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“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Wednesday, June 15, 2016

He is not taking care of his son


Crystal,
A few months ago I was attending the Montego Bay chapter of the University of the West Indies.
Now i am at home with my six-month-old son, trying to grow him up, the best way i can.
His father comes and sees him but hardly and even if he does come around, he has to do so without his mother knowing.
His mother says my son is a jacket.
When i got pregnant, he stopped talking to me.
He said he did not want anything to do with me and the baby.
It was the hardest 9 months of my life.
I was in love with him.
I left school. I did not have much up to the time of my baby's birth.
But my mother helped out.
I am raising my son on my own.
It is hard.
I just think that maybe if his mother was more supportive, he would have been a better father.
She does not like me.
I do not know why.
I love my son.
All when they put me through hell i love my baby.
How can someone be evil to a child.
My son has never done anything to this woman.
My mother thinks i should forget about them and move on with my life.
I am trying but it is hard.


In the midst of chaos, pain and global terror, the miracle of life persists.
This Kim is my Saint...
Tears flooded my eyes as i watch him move his hands on the sonogram screen.
The doctor said that he looked great, a little precocious (that is inherited) and big for his 14 weeks+
My extension, i don't know where my heart begins or where his ends.

I knew i cared about him when one morning, i slipped and fell on my butt, i immeadiately went into panic mode.
I wanted him to be okay.
My Zahir. It scares me.
I understand your situation Kim.
I am afraid.
I am bringing him into a less than favourable situation.
I have not heard from his father in three months.
He has gone unresponsive to my sporadic text messages about the baby.
It hurts.
Maybe i deserve his abandoment for whatever just reason his small mind comes up with.
But to hurt a child.
He not the first child, Dre hurts.
It is a pity i had found no comfort or victory when Ivy complained of his less than adequate paternal involvement in his son's life nor his exes complains of recurrent abortions.
I felt slightly advantageous (stupid based on what i already knew) when he aggresively pursued this baby issue with his constant appearances with pregnancy test and demanded i give him a baby.
I scoffed.
I stupidly fell for that again.
Dre wanted a baby with me because he hoped i might be more generous with his latest endeavours.
He wanted a child, because he thinks i will pay him to be it's father.
It is warped idea, something i suspected but cemented when he abandoned the prospect of fatherhood as soon as i decided i was not going to give him the millions he demanded.
Dre should know that no amount of kindness will make him a better man and no amount of babies would let make me subsist his lifestyle.
Dre represents everything that is wrong with this society.
Women like me empitomizes the true essence of stupidity that fuels "everything that is wrong with this society"

My mother said "The same stick weh lick black snake ago rass the yellow one to"
Dre has not spoken to his other son in almost a year, he did not even bother to call his child and wish him happy birthday.
My mother said if he did not care for the one is here, why would he be even remotely concerned about the one that is not born.
My mother equally could not understand how Eunice the purveyor of morality and values did not see it fit to encourage her "Unsullied" son to take up his paternal repsonsibilities.
But who am i kidding.
Eunice had blatantly told me that Dre told her he had no intention whatsoever of taking care of the previous child that died prematurely.
She had said it with such coldness and sneer in her voice.
I could hear now.
I had shuddered everytime i thought about it.
She said it in such a way as if she fully supported what her son remarked.
I could not fathom how any woman, or a woman who raised several children on her own could champion such a notion.
But such is life.

Whether we like to believe it or not. Women are the cornerstone of society.
I have not studied one social malady of our society without inference to a females contribution to the regression and progression, vice versa of this society.
Nine out of ten men i know do not take care of their children because his mother thinks it is not his...
Nine out of ten gun men have mothers who live in denial and smother their sons, mothers who are first to run to their rescues, girlfriend's homes that they use as refuge and sisters for errands.
seven out of ten children are born to single mothers because of irresponsible sexual choices and paternal abandoment.
Most women hate their mother in laws, It is pathetic that women raise their sons to be just like the no good bastards that left them.

I will tell you as i have often told my ex.
I will not compete with any woman for her son but i will remind her that she wil not always be here for him, it is these said children that she declares he does not support, whom will take care of him when he becomes a child again.
Once a man, twice a child. His Children shall be the mother of his old age.


Herein you and i have a challenge, raising boys with feelings of resentment and bitterness towards thier fathers trying to love a child in the midst of pain and shame is a difficult feat. It is not easy and many before us have failed miserably. I know you are angry, it is kind of anger i hear in the voices of women at the women's center or health clinic trying to put on a brave face when asked about thier child's father.
I see it on the face of women selling on the roadsides, hustling in the markets, working, studying, trying to make their lives better so that they can provide for their fatherless children. While daddy moves on to "fresh meat" only to repeat this cycle in less than a year.

It is painful.
It will take months, even years to get over those feelings.
You and I have only felt it once, others have gone through it several times over.
I encourage you to be strong for tommorrow's future is in our hands.
Your son needs you more than that man.
You cannot sit down, complain and wait for him to change, some men do, some do not ever grow up.
He is still your child, therefore your responsibility.

Who is to tell?
You might be nursing the next Courtney walsh, Usain Bolt or Bruce Golding.
Irrespective of his father's desertion, give him the best start in life, as your circumstances allow.
Keep
Your head up
Crystal.

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