“The idea that sex is something a woman gives a man, and she loses something when she does that, which again for me is nonsense. I want us to raise girls differently where boys and girls start to see sexuality as something that they own, rather than something that a boy takes from a girl.”
— Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie
Saturday, December 27, 2014
How I became the Date Doctor-Crystal Evans, Book, Woman Scorned
I always knew what kind of man I wanted. I just was not particularly insightful about the types I didn't like. I knew good looks were important to me, it was all I dreamt of as a child, ten years old, on the cusp of puberty plaiting a straw grass in the middle of the Ball Field. I wanted a light skin boyfriend with curly hair because I did not want any nappy head black baby like myself. My grand aunt drilled the notion in our heads that if a man did not have money, he should at least have colour. Never in my life did it occur to me that black was not a colour. At least not in my granny's vocabulary.
So I spent the first quarter century of my life judging men by how nice looking they were, instead of how nice they were to me. How much better than me they were and how much I needed to improve or change myself to deserve them.
I was not good looking by European or West Indian standard. Boys pinched my high cheekbones and made fun of my "black chiney" looks. I quickly learn to accept that I was not ideal but I never once thought that I was inferior for what I lack in looks, I compensated in smarts. I was extremely intelligent and I learnt to use it to my advantage. I quickly learn how to charm the skin off a snake, even the most elusive player blushed to whipping sounds of my sugar coated phrases and witty tongue. I was safe as long as i did not fall in love, let my guard down and become vulnerable.
So I took tips, read books and psychoanalyze relationships. I was the date doctor, armed and dangerous. I sieved guys out like ''Wheat inna flour'' and still always end up with jerks. Why? Because men who think they were all that are always alphas and I am very much attracted to alpha males.
I compliment them, build their self esteem, help them to see their true value and potential. And in return i believe they used me as some form of target practice. Now that they knew that they could get a girl like me, they wanted someone better. Better by virtue of who they i made them believe they were. Someone higher than themselves.
I was their placeholder, fall back girl and ideal but not perfect girl. I was cheated on, emotionally abused and verbally mistreated. At times I was tempted to tell them exactly what I felt but I could not resort to their pettiness. I thought their behavior was immature, ignorant and distasteful. I was an intelligent woman and I would not resort to their level.
But sometimes my emotions got the best of me and in a fit of anger and/or emotional frustration I told them exactly what I thought of them and how they treated me. Some reacted with indifference, ignoring my messages, packing up and leaving my place or treated me with blatant disregard that I got fed up and left.