How women sometimes allow a narcissist to destroy them?
I can just imagine that you probably started reading this issue with your tongue sharpened to objurgate me for making such a statement. But let me share a personal experience with you before I delved into the central focus of my article.
There was a time when I was in a verbally abusive relationship with a narcissistic man who found great pleasure in ranting obscenities and profane invectives at me effusively. He would launch a tirade at me completely unprovoked. His bout of anger made me very apprehensive about calling his phone or even talking to him because of his labile rampages and tantrums. It was as if he had problems and he was using me as a valve to vent his frustrations. A psychologist friend of mine was very amused when he learned that we were only seeing each other for a week and he was behaving or rather our relationship sounded like we were together for years. It did not stop there. The more I got close to him and demonstrated my feelings for him. The more obnoxious he became.
I remembered his first attack. It was our second time conversing on the phone. I found his petulant response to my opinion of his professed single status as unbelievable and he had excoriated and shut me down for insinuating that I was a liar. Everything about the man was incredible. He was almost too good to be true and I fell in love with him, with most men I could decipher what their intentions were towards me but my ex narcissist was unreadable.
The signs were very clear I just kept overlooking and falling for his kind words, saccharine tone and the romantic text messages he sent. I saw his obnoxious behavior as a desperate attempt by him to act humble. I posit the first subtle obnoxious statement he made was just an overreaction to my questions or he had a bad day. I did not think that it was the real side of the man, slowly but surely emerging. I imagined his possessive attitude and portrayed insecurities as profession of his softer side. It felt good that a man of his caliber could be jealous of a woman he barely knew. I presupposed his jealous responses to my outings and dates with friends were proof that he was smitten, oh how naïve and paltry my masculine assessment skills were.
I thought he had feelings for me. I believe that he was truly lovesick when he was hasting to consummate our relationship even though I wanted to wait based on the fact that I thought our relationship was moving too fast and I wanted to get to know him more. But I gave in under the misconception that he wanted intimacy to reassure his place in my life and to cement his right to ask me questions about my life, whereabouts and companions. I found the idea intriguing, amused and sometimes frightening. A small voice in my head kept telling me there was something wrong with this handsome, successful man with a bad temper.
His paroxysms got worst and I could not placate him. I tried talking to him in a less confrontational attitude and attempted a docile approach to his advances. It was not sufficient. It was as if he had a wanton desire to insult and depreciate me. He excoriated me gushingly and it seemed the more abusive he was, the more I endeavored to emend my behavior to be the best possible spouse.
I validated his opinions to the point where I began to believe that I was annoying him. I began to embrace his confounded yet fragmented notions of my self worth. I began to think he was unhappy with my appearance or was it my financial status or level of education. I decided to cease from using technical jargons and erudite terms in his presence. I perceived that he saw my intelligence as a threat to his ego as I was considerably more trenchant than he was. I kept modifying my behavior and expressions but it was futile.
My narcissist ended the relationship and I was devastated because I had invested immensely in the relationship. I cried for months and I flung myself into a chasm of depression. I was slowly becoming a Limerant. I spent hours recollecting our moments together and analyzing every detail of our private moments to see if there were areas that could have been improved. I felt as if I had did him wrong in spite of the verbal abuse and insults that I was subjected to by this handsome, successful yet grandiose man.
It was six months later when i got my epiphany when the narcissist began to seek out my companionship again. I quickly realized that I liked him for what he represented and not for who he was. I realized that I was in love with a shell and how good it felt parading him in front of my friends and siblings as my partner. I realized that I liked the idea of the man and not the man himself. I saw in him the characters that I needed to develop and I assume that he saw in me what he is not and will never be. He was arrogant whilst I was unassuming. His self confidence was luminous and he had a commanding air about him that made me want to cower in his presence and do his every bidding. He was my match, the only man that intimidated me. I conceded that if he was perceivably poor and unattractive I would have dumped him at the first sign of trouble.
My point basically is that I am not a self righteous female who is here to accuse you of digging your own grave. I am not here to retraumatised you or lambaste you for remaining in an abusive relationship when all signs say that you should leave. I did not stay with him because he was not hurting; it is not that I did not care about myself. You will discover that ironically women stay in hurting relationships because they do care about themselves. They sometimes become an extension of their partner especially if he is a narcissist with the attendant wealth, power and clout. They do not leave because their image and social experience would be damaged. They do not leave because we live in a society that merits people based on aesthetics and financial standing. People who are considered wealthy and attractive are subjected to far more lenient social judgment and highly enhanced social experiences.
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Showing posts with label return one night stands. Show all posts
Showing posts with label return one night stands. Show all posts
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Saturday, January 30, 2010
One Night Stand: A Jamaican Male's Point of View
When i wrote the article about one night stands, a male friend of mine read it and decided that i did not adequately cover all angles of the topic.
This was the supplementary analysis that he sent to me via email...
Thanks for sharing the article with me about One Night Stands.
It’s a powerfully written article by you and seemingly well balanced. You are undoubtedly very gifted in writing skills without a doubt.
However, I do not necessarily agree with all the arguments that you put forward to support this type of behavior.
First someone can have a one night stand because they are having difficulty relating to a partner in their current relationship who is not forthcoming emotionally to put it mildly.
Second you can have one a night stand when the current relationship that one is in has gone somewhat cold or sour and to use an expression and some spice needs to be added.
Third there are one night stands because the first sexual interaction was neither pleasing nor satisfactory to either partner.
Fourth cultural factors such as male dominated societies contribute to this type of behavior.
If I recall correctly this was the first sin that humans fell victim to and May well explain why the void has been filled by having Registered Prostitutes in countries like Germany and Holland as well as others.
I take it your article was being specific to Jamaican society where a degradation in morals over the last 40 yrs has fuelled this type of behavior and the wretched poverty of women in Jamaica has been an added vehicle to drive this phenomena. To be factually correct this type of behavior was alien to Jamaica say 100 yrs ago.
Which begs the question for its origin and continued occurrence.So I would conclude that socio-economic elements and a loosening of the moral code coupled by degraded Christian beliefs must be fully taken into account.
This was the supplementary analysis that he sent to me via email...
Thanks for sharing the article with me about One Night Stands.
It’s a powerfully written article by you and seemingly well balanced. You are undoubtedly very gifted in writing skills without a doubt.
However, I do not necessarily agree with all the arguments that you put forward to support this type of behavior.
First someone can have a one night stand because they are having difficulty relating to a partner in their current relationship who is not forthcoming emotionally to put it mildly.
Second you can have one a night stand when the current relationship that one is in has gone somewhat cold or sour and to use an expression and some spice needs to be added.
Third there are one night stands because the first sexual interaction was neither pleasing nor satisfactory to either partner.
Fourth cultural factors such as male dominated societies contribute to this type of behavior.
If I recall correctly this was the first sin that humans fell victim to and May well explain why the void has been filled by having Registered Prostitutes in countries like Germany and Holland as well as others.
I take it your article was being specific to Jamaican society where a degradation in morals over the last 40 yrs has fuelled this type of behavior and the wretched poverty of women in Jamaica has been an added vehicle to drive this phenomena. To be factually correct this type of behavior was alien to Jamaica say 100 yrs ago.
Which begs the question for its origin and continued occurrence.So I would conclude that socio-economic elements and a loosening of the moral code coupled by degraded Christian beliefs must be fully taken into account.
The ugly side of One night stands with Jamaican Men: Part One
One night stands and Dating
One night stands are central and familiar in the realm of dating and relationships. Men will love em and leave em. Men like to have sex with no strings attached. One night stand generates some sense of sexual confidence for men and to blow off sexual steam without the attachment and emotional demands of a relationship.
Not every man a woman meets will be her soul mate or every man that she copulates with will want to stay with her. It is a road that ninety percent of women have travelled and about sixty percent voyage down that road over and over again: these are the women who never have a boyfriend only succession of one night stand. Men engage in causal encounters for respite and adventurous reasons while women do it with the hopes of snatching a partner. This is supported by the fact that women are more likely to have a cursory intercourse with an attractive loaded stranger than with an unattractive poor one by comparison.
Men lower their standards when they are seeking a one night stand. They will pick up just about any girl in the night and then does not want to see her in the morning. Men love sex without emotional strings attached. It’s primal and a harsh reality for women but it is the truth. Men want sex, at the lowest cost to themself possible and if a man thinks you are giving it, he will take it. No strings attached and no remorse.
For some women getting over a one night stand is easy, especially if she is conversant with that kind of dating and relationship ritual. For others like myself, a one night stand seems like the worst dating scenario and the ramifications may handicapped or exacerbate our dating experiences for the rest of our short existence.
One night stands are popular in western cultures and initiating relationships. Women love the spontaneity of the sexual experience and men relish the idea of their inflated egos ballooning on copping the pussy crown so early.
Men relayed positive feelings of confidence, release of tension and satisfaction in the morning while women felt pejorative, depreciated and deplored especially if the brief encounter does not result in a return call or any other form of relation. It is not that women expect a man to marry her after sex but the female feels that she may have given the male the wrong impression, and men inherently have low regard for women who they have one night stands with…
For men one night stands represent the very devaluation of the feminine imperatives. Women cherish and validate sexual experiences than men. Ninety percent of men will have sex with a woman that he has no feelings for while thirty percent of women will have sex with a man she has feelings for and have no remorse if the relationship ends after the first night of intercourse.
I understand that people are free spirited and not everyone esteems coitus but we should consider the emotional and psychological impact of one night stand. People who engage in one night stands successively are ill developed at relationships. Men who perpetuate one night stand may be just exhibiting primitive responses to the modern ideals of sexuality which denounces promiscuity and embraces copular relationships and exclusivity.
women often complain that the resquestor of one night stands are deceptive since they give the illusion that something profound may be spun from the relationship only to have her hopes dash when he does not resurface after the drop off. But who are they fooling?
Men pretend that they want a relationship and give an ounce of commitment to get sex, women on the other hand give sex in hope of getting a relationship and commitment. Dating is a confusing process since men do not want to wait very long for sex and yet are less likely to take a woman who has sex with them hastily for a wife. Additionally, if the woman should show any sense of value and direction by withholding sex, she is sidelined for the next Whore.
Personally, i would rather be sidelined...lol...
But on the other hand, there are people who do not want the barriers and restrictions that comes along with commitment.
One night stand is a way of getting your sexual needs fulfilled without the added baggage of having a long standing committed relationship with all its throes and woes!
No one needs the drama that comes along with relationship.
This stance on relationship maybe great for those with maverick precepts about love, life and dating but for traditional individuals who validate kindred relationships, intimacy and closeness:
Women(like myself) with archaic notions of relationships, who have not evolved into todays customary casual sex ideology,
Be careful one night stands may not be the best way to go about relationships.
Do not engage in a perceived one nightstand with the hope that the tides will turn and he will want a relationship. The repercussions will tear you apart. Many women have sex with men with hopes that he will have a relationship, only to discover that he was only interested in momentary estactsy. Take your time and get to know your partner.
It should be noted that, making a man wait for intercourse does not guarantee a permanent relationship. But it does add an element of dignity, self value and esteem to your perceived character. If a man decides that you are not the woman for him, if you give in to him tonight or the next ten years, he will use you and leave you. You cannot force a man to love you nor should you wait around for an emotionally unavailable man to change...
Additionally if you are not the free, wild, untamed ‘meet em and leave em’ take it slow and concentrate on you. Be careful and do not make mistakes. People who engage in one night stands often think about themselves than the person that they are with. For them it’s like visiting a restaurant. They will forget your face and your name. So it makes no sense to subject yourself to such casual relations, if you cannot deal with the aftermath feelings that may engulf you which will range from guilt to self flagellation.
If it’s already happened, do not worry…it makes no sense to beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake. Believe me we all do. The only reasons you should be feeling stressed out over a one night stand is if you got pregnant or you caught a sexually transmitted disease. Other than that there is absolutely no reason to be hanged up on it, since the person you did it with has probably forgotten about you already. For a serial one nighter each conquest is remembered with no originality. He only sees himself in the action; he rarely remembers who he did it with.
So don’t waste time maudlin over your conqueror. Just ensure that it does not happen again.
No one can Validate you...You are responsible for setting your own values...
and yes he might find someone esle to do it...
Let him...hahahaha
NEXT!!!!!
One night stands are central and familiar in the realm of dating and relationships. Men will love em and leave em. Men like to have sex with no strings attached. One night stand generates some sense of sexual confidence for men and to blow off sexual steam without the attachment and emotional demands of a relationship.
Not every man a woman meets will be her soul mate or every man that she copulates with will want to stay with her. It is a road that ninety percent of women have travelled and about sixty percent voyage down that road over and over again: these are the women who never have a boyfriend only succession of one night stand. Men engage in causal encounters for respite and adventurous reasons while women do it with the hopes of snatching a partner. This is supported by the fact that women are more likely to have a cursory intercourse with an attractive loaded stranger than with an unattractive poor one by comparison.
Men lower their standards when they are seeking a one night stand. They will pick up just about any girl in the night and then does not want to see her in the morning. Men love sex without emotional strings attached. It’s primal and a harsh reality for women but it is the truth. Men want sex, at the lowest cost to themself possible and if a man thinks you are giving it, he will take it. No strings attached and no remorse.
For some women getting over a one night stand is easy, especially if she is conversant with that kind of dating and relationship ritual. For others like myself, a one night stand seems like the worst dating scenario and the ramifications may handicapped or exacerbate our dating experiences for the rest of our short existence.
One night stands are popular in western cultures and initiating relationships. Women love the spontaneity of the sexual experience and men relish the idea of their inflated egos ballooning on copping the pussy crown so early.
Men relayed positive feelings of confidence, release of tension and satisfaction in the morning while women felt pejorative, depreciated and deplored especially if the brief encounter does not result in a return call or any other form of relation. It is not that women expect a man to marry her after sex but the female feels that she may have given the male the wrong impression, and men inherently have low regard for women who they have one night stands with…
For men one night stands represent the very devaluation of the feminine imperatives. Women cherish and validate sexual experiences than men. Ninety percent of men will have sex with a woman that he has no feelings for while thirty percent of women will have sex with a man she has feelings for and have no remorse if the relationship ends after the first night of intercourse.
I understand that people are free spirited and not everyone esteems coitus but we should consider the emotional and psychological impact of one night stand. People who engage in one night stands successively are ill developed at relationships. Men who perpetuate one night stand may be just exhibiting primitive responses to the modern ideals of sexuality which denounces promiscuity and embraces copular relationships and exclusivity.
women often complain that the resquestor of one night stands are deceptive since they give the illusion that something profound may be spun from the relationship only to have her hopes dash when he does not resurface after the drop off. But who are they fooling?
Men pretend that they want a relationship and give an ounce of commitment to get sex, women on the other hand give sex in hope of getting a relationship and commitment. Dating is a confusing process since men do not want to wait very long for sex and yet are less likely to take a woman who has sex with them hastily for a wife. Additionally, if the woman should show any sense of value and direction by withholding sex, she is sidelined for the next Whore.
Personally, i would rather be sidelined...lol...
But on the other hand, there are people who do not want the barriers and restrictions that comes along with commitment.
One night stand is a way of getting your sexual needs fulfilled without the added baggage of having a long standing committed relationship with all its throes and woes!
No one needs the drama that comes along with relationship.
This stance on relationship maybe great for those with maverick precepts about love, life and dating but for traditional individuals who validate kindred relationships, intimacy and closeness:
Women(like myself) with archaic notions of relationships, who have not evolved into todays customary casual sex ideology,
Be careful one night stands may not be the best way to go about relationships.
Do not engage in a perceived one nightstand with the hope that the tides will turn and he will want a relationship. The repercussions will tear you apart. Many women have sex with men with hopes that he will have a relationship, only to discover that he was only interested in momentary estactsy. Take your time and get to know your partner.
It should be noted that, making a man wait for intercourse does not guarantee a permanent relationship. But it does add an element of dignity, self value and esteem to your perceived character. If a man decides that you are not the woman for him, if you give in to him tonight or the next ten years, he will use you and leave you. You cannot force a man to love you nor should you wait around for an emotionally unavailable man to change...
Additionally if you are not the free, wild, untamed ‘meet em and leave em’ take it slow and concentrate on you. Be careful and do not make mistakes. People who engage in one night stands often think about themselves than the person that they are with. For them it’s like visiting a restaurant. They will forget your face and your name. So it makes no sense to subject yourself to such casual relations, if you cannot deal with the aftermath feelings that may engulf you which will range from guilt to self flagellation.
If it’s already happened, do not worry…it makes no sense to beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake. Believe me we all do. The only reasons you should be feeling stressed out over a one night stand is if you got pregnant or you caught a sexually transmitted disease. Other than that there is absolutely no reason to be hanged up on it, since the person you did it with has probably forgotten about you already. For a serial one nighter each conquest is remembered with no originality. He only sees himself in the action; he rarely remembers who he did it with.
So don’t waste time maudlin over your conqueror. Just ensure that it does not happen again.
No one can Validate you...You are responsible for setting your own values...
and yes he might find someone esle to do it...
Let him...hahahaha
NEXT!!!!!
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Break ups 101: It is too little too Late
Break ups 101: It is too little too Late
You long for the love that you once had before. The moments that you had with your EX that you probably took for granted then are now more precious than gold. You relive experiences in your mind. You romanticize about your ex-lover and the day that he will be back in your arms. And then you wake up the next morning and the harsh reality of your situation hits you!
Your heart rent from your chest and your partner gnaws it right before your eyes. You faint into obscurity and an abyss of infinite pain and misery. A pool of emotions so overwhelming that even the greatest swimmer is liable to drown in it. A chasm that only the arms of your love can extract you from its depth of anguish and eternal torment, granting you life, verve and vim like you had experience from.
For whatever reasons your relationship ended it should be noted that your partner found something about you that he was attracted to and it is liable that he stills love those qualities. It is just that at the moment your demerits are overshadowing those qualities or he has found someone else who exhibits those qualities at a better dimension.
It is never too late and true love never dies. I am not going to stand here and tell you to get over him and move on with your life nor will I support you pursuing a relationship that is probably unhealthy and will only engender more pain in the long run.
What I will advice is for you to follow your head. Yes I said your head and not your heart. Our hearts have a knack for misleading us as women as our intuitive natures tend to override our intelligence when it comes to men, rendering us stupefied. We rationalize that it is futile pursuing this man but our traitorous hearts will not let go of the growl in his voice and our bodies betray us by yearning for the feel of his hard angular, masculine body. We know that nothing good will come out of reconnecting with this man but yet our heart keeps telling us “just this once…just one more chance to make it alright” …one more night, give me just one more night…and then our hearts get broken and he leaves again.
The truth is that you cannot force someone to love you and regardless of what you assume about your Ex-lovers feelings towards you, it should not cloud the reality of the situation. Calling him and trying to convince him to reconnect with you will only backfire. You may end up pushing him further away and subjecting yourself to disrespect (if he is abusive) and more pain than you could possibly feel, if you had accepted the situation as it is.
The worst thing that you could do is try and persuade a grown man about his decisions or try to reason with him. If he is not a mature and intelligent man who understands the dynamics of human emotions; your pleas for reconciliation may prove only as comic relief for him and his friends. He will also lose respect for you and may see you as being needy, desperate and lacking emotional strength.
Calling him will do more harm than good and begging him to take you back may subject you to exploitation if he is an unscrupulous individual. A deceitful and immoral man will not be hesitant in destroying a woman that wears her heart on her sleeves! If you are a successful woman and financially wealth off, a less financially stable man that you are pining over may well reconnect with you to siphon your money and then dump you when your wallet runs dry!
Buying him expensive accoutrement and being ‘loving poetic’ won’t get you anywhere. Men do not respond to gifts and endearments the way we do. That’s the reason why poetry and words works better on us than it does on them. Now you know why pouring out your heart to a man does not make him cry but make him look at you with than disgusted smirk on his face. But if he should pour his heart out. You will need a boat to get out of the house, the way you’ll rain in the emotions!
Additionally pining and romancing over him won’t help. It only makes you feel worst when you leave the utopic world and realize that it was all in your head. While you are there dying over this man he is probably out having the time of his life and having little or no thought of you. Get yourself back together. Join the gym or go jogging, you can log on online and try some great exercise program or jog around your house. You will be amazed at what exercise can do to your mood and in the long run, you may get the physique that will make your Ex want to crawl back to you!
Take a course somewhere, delve into your career, join a support group or get involve in volunteer work. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself? Do things that highlight your assets and allow you to use your aptitudes. You will be surprise and how much you forget the pain when you are busy. Your Ex may not come back into your life but by keeping yourself busy. You will get over the hurt and the pain will get easier as the days go by! You learn something new about yourself and ma well magnified some inherent skills that lay dormant because you were being distracted. You may attract the kind of man that will cause your heart to flutter again and this time for real!
And cry when you want to cry! Feel the pain, accept the hurt and take the time to reevaluate your life and what it is that you want. This would be the best time for you to decide whether or not you need this man back into your life. Don’t be afraid to be alone, when you have passed this phase you won’t even notice your solitary situation! I would rather be alone than be with a man that is hurting me!
I believe in destiny and my mother always says ‘if he is the one …don’t worry he is coming right back!” if he loves you with all his heart and realizes that he feels inadequate without you. He will be coming back. But think carefully before you take your ex-lover back. You need to do some serious discussions and make hard decisions about your roles in the relationship so as to ensure that what happened before does not happen again. If you doubt your Ex-boyfriend’s renewed commitment to you then it is best to leave the relationship in its broken shape! Being in a relationship with high levels of insecurity may cause you more harm than happiness.
Get over it! It’s his lost not yours! He has just given you a chance to find someone better!
You long for the love that you once had before. The moments that you had with your EX that you probably took for granted then are now more precious than gold. You relive experiences in your mind. You romanticize about your ex-lover and the day that he will be back in your arms. And then you wake up the next morning and the harsh reality of your situation hits you!
Your heart rent from your chest and your partner gnaws it right before your eyes. You faint into obscurity and an abyss of infinite pain and misery. A pool of emotions so overwhelming that even the greatest swimmer is liable to drown in it. A chasm that only the arms of your love can extract you from its depth of anguish and eternal torment, granting you life, verve and vim like you had experience from.
For whatever reasons your relationship ended it should be noted that your partner found something about you that he was attracted to and it is liable that he stills love those qualities. It is just that at the moment your demerits are overshadowing those qualities or he has found someone else who exhibits those qualities at a better dimension.
It is never too late and true love never dies. I am not going to stand here and tell you to get over him and move on with your life nor will I support you pursuing a relationship that is probably unhealthy and will only engender more pain in the long run.
What I will advice is for you to follow your head. Yes I said your head and not your heart. Our hearts have a knack for misleading us as women as our intuitive natures tend to override our intelligence when it comes to men, rendering us stupefied. We rationalize that it is futile pursuing this man but our traitorous hearts will not let go of the growl in his voice and our bodies betray us by yearning for the feel of his hard angular, masculine body. We know that nothing good will come out of reconnecting with this man but yet our heart keeps telling us “just this once…just one more chance to make it alright” …one more night, give me just one more night…and then our hearts get broken and he leaves again.
The truth is that you cannot force someone to love you and regardless of what you assume about your Ex-lovers feelings towards you, it should not cloud the reality of the situation. Calling him and trying to convince him to reconnect with you will only backfire. You may end up pushing him further away and subjecting yourself to disrespect (if he is abusive) and more pain than you could possibly feel, if you had accepted the situation as it is.
The worst thing that you could do is try and persuade a grown man about his decisions or try to reason with him. If he is not a mature and intelligent man who understands the dynamics of human emotions; your pleas for reconciliation may prove only as comic relief for him and his friends. He will also lose respect for you and may see you as being needy, desperate and lacking emotional strength.
Calling him will do more harm than good and begging him to take you back may subject you to exploitation if he is an unscrupulous individual. A deceitful and immoral man will not be hesitant in destroying a woman that wears her heart on her sleeves! If you are a successful woman and financially wealth off, a less financially stable man that you are pining over may well reconnect with you to siphon your money and then dump you when your wallet runs dry!
Buying him expensive accoutrement and being ‘loving poetic’ won’t get you anywhere. Men do not respond to gifts and endearments the way we do. That’s the reason why poetry and words works better on us than it does on them. Now you know why pouring out your heart to a man does not make him cry but make him look at you with than disgusted smirk on his face. But if he should pour his heart out. You will need a boat to get out of the house, the way you’ll rain in the emotions!
Additionally pining and romancing over him won’t help. It only makes you feel worst when you leave the utopic world and realize that it was all in your head. While you are there dying over this man he is probably out having the time of his life and having little or no thought of you. Get yourself back together. Join the gym or go jogging, you can log on online and try some great exercise program or jog around your house. You will be amazed at what exercise can do to your mood and in the long run, you may get the physique that will make your Ex want to crawl back to you!
Take a course somewhere, delve into your career, join a support group or get involve in volunteer work. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself? Do things that highlight your assets and allow you to use your aptitudes. You will be surprise and how much you forget the pain when you are busy. Your Ex may not come back into your life but by keeping yourself busy. You will get over the hurt and the pain will get easier as the days go by! You learn something new about yourself and ma well magnified some inherent skills that lay dormant because you were being distracted. You may attract the kind of man that will cause your heart to flutter again and this time for real!
And cry when you want to cry! Feel the pain, accept the hurt and take the time to reevaluate your life and what it is that you want. This would be the best time for you to decide whether or not you need this man back into your life. Don’t be afraid to be alone, when you have passed this phase you won’t even notice your solitary situation! I would rather be alone than be with a man that is hurting me!
I believe in destiny and my mother always says ‘if he is the one …don’t worry he is coming right back!” if he loves you with all his heart and realizes that he feels inadequate without you. He will be coming back. But think carefully before you take your ex-lover back. You need to do some serious discussions and make hard decisions about your roles in the relationship so as to ensure that what happened before does not happen again. If you doubt your Ex-boyfriend’s renewed commitment to you then it is best to leave the relationship in its broken shape! Being in a relationship with high levels of insecurity may cause you more harm than happiness.
Get over it! It’s his lost not yours! He has just given you a chance to find someone better!
BREAK UPS 101: First Date Break Ups Part 1
Trina was feeling bubbly as she closed the door to her apartment. The date with ken had gone as she had expected. It was a wonderful evening. She had discovered that she and ken had more in common than she had originally assumed. He was kind, charming, and compassionate and had a sound value of the finer things in life. She was sure that this time he was the one.
At the dinner, he listened attentively and held her hands from across the table. He whispered endearments in her ear. He had a saccharine sense of humor. When He had kissed her hands lightly, her heart fluttered and she knew that this time, there would be no mistakes. They even held hands on the way to her apartment. He was the perfect gentle man. Trina jumped into bed and romanticized about her new found love.
Three weeks later …
Trina sat at her desk glancing at the phone. Every fiber in her body yearned to call Ken but she could not allow herself to. He said he would call and it was almost a month since their date and she had not heard from him.
Trina is fighting to grasp what went wrong. She was sure that they had a connection. She replayed over the indices and nuances of the day they met until the night that they went out on the date and tried to fathom what went wrong! She was confused and calling Ken was the only clarity to her addled mine.
She dialed Ken’s number and it rang without an answer. She hanged up and tried three times with her number ID hidden. Ken picked up on the fourth ring!
Trina says “ hello Ken, what happened…I was waiting to hear from you…I thought something had happened to you…I miss you so much!”
There is a deafening silence on the other end and Trina had to look at the phone screen to reassure herself that he was still there listening.
Ken replies in a stern, annoyed voice “who is this?”
Trina felt a huge lump in her windpipe as she swallowed hard and her eyes brimmed with tears. She answered with a cheerful voice that belied the hurt that was slowly enveloping her body “it’s me Trina”
Ken sighed in annoyance “from where?”
Trina croaked “from Hendon…we went out on a date three weeks ago”
Ken laughs “hey Trina…what’s up long time don’t hear from you…what happen! Why you could not call me? I lost your number because I changed my phone!”
Ken said in a crisped voice “it was nice hearing from you and I hope that all is well with you. I have a meeting so I have to run. We will talk sometime. Have a nice day!”
And he hanged up. Leaving Trina hanging there in midsentence as she replied to his statements.
Trina felt like marching down to the bastard’s house and demand that he make amends for the pain that he was causing her.
She cried. Thinking how much she wasted her time on him. For days she had fantasized that he would call and that they would have a relationship. She was angry. It was a good date. They had fun and it felt good to be with him and he felt it too. She thought that he was genuine.
But he was just like those other scoundrels. He had misled her and hurt her. Oh how she hated men!
What had she done wrong?
How could a seemingly nice man, treat her so cold?
How could a date that had gone well turn out to be this sour?
There is no novelty to this story. I have seen it happened perennially and to be frank I have had firsthand experience. Most women can attest to being in this situation at least once in their lifetime. The man seems handsome and eligible. You have great social time together. He promised to call but never does. In cases like these the Dumper normally allows the Dumpee to figure out that there won’t be a relationship. While the Dumpee waits days on end for a call that she eventually will have to make. The male has decided that there won’t be a relationships and has not relayed that information to the female. He assumes that by ignoring her and not calling her that she will get the message. Often times the message is not decoded and the female calls only to have her worst fears come to pass. He doesn’t want a relationship.
First Date Break Up is the most perplexing form of break up because in most cases the Dumpee(Trina) is unaware of what lead to the disintegration of a association that showed signs of growth and substance. She is left with a feeling of emptiness as she is constantly analyses every aspect of the date so as to pinpoint what went wrong.
This type of Break Up is a huge blow to the Dumpee’s Ego as sexual intercourse did not take place. The Dumped feels as if she has suffered a great lost as she has not had a fulfilling experience with her object of affection. She feels cheated. She feels indignant, angry that she was denied the right to get closer to her date. She missed an intimacy that she never had. She missed the life with him that she had conjured in her head. His statement and indifference echoing the truth that nothing would happen between them and that she was just a mere acquaintance. One that is soon forgotten. Break Ups of this nature normally generates resentment of the male because the female feels as if she was victimized unnecessarily. The aversion is intensified by the male’s apparent stoic response to her situation, his lack of forwardness and disregard for her feelings.
What makes First Date Break Ups so intriguing is that by the end of the night or the next date both parties have made up their minds about the status of the association. The female has made up her mind that he is the one and the male has made up his mind that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. This is evident because he does not call after the date. If he calls and then his calls begin to decline during the next few weeks that’s and entirely different situation. When he doesn’t. It means what it appears to mean. It means that he is not interested in you. He may like you, he probably wants to have sex with you but at this moment he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s a harsh reality that women have to face every day and it’s the reality of a man’s rejecting you especially when you know that you haven’t violated him in anyway. You haven’t done him any wrong and he has decided to call it quits!
There are always warning signs and it should be noted that even before some women make the call, they already sense that something is wrong. The female knows the man doesn’t want a relationships and there is no use holding because it’s not going to happen. This should be evident if he has not tried to contact you at most a week after your date.
However, it’s difficult to let go because she does not know what lead him to change his mind. In order for the female to let go she needs closure, hence the final attempt to contact him and hear what he has to say. Females like Trina feels a wave of anguished. It is very difficult to forget Break Ups of this nature as the association ends without any apparent reasons other than one party deciding not to continue acquaintance by aborting communication.
It takes a strong, experienced and willed minded woman to resist the urge to call her date after he has not called for day. A woman who is knowledgeable of the dynamics surrounding male thought process and mating selection patterns will not be aggrieved by a man who takes you out and then doesn’t call to follow up on plans to initiate a relationship.
In parts II and III, I am going to give you the reasons why he hasn’t called and what to do when he doesn’t. Additionally I am going to suggest ways of improving your dating experiences so as to mitigate the possibility of the First Date Break Ups. Parts II and III are displayed on the page below as related articles.
At the dinner, he listened attentively and held her hands from across the table. He whispered endearments in her ear. He had a saccharine sense of humor. When He had kissed her hands lightly, her heart fluttered and she knew that this time, there would be no mistakes. They even held hands on the way to her apartment. He was the perfect gentle man. Trina jumped into bed and romanticized about her new found love.
Three weeks later …
Trina sat at her desk glancing at the phone. Every fiber in her body yearned to call Ken but she could not allow herself to. He said he would call and it was almost a month since their date and she had not heard from him.
Trina is fighting to grasp what went wrong. She was sure that they had a connection. She replayed over the indices and nuances of the day they met until the night that they went out on the date and tried to fathom what went wrong! She was confused and calling Ken was the only clarity to her addled mine.
She dialed Ken’s number and it rang without an answer. She hanged up and tried three times with her number ID hidden. Ken picked up on the fourth ring!
Trina says “ hello Ken, what happened…I was waiting to hear from you…I thought something had happened to you…I miss you so much!”
There is a deafening silence on the other end and Trina had to look at the phone screen to reassure herself that he was still there listening.
Ken replies in a stern, annoyed voice “who is this?”
Trina felt a huge lump in her windpipe as she swallowed hard and her eyes brimmed with tears. She answered with a cheerful voice that belied the hurt that was slowly enveloping her body “it’s me Trina”
Ken sighed in annoyance “from where?”
Trina croaked “from Hendon…we went out on a date three weeks ago”
Ken laughs “hey Trina…what’s up long time don’t hear from you…what happen! Why you could not call me? I lost your number because I changed my phone!”
Ken said in a crisped voice “it was nice hearing from you and I hope that all is well with you. I have a meeting so I have to run. We will talk sometime. Have a nice day!”
And he hanged up. Leaving Trina hanging there in midsentence as she replied to his statements.
Trina felt like marching down to the bastard’s house and demand that he make amends for the pain that he was causing her.
She cried. Thinking how much she wasted her time on him. For days she had fantasized that he would call and that they would have a relationship. She was angry. It was a good date. They had fun and it felt good to be with him and he felt it too. She thought that he was genuine.
But he was just like those other scoundrels. He had misled her and hurt her. Oh how she hated men!
What had she done wrong?
How could a seemingly nice man, treat her so cold?
How could a date that had gone well turn out to be this sour?
There is no novelty to this story. I have seen it happened perennially and to be frank I have had firsthand experience. Most women can attest to being in this situation at least once in their lifetime. The man seems handsome and eligible. You have great social time together. He promised to call but never does. In cases like these the Dumper normally allows the Dumpee to figure out that there won’t be a relationship. While the Dumpee waits days on end for a call that she eventually will have to make. The male has decided that there won’t be a relationships and has not relayed that information to the female. He assumes that by ignoring her and not calling her that she will get the message. Often times the message is not decoded and the female calls only to have her worst fears come to pass. He doesn’t want a relationship.
First Date Break Up is the most perplexing form of break up because in most cases the Dumpee(Trina) is unaware of what lead to the disintegration of a association that showed signs of growth and substance. She is left with a feeling of emptiness as she is constantly analyses every aspect of the date so as to pinpoint what went wrong.
This type of Break Up is a huge blow to the Dumpee’s Ego as sexual intercourse did not take place. The Dumped feels as if she has suffered a great lost as she has not had a fulfilling experience with her object of affection. She feels cheated. She feels indignant, angry that she was denied the right to get closer to her date. She missed an intimacy that she never had. She missed the life with him that she had conjured in her head. His statement and indifference echoing the truth that nothing would happen between them and that she was just a mere acquaintance. One that is soon forgotten. Break Ups of this nature normally generates resentment of the male because the female feels as if she was victimized unnecessarily. The aversion is intensified by the male’s apparent stoic response to her situation, his lack of forwardness and disregard for her feelings.
What makes First Date Break Ups so intriguing is that by the end of the night or the next date both parties have made up their minds about the status of the association. The female has made up her mind that he is the one and the male has made up his mind that he wants absolutely nothing to do with her. This is evident because he does not call after the date. If he calls and then his calls begin to decline during the next few weeks that’s and entirely different situation. When he doesn’t. It means what it appears to mean. It means that he is not interested in you. He may like you, he probably wants to have sex with you but at this moment he wants absolutely nothing to do with you. It’s a harsh reality that women have to face every day and it’s the reality of a man’s rejecting you especially when you know that you haven’t violated him in anyway. You haven’t done him any wrong and he has decided to call it quits!
There are always warning signs and it should be noted that even before some women make the call, they already sense that something is wrong. The female knows the man doesn’t want a relationships and there is no use holding because it’s not going to happen. This should be evident if he has not tried to contact you at most a week after your date.
However, it’s difficult to let go because she does not know what lead him to change his mind. In order for the female to let go she needs closure, hence the final attempt to contact him and hear what he has to say. Females like Trina feels a wave of anguished. It is very difficult to forget Break Ups of this nature as the association ends without any apparent reasons other than one party deciding not to continue acquaintance by aborting communication.
It takes a strong, experienced and willed minded woman to resist the urge to call her date after he has not called for day. A woman who is knowledgeable of the dynamics surrounding male thought process and mating selection patterns will not be aggrieved by a man who takes you out and then doesn’t call to follow up on plans to initiate a relationship.
In parts II and III, I am going to give you the reasons why he hasn’t called and what to do when he doesn’t. Additionally I am going to suggest ways of improving your dating experiences so as to mitigate the possibility of the First Date Break Ups. Parts II and III are displayed on the page below as related articles.
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