Living with Henry the Narcissist

Living with Henry: the narcissist

When I was enamored (fixated) with a narcissistic man, I did not look at the situation from futuristic and permanent standpoint. I did not visualize what life would be like cohabitating with a man that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I was given a glimpse of that life when I met a friend online who appears to be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or simply exude high levels of narcissistic traits interlaced with antisocial disorder.


This malevolent net mate was controlling, inflated and possessive. He had contrived a biography where he is a successful computer engineer with numerous clients. He was a chameleon, jack of all trades. There were days when he was a lecturer at a prestigious university. Some days he was a marine engineer and other days he was a savvy business man with numerous clients coming to his doorsteps at rude hours of the night. He had the most inflated ego I have ever had the misfortune to acquaint. His inflated self image was staggering and appalling. The narcissist misogynistic overture and sexual innuendos were distasteful.


He was a pathological liar and the most sanctimonious person I have ever dealt with. His self righteous personage was highlighted by his twisted sense of justice and morality. He would lambaste an individual for lying to him and yet he lied profusely. He was rather defensive when he thought he was being offended and yet expected others to tolerate his obnoxious behavior. He did not see anything wrong with his repugnant behavior. In fact he claimed that he does not care if people liked him because he liked him self and that’s all that mattered to him. Narcissism indeed!


I made the mistake of relating his narcissistic traits to that of a phantasm from my past and the malignant figure launched into tirade, defending my phantasm and laying the blame at my feet of course. I was amused then incensed at the narcissist inability to empathize. He perceived my anger at the experience I had with another narcissist as mere indication that I was still in love with him. The man was unable to dissect emotions further cementing his narrow sightedness and incapacity to distinct human reactionary feelings. When I vented my disgust and outrage at the behavior of narcissists, he challenged that I was being petulant because I could not manipulate the narcissist. I could not compel the narcissist to satisfy my needs and therefore I become angry and frustrated. Talk about projection! What the narcissist was saying to me was a deep mirroring of his attempt to control and manipulate me into complying with his demands and embracing his line of thought.


A narcissist lack emotional intelligence and is only responsive to two types of behavioral emotions and those are attacking and raging. The narcissist will bombard you with insults as a form of attack and then when you retaliate or threatened them in any essence they will launched into rampages aimed at cowering and reestablishing control. This narcissist did not hesitate to furnish my ideals and self concepts with his scathing perspectives and supercilious ideologies. He spoke as if he was the most trenchant individual alive. His opinions were spouted with erudite terms, mainly verbiage speeches with little or no sapient content aimed at subverting my self concept and undermining my intelligence.



If I did not know any better. I would have said my ex had sent a friend to finish the job off. The man’s conduct was similar to my ex boyfriend but ten times amplified. The thing about pathology is that it is predictable and the minute one who suffers personality syndrome arrives, he will be quickly pin point and categorize. In spite of my better judgment I decided to continue this charade with the narcissist online so as to get a real life glimpse into the pathology. I wanted to see narcissism from the outside. I wanted to look at it for the first time through the eyes of a social science researcher or a psychologist and not a lovelorn partner.


I got to witness narcissism from a detached and unemotional standpoint. I converse with the narcissist daily, observed and internalized his responses like an avid social scientist watching an interesting experimental phenomenon unfold. I realized based on our daily association that this was what I had to deal with, if I had pursued a relationship with a narcissist. This was the hell that I yearned for months ago. I felt a wave of pity and despondence for the women that lived with this malignance and have endured the constant battering that composed life with the narcissist.



The narcissist constantly devaluated and avidly conflicted my opinions to shut down my concepts and doctrines. The repressive natures of the interaction, the obscenities were geared at reducing my self concept by making my existence comparable to glucose ridden edibles and at other times, Human effluent erasers. He would idealize in one paragraph and devaluate in the very next. His excuse for being abusive and for the abuse of a narcissist from my past was simple to make me stronger. He contended that I was very weak to fall in love and that deities like himself were not amenable to such feeble expressions and feelings. He made a violation and I petitioned him to apologize. He hurled obscenities and at me and questioned why he needed to apologize to me. I broke into loud guffaws. This man was something else.


The most enthralling segments of our online interaction were the mirror effecting and projection. The man perceived simple and natural reactions to my intellectualization and psychologising of his behavior as an indication that I was mad. He kept diagnosing me. He said that I was a narcissist, another time I suffered from obsession and lately I had a split personality. This man was hilarious and had me laughing to the shock and amusement of my sister who was watching our conversations sometimes.



I mused for a while when the narcissist did the most conceivable disturbing thing. He pretended to be my ex boyfriend without any inference from me. He played the role of my ex boyfriend trying to reconnect with me for two weeks. He did not blatantly state that I am your ex boyfriend pretending to be someone else because I am afraid that you may reject me. He gradually unveiled himself. Dispersing modicums of my past relationships and patterns of the untamed rage. His conversations sounded similar to the person that he was or he was trying to imitate. I was for a single moment completely confused on where my analysis was with this character.


It was intriguing yet ominous. I considered for fleeting moments that this person could be my ex playing one of his mind game. I cogitate that I was being abused by proxy and that my ex had engineer this situation and had enlisted the aid of one of his avatars to do the heinous injury. I was becoming paranoid. I kept thinking what the avatar had to gain from this situation. Why is it tantamount that these men decompose my self concept and esteem? Am I a lunatic magnet? Do I attract mad men?


The most arcane yet fundamental aspect of my observation was that this Henry personality appeared more genuine when he was assumingly playing the role of my former narcissistic friend than when he was the PhD scholar in decision making and management science. I mused that the cast of the former friend may appear more genuine because the persona that he presented is indeed falsified or I may just be conversing with someone closer to home than I thought.



This narcissist gave me a glimpse at the constant verbal abuse and excoriation I would have been subjected to. He implied that I should be grateful that the narcissist had abandoned me and cease chasing a shadow. He did not understand (as I will explain in my issue on whom to go to for support when you are a victim of narcissism) or rather he refused to see my side of the story. He wanted to me to see an image that was tarnished by his lies and constant games.
He decided to revert back to his first personage and to shed the boyfriend character. It appeared that the game had lost its passion or he wanted to befuddle me some more. The damage had already been done. When he played that role, he had destroyed any ounce of credibility. His integrity was smear eternally in my eyes. I saw him as a compulsive, pathological liar. I regard him as an untrustworthy individual. A reckless disposition that should be kept at arm’s length.


Moreover he had made it clear to me that he was a master manipulator. The hoax confirmed that this individual did not have any regard for my feelings and that this person was capable of anything. This unalleviated spiteful attack on my emotions was rudely awakening as it was menacing. But I was thankful that he showed me this side of his personality. It has reaffirmed my relationship with him and what mettle of man he really is.


The narcissist claimed that I was weak because I felt love and emotions. He asserted that I was not strong and individuals who seek to find love in the world are weak people. He did not see affection as a virtue but rather a curse and a handicap. He regarded my repulsion of narcissism as hint that I was still hang up on my ex. He was unable to construe the difference between consumed love and intense revulsion.



The most frightening aspect of the relation with the online narcissist was the exhaustion. I felt depleted after our conversations. My sister and significant other could not understand why I sat around my computer at nights conversing with an apparent dangerous and deranged man. My sister spoke with him couple of times and conceded that he was the most depraved individual alive.


It seem the more I associated with him; pieces of my vivacity and vim were eaten away. It was evident that the conversations with this toxic individual were affecting me. I quickly conceded that this was exactly how I would feel if I was involved with a narcissist, emotionally drain and psychologically teetering on sanity. Thank god!

Jamaican Men Money and Relationships

Jamaican women and Jamaican men in Relationship

Yesterday I sat with my girlfriends at lunch and listen as they mooned over the latest drama that developed in their relationships. I stood up and asked my girlfriends if they thought true love existed anymore. I knew that this topic would generate a plethora of idea. My conjectures were right as my girlfriends became frenzy with opinions. Their face etched with disdain and disgust as they spouted the notable irritable qualities and numerous character flaws that Jamaican men evince. Every commented ended with the fact that Jamaican men were irresponsible fathers, lousy companions and gaudy creatures. My girlfriends conceded that Jamaican men were not interested in family and relationship. My friends said that love was lost and that men only wanted to have sex. My friends said that “is why we no fraid fi nyam dem out”
Jamaican men have come a far way with regards to familial precepts and values. My grandmother told me that men during her time, men were more involved in the upbringing of children than today. My grandmother stated that irreverence for Jamaican men aroused when males lost their powers in the home by refusing to seek knowledge and choosing the prison over the university.
Ignorance is partially responsible for the frustrations and heartaches that are plaguing relationships with Jamaican men. Seventy percent of Jamaican men are semiliterate or illiterate. Females far outnumber their male counterparts in the universities and in corporate Jamaica. Successful Women are finding it increasingly frustrating to find a partner, who is on her financial and intellectual level. The few perceivably accomplished men are very unavailable when it comes to any form of meaningful relationships. Financially stable men are not quick to form a relationship with one woman since there are many women in the streets with similar good qualities and characteristics. Therefore there are many women around for the picking, why settle for one when you can have five.
Additionally women are discovering that men of every stratum in Jamaica exude the same values and embrace corresponding relational philosophies. Women realized that men were not interested in the formation of solid relational unions but more of a serial monogamy and polyandric relationships. Men visit women and have sexual relations with her in exchange for money. The woman and man are allowed to maintain their single status.
Many women have found this form of relationship satisfying as her economical needs are being satisfied and the relational strings are not attached, offering her freedom to copulate with as many men as possible. This is what I refer to as sanitized prostitution. This lifestyle has lead to a rise in promiscuity among Jamaican young women as they attempt to have sex with as many men as possible to cover the bills.
Men embraced this notion and have begun to regard every woman in the same light. Jamaican men believe that every woman that pursues a relationship with him wants some form of financial return for it. Jamaican women asserted that if you exude love for the man, he will not support you financially but if you pretend to be indifferent you will coerce financial support from him. The idea is that men do not respond to expressions of genuine love because most women do not want affection, they only want money. Women who sincerely want a meaningful relationship find it difficult to convince a man of sincerity. The man will naturally assume that she is pretending, and when she gets into his system, she will unveil her mercenary character. Many women have maintained the stance that most Jamaican men are only interested in sex. Women contended that men do not want affection and resort to using men as financial institution whose only purpose is to improve their economical standings.
I sat down and presented the same questions to an accomplished, financially stabled Mr. Callen. Mr Callen claimed that men have become protective of their hearts because women have been corrupted by other women and a good woman is hard to find. Mr. Callen states that “Women are some of the most, manipulative, selfish, and dangerous people I know”. Mr. Callen attributes women’s power over men due to the fact that women weaken men “it’s not just Jamaica...all over the world....men are stupid when it comes to women”. Mr Callen went on to state that the idea of being married or feeling wholesome with another person is losing its credence. “The danger is when people believe that they need someone to complete them...make them whole”. Another male asserted that Jamaican men need to be cognizant of their needs and wants instead of sexual intemperance. Mr Callen claimed that” very few are enlightened as I am”.
Some social scientists claim that the harsh economical condition of the Jamaican society has caused a shift in relational values. Women are seeking men who will be able to support their children; men are taking advantage of the plenitude of available accomplished women by being promiscuous and unattached. Anthropologically, when resources are scarce, in this case women, the most desirable traits that are portrayed by a woman will win her a partner with equivalent characteristics. There are many women in Jamaica with desirable characteristics, men can choose, play, mislead and refused because there are many more fishes in the sea. Women have to be fighting other women for men. The competitions between females have become intense because so-called good men are few in numbers.
Others have asserted that Jamaican men are anthropogically promiscuous and polygamic based on the ethos that was taught to them via their ancestral African lineage. Jamaican men are culturally inclined to have more than one woman in their life. The capacity to have a myriad of women and to be able to take care of them connotes that a man is financial stable, communally revered by his peers and emulated by younger males. Jamaican men are simply acting out an ancestral trait that is found among Africans and men of African descent.
Jamaican men claim women are only interested in procuring money and not in any form of meaningful, committed profound relationships. Men will force a relationship with a man who is not fervently interested in him by offering her money in return for relations. It is also a shared opinion that a Jamaican man will not spend his money on one woman while he has another woman draining his pocket. At the end of the day, it is not just Jamaican women that gave rise to the validation of money before copulation but equally Jamaican men. Men have contributed to the relational canon by offering women money for relationship. There are young men who are pursuing a car or any apparent artifact that communicates wealth in order to ensnare women into their bedrooms.
Conclusively, what role money plays in a relationship between a Jamaican man and woman? Recently there has been a rise in Jamaican men insisting that in order for them to establish any concrete relationship with any woman she has bring some form of money to the table. There are some men who refuse to have a relationship with a woman, who does not have a job. In other words, women are not the only ones who are saying “no dough, no looove”. There has been a rise in the demand for a woman to bring economical independence to the relationship. To be honest, I think that is an excellent idea for both partners to satisfy the financial needs of the relationship. But should this be the premier criterion for having a relationship? Should money determine what level of relational or sexual interaction, one has with a prospective partner? I would like you to answer that for me!

Are Jamaican Men Insecure

Are Jamaican men insecure?

I was browsing online for some inspirations to this topic before I wrote it. I came across many yahoo and wiki questions on the self assurance, confidence and esteem of Jamaican men. I decided that I will look at the factors behind the insecure and jealous nature of some Jamaican men.
Jamaican men were socialized to believe that when his spouse is dedicated and faithful to him that it is a sign of genuine masculine maturity (in my native tongue “him a de man a yard”). But this is simply one side to the equation as many boys are inculcated to believe largely by social inference that a man’s personality and character principles are not sufficient to get a woman furthermore maintain a relationship. The boys are taught that they need money in order to get a woman. They are indoctrinated to believe that without pecuniary influences a woman will not be interested in them. Most men who are financially well off continue to cement this ideology based on the numerous females that they copulate with and have relations with as oppose to their less financially viable lower class counterparts. Men who have money have a lot of girls while the poor man has a one woman or when he gets a girl. Some less wealthy men have to empty their pockets for sometimes a single night of sexual intercourse with a woman. Young men are encouraged to pursue wealth, materialism and superiority so that women will flock them. Women are encouraged investing in their images to get a man while boys are thought to invest in their abilities and hustle to get a woman.
Women also contribute to this notion. Young girls are taught that a man’s value is determined by the depth of his pocket and his material possession. Women often insult men by insinuating or blatantly telling them that they have fallen short on satisfying the financial needs of the family or union. Young women who chose partners that are less than ideal often face opposition from family members and outright disapproval from society for giving her body to a broke “worthless boy”. Women are very intolerant of unfavorable behavior from less than ideal partners but will stand for abuse and misconducts from wealthy men.
Majority of Jamaican males are semi-literate and hold skilled jobs. A great number of Jamaican men are not very intelligent. The lack of education and access to jobs that will greatly improve their financial status stymie social and economical advancement for most young men and buttress insecure feelings about their worth and place in society. The presence of more wealthy men who are capable of snatching their women away is a great fear for many Jamaican men since many of them lack the social and financial resources that society deems makes them an ideal partner.
These conflicting and competitive factors are the reasons behind the perceived jealous and insecure nature of Jamaican men. This insecurity of Jamaican black men also stems from socio historical factors. During the days of slavery, black women were used and sexually exploited by free mulattos and white men because they had power and money. Many black slaves were wary of involvement with fellow female slaves for fear of losing her to white man. The story of lover’s leap in Jamaica is a prime example of this phenomenon. If a white man discovers that a girl he likes is involved with a fellow male slave, the relationship will be terminated by killing the slave, separating the union by selling the male slave or threats of heinous punishment.
In many cases when a young woman leaves a young man in Jamaica it is often due to finding a man that can offer a better financial support. Jamaican men have very fragile egos especially males from the lower socio-economical class. Many well off men also have self esteem problems as they use arrogance and narcissism to mask their sexual and personal self perceived inadequacies. This is the main factor behind their insecurity and jealousy. Sexual underperformance is a major fear for most Jamaican men.
Jamaican men are jealous because they are afraid of losing their women who they see as extensions of themselves. Once a woman has a relationship with a man they are viewed as one within the society, the wife becomes an extension of the husband. Jamaican men fear infidelity because it would be an indication that they are having relational problems. His image and masculinity will be questioned by the society. His friends might think he has sexual or financial inadequacies and therefore that is why his woman cheated on him.
Jamaican men exudes bout of rage and jealousy as a means of manipulating and controlling their spouse. The female is cowered into submission. Some Jamaican men used threats and violence to manipulate the woman into believing she cannot leave him or cheat on him. When a woman cheats on her man, she is telling the world that he does not have any control over her. She has destroyed the ideals that the Jamaican man may have bragged to his friends. She is indicating to the world that their relationship is not solid. The world will think that her man is either sexually inadequate or financially embarrassed.