I want to live the best version of my life, not disconnected from my purpose or shoehorned into the narrow ideals of waste people narrative.
I am a listener for my friends, I am the one they come to with their messy lives, I point them to the light for they know I’ve had some pretty dark days myself.
I tell them that in the end, you come out stronger, ride the waves, you can fight it and suffer through it or you can accept your situation and grow through it. If talking to me helps you cope, I am an ear away.
I’ve lost people who were nothing short of a disappointment, truth is they weren’t meant to go into this new phase with me.
Now I have friends that offer me a clear mirror, people who hold space for me to process my feelings, people who complement not disconnect me from my intuitive wisdom. People who have helped me to find me, in recent times I was a shadow of myself. They reined me in, helped me return to myself.

I found clarity.
I am the key to my own bliss.

Safe house for Women in Jamaica

Maybe we should start a GoFundMe to create a safe house in Jamaica for abused women and girls.
Safe houses are so important and women have to look out for each other. Why are we so divisive?
We are all susceptible and vulnerable to anything that happens to another woman.
Even women who choose to live celibate lives-without men are not safe because if a woman is financially secured and attractive some man might feel entitled to her time and body.
How can women protect themselves? Abuse and mistreatment of women is a global problem that is so deep and cut across all class lines.
We are neither safe as girls, nor are we safe as women.
I have nothing against males, I only speak as a female.

Support groups are good to to get women together to support each other confidentially in a safe place where they will not be judged or spread gossip like single mom support groups and parenting support groups and also women need financial support in the way of job training to get better wages (fair wages) and better jobs to support their families independently.
It is also really hard to build something like that and also to run it safely!! So as not to add additional trauma!! Traumatized people living together can be more of a challenge!! And also Good Staff to run it!! But I think it is a really good idea!! To build safe affordable housing for Women and Girls or Single Moms and Youth at Risk!!

Food Banks and Community Gardens and Community Kitchens also help take the pressure off Financially
Also Free Medical Care and Dentist. A lot of food is wasted at the hotels, maybe there could some arrangements with school or churches to have that food given to the poor.
It’s worth a try albeit Jamaicans have a way of exploiting and misusing systems.

Also educating kids early on in school about how to have healthy relationships and stuff is helpful cause the Men need to take repsonsiblility but also we need to change the culture in which they are learning these things in society and stuff

Safe Houses are good temporarily to get women and kids in a safe place but then they need a long term solution so they don’t remain vulnerable!

He is not taking care of his son

Crystal,
A few months ago I was attending the Montego Bay chapter of the University of the West Indies.
Now i am at home with my six-month-old son, trying to grow him up, the best way i can.
His father comes and sees him but hardly and even if he does come around, he has to do so without his mother knowing.
His mother says my son is a jacket.
When i got pregnant, he stopped talking to me.
He said he did not want anything to do with me and the baby.
It was the hardest 9 months of my life.
I was in love with him.
I left school. I did not have much up to the time of my baby's birth.
But my mother helped out.
I am raising my son on my own.
It is hard.
I just think that maybe if his mother was more supportive, he would have been a better father.
She does not like me.
I do not know why.
I love my son.
All when they put me through hell i love my baby.
How can someone be evil to a child.
My son has never done anything to this woman.
My mother thinks i should forget about them and move on with my life.
I am trying but it is hard.


In the midst of chaos, pain and global terror, the miracle of life persists.
This Kim is my Saint...
Tears flooded my eyes as i watch him move his hands on the sonogram screen.
The doctor said that he looked great, a little precocious (that is inherited) and big for his 14 weeks+
My extension, i don't know where my heart begins or where his ends.

I knew i cared about him when one morning, i slipped and fell on my butt, i immeadiately went into panic mode.
I wanted him to be okay.
My Zahir. It scares me.
I understand your situation Kim.
I am afraid.
I am bringing him into a less than favourable situation.
I have not heard from his father in three months.
He has gone unresponsive to my sporadic text messages about the baby.
It hurts.
Maybe i deserve his abandoment for whatever just reason his small mind comes up with.
But to hurt a child.
He not the first child, Dre hurts.
It is a pity i had found no comfort or victory when Ivy complained of his less than adequate paternal involvement in his son's life nor his exes complains of recurrent abortions.
I felt slightly advantageous (stupid based on what i already knew) when he aggresively pursued this baby issue with his constant appearances with pregnancy test and demanded i give him a baby.
I scoffed.
I stupidly fell for that again.
Dre wanted a baby with me because he hoped i might be more generous with his latest endeavours.
He wanted a child, because he thinks i will pay him to be it's father.
It is warped idea, something i suspected but cemented when he abandoned the prospect of fatherhood as soon as i decided i was not going to give him the millions he demanded.
Dre should know that no amount of kindness will make him a better man and no amount of babies would let make me subsist his lifestyle.
Dre represents everything that is wrong with this society.
Women like me empitomizes the true essence of stupidity that fuels "everything that is wrong with this society"

My mother said "The same stick weh lick black snake ago rass the yellow one to"
Dre has not spoken to his other son in almost a year, he did not even bother to call his child and wish him happy birthday.
My mother said if he did not care for the one is here, why would he be even remotely concerned about the one that is not born.
My mother equally could not understand how Eunice the purveyor of morality and values did not see it fit to encourage her "Unsullied" son to take up his paternal repsonsibilities.
But who am i kidding.
Eunice had blatantly told me that Dre told her he had no intention whatsoever of taking care of the previous child that died prematurely.
She had said it with such coldness and sneer in her voice.
I could hear now.
I had shuddered everytime i thought about it.
She said it in such a way as if she fully supported what her son remarked.
I could not fathom how any woman, or a woman who raised several children on her own could champion such a notion.
But such is life.

Whether we like to believe it or not. Women are the cornerstone of society.
I have not studied one social malady of our society without inference to a females contribution to the regression and progression, vice versa of this society.
Nine out of ten men i know do not take care of their children because his mother thinks it is not his...
Nine out of ten gun men have mothers who live in denial and smother their sons, mothers who are first to run to their rescues, girlfriend's homes that they use as refuge and sisters for errands.
seven out of ten children are born to single mothers because of irresponsible sexual choices and paternal abandoment.
Most women hate their mother in laws, It is pathetic that women raise their sons to be just like the no good bastards that left them.

I will tell you as i have often told my ex.
I will not compete with any woman for her son but i will remind her that she wil not always be here for him, it is these said children that she declares he does not support, whom will take care of him when he becomes a child again.
Once a man, twice a child. His Children shall be the mother of his old age.


Herein you and i have a challenge, raising boys with feelings of resentment and bitterness towards thier fathers trying to love a child in the midst of pain and shame is a difficult feat. It is not easy and many before us have failed miserably. I know you are angry, it is kind of anger i hear in the voices of women at the women's center or health clinic trying to put on a brave face when asked about thier child's father.
I see it on the face of women selling on the roadsides, hustling in the markets, working, studying, trying to make their lives better so that they can provide for their fatherless children. While daddy moves on to "fresh meat" only to repeat this cycle in less than a year.

It is painful.
It will take months, even years to get over those feelings.
You and I have only felt it once, others have gone through it several times over.
I encourage you to be strong for tommorrow's future is in our hands.
Your son needs you more than that man.
You cannot sit down, complain and wait for him to change, some men do, some do not ever grow up.
He is still your child, therefore your responsibility.

Who is to tell?
You might be nursing the next Courtney walsh, Usain Bolt or Bruce Golding.
Irrespective of his father's desertion, give him the best start in life, as your circumstances allow.
Keep
Your head up
Crystal.

Dear You...

Dear You,
I choose not to call your name but i am sorry.
I am sorry that in my quest to make you love me, you have only hated me.
I only wanted you to be a better person, i had hoped that by associating with me,
Me forcing you to see the world through my purview that you could become a better version of yourself,
instead you have only become worst.
I am not sorry because i think i was wrong, i am merely saying i am sorry as a way of acknowledging my contribution to our decline.
I do not wish to leave it all solely at your feet, i fought you, the combat had always been with myself.
There was something deeper, greater than i struggled with in me that manifested with you.
I am sorry.

Pregnant and Fed UP! Woman Scorned Book

Hey
I love your writing and I admire you a lot.
My baby father is the love of my life. We together from school days.
I got pregnant for him and dropped out at eleven grade.
I went to live with him and his family.
Things changed and he started making money from scamming.
That youth make me walk in the drizzle rain with my big belly and he drive pass me with a bag a man in his car.
He just changed overnight, he don't come home often and we stop having sex.
Sometimes i just stay out of his way because i do not want him to throw me out cause i could not afford to go back to my people's place.
When i have the baby, doctor say i need blood and would you believe that he didn't come or offer to give me blood. He only come register the baby and left.
When time for me to take the baby to six day clinic, he did not offer to take me, I walk with the baby there.
Imagine my man has a car, i have a young baby and he woudn't even help out with the baby.
I find out he has other women, heard he gives them hundred dollar Us Bills.
While if i ask him for anything, it is a big argument before i can get it.
I live with him, cook his dinner and wash his dirty clothes.
I am a pregnant again.
He hardly comes home.
I am so depressed and unhappy.
I am just twenty years old.
Me too young to be this stress.
Sometimes I feel like just pack up and left.
Just so fed up. Me deh with him when him have nothing. Now him treat me like me not somebody.
Me give up so much to be with him, all when my mother don't like him.
My mom hardly speak to me anymore.
Just so unhappy.

Dear Fed Up.
Let me tell you a story or two about me. I helped a man build a house that i will never live in. My ex was in a scary situation and me tek car go fe him inna night in a very volatile community and him same one end up set up him hoodlum friends on me. When my ex was in an accident and sick, i tried as much as possible to offer him comfort and care in his time of discomfort. By the time his wounds healed, he was running me from his house. I gave my ex so many gifts, he has never bought me anything. He once offered to buy me a watch and i end up paying for the damn watch myself. He impregnated me and left me repeatedly. He has corrupted his family and friends against me. I have lost the love and admiration of family and friends simply because i kept going back to this man. I have done some many things for him, put up with a lot, sacrificed much and he would sooner see me dead than alive. I have done more for him than anyone in his life in that short span of time.

I replayed that to you say that it does not matter how much you have invested in a relationship, you never too far gone down the road to turn back. You should never settle. yes you have two babies and you feel lost but you still young. You can still bounce back. If your mother loves you and you explain the situation to her. She will gladly receive you. You are fairly intelligent. You have capability, go back to school and try a make something of your life for you and your children. I can tell you are not in love anymore. That is good. It is first step for getting out of your coffin situation.

I am not perfect by a long shot and i understand your perspective because i used to be that girl that thinks if people are hurting me then it means that i must be doing something wrong. In response i would give more of myself, in hopes that it would change the situation,instead it only exacerbated it.

Things changed when i discovered that it was a gruelling and self destructive job to try and change people, what i did instead was to change myself and my reaction to them. One of the things i did was adapt a position of No Contact. I simply cut off anyone that does not have my best interest at heart. I found peace. You are young. You can find peace too. If you do not nip this shit here in the bud from now, five years down the line and five boyfriends later, you gonna end up with the same story over and over again.

You cannot change this boy. Only life and time can teach him. In the midst of my struggle for personal tranquility, i realized that i changed, the people that hurt me didn't. They were the same people i met a year or so ago. I had morphed into someone else. I made their negative impact on my life into something positive. I had gone up a level or two, and based on their "still" reaction to me, they were at the same place i met them.

When i was a teenager, my stepmother used to tell me that a lot of girls went to my "TRADITIONAL" high school and came out with zero subjects. It was a psychological mechanism aimed at distracting me from my true aspirations. I found out that i spent far more time concentrating on what she said than studying.

Until one morning while walking across the "Ball field" with a pan of water, i told myself that if i fail, people are gonna remember that a brilliant girl like me failed my exams, no one will care what my stepmother said or what anyone said for that matter. My life is my responsibility. In order to counteract failure, i would simply try harder, study more. If and when i fail. It should only be on my terms. Let me look back and say i didn't do enough.

People are going to remember that you got stuck where you are now. People will hold you accountable for you failures. I want you to disappoint every one that thinks your life is over. I want you to put them to shame.

N.B Word of advice, these fast money men are some of the worst men to ever be in a relationship with, their egos are large and their minds are generally small and that my dear is a recipe for disasters. Steer clear.
kEEP YOUR HEAD UP.
Crystal.

Sass Therapy

Sass massaged the temples of my head and i closed my eyes, resting my head chin down on the table.
"What are your dreams like?" She asked.
"Your dreams tells me everything we need to know on a spiritual and psychological level!"
"I think you have been fixed!"

My eyes flew opened and i looked up at her.
"Fixed?"
"I am just having a bad day cause someone text me and ask me about my situation that dredged up bad feelings and bad memories!"
"I lost it for a moment!"

Sass shook her head.
"Even though we educated we cannot forget our roots"
"We will not deny the existence of good and evil"
"I have never thought your behaviour was normal!"
"I hope i am not the only one that shares that opinion!"

I chuckled. "Bones use to tell me all the time that them trick me!"
"It pulls me in like magnet to steel!"
"But it still is not getting me to do what they want me to do!"
"Couple other people in the community have implied it, not said it outright, more like hinted!"

Sass snickered. "Oh so i am not blind then!"
"Do you often feel confused!"
"Like you don't know what to do!"

I sighed. "In the past when we broke up, i often think that maybe if i give him what he wants then he would treat me better!"
"Then i tried to give him and it was never enough, it only bought me a good time for a week or less"
"I was confused because my mind was telling me to let this go and my other parts yearned for him!"

Sass nodded. "You don't feel confused now?"

I chuckled. "Nope, just anger and resentment!"
"I am more focused work wise!"
"I was closing this chapter long before the video fiasco!"
"Something just wasn't sticking anymore!"
"I tried to keep it open as long as i could!"

"Tell me about your dreams!" Sass said.

"Last night i dreamt that i was a child again!"
"Little girl in jeans skirt with my blouse tucked in!"
"I also dreamt i was in high school again!"
"There was a parade and a school march!"
"I saw Miss Wilson our lit teacher teaching out of a small wooded room!"
"In another section i dreamt that i was braiding my sister's hair and her hair scalp was greatfly disfigured!"
"I found that part rather disturbing!"

Sass smiled. "Sounds pretty normal!"

"I wake up in a calm most mornings!"
"Before this one, during a break up i would have nightmares and wake up restless and crying!"
"I haven't dreamt him once since we broke up!"

Sass grinned. "Your brain has been rewired!"
"It is because you are no longer trying subconciously to fix things!"
"Dreams are how we process what is happening in our daily lives!"

She pulled me into an embrace. "I am so proud of you!"
"Do not let them break you!"
"Everything that they are doing is to break you down!"
"Do not let this become the main focus of your life!"
"You have made so much progress!"
"Do not fall back now!"

She released me. "What did you say our Lit teacher taught out of?"

I shrugged. "A small wooden Box, the box was beside her and she was putting out clothes on the line beside it and somone said that is what she uses to decorate her classroom!"

Sass held her throat. "Miss Wilson represents a pastor!"
"The school uniforms, marching bands!"
"You just dreamt someone's funeral!"

I frowned. "Come to think of it!"
"That wooden box is shaped like an old time coffin!"
Crystal .A. Evans
Copyright 2016
If I Were A Bwoy

The Mad One

There is a very thin red line between "tying yourself to small mindedness" and "betraying your self integrity". Learn not to cross it.
When there's a moment of gathering , there's a moment of departure.
When there's life, there's death.
Everything is bound to the law of impermanence.
Knowing yourself and knowing what the right thing to do for some is liken to putting a key in a lidless box halfway two centimeters from the inside bottom of the box.

They said the people we think about first thing in the morning are the ones we love. They lied. Each morning i woke up infuriated because i wanted to desperately hurt the ones i hate for the pain they put me through.

This hatred is consummate, it grows everyday like a lilly maturing from a stem to a bloom. It is as if every breath they take is an affront to me. Their mere existence boils my blood to a fiery broth.

But i know it is not my place to determine who lives and who dies. I understand the laws of nature and the cycle of life. It is what bars me from my worst self.

We are all just an angry outburst away from being a monster. Evil is in every one of us. Some wear it like a second skin, others like myself prefer to tuck it away in the far regions of our psyches. We keep our evil under control while some are controlled by the diabolic nature within them.

Circumstances made me what i am.
The Victim Card
People often remember what you did to them, but forgot what they did to you to push you to those limits. It is always easier to play victim than to fess up to being a contributor in the grand scheme of destruction. Nobody wants to be accountable, every one wants to point fingers until fingers start falling off. Then the truth comes out.

When lying can no longer justify hurting people. When the truth stinks so much, running away or manipulating others won't brook any sympathy. It doesn't matter how much one pretends, the true them always comes out eventually and those who sided with the liars' theatrics are put to shame.

So i learned to temper my anger. To quell this monster that grows inside me by rational thinking and cutting myself off from those who stir the inferno within me. I have relinquish my right to control everything that has happened to me, it is what fuels my current frustrations.
I likened my life to me being irritated that it is raining, where my dislike of precipitation means that i am unlikely ever to respond to one by screaming. My annoyance is tempered by what i understand i can expect from the climate. I have no control over it.

We aren’t overwhelmed by anger whenever we don’t get something we want; we do so only when we first believed ourselves fundamentally entitled to secure it – and then oddly did not. Our greatest furies spring from events which violate our sense of the ground-rules of existence.

I found serenity in a healthy dose of pessimism. A tranquility from embracing reality.
I have learnt to disappoint myself at leisure.
To wear my defenses down before the world slaps me with suprises that derails me from my purpose.
I start each day with a twenty minute deep breathing exercises, i train myself to be patient and understanding.
To be slow to judge and snail paced towards anger.

I pity the ones who hate me. The ones who placed a mark of death on me.
They might seem bullishly confident in their rage but i know deep inside they are hurting.
They rage in order to stop themselves from panicking and appearing weak.
They have no faith in their own capacity to survive frustration and recover equanimity despite some perhaps truly significant losses.
They lack a resilient sense of how – with sufficient patience, love and time – error and damage may be repaired, borne and overcome.
I feel sorry for them.
They see life as not growing, changing, evolving, maturing and overcoming.
They see life as merely win or lose.
I think of them with sympathy than scorn.

The Mad One
Crystal A. Evans
copyright 2016

If I Were A Bwoy

Sass groaned in her sleep.
"Hey Saf why yuh crying"
I cradled the phone against my ear.
"Feeling angry!!!"
Sass sighed audibly. "Hey you are doing very well!"
"Do not regress!"
I shook my head. "Why does he hate me!"
"I haven't done him anything!"
"I worked hard for my money!"
"I've reached thus far without help from anyone!"
"I did my own research and created my own strategies for making my money!"
"He thinks he is entitled to it because we had sex!"
"The money isn't anything but how stupid am i to try and help someone that constantly humiliates and disrespects me"
"Now all he does is walk around and tell his hoodlums friends that i have money!"
"As if he is trying to set up my life!"

Sass let out another sigh. "I knew it would come to this!"
"Dre has lost a great deal!"
"He had a lot riding on this relationship!"
"He is furious!"
"He is using his friends to intimidate you!"
"Dre knows you might no longer value him but you value your life therefore he threatens like so many weak men do, what is most important to you"

Sass sniveled.
"Do you know what i tell little girls in rural communities"
"I tell them don't settle in a relationship here before you go out and see the world"
"I tell them don't get pregnant, the minute you get pregnant you might end up settling for a man that five years from now, you will want nothing to do with him!"
"You see Ghetto men always a complain that we women from the ghetto with our education don't want them!"
"That we think we are better than them!"
"Dre is a fine example of why women should never date men from innercity communities"
"The minute you give one of those low lifes a chance in your life, they will only seek to destroy you!"
"Because they are weak men, they are insecure! them badmind women for showing them up!"

I stopped crying.
"I know about the settling part!"
"You either outgrow them mentally or you realize that you do not share the same life goals!"
"You start having regrets!"
"Realize that you just wasted the last few years of your life!"
"Because you had a baby and settled"
"Story of my life!"

Sass chuckled. "Ah sah!"
"So what grim rim tale is Dre and his cronies spinning now!"
"He has some serious issues!"
"He is the type that when he can't control you, he attempts to control how people think or feel about you!"
"He bemsirches your character!"
"He thinks he wins that way!"

I laughed.
"How me marked for death!"
"How me fe dash weh long time as if me anno nobody!"
"How when me diss the "dawg", me diss them!"
"Still can't figure out how that part works!"
"I didn't know i dissed anyone by leaving Dre after he has done so many horrible things to me!"

Sass let out a low peal of laughter.
"He is right!"
"You were marked for death from the day you let that bwoy put his dick in you!"
"He has done nothing but sorround himself with negativity and has invited his negativity into your life"
"You have to close this door permanently with scant regards for the outcome!"
"I know you sometimes feel afraid but remember things coulda always worst!"
"This person does nothing but try to foment or facilitate your demise!"
"Dre's way of getting back at you, He tries to corrupt his friends and family against you!"
"This has been his memo from day one!"
"Time will eventually show his true face to them!"

I scoffed. "They knew half the shit, i did, Them wudda nevah even par wid him!"

Sass burst into loud guffaws. "Well i always knew it!"
"I was not the least bit surprised"
"He fits the prototype with his anger issues!"

I sucked my teeth. "Why can't they see him for the monster he is!"

Sass sighed.
"I think his mom and his family knows, they are just in denial!"
"Like most families, they try to hide their black sheep until it turns on them!"
"They think you provoke his wrath as if at any given time Dre doesn't give any of them a tongue lashing!"
"Dre has succeeded in gaining a ban of loyal fans that are only loyal to a lie"
"A fraud!"
"I do not how i could support a person for killing his child's mother or beating her senseless"
"And still go to church!"
"Them people deh praying to a different god!"
"They are mad at you for the truth!"
"So you let them be!"
"You close those doors permanently and only then you will find peace!"

If I Were a Bwoy
Copyright 2016
Crystal A. Evans

Author Questions for The Bunna Man Trilogy

Interview with Crystal Evans for Writer.com

What does your writing process look like?

Ans: I write whenever I want to. There is no specific time. My writing is largely influenced by my environment. I think we are all on a journey, we are all stories.
So I might go on a bus to the capital and I see someone doing something and decide I will attach that behavior to a character.
I might hear someone say something and decide, that would make a transition point in a dialogue.

Do you have strange writing habits?

Ans: Well when a characterization begins in my head, I might pace back and forth playing out the story line in my head as I write.
'Mi granny sometimes ask me if me mad'
Some might find that strange.

3. What books do you wish you could have written?

Ans: Harper Lee's To Kill A Mocking Bird
The Schoolmaster by Earl Lovelace
The Lunatic by Anthony C Winkler

4. Just as your books inspire authors, what authors have inspired you to write?

Ans: Richie Drenz. I am mostly a huge fan of Caribbean literature. I like to open a book and read a story that I can relate to. It's not a prejudice, it is just that I think West Indian culture rife with its tragic history and the melting pot of contemporary fashion, dance and music, our evolution from slavery to where we are today is ideal for a story setting.

5. What writing advice do you have for other aspiring writer?
Ans: write. Write from yuh soul. Don't be afraid to take risk, to send a message that discords with mainstream ideology. Don't be afraid to create characters that people will hate. Real stories must and should stir some emotion in its readers.
When you write you recreate life on a piece of paper, the incidents that inspires your writing become immortal, they will be here long after you are gone.
Always give it your best.

6.Do you read your reviews? Do you respond to them, good or bad? Do you have any advice on how to deal with the bad?

Ans. I do read them, not all but most because I believe feedback is central to the growth as a writer.
Ghetto Slam was poorly edited. I got some bad flak for that. I am in the process of re-editing it.
When a review is unfavorable, it might momentarily evince feelings of disappointment but if you concentrate on the negative, you might never write again.
Take what you need to evolve and leave the rest.

7. What do you consider to be your best accomplishment?
The Bunna Man trilogy.
I've learnt while writing those three books a lot of things about myself. The responses to the stories have taught me a lot about one's responsibilities as a writer.
How what started out as a story, became a movement and I the prophet.
How your story can shape the lives of others, how you develop a relationship with your fans. How your fans fall in love with your writing style.
How a personal story can transcend you to a higher level of reasoning.
Sometimes I look back and am amazed at what I wrote.

8. Is there one subject you would never write about as an author? What is it?

Ans: Religion. Religion is a personal thing. I won't tell anyone what to believe. I do believe in a higher spiritual realm, I just don't think I should dictate what others believe.

9. What are you working on now? What is your next project!
Ans: I have an anthology of stories called "The People Next Door"
I have three novels am working on, If I were A Bwoy, Steppa and Killer Pussy'
I also want to do a spin off novel from a short story I wrote recently called Riva Mumma!
10. What is something you want to accomplish before you die?
Ans: I want to reach a philosophical depth like Plato and Aristotle where my writing transcends my reader to realm of intense introspection.
I want when someone reads what I wrote, they are forced to look into themselves, they strive for something higher.
I want my writing to be visionary.

Woman Dont Cry : The Bunna Man, the book for any woman who dated a jamaican man that only wanted her money...

I held on to the grills that barred my bedroom window from the inside, peeking out at the sunny day. The chirping of newly hatched chickens and the commanding cluck of the mother hen drowned in the background as the powerful sound of large trucks racing on the nearby main route dulled it.

I was a mad woman. I threw a sidelong glance at my wardrobe mirror to stare into the face of me. To see me, I believe, as others have seen me. Sometimes I didn't like what I see. It's a tragedy that I could not move in this body that I was born into without unease. The woman I believe myself to be and the one staring at me in the mirror were inalienable. Dre only saw the one in the mirror.

A twittering of birds lulled me back to the present. My eyes scanned the trees for the beautiful plumage of the fowl of the air from my backdoor that led into the concave of a hill.

I glanced at the manuscript- two hundred thousand words and counting. I've excluded so many chapters and unfinished parts when I was so steeped in despair that trying to write my way out of this heartache didn't provide the catharsis I needed.

This book is big. I thought about putting it into series, changing the font, utilising a smaller font size as well, in order that, this tale that signalled another turning point in my life could be available in one dusk jacket stack of bonded papers.

I smile at rows of banana trees, coconut trees with finger like leaves in colours of yellow, brown and green. The flesh beside my nose twitched, my eyes squinted and my dark brown lips pursed into a thin line. I rocked as if I was in a music video and oozing the confidence of video vixen. I was a mad woman. Dre's name felt like sawdust in my mouth.

I pulled a star shaped pair of ash-gold coloured earrings from my chest of drawers and put them on. Playing ‘dressed up’ worked wonders for my self-esteem. I added make up, a smearing of the cherry red lipstick, a most figure flattering under wear and then I slipped into my little black dress and sat before my laptop.

Love, literatures… most enduring muse.

When I started this story, it was about love and then it became about Dre, then about me and now, it's about women, relationships and self-esteem.

Saf was my literature magpie. I had collected parts of her while I milled around in my sorrow and my pregnancy hormones wreaked havoc on my personality. When some days, I walked around like a Jamaican ‘madda woman’ with two pencils stuck in my wrapped head wear, popularly known as a "tie head", ideas racing in my mind as fast as Usain Bolt.

Those were the days when Saf, my alter ego, and I felt like walking up Cerasee Road- butt naked, chattering gibberish and hollering out Dre's name. I'd sit and imagined it with my wanton imagination, the pot holes in the road filled with water, the women sprawling out on their verandas the faces of the Dre's legions of fans, the laughter of the young boys and Dre chasing me away in anger and embarrassment. I'd laugh to myself and begin to write again. Dre would never live long enough to see that happen.

I didn't love Dre. I hadn't loved him for a long time. The honeymoon wore off around the second month after he all but dried up with me when I didn't buy him a new pair of Clarkes. I, the literature major, missed the symbolism. He already had a perfectly good pair, yet he made me buy him a new one then he sold the old pair.

It was the beginning of our relationship and the grandest metaphor yet. Dre would turn away a good woman for the prospect of a new one. The metaphor expands for just as I had never seen Dre in that shoe, not once, so too I would do things for him that I will never reap nor benefit of it in the future. So it was in the beginning. So it shall be in the end.

I wept bitterly, my fingers trembled and I sat before my laptop to complete this story, blinking away tears, humming a soft tune and shaking my head in despair. I wished I’d never met him. He had scarred my life in a way that I had to rethink my entire modus operandi.

I scoffed; Dre said if I thought he would settle for me, Dre! I would have settled for him. I made a mirthless laugh.

This was my orchestra of life - my red lips, my dark curly hair on my shoulders, my round bottom on a stool like Alicia Keys at a concert... This is my story. I was mad like Jojo in Marvin's Room.

More support for women in relationships with abusive men who only want money

Sass tongue made a clucking sound in her mouth.
"Oh so that's what attracted you to him?"
"He's quiet???"
I grinned. I knew sarcasm when I heard it.
Sass cackled. "My dear, silent river runs deeps"
"The quieter the person the bigger the freak. The greater the anger issues. There is such a thing as too quiet"
"The quiet facade is the outer layer. It lulls us on the outside into a false sense of security. Entraps us. For some the quiet front isn't directly intentional though!"
"Think of Dre as an onion the more layers you peel away the more tears you will shed"
"Every time you take him back, he reveals another layer of himself and things get worse!"
"You keep peeling...Until there is nothing left and all you did was waste your time"
"Don't even look for any closure from him, he won't give you none!"
"You think he's terrible?"
"Wait until he gets that money!!"
I let out a strong exhale and gasped. "I know!!!"
"You don't need to be a psychologist to know something was wrong with this boy!"
"Most people if you don't like them, the kinder they are to you, you warm up to them and even in conflicts, you resolve situations easily because you remember their kindness"
"Is Dre like that to you?"
I shook my head.
"You could have given Dre the world and it would never have been enough for him!"
"His behavior is that of a child"
"Think about your four year old, you gave her a lollipop and the one time you don't give her, she throws a tantrum and acts as if you are the worst mother in the world"
"That's Dre right there"
I sucked my teeth. I was still hollow but I felt wiser. The talk session with Sass opened my mind, didn't heal my heart.
I asked. "Why does Dre hate my child's father or any man that is nice to me? Or any man him think have sex me? Or has had sex with me??"
Sass snaps her finger. "Jealousy is real"
"He feels like you are his. Any man that has been with or is with you is trespassing on what he believes is his"
"Also he is afraid that the man may prevent you from going back to him"
"Men in your life are a threat to him and the control he believes he has over you."
"He is jealous of these other men. He knows the treatment he got so he is jealous!
"He doesnt want anyone to have the same treatment. To feel the way you make him feel"
"His jealousy is real and the men in your life need to be careful"
"Dre is very unstable!"
"He's a liar" I said as if in a trance.
She paced the floor and opened her hands.
"Lies, fake world and fantasy!"
"He's convince himself that some of these things are true!"
"It's one of the reasons why he cannot stay around you long enough, you are not apart of his fantasy!"
"You don't encourage it?"
"He needs to be around women who worship him, friends who lord him and not around you whom he knows deep down he doesn't deserve"
"His mother who tells him, he's good even though he's bad!"
"You show him up too much"
I folded my lips before I spoke.
"You know when me and him deh, he had about three incidents of erectile dysfunction!"
"I always wondered about it and it wasn't until Shelly told me that Dre told her his dick couldn't stand up for me that I realized that Dre purposely did it to validate what he told her!"
"I confronted him about it and he laughed and say me gwaan like me know everything!"
Sass opened her mouth. "Jesus Christ!"
"Hes a psychologist dream"
"He's one twisted fuck!"
" Can you imagine the things and the lies he's perpetrating on you now to make himself look better, to justify hurting you!"
"I know his mom told me sometimes she wonders about me!" I spat.
She waggled her fingers like a mother rebuking a child.
"The difference between you and him is that the Saf he will paint to people is the only Saf he knows"
"The Dre you know is the one every woman knows!"
"His mother wonders about you and your state of mind, she should be wondering what kind of person attacks pregnant women and old people, or is ungrateful to the point of repulsion!"
"She's in denial"
"But Dre will unleash his monster on her too, very soon!"
Sass paced the floor in her office.
I chuckled and shuffled in my seat.
"I worry a lot about whether he's making some woman happy!"
"If he's being nice to them and not nice to me!"
Sass waved her hand dismissively.
"Dre doesn't want a relationship with you!"
"You are like one of his clients it's just that he has sex with you"
"He entered this relationship with one aim!"
"To get money to realize his dreams and everyone was in on this game including his other women!"
"Dre is unreasonable to the point where he thinks he has every right to hurt you and get away with it because the egomaniacal part of him sees you as beneath him!"
Sass flash me a wicked grin.
"Here's how the new women come In now!"
"You are now a yardstick for them!"
"He will judge them based on you, worse if you become greater than where you are now!"
"You will be the ghost in his life and every woman will know about you!"
"He will tell them about you to under value and manipulate them!"
"He sees you as adding to his overall value and getting a woman like you means he's indeed a "top man!"
"These women might laugh at you now, they might think, they have won, but they will come to respect you and many will hate you for Dre will throw you in their faces whenever they fall short!"
"You've damaged him for these other women, let's just hope he hasn't done the same thing to you too"
"Dre wants to forget you but he won't, he's coming back!"
"When I say he's coming back that's no consolation to you, it's to your detriment!"
"Please don't take him back"
The Bunna Man
Crystal A. Evans
Copyright © 2015

Support for women in abusive relationship with Jamaican men

"I dreamt him last night again!"
"I dreamt it was my birthday and I called him and he promised to buy me a birthday day cake for ten grand"
"I kept a party at a big White House in the woods, he sent the cake, he didn't come to the party and there was a large crowd there, and I left and went to another section of the property, there was a black caldina parked there... It was empty!"
"I was alone"
I relaxed into the reclining chair. When I spoke, my voice broke.
"My granny say it's not a good dream!"
"She say the caldina a hearse!"
"The house a grave and the crowd a me funeral"
"She ask me if me nyam the cake, me say no!"
"She say me overcome him"
"A enemy!"
Sass burst into loud guffaws.
"You granny too damn superstitious!!!"
She sat on one of the edges of get rectangular desk.
"Well its obvious your mind is on dre. I must say I hold different beliefs in the area of dreams. In my experience they reflect the state of mind of the individual. It shows your expectations of him-buying you a cake symbolizes the responsibilities he should take up and this is making you happy."
" The ten grand symbolizes that he must take special care and interest in you, meet your worth, your self worth. A ten grand cake is indeed a extravagant and wonderful cake. You have a great self worth."
"The other part of your dream shows your disappointment. He is a no show. He doesnt meet your expectations. Also that you are better off in the world without him"
"The shade black usually symbolizes depression. Obviously you are going through a hard time. You are traveling suggesting that you will arrive at the party. The party may symbolize healing. The crowd your friends and family. The cake can represent your joy. You paid dearly for your freedom from him. The least you can do is enjoy it. "
"The dream may also symbolize the shame he brought on you. Everything was his doing in that arena. And him leaving you to face everything alone. The wretch. You alone have to face the disgrace while nobody notices him. In that case the cake represents the disgrace he has brought. And the crowds are the literal crowds that are viewing your grief while you alone bear it in the vehicle of depression"
I grinned. "Sound plausible!"
Sass folder her hands across her chest.
"Has his mother showed any concerns about your well being?"
My eyebrows rose and my eyes widened.
"No, if I don't call her, she doesn't call me not even to ask how me doing!"
Sass shook her head.
"Same reason why the boy has never been concerned about you in your time of distress!"
"Don't you see the connection between mother and son"
"The mother lies, the boy lies and the mother covers for him"
"The mother talks about her past relationships, the son does too"
"The mother concentrated on your weight above all else, the boy did too"
"Them spend hours a talk about you and strip you down like mother and daughter!"
I chuckled. "I always said he wasn't like his dad more like her"
Sass grinned. "Ahhhhh"
"He's a combination of both"
"Eunice is just trying to blame everybody except her and Dre for Dre's dirty behavior!"
I laughed. "You know the bwoy tell people how me theif him fifty million and someone said the mom said a one hundred and fifty"
Sass bowed her head, held her belly and burst into a donkey bray like laughter.
"A so much money?"
"No wonder him want kill you"
I sucked my teeth. "Not a damn thing like that"
Sass angled her head. "You see you have to pity the family members!"
"It's uncanny, they don't realize that if they weren't related to Dre, they would not qualify to associate with him"
"He would see his brothers as fools for being non violent"
"He would not even look at someone who looks like his mother"
"If he snubs you, imagine what he would do to them if they weren't related to him
Aaahhh!" I said clucking my tongue.
"Him always say why me can't make him happy!"
Sass chuckled. "A that ago be him downfall, he is blaming everyone for what went wrong in his life except himself?"
"That means he will never change!"
"He doesn't see himself as being part of the problem!"
She leaned forward.
"I don't care about them anymore, I only care about you and helping you get past this!"
"Mind me, there will be days and then there will be dayzzzzzzz"
She pointed her finger at my chest.
"I want you to change your thinking!"
"Value yourself!"
"Relationship with others? Be honest. Be considerate. Listen. Forgive. Friendships are gifts, treasure them if you are the only one fighting then stop and move on. It doesn't mean you stop being friends it just means that you know the level that relationship is on!"
"I don't want this thing here with this boy and his skewed thinking to become the main event of your life"
"I want you to love you, all of you and I want you to stop dating gangsters!"
"I see that you are attracted to them!"
"They will never be what you want them to be. You are a beautiful woman but you aren't ghetto fabolous, you aren't bleached in horse hair so they won't value you!"
"You are way above their level!"
She pulled me up out of the chair by placing her small hands underneath my arms. She began to pinch my arms, slap my legs and fondle my boobs.
"This is all you, embrace it"
She glanced down on her self.
"I am skinny as raas. And alot of men found fault with that. You would not believe how they termed me. But I grew to love myself. I have an ex who helped me alot to overcome my issues we are great friends now. He is married and his wife knows me. Thats the type of exes to aim for. The type that even if you break up you can still have a great relationship based on the same factors that brought you together. Breakups mean moving on to better and greater. Not becoming worse. Aim for relationships that build you up even after they are done. People that are forward thinking. Open minded and true to themselves and you."
She smiled.
"Last but not least..."
"Don't go back to who hurt you so that they can heal you!"
"It's like putting a bandaid on gangrenous arm"
"The arm will still rot underneath the bandage"
"Love yourself, see everyone else is looking out for themselves with scant regard for you, love yourself and put yourself first!"
The Bunna Man
Copyright © 2015
Crystal A. Evans

Getting over emotional abuse with abusive sociopathic Jamaican Man

I heard Sass in my head. I only listened to her now, I willed myself not to remember negativity only positivity...
"You see his choice of words towards you...they are derogatory. He wanted to keep you down so that when he did show you some measure of kindness it would mean the world to you and it would give you hope."
I told her I wanted to write a book.

"Its your world saf. No one can make the decisions. Only you. Now the type of writing you will undertake...cleanse yourself with every word you write. Smile with every page you complete. Who knows...this book could be more than what you ever dreamed. It can help change the lives of women going through the same thing. Help others find closure. Fight."
All I felt these days was fear and nothing else.
She reassured me.

"In the face of fear you have two choices. Fight or flight. Will you run away Saf? Will you run away from those deep seated emotions Dre has put inside you or will you face them? Will you face them and fight them? Can you channel them into positivity? Or will you run and hide behind a wall of pretence?"

"Don't be like Dre!!!"
"Dre a the real pussy!"
She cackled like a witch
"Pussy cat liddung under a chair. He choose flight to counteract his fear"
She scoffed... "You lost but it's your time to gain!"

"He asks for food, money and clothes. At no point did he mention spending time with you. At no point did he mention anything of mutual benefit. Everything was "Dre centered"

"He's never good for you!"
"Typical egocentric child"
"Every damn word out of his mouth was aimed at manipulating you to get what he wanted. You are a real fairy godmother Saf!"
I thought about that statement and my hatred for Dre boiled to new heights.

Sass emphasized. "Him fi put pan ward 21. No mind right next a window so him can guh chuck off and swim pan pavement and stop ruin good women"

"That man is like an idol. You don't realize it yet, and you bring him into your home. You worship him. Then the idol shows its demonic powers. You are so blinded by thinking its a valuable item that you deny its demonic influence. Then it gets worse and finally ruins you, laughing at you as it makes its way to another person to destroy them as well. The demon possessed idol has a chain of followers who are self blinded to the truth. You realize the truth but you also see the idol as it is. Faux. What you must seek to do now is accept that you made a mistake. You are afterall human. Do not dwell in misery and self pity. Pick yourself up and reveal him to the world with the book. The book is closure. You will reflect on your mistakes and learn from them. Build yourself a better person. I know its hard to think he will never accept what he has done. Take peace in knowing that you can move on, and he knew what he was doing but he isn't sorry and he will never be.

Exorcize your soul of the demon that is Deandre Myles. Pray. Fill your life with the things that make for peace love and joy. Even when you feel most alone look to your faith and hold on to your god; pray and cry out your pain. He will hear and understand and he will send an angel into your life when the time is right. That time isn't now. Now you must heal and grow.

Dre picked you up and ate your ripened flesh threw you a dry seed in the soil. You task now is to germinate. Set strong sturdy roots. And grow. Grow big and tall and tower over him like a giant. Oblivious to him. Making yourself into a meaningful citizen of society and in the lives of your friends and family."

I burst into tears. I guess I will be doing that for sometime.
Remembering and crying...

Not a life of condoms, a lifetime of tears.
Sass blue raspberries, she was still a child at heart. A different kind from Dre.
"Dre saw a delicate golden flower and decided he must have it."
"But he made sure the flower never knew she was golden"
"Made her out to be worthless"

She shook her head like a grandmother telling takes of a life filled with remorse. It was cinematic.
"you took alot of degradation from that wretch"

"But sad to say. I understand. Its not simply explained. The intricacies are many. And its not well thought out either."
"Good night Saf. I have the people dem work in the morning...cant wait to hang up my PHD and tell government a piece a my mind...think only good things before bed dearie. Drink some water. Watch a comedy."
The Bunna Man
The Epilogue
Copyright 2015
Crystal A. Evans

The Bunna Man : Book of Jamaican Man Abuse

I doubled up in the corner of my room, sometimes i paced the floor. My broken heart would not give way in my chest. I have been down this road before. It's a strange yet familiar terrain, didn't make it less gruelling.
I had nightmares.
I tossed and turn in my sleep. I've contemplated suicide. The jokes are all on me.
People said that I deserved the disgrace that Dre brought upon my head. I shouldn't have left Jerr for Dre. Dre is a slithering serpent.
While I locked myself inside, dying of heartache and humiliation, I was told that Dre was up and about, happy and sociable. He moved on with his life as if nothing had happened. I was left to pick up the broken pieces. I am a mess.
My mother rebuked me with scorn. She chastised me for being a weak woman, a foolish woman.
She was the mother whom I witnessed at age of three year old, when the father of my younger siblings chopped her in the palm of her hand. There was blood everywhere. I was a baby and the room was redolent with the scent of fresh blood. It's a sight that stained my memory just as it had done my maternal grandmother's floor.
My mother groped her palm, her boyfriend fled the scene. Less than a year later, my mother had a daughter with him and then she had another child with the man that chopped her hand before her pre school daughter. She had two children with a man who tried to dismember her.
My mother forgave him, just as she'd forgiven my father for saying that I was a jacket. Two years later, she had another baby for the my dad who didn't own her first child until after a Paternity test. Two children for the man who deemed get a whore and her child a bastard. Me a bastard.
My mother despised me for allowing Dre to treat me like shit. What did she expect? I am after all my mother's child. Taking bullshit from men is in my genes.
Like my grandmother whom I witnessed being repeatedly beaten and cheated on by her husband.
Mama would go out of her way to cook the best dinner for him. One plate with ground provisions, the best yams, dumpling and banana and a rare dish packed with large chunks of meat. The tallest glasses of soursop juice. Some nights he didn't turn up. Some nights he came home and didn't touch his food and mama cried, and read psalms twenty three facing the rising and setting of the sun.
Mama would cook the best dinner after an evening of beatings, crowds gathering, police car siren deafening and my father holding a bloody clothe at the side of his head after he defended my grandmother from the tyranny of her husband.
I the perspicacious, introverted five year old, seethed with anger and promised myself that no man would ever do this to me.
Until I met Jerr and I met Dre...
Taking bull shit from men is in my gene.