Jamaican Men homophobic yet spend a lot of time bonding with men

This is a conversation that i have had aplenty with my spouse and male friends about the unlimited amount of time they feel inclined to spend with male friends instead of with their partners. I am not saying that they should commit themselves exclusively to their wives but many men will spend the entire day at work with friends then spend another four hours after work with male brethren at the bar and their entire weekend with other men. My spouse replied that sometimes they are not at bars with men but with other women( often promiscuous, loose, tartly women) that is they are basically hunting in packs.

When my spouse comes home sometimes after 12 midnight or one am, he claims he walked out the road to be with his boys and when i would tag along oftentimes, i am the sole female among a bag of men often gossiping about people's business, potential and achieved sexual conquest. I am no longer invited to these extended male bonding sessions since i consistently rain on their parade and trounced their frivolous, prurient, superficial conversations.

I have had countless discussion with men and women about the fact that even though Jamaican men are homophobic, they spend an awful amount of time bonding with men. It appears that the only thing they don't do with men is have sex with them but they would rather spend their entire day with male friends and come home when they want to have sex, eat thier dinner, sleep or take a shower. If his male friends cook food then rest assure that you are not going to see your man anytime soon.

If they have a friend who spends a lot of time with his woman than with them (male friends) they begin to "bun" out the woman and bring strife to disintegrate the relationship. Some men begin to call their male friends who spend time with their women defamatory terms such as implying that they are with their women all the time because he is watching her. He will be ashamed of such a pronouncement and other this particular male to spend more time with them. They will often taunt a man who is on lockdown. Women are basically only good for sex, show and procreation. While male opinion and company is valued and dogmas are only considered correct if it is seen from a man and his male friendès perspectives.

They are content spending time with other men, interacting, sharing thoughts and experiences yet they think it is unmanly and taboo to do the same with their female spouses. Very few men have genuine female friends who they are not intimately involved with. It appears that a relationship with any woman that is acoitus is seen as foolish and unreasonable. How can you be just a friend with a woman without "looking" her under the cover or pretending to get in her pantie. women are made for intercourse and nothing more, how can you befriend a woman simply for her personality and reasoning ability. How Chauvinistic!


Men do need their "Guy" time but once you are in a relationship, you can no longer live like a bachelor. Most Jamaican men don't mind living like they are college boys in their twenties living the sweet bachelor life while their wives pine away at home for their love and companionship. In many cases the woman grows to resent the man and end up cheating on him. I know of situations where women are pregnant and near labour due dates and their partners are out clubbing with his friends. I know men who their women have to fight them to get them to ge them to spend an evening with her and it is often boring or the atmosphere tinged with simmering anger since he would rather be at the bar or out chatting with his bachelor wanna-be-friends. The female often resents letting him stay since nothing changes.

Even though some men may claim that they are too busy to spend time with their wives. They always seem to find time to bond with male friends and sleep around with other women. Some women seldom see their partners in daylight and others can count on their hands, the last time they sat and "reasoned"with their man. Most men will come home, eat his dinner, take a bath and go back on the road only to return when he is sleepy which is often around 1 or 2 am the next morning. And that is what most men call spending time together. When a man says he is going to chill with you, watch and see how quickly he falls asleep or make an excuse to go back on the road.

Diary of a lovelorn victim of narcissism: Lethargy and disenchantment

The numb of the pain that I am experiencing within my system is nothing compared to the hollowness that I feel within my body. My mind feels as if it has been disconnected from my being. My soul is like a scared child cowered in the inner most recesses of my existence. My future seem dim, I did not know that a shared tiny moment would have affected my entire life. I react in tears to displays of affection and my body recoils from embrace of love from the opposite sex. I have begun to see your face on all of them. I have used your behavior as a yardstick for their conduct. Why can’t you be like them?


He seemed to have moved on very easily. He pretends I do not exist while I am withering away in to my fantasies of me and him. I keep dreaming, desperate for a reconnection I know will not materialized and even if it transpires the experience will not be less harrowing.


What can I do? I carry one with hope that one day the pain will go away. I pray that I will feel whole again, alive and in tune with who I am. I salvage what’s left of my self esteem and I drag on. My joy has been taken away. I cannot have fun. I am in a crowd and I feel starkly alone. I am surrounded by love still I only feel hatred and revulsion. I want to run to a corner in my room and lick my wounds. But I get up. I dance, laugh and return gestures.


If you could stare into my eyes, you would see that there was not one sparkle there. If you stared closely, you would have noticed my tight, forced smile. If you pried deeper you would have seen that my joy is merely skin deep. Nothing on the surface has reached my soul. But I cannot force my problems on you. You empathy and sympathy might reinforce the dullness and pain I am feeling. Some may re-traumatized me and others simply will not understand. My wounds are not palpable and tactile, they are soulful and emotional. You wouldn’t understand. Therefore I drag on…


Yes I drag since my feet refused to lift of the ground. I am too lethargic. Some days I am too weak but still I carry on for fear I may vegetate and then the narcissist would have won. He would have laughed at me and his ego inflated taking comfort and joy in my despair. I must go on. I must pick up the pieces and find a way to mend them back together. I must find my soul. Soul where are you? I must go on!

Break ups 101: It is too little too Late

Break ups 101: It is too little too Late

You long for the love that you once had before. The moments that you had with your EX that you probably took for granted then are now more precious than gold. You relive experiences in your mind. You romanticize about your ex-lover and the day that he will be back in your arms. And then you wake up the next morning and the harsh reality of your situation hits you!

Your heart rent from your chest and your partner gnaws it right before your eyes. You faint into obscurity and an abyss of infinite pain and misery. A pool of emotions so overwhelming that even the greatest swimmer is liable to drown in it. A chasm that only the arms of your love can extract you from its depth of anguish and eternal torment, granting you life, verve and vim like you had experience from.
For whatever reasons your relationship ended it should be noted that your partner found something about you that he was attracted to and it is liable that he stills love those qualities. It is just that at the moment your demerits are overshadowing those qualities or he has found someone else who exhibits those qualities at a better dimension.


It is never too late and true love never dies. I am not going to stand here and tell you to get over him and move on with your life nor will I support you pursuing a relationship that is probably unhealthy and will only engender more pain in the long run.


What I will advice is for you to follow your head. Yes I said your head and not your heart. Our hearts have a knack for misleading us as women as our intuitive natures tend to override our intelligence when it comes to men, rendering us stupefied. We rationalize that it is futile pursuing this man but our traitorous hearts will not let go of the growl in his voice and our bodies betray us by yearning for the feel of his hard angular, masculine body. We know that nothing good will come out of reconnecting with this man but yet our heart keeps telling us “just this once…just one more chance to make it alright” …one more night, give me just one more night…and then our hearts get broken and he leaves again.

The truth is that you cannot force someone to love you and regardless of what you assume about your Ex-lovers feelings towards you, it should not cloud the reality of the situation. Calling him and trying to convince him to reconnect with you will only backfire. You may end up pushing him further away and subjecting yourself to disrespect (if he is abusive) and more pain than you could possibly feel, if you had accepted the situation as it is.


The worst thing that you could do is try and persuade a grown man about his decisions or try to reason with him. If he is not a mature and intelligent man who understands the dynamics of human emotions; your pleas for reconciliation may prove only as comic relief for him and his friends. He will also lose respect for you and may see you as being needy, desperate and lacking emotional strength.


Calling him will do more harm than good and begging him to take you back may subject you to exploitation if he is an unscrupulous individual. A deceitful and immoral man will not be hesitant in destroying a woman that wears her heart on her sleeves! If you are a successful woman and financially wealth off, a less financially stable man that you are pining over may well reconnect with you to siphon your money and then dump you when your wallet runs dry!


Buying him expensive accoutrement and being ‘loving poetic’ won’t get you anywhere. Men do not respond to gifts and endearments the way we do. That’s the reason why poetry and words works better on us than it does on them. Now you know why pouring out your heart to a man does not make him cry but make him look at you with than disgusted smirk on his face. But if he should pour his heart out. You will need a boat to get out of the house, the way you’ll rain in the emotions!

Additionally pining and romancing over him won’t help. It only makes you feel worst when you leave the utopic world and realize that it was all in your head. While you are there dying over this man he is probably out having the time of his life and having little or no thought of you. Get yourself back together. Join the gym or go jogging, you can log on online and try some great exercise program or jog around your house. You will be amazed at what exercise can do to your mood and in the long run, you may get the physique that will make your Ex want to crawl back to you!


Take a course somewhere, delve into your career, join a support group or get involve in volunteer work. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself? Do things that highlight your assets and allow you to use your aptitudes. You will be surprise and how much you forget the pain when you are busy. Your Ex may not come back into your life but by keeping yourself busy. You will get over the hurt and the pain will get easier as the days go by! You learn something new about yourself and ma well magnified some inherent skills that lay dormant because you were being distracted. You may attract the kind of man that will cause your heart to flutter again and this time for real!


And cry when you want to cry! Feel the pain, accept the hurt and take the time to reevaluate your life and what it is that you want. This would be the best time for you to decide whether or not you need this man back into your life. Don’t be afraid to be alone, when you have passed this phase you won’t even notice your solitary situation! I would rather be alone than be with a man that is hurting me!

I believe in destiny and my mother always says ‘if he is the one …don’t worry he is coming right back!” if he loves you with all his heart and realizes that he feels inadequate without you. He will be coming back. But think carefully before you take your ex-lover back. You need to do some serious discussions and make hard decisions about your roles in the relationship so as to ensure that what happened before does not happen again. If you doubt your Ex-boyfriend’s renewed commitment to you then it is best to leave the relationship in its broken shape! Being in a relationship with high levels of insecurity may cause you more harm than happiness.


Get over it! It’s his lost not yours! He has just given you a chance to find someone better!

Living with Henry the Narcissist

Living with Henry: the narcissist

When I was enamored (fixated) with a narcissistic man, I did not look at the situation from futuristic and permanent standpoint. I did not visualize what life would be like cohabitating with a man that suffers from narcissistic personality disorder. I was given a glimpse of that life when I met a friend online who appears to be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder or simply exude high levels of narcissistic traits interlaced with antisocial disorder.


This malevolent net mate was controlling, inflated and possessive. He had contrived a biography where he is a successful computer engineer with numerous clients. He was a chameleon, jack of all trades. There were days when he was a lecturer at a prestigious university. Some days he was a marine engineer and other days he was a savvy business man with numerous clients coming to his doorsteps at rude hours of the night. He had the most inflated ego I have ever had the misfortune to acquaint. His inflated self image was staggering and appalling. The narcissist misogynistic overture and sexual innuendos were distasteful.


He was a pathological liar and the most sanctimonious person I have ever dealt with. His self righteous personage was highlighted by his twisted sense of justice and morality. He would lambaste an individual for lying to him and yet he lied profusely. He was rather defensive when he thought he was being offended and yet expected others to tolerate his obnoxious behavior. He did not see anything wrong with his repugnant behavior. In fact he claimed that he does not care if people liked him because he liked him self and that’s all that mattered to him. Narcissism indeed!


I made the mistake of relating his narcissistic traits to that of a phantasm from my past and the malignant figure launched into tirade, defending my phantasm and laying the blame at my feet of course. I was amused then incensed at the narcissist inability to empathize. He perceived my anger at the experience I had with another narcissist as mere indication that I was still in love with him. The man was unable to dissect emotions further cementing his narrow sightedness and incapacity to distinct human reactionary feelings. When I vented my disgust and outrage at the behavior of narcissists, he challenged that I was being petulant because I could not manipulate the narcissist. I could not compel the narcissist to satisfy my needs and therefore I become angry and frustrated. Talk about projection! What the narcissist was saying to me was a deep mirroring of his attempt to control and manipulate me into complying with his demands and embracing his line of thought.


A narcissist lack emotional intelligence and is only responsive to two types of behavioral emotions and those are attacking and raging. The narcissist will bombard you with insults as a form of attack and then when you retaliate or threatened them in any essence they will launched into rampages aimed at cowering and reestablishing control. This narcissist did not hesitate to furnish my ideals and self concepts with his scathing perspectives and supercilious ideologies. He spoke as if he was the most trenchant individual alive. His opinions were spouted with erudite terms, mainly verbiage speeches with little or no sapient content aimed at subverting my self concept and undermining my intelligence.



If I did not know any better. I would have said my ex had sent a friend to finish the job off. The man’s conduct was similar to my ex boyfriend but ten times amplified. The thing about pathology is that it is predictable and the minute one who suffers personality syndrome arrives, he will be quickly pin point and categorize. In spite of my better judgment I decided to continue this charade with the narcissist online so as to get a real life glimpse into the pathology. I wanted to see narcissism from the outside. I wanted to look at it for the first time through the eyes of a social science researcher or a psychologist and not a lovelorn partner.


I got to witness narcissism from a detached and unemotional standpoint. I converse with the narcissist daily, observed and internalized his responses like an avid social scientist watching an interesting experimental phenomenon unfold. I realized based on our daily association that this was what I had to deal with, if I had pursued a relationship with a narcissist. This was the hell that I yearned for months ago. I felt a wave of pity and despondence for the women that lived with this malignance and have endured the constant battering that composed life with the narcissist.



The narcissist constantly devaluated and avidly conflicted my opinions to shut down my concepts and doctrines. The repressive natures of the interaction, the obscenities were geared at reducing my self concept by making my existence comparable to glucose ridden edibles and at other times, Human effluent erasers. He would idealize in one paragraph and devaluate in the very next. His excuse for being abusive and for the abuse of a narcissist from my past was simple to make me stronger. He contended that I was very weak to fall in love and that deities like himself were not amenable to such feeble expressions and feelings. He made a violation and I petitioned him to apologize. He hurled obscenities and at me and questioned why he needed to apologize to me. I broke into loud guffaws. This man was something else.


The most enthralling segments of our online interaction were the mirror effecting and projection. The man perceived simple and natural reactions to my intellectualization and psychologising of his behavior as an indication that I was mad. He kept diagnosing me. He said that I was a narcissist, another time I suffered from obsession and lately I had a split personality. This man was hilarious and had me laughing to the shock and amusement of my sister who was watching our conversations sometimes.



I mused for a while when the narcissist did the most conceivable disturbing thing. He pretended to be my ex boyfriend without any inference from me. He played the role of my ex boyfriend trying to reconnect with me for two weeks. He did not blatantly state that I am your ex boyfriend pretending to be someone else because I am afraid that you may reject me. He gradually unveiled himself. Dispersing modicums of my past relationships and patterns of the untamed rage. His conversations sounded similar to the person that he was or he was trying to imitate. I was for a single moment completely confused on where my analysis was with this character.


It was intriguing yet ominous. I considered for fleeting moments that this person could be my ex playing one of his mind game. I cogitate that I was being abused by proxy and that my ex had engineer this situation and had enlisted the aid of one of his avatars to do the heinous injury. I was becoming paranoid. I kept thinking what the avatar had to gain from this situation. Why is it tantamount that these men decompose my self concept and esteem? Am I a lunatic magnet? Do I attract mad men?


The most arcane yet fundamental aspect of my observation was that this Henry personality appeared more genuine when he was assumingly playing the role of my former narcissistic friend than when he was the PhD scholar in decision making and management science. I mused that the cast of the former friend may appear more genuine because the persona that he presented is indeed falsified or I may just be conversing with someone closer to home than I thought.



This narcissist gave me a glimpse at the constant verbal abuse and excoriation I would have been subjected to. He implied that I should be grateful that the narcissist had abandoned me and cease chasing a shadow. He did not understand (as I will explain in my issue on whom to go to for support when you are a victim of narcissism) or rather he refused to see my side of the story. He wanted to me to see an image that was tarnished by his lies and constant games.
He decided to revert back to his first personage and to shed the boyfriend character. It appeared that the game had lost its passion or he wanted to befuddle me some more. The damage had already been done. When he played that role, he had destroyed any ounce of credibility. His integrity was smear eternally in my eyes. I saw him as a compulsive, pathological liar. I regard him as an untrustworthy individual. A reckless disposition that should be kept at arm’s length.


Moreover he had made it clear to me that he was a master manipulator. The hoax confirmed that this individual did not have any regard for my feelings and that this person was capable of anything. This unalleviated spiteful attack on my emotions was rudely awakening as it was menacing. But I was thankful that he showed me this side of his personality. It has reaffirmed my relationship with him and what mettle of man he really is.


The narcissist claimed that I was weak because I felt love and emotions. He asserted that I was not strong and individuals who seek to find love in the world are weak people. He did not see affection as a virtue but rather a curse and a handicap. He regarded my repulsion of narcissism as hint that I was still hang up on my ex. He was unable to construe the difference between consumed love and intense revulsion.



The most frightening aspect of the relation with the online narcissist was the exhaustion. I felt depleted after our conversations. My sister and significant other could not understand why I sat around my computer at nights conversing with an apparent dangerous and deranged man. My sister spoke with him couple of times and conceded that he was the most depraved individual alive.


It seem the more I associated with him; pieces of my vivacity and vim were eaten away. It was evident that the conversations with this toxic individual were affecting me. I quickly conceded that this was exactly how I would feel if I was involved with a narcissist, emotionally drain and psychologically teetering on sanity. Thank god!

The Jamaican Men We Love to Hate: Narcissist/Egoist

The Men we love to Hate!

The Egoist (Part One)

Complex, obstinate and incomprehensible creatures locked into a world of testosterone driven pride, ego and sensibilities. It’s intriguing how men can charged at an enemy with herculean ferocity and yet hold a woman as tenderly as a baby. These beings are capable of triggering magnitudes of overwhelming emotions in females deeming their reflexes temporarily incapacitated. We love the sound of their baritones, whether it’s a growl or a snarl!

We are enamored with the way that they walk, comport themselves. Our defenses crumble when they stare at us with cocky posterity and ensnare our hearts with irresistible charm and finesses! We find them engaging, we fight for them and in extreme cases we may even kill for them!

We invest time, energy and resources, trying to please them.
Oh how we love them…
Until the trifling, lying, deceptive, conniving, no good bastards break our hearts!

If only I knew the scoundrel was not what he had appeared to be. If only we had a criterion board to identify the dissolution beneath the beguiling armor that we fall haplessly and stupidly in love with.

How many women have beaten themselves over relationship blunders? Wondering how we missed that snicker that we thought was a genuine smile and deluded ourselves into believing that he wanted the house, picket white fence and two kids.

The men that we love to hate come in many varieties. We fall in love easily with them because they epitomizes (externally that is) the very essences of what we are seeking in a man. But beware not all that a glitter is gold and men are excellent actors who will play a role with brilliant histrionics until he gets into your drawers.

Too often we see the warning posts and the red flags and ignore them on the premise that we can change him or maybe he will change because, I am different and he will see the distinctions and fall in love with me. only to have him call ( if he calls at all, men hate confrontations that brings their integrity into question and where they may be judged) and let you know that he is not thinking of marriage, the house in the country and Sunday afternoons on the verandah…if you know what I mean!



Unfortunately, these are men that we women can’t help falling in love with!



First and foremost you have the Egoist!

He is cocky, overbearing and exudes a self confidence that outshines a million cities. He is self assured, ambitious and drives a Mercedes. You admire his aggressive attitude, condescension and arrogance.

he walks into a room he commands authority. His dress code is that of a man who has exquisite taste in fashion and invest time in his wardrobe. He is the type of man you could brag to your friends about, the kind of man that you could move up the social and communal ladder through association. The variant of masculine specimen that will make your friends turn green with envy and your grandmother wishing she was young again. The type that causes you to cower in his presence as you rush like a spooked mouse to please the big feline when he meows!


This man is termed full of himself and rest assure he is highly self centered and care little for others. Realizing that he is at the hierarchy of feminine desires, women are of minimal importance to him because he knows that he can ‘pick, choose and refuse’. A man like this is liable to make you fall in love with him through his graceful charm, orientation and swagger. And then he will dump you with alacrity and ruthlessness!


Most Egoists are Narcissist and are normally verbally abusive and scathing of their partners. Men of this nature are single and their relationship status serving both as a trap for potential partners and a staunch indicator that there has to be a deficiency. There has to be an underlining problem or hidden agenda when a man is aesthetically endowed, ambitious and affluent without a woman by his side. (Don’t be deceived because either he is gay or he is a player, a eunuch or a frigid or he has some other hidden deficits)

These hidden deficiencies range from sexual impotence, sexual insecurity, promiscuity, tyranny, verbal abuse to low self esteem and confidence. A person may exude superiority and confidence on the outside but is very insecure and has a low opinion of their own worth!

Materialism, wealth accumulation and success are measures utilized to mask feelings of substandardness that the Egoist may be experiencing. The Egoist thrives on denigrating and demeaning other so as to highlight the insufficiency in others therefore accentuating his often times enviable and desirable traits.

The Egoist sees women as sub beings to his lordship and mere objects to supply his every sexual and in some cases procreative needs. The Egoist will not pursue a relationship with a woman of his disposition but prefers a female of extreme docility. The submissive, acquiesce female that thrives on giving and who nourishes the Egoist’s ego. Inflating it with her meek and catering character, feeding him until he is obese with egoism

In rare some cases the Egoist does pursue a woman of substance but with the intent of vanquishing her, overhauling her self concept and leaving her male poisoned and miserable. The woman of substance is seen as a challenge to an Egoist, a mountain that needs to be eroded and place flat beneath his footstool. The Egoist will pursue the woman of substance, break her and then discard her!
The Egoist is often a shell with no display of human emotions. He lacks remorse, commiseration and empathy.


The Egoist is unforgivable and unforgettable. He inscribes his face in the annexes of feminine memories with his dual personality. Women find him intrigued and yet trepidated by the Egoist because he can facilitate love and inflict pain. He leaves pain, heart ache and desire in his wake. Women are left befuddled by his behavior.


It is not advisable to continue a relationship with an Egoist. Rest assures that he will destroy you. He will annihilate your sensitivity, plunge you into a chasm of low self worth and pick one’s self continuity away with his noxious character forceps. The Egoist is an emotional opportunist and hurting others is done intentionally without rue.

It does not matter how superlative you are, you will never be sufficed for the Egoist. He cares nothing of others, only catering to himself and his egocentricities.

The Egoist does not give into pleasantries hence the abusive personality and you will never receive an apology from an Egoist. Women find the Egoist attractive because he exudes behavioral characteristics that are refined and enchanting only to discover later that such conducts are fallacies utilized to snatch a desperate and naïve heart