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“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”

— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

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Sunday, March 8, 2015

You can't make someone love you...

The morning was cool. the grass  wet from last nights dew, the railing on the outside porch of the villa cold and uninviting like the arms of the man who slept in the bed, snoring loudly. Between the trees at the horizon, a cotton like puffy cloud with rose like billows of smoke and shone like silver against the gray blue sky. 

Cloud colors changed quickly in two minutes they went from pink to orange ten to silver much like my relationship had soured quickly in the last few hours. It was much like those bruises and lacerations on the man I was in love with feet, this relationship festered and hurt.  

Owls twittered in the background and birds hummed from nearby trees.
Cars whooshed past in the early morning, and my thoughts were interrupted by the loud roar of a toilet flushing in the next room. Everything was distant, like a far away noise, nothing could drown my racing thoughts and my heart ramming away in my chest. 

I wanted to cry but nothing came. I was all wrung out. I had a good sleep last night but the memory of the penis that died as I hoisted my fat legs atop him was enough to send me on another crying spree but I didn't. He was not worth it. He probably never did. I knew that now. I am liar. I knew that all along. 

I thought about all the people that really cared about me and that made me cry. I was not going to bawl over bad, I vowed from today to cry over the good. Here I was hoping that if I showed him love that he could learn something from it and all he learned was that I was weak and stupid. He only understood that I was open for exploitation. 

Our interactions cost me money, it only cost him time. Something on many occasions, he could not even give me. I can't get anything from him. Whether it was free or not. I was not good enough for him. 

He said he couldn't just leave her. He said she didn't do anything to him for him to end the relationship. I had done everything to him. 

I wanted to wish him the best in his new life but I couldn't. Why was it that whenever all the terrible things he did to me, I only wanted
to make it right. It was because I spent my entire life trying to make people see and think that I was good enough. 

I spent the last four months trying to convince this man that I was good enough. But you can only tell a man where to look, you cannot tell him what to see. 

I had to be careful. Before long... I will begin to see myself the way he did. 


The Bunna Man 
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