You can't make someone love you...

The morning was cool. the grass  wet from last nights dew, the railing on the outside porch of the villa cold and uninviting like the arms of the man who slept in the bed, snoring loudly. Between the trees at the horizon, a cotton like puffy cloud with rose like billows of smoke and shone like silver against the gray blue sky. 

Cloud colors changed quickly in two minutes they went from pink to orange ten to silver much like my relationship had soured quickly in the last few hours. It was much like those bruises and lacerations on the man I was in love with feet, this relationship festered and hurt.  

Owls twittered in the background and birds hummed from nearby trees.

Cars whooshed past in the early morning, and my thoughts were interrupted by the loud roar of a toilet flushing in the next room. Everything was distant, like a far away noise, nothing could drown my racing thoughts and my heart ramming away in my chest. 

I wanted to cry but nothing came. I was all wrung out. I had a good sleep last night but the memory of the penis that died as I hoisted my fat legs atop him was enough to send me on another crying spree but I didn't. He was not worth it. He probably never did. I knew that now. I am liar. I knew that all along. 

I thought about all the people that really cared about me and that made me cry. I was not going to bawl over bad, I vowed from today to cry over the good. Here I was hoping that if I showed him love that he could learn something from it and all he learned was that I was weak and stupid. He only understood that I was open for exploitation. 

Our interactions cost me money, it only cost him time. Something on many occasions, he could not even give me. I can't get anything from him. Whether it was free or not. I was not good enough for him. 

He said he couldn't just leave her. He said she didn't do anything to him for him to end the relationship. I had done everything to him. 

I wanted to wish him the best in his new life but I couldn't. Why was it that whenever all the terrible things he did to me, I only wanted

to make it right. It was because I spent my entire life trying to make people see and think that I was good enough. 

I spent the last four months trying to convince this man that I was good enough. But you can only tell a man where to look, you cannot tell him what to see. 

I had to be careful. Before long... I will begin to see myself the way he did. 

The Bunna Man 

Copyright © 2015 

Smart Women dating Ghetto Youths

My friends chide me over and over again... " why you like those types is beyond me?" 

I am a smart girl who makes foolish relationship choices. You might not know how much bravado it took me to write this article but my emotions are awok from being in an unhealthy relationship for the last three months. 

Being a child of the Ghetto, having a little education, men from my area often regard me with contempt simply because they say " we big brain girls think we better than them"  that was never the case, I for one simply did not want to end up in the situations of so many of my peers. Young women with several fatherless children bouncing around from man to man was nothing worth aspiring to. I very much connote ghetto youth with recklessness and irresponsiblility.  I steer clear of them as much as I possibly can. I could not risk having a child that a man did not want. I wanted stability, reliance and accountability and young men from my district offered me none. 

But from time to time, a ghetto youth  often attractive, " a little cleaner than the rest" and smarter will come the way of us educated sisters and possibly sweep us off our feet with his rarity. 

We in turn will try and make it work. Investing time and resources in the relationship hoping that our goodness will rub off on him and that he can become someone higher than his status. We nurture, encourage, nag and cajole him about and against the harsh conditions of life among the lower class citizenry. We smart women know that being a young man in the ghetto is no small feat trying to keep him out of trouble and motivate him unto the path of righteousness. 

But dating a ghetto youth comes with headache and frustrations. Ghetto youths don't take talk from women. Smart women want to educate and nurture transcendence in their men for the betterment of the future family structure. But ghetto youths are accustom to dating certain women who never question their integrity, whose notions of relationships are largely superficial and who accept any crap they dish out. A smart woman and a ghetto youth is a disaster waiting to happen. 

Fat Girl Problems : Dating

I met a young man yesterday and we had an interesting conversation. He surprised me in more ways than one. It is not the first time I am seeing him. Our paths crossed a few times and I was equally surprised that he noted I walked pass him in the supermarket a couple Fridays ago. 

When I trudged pass he did not seem particularly interested. He gave me a fleeting look and stared away. And yet he remembers every detail of what I did that day down to what I said to the cashier. I learnt something important, if a man is not staring, it does not mean he is not looking. 

We bumped into each other last night. He apologized profusely. And we started talking, he has known me all my life, remembers when I was going to high school. I could not pick him up, didn't recognized him until he showed me pictures of his family. He looked nothing like the boy I knew. 

When it comes to dating and relationship ships, I often emphasize contrast and comparison when dealing with different suitors. This young man reminded me of what a genuine attraction looks and feels like. 

I didn't have to ask for his number.  There was no need to employ subterfuge, drop hints or encourage interest. It flowed naturally. I was given his number, invited to his Facebook page and asked which day I was free so he could take me to lunch in his brand new Honda SUV. 

I asked him if he was sure I was his type. He asked me." What was wrong with me?" He then said. " I like trying new things" I was sold. 

I did not ask him out of insecurity. I pride myself on being logical in my approach with men. I am a big bodied girl and have to question the interest of a man I often see with slender, petite women. I admit that physically I am not his type or at least I think I am not. I did not know why I reminded him. It was not a prudent move but his response wiped the doubts from my mind. 

And I decided that my next book will be about Fat Girls Problems. It is a reality that bigger frame women deal with everyday and it is the notion that our bodies are not considered ideal. 

Fat girls have to work twice as hard to get respect from men, who see them as third class citizens and last resort. A fat girl is only considered an ideal partner if she has money. While slender women can come as they please! Broke or joke! 

Any ambitious, successful fat girl will tell you the shit men put them through. Men automatically assume that because your body is big, it means you are insecure. A guy once told me that fat women are easy. He was seriously deluded. Women are easy regardless of size, it all boils down to self value. 

But my fat sisters get played a lot. Guys who ask you to pay their phone bills so they can call other women. Men who offer a little sex, miminal interactions and want to collect huge benefits. 

Men who will never he caught dead with you in public and yet have the most demands on you in private. Fat Girls problems goes on and on.... 

I love my child's father for he was the man who loved me for who I am, without glamour or success. He values me. He is the template for sincere affection. Therefore I watch other men and I think about him. This little boy I met last night came pretty close. 

Finding a Good Relationship Partner in Jamaica

I had a rather interested conversation with a male friend a while ago and him a say him want a good woman. Man a say them want a good woman and woman a say them want a good man. It is not that good people are not out there it is just that everybody feel them deserve better. So every man and woman a scout for an upgrade. 

Everybody a play fool to somebody for we all a chase people who we think a our better and then these people a run down some other people weh them feel say a fe them better. 

Better has a lot to do with value too for a college graduate might think she should be better to a ghetto youth whose better is a light skin girl.  So she end up a chase a man who will never see her value more than skin deep cause he has an entirely different value system and criteria for his relationship. It is not that the girl values less, her attributes are simply not worth anything in this ghetto youth eyes. 

It all boils down to valuing yourself. You cannot force someone to validate you. If someone does not see your worth at face value it is futile to invest time in trying to convince them that you are their better. That is something they have to work out for themselves. 

We are as fake about our relationship as we are about life. We don't want "better"! We don't want Mr/Mrs right and we sure don't want good enough, we simply want somebody who other people want and cannot get. We want to conquer and monopolize. We want a challenge. We want someone to trophize like our house and our cars. We want to win the best person for ourselves. 

Love in the modern world is not about sincerity, it is a competition and the prize companion has every suitor eating out of the palms of his/hers hands. 

It is funny how women say them want a good man and when they say that they don't mean them want a man who can love them, take care of their essential needs and provide a convenient life. 

A good man is a man with money to spend. A good man is a man who can bring her the world. A good man is a man with surplus money to spend. This might explain why the "money man" have ten girls jumping through hoops to become his first draft pick. While on the contrary, the man who calls a girl on a regular, text and offers to buy her lunch is considered an idiot and taken for granted. Why? She would rather earns someone else love, work overtime to convince another to love her than accept the free will love in front of her. Love that comes easy is not valued much. 

Who is more selfish? The Monogamist or the Cheater?

"Any long-term relationship that’s successful is really a myth that two people create together … and myths are built of lies, and there’s usually some kernel of truth…"

The biggest issue women in Jamaica have with men is the polygynous Nature of our men who endorse promiscuity among their brethren but consider women who sleep around as whores. 

It is not a fair demand. What if the man catches a disease?  When a man has an external affair and a child comes into play it signals that he is having unprotected sex. What if he got a disease instead of a baby? What is more selfish? Monogamy or Cheating. 

Cheating angers the offended partner because sex is such a personal, intimate activity involving two persons. When someone brings another person into play with the same level of openness then you are no longer in a relationship with two persons but three. 

I thought about women stating how selfish cheaters were since they want to have their cake and eat it too but if you look at it from another perspective those who wish to keep someone to themselves maybe perceived as being selfish too. 

Why would someone want to own another person? People who cheat will say that it is their bodies and they are free to do with it as they please.  Who are you to tell them what to do with their penis or vagina.? Sex is not a commodity you can walk around with, it's not tangible so you can pick it up and show others. It is an experience. You share yourself with someone else. How can one person determine whom you should share yourself with? 

People cheat because of dissatisfaction but most cheaters are those who are always looking for an upgrade. They think that they deserve better. They settle but are scanning for the next attractive person to share themselves with. It is selfishness, the cheater gets to keep both women committed to him. They have to suffer heartaches, insecurities and anxieties when he is away while he enjoys the company of both without consequence. 

People like to swear for their partners. Some cheaters are clever to the point where you do not find our about their other families until perhaps he is deceased. Cheating will forever be a challenge for men.  The way women dress today and the  throng of young, supple women leaving school on a yearly basis mocks the monogamous inclination of men. 

Some men do not consider sexual encounters cheating since they did not lead to relationships. Men will say " mi want a piece of her", if he is not emotionally committed to her, if they are not having sex on a regular basis then it is not a relationship.  Cheating is defined distinctly by different people. 

"To be a good writer, you not only have to write a great deal but you have to care. You do not have to have a complicated moral philosophy. But a writer always tries, I think, to be a part of the solution, to understand a little about life and to pass this on."

Ghetto Slam BookExcerpt by Crystal Evans

Draft from New Book
Ghetto Slam Draft
Copywritten so dont copy me
Copyright Crystal Evans 2014

The sweet melody of dance hall music emanated from Strawberry Hill and the slender bodies of females strew the sidewalks, faces dolled up, animated, scanning the promenading vehicles for a companion for the night. In these streets girls treated sex like a handshake and men were only interested in getting ahead in life, literally. Bitches readily exchanged tongue titillation for five thousand dollar platforms. For the right price, girls would be in love. Iggy Azaela best called it Head over Heels.

Popular men stood at the bar and cliques of female a few feet apart orchestrated stealth espionage on the latest money prey. The brave one even in the face of uncertainity will strut over, sticking her ass out for a boss chick knows how to flirt without ever making herself appear desperate or easy. These Niggas might not have degrees in human behaviour but they can spot a thirsty chick from a mile off. Some niggas are slow and you sometimes have to dangle your vagina before them for them to get the hint, then if he is stupid he will lap that shit up like Hennessy.

If a nigga has money, good social clout and great reference on his dick game then even the bossiest of chicks will wait her turn. She will express her interest, give a little and retain some for to make a nigga know you going crazy over his dick even when "it a mad you" is relationship suicide. Some girls get this game of tangle free relationships, others basically go to the Dance Hall to drool, lining up to give some undeserving nigga head. They show up for every pot cover that knocked, pouting lips,rubbing their nipples on outstretch hands and touching men's shoulders to test it's strength, thinking about how these dude's penis must hang between their legs rocking to and fro like a pendulum.

You couldn't keep a man tuned into you if you were not talking about sex. Men were concerned with two things, sex and money. If you were not offering either then you might as well waltz over to where the other wallflowers stood, ogling the assortment of men in matching abercombie slippers.

Ghetto Slam is not primarily about sex, it the ambiance of the sexual scenario, an unleashing of sexual energy. It is carnal and torrid, as provocative as the Wimbledon movement Popcaan discussed in his Fall In Love tune. Wimbledon was that jerking of the ass, rapid shuffling of the buttocks against a man in the doggy style position.

Let Go: Relationships

There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. Let them go.

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. You all need to have the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in good-bye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

Let them go!!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to . . . . . . . .

Romeo Graham 

Break up 101 with your Jamaican Man

Always live your life to shame those who hurt you and rejected you, they should be so glad that in the future that they had a been with you in their past so they now have a nice story to tell. They should hung their head in shame when you past them. 

Your happiness is your personal responsibility. You have no control over the actions of others but you can influence how you feel. If a man is showing you that he does not value your affection then you need to become disconnected from him. Don't ever put yourself in a situation where a man has to diss you so you can get the point when it is clear to everyone except you that he is not interested anymore.

You might say he still loves you but you can't assume what he is feeling you have to judge him by the way he is treating you. Actions speak louder than words. He might still love you but it is clear that he does not want to be with you. 

Don't be impulsive, don't text his new girlfriend, you will come out looking like the trouble maker and he will have grounds to legitimize his leaving you. Don't let the new women in his life play games with you and play into your emotions. They don't have anything to lose but you do and if you want your man back then drama and nagging won't help. 

Don't call his phone and nag him to take you back, you will only push him away further and he will justify leaving you to John public by painting you as a crazy woman. People will judge you by your actions and not your intentions, you won't be able to explain your feelings and those on the outside will be very unkind and call it as they see it. 

I will tell you what I know is right. It's not like am running you away or I am trying to force anything on you. I am tling you what I would have told my daughter or my sisters.

I don't want you to destroy yourself over chasing a man who is running away from you...

If you didn't love him then you wouldn't miss him

How you are feeling is natural nothing to be ashamed of. So it is okay to cry. Don't Bottle up the hurt inside, you can grieve over the death of your relationship. Don't let sadness consume you so that it interferes with your ability to function as a person. If it is going that far, if you think you are going over the edge then you might need professional help. 

You are not the first female to get hurt and other women have been down this road before. They will you to get over it because the first time is always the hardest for some of us it's the first couple of times before we can effectively deal with a break up. 

You can choose to let this be an experience,You laugh at years to

Come or an experience that you are ashamed

Of... The choice is yours...joke or embarrassment...how will you look back at this moment in the future. 

Real Jamaican Boss Chicks don't fight ova Man

You love a man. It's okay to fight for him but never over him. If he has someone else attention, let them have him. 

Rule #9 Boss Bitches never quarrel over man. Boss chick knows that to confront a girl about your man is to show weakness, it is a sign of insecurity. Boss Bitches know that when a man's woman calling you phone and cussing you out, it means you need to cut that man loose so he can handle his problems. Boss Bitches don't date men who would think of having relationship with some belligerent, ignorant ghetto mess. So if he's living with a ratchet, chances are he doesn't have good values to begin with and will cheat on your ass with one. Your trademark is a little above his level. 

Boss Bitches don't talk to ratchets in real life therefore we don't want any man who is going to make we and a ratchet mouth meet. Dating men who are in relationships with ratchets brings  their raucous behavior into your face, full circle. 

Boss Bitches know that ignorant ratchets automatically think you are just like them when you start pursuing their brand of men. Show them you might like his swag but you are nothing like them . She's basic bottom bitch and him dating you is a mile long upgrade. 

Don't feel bad when a ratchet cusses you out in public. She's gonna try and belittle you so she can feel better about herself. Miss ratchety wife just wants to intimidate you into not giving her some real competition. She knows your game is tight and that her wandering dick of a man might just hop off her wagon into yours. 

She cannot besmirch your character and if her man is smart she has given him all the reasons he needs to move on by cussing you out. If he sticks closer to her after your squabble it means they deserve each other and he should stay with her. 

Desperate Women call for Desperate Measures

A lady recently married a man who allegedly has a little money and had separated from his baby mother of 16 years. According to community tales, the baby mother obeah the wife and hospitalize her. 

Some women are very desperate and I stay away from men with women whose relationships are their everything. This is the cause of many crimes of passion when women without a job or women who are completely dependent on their partners lose their man to another woman. 

It is said that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. And you better believe that. And scorned woman who is financially ruined will take revenge at her estranged lover and his new mistress. 

Some women who have no other financial leverage than with their ex lover become insecure of their children's father new relationship and will attempt to sabotage it so that they can feel more secured their children future. Many women see a new wife or babymother as a threat to their economical situation.