“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Monday, June 6, 2016
Pregnant and Fed UP! Woman Scorned Book
I love your writing and I admire you a lot.
My baby father is the love of my life. We together from school days.
I got pregnant for him and dropped out at eleven grade.
I went to live with him and his family.
Things changed and he started making money from scamming.
That youth make me walk in the drizzle rain with my big belly and he drive pass me with a bag a man in his car.
He just changed overnight, he don't come home often and we stop having sex.
Sometimes i just stay out of his way because i do not want him to throw me out cause i could not afford to go back to my people's place.
When i have the baby, doctor say i need blood and would you believe that he didn't come or offer to give me blood. He only come register the baby and left.
When time for me to take the baby to six day clinic, he did not offer to take me, I walk with the baby there.
Imagine my man has a car, i have a young baby and he woudn't even help out with the baby.
I find out he has other women, heard he gives them hundred dollar Us Bills.
While if i ask him for anything, it is a big argument before i can get it.
I live with him, cook his dinner and wash his dirty clothes.
I am a pregnant again.
He hardly comes home.
I am so depressed and unhappy.
I am just twenty years old.
Me too young to be this stress.
Sometimes I feel like just pack up and left.
Just so fed up. Me deh with him when him have nothing. Now him treat me like me not somebody.
Me give up so much to be with him, all when my mother don't like him.
My mom hardly speak to me anymore.
Just so unhappy.
Dear Fed Up.
Let me tell you a story or two about me. I helped a man build a house that i will never live in. My ex was in a scary situation and me tek car go fe him inna night in a very volatile community and him same one end up set up him hoodlum friends on me. When my ex was in an accident and sick, i tried as much as possible to offer him comfort and care in his time of discomfort. By the time his wounds healed, he was running me from his house. I gave my ex so many gifts, he has never bought me anything. He once offered to buy me a watch and i end up paying for the damn watch myself. He impregnated me and left me repeatedly. He has corrupted his family and friends against me. I have lost the love and admiration of family and friends simply because i kept going back to this man. I have done some many things for him, put up with a lot, sacrificed much and he would sooner see me dead than alive. I have done more for him than anyone in his life in that short span of time.
I replayed that to you say that it does not matter how much you have invested in a relationship, you never too far gone down the road to turn back. You should never settle. yes you have two babies and you feel lost but you still young. You can still bounce back. If your mother loves you and you explain the situation to her. She will gladly receive you. You are fairly intelligent. You have capability, go back to school and try a make something of your life for you and your children. I can tell you are not in love anymore. That is good. It is first step for getting out of your coffin situation.
I am not perfect by a long shot and i understand your perspective because i used to be that girl that thinks if people are hurting me then it means that i must be doing something wrong. In response i would give more of myself, in hopes that it would change the situation,instead it only exacerbated it.
Things changed when i discovered that it was a gruelling and self destructive job to try and change people, what i did instead was to change myself and my reaction to them. One of the things i did was adapt a position of No Contact. I simply cut off anyone that does not have my best interest at heart. I found peace. You are young. You can find peace too. If you do not nip this shit here in the bud from now, five years down the line and five boyfriends later, you gonna end up with the same story over and over again.
You cannot change this boy. Only life and time can teach him. In the midst of my struggle for personal tranquility, i realized that i changed, the people that hurt me didn't. They were the same people i met a year or so ago. I had morphed into someone else. I made their negative impact on my life into something positive. I had gone up a level or two, and based on their "still" reaction to me, they were at the same place i met them.
When i was a teenager, my stepmother used to tell me that a lot of girls went to my "TRADITIONAL" high school and came out with zero subjects. It was a psychological mechanism aimed at distracting me from my true aspirations. I found out that i spent far more time concentrating on what she said than studying.
Until one morning while walking across the "Ball field" with a pan of water, i told myself that if i fail, people are gonna remember that a brilliant girl like me failed my exams, no one will care what my stepmother said or what anyone said for that matter. My life is my responsibility. In order to counteract failure, i would simply try harder, study more. If and when i fail. It should only be on my terms. Let me look back and say i didn't do enough.
People are going to remember that you got stuck where you are now. People will hold you accountable for you failures. I want you to disappoint every one that thinks your life is over. I want you to put them to shame.
N.B Word of advice, these fast money men are some of the worst men to ever be in a relationship with, their egos are large and their minds are generally small and that my dear is a recipe for disasters. Steer clear.
kEEP YOUR HEAD UP.